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Post By HH invites the heroes of the Parodyverse to try out the questions the youngsters have to face 9and suggest any others you'd like to add) Thu Jun 03, 2004 at 09:17:20 am EDT |
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The Junior Lair Legion Programme Multiple Choice Exam Paper | |
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| The Junior Lair Legion Programme Multiple Choice Exam Paper Write-in answers are allowed. Do not write on both sides of the page at once. Superhero Name: Alternate superhero description (e.g. capped crusader, wired wonder): Cutesy nickname (e.g. Coat Rack, Dancy, Fake Man): Section One: Superhero Etiquette: 1. You have just captured Professor Manyarms, and now there is a raging turf war going on between the Office of Paranormal Security and the Super-Menace Principal Undercover Division about who has jurisdiction about the arrest. Do you: A. Call Lisa and tell her there’s a lucrative lawsuit in the offing. B. Despair at bureaucracy, hurl your costume in a trash can, and walk away up an alley. C. Refer them to Finny; it’s his problem and he’s paid to deal with crap like this D. Deliver a lecture on truth and justice. E. Quietly off the villain so he won’t be causing trouble ever again. 2. In combat with VelcroVixen, her halter top somehow comes loose in your hand, leaving her somewhat short in the costume department. Do you: A. Stop the battle and offer your cape to the distressed lady. B. Make bitchy comments about bad implant jobs. C. Look away until she has had time to replace her garment and/or pull out her mega-death ray. D. Dive on top of her to save her from public exposure and not get off until it’s safe. E. Drop her through the pavement into the sewers, that should cover up the little tart good and proper. 3. You’ve just arrived at the crime scene and there’s an unknown super-type leaning over the body. Do you: A. Flatten the unidentified person and check later whether they’re a goodie or a baddie. B. Have a brief inconclusive battle and then team-up to find the real villain. C. Swap secret origin stories and recap the plot. D. Ask them to hold still while you consult the Who's Who in the Parodyverse E. Check their gender, and if of the opposite sexual orientation see what they’re doing after the world takeover. 4. The Yurt wants your submarine sandwich. Do you: A. Give it to him. What are you, nuts? B. Defend it with your life, taking major head trauma and suffering extreme blood loss; but at least you get to meet Night Nurse. C. Tell him Goldeneyed has a much better submarine sandwich. D. Toss the submarine sandwich through the window of J. James Jerkson’s office. E. Toss the submarine sandwich through the window of the Lynchpin of Crime’s office. 5. You discover that you are now retconned to be another of the Hooded Hood’s children (or, if spiffy, retconned again). Is your first reaction: A. “Eew, I’m practically related to spiffy.” B. To become an archvillain and try to topple your father and claim his empire. C. To get a new costume, maybe something with a hood. D. “Sure, bad guys, you could attack me, but you know who my dad is, right?” E. “Crap! Does this mean I inherit Flapjack?” Section Two: Heroes and Villains 6. Peter von Doom is about to blow up the world again, and only you can talk him away from the big red lever. What do you say? A. “C’mon. You know you’re so lame it’s never really going to work anyway.” B. “Drop the destroying the Earth stuff and I can probably get you Dancer’s phone number.” C. “I don’t think you’re scheduled to doom the planet today are you? Do you really want to jump the queue and upset the big baddies?” D. “Ho, felon, prepare to be smitethed most wrothfully for the none!” E. “I’m guessing given the size of your lever that you have an awfully small penis.” 7. NTU-150 entrusts you with his newest invention, the Bautistamatic Electronic Toothbrush. Do you: A. Thank him politely, bury it in the desert, far away from civilisation. B. Use it in combat against MODEM and face the war crimes tribunal later. C. Hide it in Visionary’s bed. D. Hide it in Al B. Harper’s bed. Hey, he can defuse stuff like this, right? E. Give it to Lisa for recreational purposes. 8. You’re facing off against your evil double. Do you: A. Shudder when you realise your butt looks that fat to other people. B. Finish them quickly so you can spend the day pretending to be the evil version. C. Enter into a prolonged mental flashback voyage questioning your origins, motivations, continuity, and raison d’etre. D. Give them NTU-150’s Bautistamatic Electronic Toothbrush. E. Point out that there’s at least a case for them actually being the good double. 9. Wang the Conqueror is back in the latest interminable Round Robin, and only you can stop him. Do you: A. Ask him to explain his continuity. That should give plenty of time for the rest of the team to get here. B. Refuse to fight anybody with a purple sock on their head. C. Try and get him to tell you next week’s winning lottery numbers. D. Ask to borrow that Impregnation Gun he’s got. That could be a lot of fun. E. Stall for time knowing that the Hooded Hood’s going to do a final chapter that ties the whole plot up sooner or later anyway. 10. The diabolical Dr Moo has poisoned you so you have one hour to live. Do you: A. Look for Lisa. Best to go out with a bang. B. Grab Davidowicz and shout “Give me the antidote or the rat gets it!” C. Return all your library books. Death is no excuse according to Intergalactic order of Libraries guidelines. D. Make a pact with Mefrothto to save your life and spawn a multi-part sub-plot. E. Look at dull thud’s laundry pile and hope the gag reflex saves you. Section Three: Coping With Crisis 11. You’re late for that all-important date/job interview/school exam but your archenemy is tearing up central Paradopolis. Do you: A. Fake a headache, run off with your childhood bully’s taunts ringing in your ears, and leap into action. B. Send a note to the baddie saying you’ll be along in a couple of hours, and recommending the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar as a nice place to wait. C. Invent robot doubles. D. Eschew secret identities as outdated childish nostalgic kitsch and go into battle in civilian clothes. E. Suggest the villain reschedules for a better time, perhaps Tuesday week, and have his people call your people. 12. During the battle, your sweetheart is about to fall to her death off the Englehart Bridge, the archvillain has just set fire to a busload of orphans, the negativity-bomb is ticking down to zero and will kill half the hemisphere, the snoopy girl reporter has just taken a picture of you with your mask torn off, and your tights have ridden up really badly. What do you deal with first? A. The costume problems. Those spandex burns can be nasty. B. The cover of the comic book. This kind of situation just demands one of those old-style non-generic action scenes, possibly with some cheesy dialogue explaining the dilemma. C. Throw the orphans at the villain, defuse the bomb, and date the reporter as your new sweetheart so you can grab the film off her later. D. Time to reconsider the whole superhero deal. Maybe it’s not too late to be an accountant? E. Er, what were the problems again? 13. Hit by the villain’s mutation ray, would you rather be transformed into: A. A giant gorilla. B. A radioactive dinosaur. C. A flesh-eating zombie. D. A Bros fan. E. Nats. 14. You are wrongly accused of a crime you didn’t commit by a world that hates and fears you. Do you: A. Become a bitter renegade clinging to the shadows in a crazed mission of vengeance, and buy a trenchcoat. B. Form a band of misunderstood outcast heroes who are the best they are at what they do, whatever the hell that is. C. Shave your head, turn to evil, and plot the downfall of all you once loved. D. Go undercover as the Lynchpin’s masseuse to find the evidence that will clear you and bring down his evil empire. No sacrifice is too great. E. Report the matter to Visionary and tell people to forward the bills and lawsuits to him. 15. It’s one of those massive all-the-heroes vs all-the-villains battles, and you have to pick an opponent. Do you go for: A. Pudu Lad. That way you have lots of free time to get your shopping done before the good TV starts. B. Onslaughter. Nothing builds a rep like major head trauma from an A-list hero-stomper. C. Gamona the Assassin. I mean c’mon, she only wears tattoos, who’s not going to wrestle with her? D. Roni Y. Avis. Sure, he’s not a major threat, but internet spam is just so damn annoying. E. The Parody Master. Death is better than having to do more exams tomorrow. Hand in your papers at the end of the period. Do not include an combustibles, meat products, or undergarments. Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2004 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2004 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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