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Saving the Future – Part 25: Invasion of the Booty Snatchers |
Saving the Future – Part 25: Invasion of the Booty Snatchers
Previously: Our heroes return to Earth having escaped exile in the Land That Common Sense Forgot. Now they must set a World Without Heroes to rights, investigate the strange schemes of the enigmatic Void Scholar, search for the missing Liu Xi Xian, and reunite with their friends and loved ones. The adventure seems to be over.
It’s not.
Previous Chapters
The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom
Who's Who in the Parodyverse
***
“Damn it,” complained CrazySugarFreakBoy! “I’ve been standing here for ten minutes next to this huge great hole and nobody’s asked me anything so I can made the ‘We’re looking into it’ joke!”
“And you think that’s an accident?” demanded Yuki Shiro. “I’ve been standing here as long so I can toss you into the hole in case you try it.”
The two Legionnaires were standing at the edge of an Arctic pit, a vast deep chasm filled with crumbling stonework. Below them, Al B. Harper and the Manga Shoggoth were crawling about the channel respectively taking sensor readings and long wet licks.
“So what do we got?” CSFB! called down over the rising wind and the light snowfall. “Anything offering a chance for witty banter? Anything at all?”
Yuki folded her cyborgs hand into a fist. “Do not start the Shoggoth punning again,” she warned dangerously.
The loathsome elder being looked up from snuffling carved stonework older then the Earth. “Puns?” he responded. “Humorous linguistic congruities with conjoined associative relative values juxtaposed for the purposes of social cognitive bonding? I like the sound of that.”
“Oh great,” snapped Yuki to CSFB! “Now you’ve done it!”
“You think I’m happy?” shot back the wired wonder. “I’m doing a scene where even the Shoggoth gets snappier banter. I should be home with April and Betty, reassuring them after our ordeal. We should be reassuring like rabbits!”
Al B. tried to concentrate over the bickering. “I miss being evil,” he sighed. His wrist-comm linked through the LairSat system to relay his words back to the newly-returned Mansion. “Right. Hallie, are you getting this?”
“I’m afraid so,” admitted the Legion’s resident artificial intelligence. “But if you’ve got any useful data I’ll take that as well. You’re on the big screen.”
“We are?” the Shoggoth puzzled. “I thought we were in the dimensions coterminous with the arctic zone of Earth’s late human era?”
“She means they can hear our report back in the Ops Room,” Yuki translated. “Hey, what do you mean, ‘late’ human era?”
Al B. uploaded the last of his readings. “Okay, this is what I’ve got. Looks like somebody salvaged this dimensional technology from somewhere much, much older and cobbled it together here where the Earth was later going to form.”
“It tastes like Second Oldest Race material,” the Shoggoth added reminiscently. “With just a touch of cinnamon.”
“So the evil Void Scholar set up a trap for the LL billions of years in the past,” summarised CSFB! “But we foiled his wicked plan.”
“The Peruvian site was the fuse, effectively,” Al B. went on. “Somebody triggered that, opened an ancient door that set everything else off. The attacks on the Lair Mansion diverted us until the whole island could be snatched to Comic-Book Limbo. But even that was just to get us out of the way. The real objective was to trigger these transfer pits around the globe.”
“And they were triggered while we were fighting Onslaughter,” noted Yuki. “But what did they do?”
***
“I’m guessing you guys didn’t get the memo?”
Murderblade, Carrion Bug, and the Aggravator turned aside from the shopkeeper they were shaking down but had no time to recognise Nats before he telekinesed the grocery counter into them.
“That’s a lot better than just having a flying power,” Champagne admitted, quietly downing Neurocite who was hiding behind the door. “You’re really not as lame as everybody thinks, are you?”
“That’s right,” agreed the newly-returned Bill Reed, pinioning the criminals ready for pick-up. “I’m really… hey, who thinks I’m lame?”
Champagne changed the subject by borrowing Nats’ comm-card and sending as signal through to Hallie. “We’ve found some more small-timers who didn’t hear that the Purveyors are down and the Lair Legion is back. I’ll see if they’ve heard anything about the whereabouts of Elizabeth von Zemo.”
“Thanks, Champagne,” answered the artificial intelligence. “I’ll alert Don Graham to send a wagon.”
“Hallie?” Nats called, heading over to peer at the little image on the credit-card-sized communicator. “I’ve been flying over the city trying to catch up on what I missed. What happened to the ITC building?”
“The Interdimensional Transportation Corporation was taken out on the first day of the Parody War,” Hallie supplied. “We don’t know if they plan to rebuild or what. It’s not clear who would be in charge if they did.”
“Legal title is in dispute,” supplied Champagne. “Something between Baroness von Zemo, Peter von Doom, an alien from the dawn of time, and Bill Gates.”
“I hope it’s the alien,” admitted Nats. “The more I fly around the more I’m realising what a lot I’ve missed since Uhuna and I went to hell.”
“You’re telling me?” asked Hallie, who has only just had her full memories restored after a traumatic dimensional transfer. “I’m still coming to terms with the fact that spiffy has a girlfriend.”
“Yeah, some really bizarre stuff happened,” agreed Bill Reed.
“You’re worried that you won’t fit in any more,” observed Champagne. “You don’t have a job, a home, relationships. That will come.”
Nats shrugged. “I can get by,” he lied. “I’ll be fine. Let’s get on with the whole patrolling-the-city thing. We’ve got a world to get sorted out first.”
Nats levitated away with Champagne, heading low towards Off-Central Park.
The Ghost Taxi followed him at a discrete distance, reporting back on his progress.
***
“And we were so winning until the Lair Legion turned up and hogged the spotlight as usual,” concluded Kerry Shepherdson.
“Aye,” agreed Harlagaz. “Yon copious bleeding wert all part of the plan.”
“We didn’t mind you leaping in to the rescue, though,” clarified Fashion Accessory. “After weeks of battling tooth and nail against every baddie on the planet any additional massage and manicure time is very welcome.” She glanced over at Ham-Boy. “Alone.”
“But we don’t know what happened to Danny,” added Ham-Boy. “When he did whatever it was with the Portal then come to face Onslaughter with us… we don’t know what happened afterwards.”
Visionary and Glory were debriefing their students in the Lair Classroom. “It is a good thing that Danny vanished when he did,” admitted Glory, the pooch of power. Her voice was translated by the room’s built in voice synthesiser. “The United Nations authority to take Denial into custody is still in force. If he was here then we would have to arrest him.”
“Then it’s a good job he booked,” hissed Kerry. “Because otherwise there’d be some really sorry United Nations.”
“It wert a good volcano last time,” agreed Gaz affably.
“Well, perhaps you could just let the Lair Legion deal with that problem,” Vizh pleaded. “We can probably solve this without any more major geological events. Please. Hatty’s seeing the President ten minutes from now and Danny’s a big part of the agenda.”
“The Chronicler of Stories has a lot to answer for,” growled Glory. “It was him who set the whole hunt against Denial in motion.”
“Yeah, but it was Val Vortex – I mean the Void Scholar – who did the nasty plotting,” Fashion Accessory argued. “I mean, guys have gone to major lengths to get a date with me before, but a creepy time-bozo from the far future with an ecstasy ray? That’s well out into the grossness zone!”
“Nobody’s even explained what a Celestian Madonna is,” Ham-Boy complained.
“Mayhap when thou art older,” suggested Harlagaz.
Vizh struggled to a summary. “From what Hallie said, G-Eyed, Exile, and Suicide Blonde all came from the far future as babies. From a far future. There’s evidently lots of variants.”
“So their far future was one of the lame ones?” suggested Kerry.
“All of them were cousins with complicated lineages. Their mothers were Zemos, but their ancient ancestor was a child of the Celestian Madonna and something called the Fernbiote.”
Kerry pointed at FA. “And you laughed at me when I was supposed to breed with spiffy.”
“It never says that,” Samantha Bonnington answered quickly. “Only that at some time the Madonna’s bloodline and the, ugh, Hopkins bloodline mix. It could be a thousand years from now. Please let it be a thousand years from now.”
“And this powerful lineage art why everyone doth wish to get into mine lady Fashion Accessory’s pants,” concluded Harlagaz.
“Hey, there are far more reasons to get into my pants than that,” snapped FA. “Not least that they are all designer originals. And I’m not planning on any kids any time in this life. Who needs the stretch marks?”
“I’m just glad that I’m not this Celestian Madonna,” smirked Kerry. “I’m gonna have to get a t-shirt. ‘Impregnate that way.’”
“Do you know what it’ll say when I’m done with it?” Fashion Accessory growled.
“Well, I think you’ve all done very well,” Vizh told the Juniors. “I mean it. I hate that you had such terrible risks but I’m proud of what you did. That’s definitely a free pizza night this Friday, and no tests for a month.”
“He means that you don’t have to use his credit card without telling him this week,” Glory clarified helpfully, “and that there will be no tests to avoid.”
“But if you find Danny you’ll tell us, right?” Ham-Boy insisted.
“Don’t make us resort to that creepy Meng kid again,” warned FA.
“You’ll be the first to know,” agreed Vizh. “Well, maybe the second or third. But definitely on the list.”
He and Glory left the Juniors and padded down the corridor. “You know, I’m really scared now that I think they might be our hope for the future,” the possibly-fake man admitted.
“The Juniors have done very well,” agreed the mutt of might; but there was a growl of caution in her voice. Something was wrong.
Back in the Lair Classroom Kerry Shepherdson turned to the others. “Are we being monitored?”
Fashion Accessory looked around. “Not right now,” she replied. “Nobody suspects a thing. As far as they know the Juniors are still here-ere-ere.”
***
The President of the United States of America leaned back in his chair. “I’ve never heard of this Void Scholar,” he told Hatman.
“There was a Void Spectre once,” Reuben Holcombe mentioned, hovering by the President’s side. He’d enjoyed filling in for his absent boss Garrick and seemed reluctant to hand back power now Bad News herb had returned. “But this is probably no relation.”
“Probably not,” agreed Lee Bookman, standing beside Hatman as Holcome flanked the President. “From what little documentary evidence we have it seems as through the Void Scholar is probably a future timeline of the time-travelling menace known as Wang the Conqueror or Kink the Conqueror.”
“The pain with the purple sock on his head,” amplified Amber St Clare.
“But here’s where it gets a bit strange,” the Librarian continued.
“It got strange at the purple socked time traveller,” Garrick grumbled.
“It’s looking like the timeline that Wang came from is no longer possible. It’s been erased from existence by some alterations in its past.”
The President didn’t seem impressed. “So?”
“So all the timelines from the future that we’ve ever glimpsed seem affected,” Hatman interjected. “Any time-traveller we’ve ever met from the future probably no longer exists. The whole of the future has changed, and we have no way of knowing how.”
“Danny Lyle,” suggested Holcombe. “We were warned. And now he’s apparently got access to that Portal of Pretentiousness thing.”
“Danny’s not like that,” argued Hatman. “Well, not this Danny. Maybe the Moderator version but…”
“Once a punk always a punk,” argued Garrick. “We were right to put out an APB on that kid.”
“You doing that is probably what triggered this whole mess!” objected the Librarian. “You played right into the Void Scholar’s hands. We still have people missing – Epitome, Liu Xi. We have poor Marie murdered and back to being a ghost. Earth’s been terrorised for months by the Purveyors of Peril that you recognised as a new Lair Legion! My Moon Public Library was nearly… well, that’s classified. When are you people going to work out that chasing Danny like a criminal until he becomes one just isn’t going to work?”
Hatman tried for diplomacy. “Look, Mister President, I think you’re going to have to trust the LL on this one. We need to find Danny. There’s still some escaped villains to locate as well. We’ll investigate this Space Fandom outbreak, including who did what at the Safe where all those guards got killed. We’ll work out what the Void Scholar wanted with Samantha Bonnington, and what the point of those big dimensional chasms was. We just need some time and a little co-operation.”
The President and Holcombe exchanged looks. “Yes, well there is a little bit of a problem with that,” admitted the President, just before the special assault forces burst in to take Hatman and the Librarian down.
***
Sarah Shepherdson slipped into the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar quietly, but it only took her a few seconds to be noticed and welcomed. “Shep!” “Sarah!” “You’re back!” “One blueberry muffin please!”
Mr Papadapopolis rushed out from behind the counter to greet his former waitress. “Sarah! Is wonderful to see you! I had no idea you were back in Paradopolis!”
“Yeah, well, here I am,” shrugged the girl who was secretly Dancer. “Turns out that if you mysteriously vanish from your stage show for weeks on end with no word then you kind of get fired. So I was wondering if you had any job vacancies, Mister P? While I’m auditioning.”
“Oh, that would be fine,” agreed the old one-armed man. “Is just one thing first.”
Sarah glanced over the counter to where an unfamiliar woman was working the coffee machine. “I don’t want to displace anyone,” she said.
“First you have to die!” said Mr Papadapopolis, pointing his handgun and firing.
***
“Excuse me, Mr Drury,” Ronnie Beesleyhuxtoy called, finding the head honcho of the Super-menace Principal Undercover Directorate shouting at people on his helicarrier command deck. “Colonel Drury. Sir.”
The grizzled one-eyed man turned round to regard Acting Very Temporary Agent Beesleyhuxtoy and his silent companion Chad. “Yeah? What’da’ya’need? We already got a hunt team out lookin’ fer your Space Fandom girlfriend.”
Chad waved at him and smiled in a distracted kind of way, then held out a hamster for inspection.
“We have a few questions,” Ronnie explained. “And so does Little Cat.”
“What kind of questions?” Drury demanded. “Only I got a beat up helicarrier here ta get back up to full strength and a world full ‘a bozos to go and kick.”
Chad saluted, although that meant he had to carefully place Little Cat on his cranium first.
“Well, first thing was we were wondering why everyone was acting so weird,” Ronnie admitted. “Little Cat’s really freaked out.”
Chad pointed to his head to illustrate matters.
“And second,” went on Ronnie, “we were wondering if anyone minded if we kept some of those sugar sachets from the helicarrier mess hall, the ones with the cool SPUD logo on. And third, we wanted to know if anyone had figured why Mr Spooky would zap us through a portal to the Lair Mansion to get us tied up in all of this. And fourthly we wondered why there were so many people on board the carrier now who aren’t really people at all?”
“Not people?” Drury was suddenly alert. “What d’ya mean, they’re not people? Which people?”
Chad pointed all around to indicate anybody who’d come aboard as reinforcements or work crew since the helicarrier had returned.
“Nearly everybody here,” Ronnie supplied. “But about the sugar sachets…”
Then the Agents of SPUD unslung their weapons and began shooting at Drury, Chad, and Ronnie.
***
“Cute-Lisa!”
“Yo!”
Two old friends exchanged hugs despite the unusual circumstances. Last time they’d met Lisa L Waltz hadn’t been the Destroyer of Tales, sitting beside her pool in the conceptual realm where stories were farmed, and Yo hadn’t been the protector of several million refugees and their Land That Common Sense Forgot. It didn’t seem to matter.
“Yo is to be being very pleased that you are not to be all wiped out by uncute Parody Mastering!”
“Yeah, and I’m glad you didn’t get a final ending either,” Lisa winked back. “Who’s your friend?”
Yo turned and introduced Anna the android. “Is to be helping of finding of new place to be putting of Yo’s Comic-Book-Limbo-friends. Yo is to be hiding them in Yo’s Happy Place for now but Yo can not be keeping of that for evering.”
“They say you’re in charge of endings,” Anna noted of the Destroyer of Tales. She was rather nervous. Her sensors were picking up all kinds of wild readings that warned her that she wasn’t where she thought she was, doing what she thought she was doing. This was a conceptual realm indeed.
“Oh, a few people say I’m quite good with ends,” the amorous advocatrix grinned. “And crevices. And I do like to be in charge.”
“Yo is to be thinking that cute-Lisa is needing to be helping of Yo-friends now.”
Lisa put down her cocktail. “What did you have in mind?” she wondered.
Anna stepped forward. “I’ve been doing some calculations.” She handed over a precisely written pad of paper. “Is this possible?”
***
“So why aren’t we allowed in there?” demanded Silicone Sally, pacing up and down the Lair Legion Living Room while half the roster of Earth’s greatest heroes huddled in the Meeting Room along the corridor.
“Ah, that’d be on account of ye being a deceivin’ wicked supervillain, lassie,” suggested Sergeant MacHarridan, the Detonator Hippo in charge of Lair Security. He was none too happy that Sally had managed to hide in plain sight for many months as the costume of Baroness von Zemo in her Citizen Z disguise.
“I didn’t notice anybody objecting when I helped out against the Parody Master,” objected Sally Reyziliant. “Or in the Land That Common Sense Forgot.”
“Yeah, well that last one would be because you couldn’t keep your costume on while you stretched,” suggested Flapjack, sulking now that the Legion’s houseguest had been supplied with an improbable molecule combat suit. “But its not just you isn’t let into the meeting. That De Soth man is in the Lair Infirmary cooling his heels with Uhuna and Grace, and Killer Shrike would have been banned if he hadn’t pulled his mysterious disappearing act.”
“And until we ken where that Baroness woman is we cannae let ye have the free wanderin’ o’ this hoose,” added MacHarridan.
Hallie’s holographic form blinked in. “We have more serious problems than Silicone Sally,” she warned them. “Does anyone know why the SPUD helicarrier might be approaching us on an attack vector, weapons hot?”
***
“So you’re from an ancient powerful family who expect you to conform to their strict and confining values, and who keep trying to marry you off to unsuitable horrid people and penalise you when you resist?” Princess Uhunalura asked Vinnie De Soth. “Maybe we should have dinner sometime?”
The tousle-haired exorcist-for-hire shrugged uncomfortably. “I just try to keep my head down,” he answered, ignoring a snicker from April Apple in the next cubicle where she was dressing after getting a check-up from Grace O’Mercy. “I got kind of expelled from my family after this thing I did.”
“Was it getting drunk and sleeping with this man you hardly knew?” wondered Uhuna. “Because that could happen to anyone.”
“Er, no. It was fighting in the Parody War. Against the Parody Master.”
“That turned out to be the smart thing to do, anyhow,” Grace noted, packing away a blood-pressure gauge. Momentary exposure to the vicious atmosphere of Pluto before Danny had snatched April and her family through the Portal of Pretentiousness seemed to have done CSFB!’s wife no lasting harm. “After all, the Parody Master fell.”
“I did it because it was right, not smart” Vinnie admitted, blushing.
“That’s very heroic of you, Vinnie,” smiled Uhuna. “Did I mention that Bill and I were on a break?”
“We still need Vinnie to help us figure out what happened to Marie,” Grace intervened, placing her white-uniformed sternness between the occultist and the Abhuman. “And Vinnie’s still suffering from the residual effects of an assault from Dr Loveray.”
“I would like to know exactly what happened to me when I was murdered this time,” admitted the banshee of Marie Murcheson. “I seem to be a ghost, but it’s not like it was before.”
Vinnie De Soth was much happier on professional grounds. “Yeah, well, it seems like the Lair Mansion didn’t have access to Celestian power to save your consciousness this time,” he suggested. “But it did have a link with Visionary’s dimensional lighthouse, so it kind of stored you there. And the Mansion must have learned from when it adopted Hallie as a defence, so this time you’ve kept your wits about you.”
“But I can’t leave Parody Island,” Marie complained. “When I try, I fade.”
“We all have our limitations,” whispered Grace. “Our burdens.”
Vinnie glanced at the Night Nurse so few knew to be a vampire. He looked at the white nurse’s cap on her forehead. “Our crosses to bear?” he noted.
Any response from Grace was drowned out by the emergency klaxon.
“Now we’re back to normal,” noted Alice Apple, emerging from her cubicle. “Wonder how the world’s ending this time?
***
“Hey, Sam! Magweed! Griffin! Where are you?” called Kara Harper.
“We know you hide out somewhere around here,” Cody added, checking up and down the corridor. “There are all kinds of architectural clues in this old mansion if you just take the time to decode them. One hidden garret’s nothing too special when you can read any language.”
“Or solve any equation,” added Kara competitively. “So c’mon out. We need to talk.”
Griffin slipped through a wall. “What’s the problem now? Dad said when we hear the emergency klaxons then we hide.”
“We’ve got new orders,” Kara told him. “We have to evacuate. Where are the others?”
“They’re coming,” Griffin promised. “What’s the plan?”
“The plan,” Cody said, “is that you come with us-us-us.” And he grabbed Griffin.
The electricity spiked through his body as his hand passed through the insubstantial boy to the live power feed Griffin was concealing inside himself. Before Kara could react with her omni-diode ray, Samantha Featherstone dropped out of the shadows and disabled her with a neck pinch.
Al B’ Harper’s almost-twins changed back to Space Fandom form.
“You were right,” Sam said to Magweed as she emerged from the secret passage to their secret garret. “Their hearts were wrong.”
Magweed wasn’t happy. “They’re not the only ones,” she fretted.
***
Al B. Harper dashed out of the Meeting Room on a beeline for the Ops Room. “What’s going on?” he demanded. “We’re trying to sift data here. I’m trying to genius!”
“Incoming attack from the SPUD carrier,” Hallie supplied. “They’ve launched their aerial assault cars and they’re coming in behind a missile screen.”
“SPUD have turned evil?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! cried. “Well, I guess it was only a matter of time before Tony Stark came to this reality as well!”
“Any warning?” demanded Yuki Shiro, Tactical Officer. “Any reason?”
Silicone Sally raced out from the Living Room. “Maybe they think we’re hiding Lyle here?” she suggested. “Again.”
“Humans do weird things,” offered the Shoggoth as if that explained it all.
“We’ve got a problem,” Hallie warned. “They’ve angled the missiles so that if we deflect them they’ll hit the city.”
The Shoggoth swelled from his bandages, abandoning any semblance of human shape. “I shall try to discourage them,” he bubbled.
“We hae intruders tryin tae get across the bridge frae Paradopolis!” warned Sergeant MacHarridan. “Hundreds o’th buggers, overwhelming the non-lethal defences.”
“Is there any chance we could go for twenty minutes straight without someone trying to kill us?” complained Meggan Foxxx, shepherding babies towards the Safe Room.
“Aw, where’s the fun in that?” demanded Yuki. “Okay, defence setting five, Hallie. Dream, Shoggoth, perimeter defence Arbuckle. Jump on everything.”
“Sally, come with us,” offered CSFB!
Vinnie de Soth emerged from the Sick Bay. “Who puts emergency klaxons in a hospital?” he demanded. “It’s not soothing.”
The banshee of Marie Murcheson drifted out behind him. “You have no idea how many emergencies we get here, Vinnie.”
“I’m getting comm-signals from Hatman,” Hallie alerted them. “Putting him on speaker.”
“…esident’s gone mad,” came the crackling voice of Jay Boaz. “We’ve got the full White House security force on our tail, not to mention OPS and some new generation Sentinoids that Harmanda Barriere’s cooked up. I’m guessing somebody’s got to the US leadership. They might be Space Fandoms.”
“Us versus the US Government,” sighed Yuki. “Okay.”
“Nah, we already did that in SR 1066,” CSFB! snorted dismissively. “This has got to be something else.”
“Comm-signal from Nats,” called out Hallie. “He and Champagne were trying to locate the Psychic Samurai, but they’re being attacked by people in the street. Right now they’re heading for police HQ to take refuge with Commissioner Graham.”
“Hey, I got visual on the invaders trying to cross the bridge,” called Al B. Harper. “Looks like they’re being led by Reverend Mac Fleetwood.”
Grace O’Mercy and Princess Uhuna emerged from the Sick Bay. “Mac?” puzzled the Night Nurse. “Why would he attack us?”
Miss Framlicker chimed in from the Ops Room. “Call from Dancer. Some kind of mind-control riot at the Bean and Donut. She was quite upset.”
“I really picked a bad time to try and reform,” admitted Silicone Sally.
The Junior Lair Legion joined everybody else in the corridor. “Hey, and do you know what the worst part is?” asked Kerry Shepherdson, just before she detonated the Lair Mansion.
***
The doors to the conceptual realm where the greater cosmic office holders dwelled was closed; but it had not always been, so Sir Mumphrey Wilton used his Chronometer of Infinity to open the way at a time when passage had not been barred. Even a minor office holder like him was supreme in his own field of responsibility, and the eccentric Englishman was one of the longest-serving of the arbiters of the Parodyverse now.
The Chronicler of Stories looked up from his desk with a resigned frustration as his ravens of destiny escorted Sir Mumphrey Wilton and Asil Ashling into the writing annexe of the Hall of Stories. “I suppose the order ‘I am not to be disturbed’ was a little bit unclear, was it Pallas?” the Chronicler growled.
“Your orders are important, sir,” Pallas the raven responded, “And as always we did try. Sir Mumphrey is a man whom it is awkward to deny.”
“Don’t blame the birds,” Mumphrey told the office holder responsible for the narrative strands of the Parodyverse. “Needed to see you, so I came. Enough said.”
The Chronicler pointed in a random direction. “I think you’re looking for Lisa. She has time for interruptions. Her estate’s growing over that way.”
“We didn’t come for the doody-head,” Asil told him. “We came to find out what you’re up to, Chronicler.”
“Miss Ashling’s correct,” Mumphrey agreed. “Came to find out what’s really going on, dash it.”
The Chronicler sighed and put down his pen.
“You warned the Lair Legion, then scared the leaders of the world, with stories about Danny Lyle threatening the Parodyverse,” Asil accused the thin man in the old-style suit. “You set up that whole witch-hunt against poor Danny, which in turn set up the heroes all vanishing on Parody Island.”
“It’s not my role to explain my actions,” the Chronicler of Stories replied. “Now if that’s all…”
“Hardly, sirrah,” growled Sir Mumphrey Wilton. “Look, I recognise there’s things you can’t say. Hold a cosmic office myself, as it happens. Know there are limits to how much you can interfere before those dashed Auditor chappies start to buzz around like mosquitoes. But I also know there’s ways and means of makin’ things happen that don’t quite set off their alarms, what?”
“It would be entirely improper for a major office holder to behave in that way,” replied the Chronicler.
“Which isn’t the same as saying you don’t do it,” pointed out Asil. “Lara Night thought you’d gone evil, that you were a menace to the Parodyverse.”
“Pot and kettle,” replied the Chronicler. “I just have a tough job that requires tough calls. And I don’t account for myself to mortals.”
“Not a people person,” agreed Mumph. “but it occurs that without the Lyle plot you triggered the Void Scholar might have done his scheme at another time. A time when there weren’t so many heroes gathered in the Mansion able to master that Land That Common Sense Forgot, able to get back and deal with business.”
“You might think that,” agreed the Chronicler neutrally.
“Also seems to me that there’s been a level of coincidence that wouldn’t normally happen.”
“Possibly.”
“You’re not going to help us, are you?” Asil accused the Chronicler. “You could tell us where Epitome is, or Liu Xi. You could tell us what the Void Scholar was really up to. You could help us to find Danny Lyle and sort things out with the world’s governments. You just won’t.”
“He can’t,” Sir Mumphrey told his amanuensis. “That’d break the code. Isn’t done. Can’t be done.”
“And I wasn’t the one who triggered this plot,” the Chronicler noted. “I just ensured a suitable response.”
Mumphrey looked up sharply. “The Moderator Saga? Somebody set one version of young Lyle on a deadly path. Who?”
The Chronicler spread his hands. “I don’t know.”
Asil’s eyes widened. “But you’re the Chronicler of Stories!”
Now Mumphrey understood the Chronicler’s actions, and his reticence. The warning was received and understood. The Chronicler had helped them after all. “It’s not over yet, is it?” the eccentric Englishman realised. “We thought it was finished when we got back to Earth and put down the villains, but there’s more.”
“There’s always more,” answered the Chronicler.
Asil looked at Sir Mumphrey. “What do we do now?” she asked.
“Go back that way,” the Chronicler advised, pointing to a door they hadn’t noticed before.
Mumphrey nodded and led the way through the old dark archway.
Someone was waiting for him on the other side.
“Good evening, Sir Mumphrey, Miss Ashling,” said the Hooded Hood.
***
The Space Fandom that had replaced Kerry Shepherdson had all her memories and all her abilities. Now it had been triggered and come to a full realisation that it was an impostor and knew what it had to do, killing the mortals seemed easy given the power at its command.
The tranquilliser dart hit it in the left buttock just before it pyrokinetically exploded the whole Lair Mansion.
Ham-Boy and Fashion Accessory had time to turn before they too received darts in their flesh. Just as the real Juniors would have fallen so these Space Fandom doubles found their sight blurring and their limbs weakening. They toppled to the ground.
Harlagaz didn’t fall to tranquillisers. Glory leapt at him, wrestling the Ausgaridan impostor to the ground while Visionary dropped the tranquilliser gun and ran in with a power dampener.
“Well, I approve of the new hard-line stand on Juniors discipline,” admitted Miss Framlicker, “but is this really the time?”
“Vizh has finally snapped,” worried Uhuna. “One exploding pillow too many. We should have seen it coming.”
But Yuki had read the spiking lifesigns of Kerry and the others just before Vizh’s unexpected assault. “The Juniors were about to attack us!” the cyborg P.I. reported.
“Really?” puzzled the Shoggoth, looking round. “I thought it was just these Space Fandoms?”
Now they were down the four Fandoms reverted to their usual spindly sexless forms, grey and withered.
“They were Space Fandoms!” CSFB! whistled. “You might have mentioned that, Shoggy.”
“Is anyone else here a Space Fandom?” Hallie demanded of the loathsome elder being, running hasty bio-diagnostics in case that helped.
“No,” replied the Shoggoth. “Should they be?”
Al B. Harper was examining the fallen void aliens. “Something’s wrong,” he warned. “Usually when these guys imitate somebody their victim gets temporarily projected to Comic-Book Limbo. When the Space Fandom falls then their subject automatically returns here.”
“Kerry and the others aren’t back!” Visionary said worriedly. He wondered how many times he’d uttered that phrase, then wished that he’d be able to say it many times again. The alternative was heartbreaking.
“And finally we have the clue we need about what those giant pits did when they went off,” the archscientist realised. “Just how many Space Fandoms are there on Earth right now?”
The first blasts of the SPUD helicarrier’s attack run burst overhead, shaking the Mansion.
“And just how badly do they want to wipe the Lair Legion off the planet?” worried Vinnie De Soth.
“And where has that Void Scholar taken the kids?” demanded Vizh. “And is he making Samantha be his bride?”
***
Hatman grabbed the Librarian in one arm and Amber St Clare in the other and powered through the corridors of the White House using his Jets hat. The entire Secret Service tried to kill him as he went.
“Do all Hatman’s meeting with the President end like this?” wondered Lee Bookman.
“A surprising number of them,” admitted Amber, presidential liaison officer. “The Mark V Sentinoids are new.”
Hatman swerved into a landing then headed straight upwards towards a cupola dome to make for the open skies.
“Sorry,” Amber told him. “I can’t allow that.” She swiped the cap from his head, plunging the three of them to the ground below.
Lee caught them. People often forgot that his Librarian robes included anti-gravity capability for reaching those high shelves. He also discharged The Curious Gardener’s Almanac into the Space Fandom that had replaced Amber before letting the reverted spindly form drop on the G-Men below.
“Amber’s been replaced?” Hatman gasped. “And maybe that’s why Garrick’s trying to kill us too. Maybe. But we were all tested.”
“And if the people who tested us were Space Fandoms?” wondered the Librarian. “How easy would it be to take some of us into little testing booths and replace us there? Not Legionnaires that others of us might easily spot, but a few support staff?”
Hatman pulled on his Rockets cap and prepared to fly through the roof. A tell-tale force-field glimmer warned him that the Secret Service had activated additional defences now. He swerved down, scattering G-Men, toppling a Sentinoid through a wall and heading past it towards the West Wing.
Each door along the corridor suddenly blew off its hinges, spraying lava out into the hallway where they flew.
“That upgrade’s not in the White House Security manual!” complained Lee.
The doorway behind them burst open as high-pressure deep-sea water spilled into the room. Where it hit the lava the air became scalding mist.
“Over there!” Hatman pointed. Through the open double-doors to the next chamber along his own lookalike was smirking and beckoning him on. “That’s the Space Fandom who tried to kill the helicarrier and frame me, who pretended to be me on national TV!”
“Looks like he’s ready for a final showdown,” the Librarian noted.
Doorman grinned and lured Hatman towards the doorway he’d primed. This was going to be good.
“Except he’s not copying me, or I’d be in Limbo,” Hatman reasoned to Lee. “And his powers seem different too. The hats are just a ruse.” He pushed way down into the transdimensional space of his Hatility Belt and pulled out a black knitted beanie, fashionable designer headgear for a baby, stitched with the word ‘sucker’. He jammed it on his head.
Doorman suddenly found himself irresistibly dragged forward towards his this-world counterpart. “Oh sh…”
“I reckon this Space Fandom copied my evil self from the Moderator’s world, that Doorman,” noted Jay Boaz. “In which case…”
Doorman passed through the doorframe trap he’d prepared for Hatman and disappeared with a scream.
The volcano and deep sea portals all closed. The outer wall collapsed, leaving a clear escape from the blistered White House.
By the time the Sentinoids arrived, Hatman and the Librarian were gone.
***
The assault on Parody island was projected up as a 3-D hologram display in the Lair Mansion Operations Room. “I can’t keep them all out,” Hallie warned as she multi-tasked at the defences. “Not with the defences on non-lethal.”
“And who knows which of those people attacking us is an evil lookalike and which is the real thing under some kind of super-hypnosis?” sighed Amy Aston. “Really, it’s days like these where you wish they made bigger wrenches.”
The screens along the walls showed real-time imagery of the Shoggoth absorbing missile attacks, or Yuki, CSFB!, Sally, and Sergeant MacHarridan holding back the ground invasion. All of them were being pushed back. The Shoggoth was looking ragged.
Suddenly the mass of possible-humanity seething across the bridge from Paradopolis was all tipped over into the sea. Nats had arrived, carrying Champagne and Dancer and burning in low, telekinetically clearing a wedge as he came.
“Helicarrier now in maximum assault position,” Miss Framlicker warned. “If somebody’s going to do something clever, now’s the time. Al.”
“Okay, okay,” agreed the archscientist. “Hallie, switch all defences away from the carrier. Concentrate them on the ground attacks.”
“What?” objected Visionary. “That carrier could turn this from Parody Island to Parody Crater. We have children in the Mansion!”
“This really wasn’t the time to choose to go back to being evil,” sighed Amy.
There was another alarm. Marie Murcheson looked up sharply. “Enemies enter through the ghoul tunnels,” she warned. “They are not the Ghouls we know.”
“Space Fandom Ghouls,” Flapjack shuddered. “Lovely.”
“I will deal with them,” warned Marie, and flickered out.
“I’d, um, better see that she’s alright,” added Grace O’Mercy, slipping away to provide a certain degree of undead solidarity.
“What can a Night Nurse do to help against ghouls?” puzzled Vizh.
“She’ll do fine,” Vinnie assured the possibly-fake man. “Really.”
“Now about this not-protecting ourselves from the lethal multi-billion pound flying death machine..?” prompted Miss F.
“Do it!” ordered Al, chomping down on his bubble pipe.
Hallie glanced at Vizh. Vizh shrugged.
“Here goes,” sighed the A.I. and made the switch.
“Are we sure Al B’s not a Space Fandom, by the way?” asked Flapjack belatedly.
***
A hundred flying vehicles from the SPUD helicarrier screamed forward in attack formation. The vast bathtub bulk of the carrier itself loomed over the Lair Mansion.
Then suddenly every vehicle’s anti-grav engines cut out, plunging them down into the ocean. The carrier’s air to surface weaponry turned on the civilians invading Parody Island.
A gravely voice came over the comm-link to the Operations Room. “Awright, you yahoos, nice going. Who figured that after the last time somebody took control’a my helicarrier I might have put in a personal voice over-ride?”
“That would be me,” admitted Al B. Harper. “Want me to tell you what the over-ride was as well?”
“Shut up, brains trust,” growled Dan Drury. “Anyhow, turns out I got me a bus full’a Space Fandoms, so I triggered the tranq gas and me and Talia are piloting the carrier ourselves. We also got a couple’a civvies who – don’t touch that – who tipped us off ta the impostors.”
“Chad and Ronnie,” recognised Dancer, striding into the ops Room with Nats and Champagne. “Hey, boys!”
“Hello, Miss Dancer,” came back Ronnie’s voice. There was also a brief burst of harmonica.
“Now do you want to tell me why you’re blowing people up, Colonel Drury?” demanded Sarah Shepherdson. She didn’t approve of blowing people up.
“They’re not people,” Hallie reported. “I’m just getting the sensor information in on the downed invaders. They’re Space Fandoms. All Space Fandoms.”
“Every one?” frowned Nats. “That makes no sense.”
“It makes perfect sense,” countered Champagne. “Mr Beesleyhuxtoy, Mr Swiss, how many people on Earth do you think have been replaced by Space Fandoms?”
Chad and Ronnie conferred. “Er, all of them?” suggested Ronnie.
“All of…?” Nats swallowed hard.
“In fact everybody who wasn’t in close proximity to our battle at the North Pole, would you say?” Champagne persisted.
“Of course!” agreed Al. “That’s what the dimensional transfer pits were for! That’s why people aren’t returning when the Fandoms fall! The whole population of Earth has been kidnapped just like we were before, dropped in Comic-Book Limbo by the Void Scholar.”
“The whole Earth?” frowned Flapjack. “But I have a date Saturday.”
“The whole population of Earth,” Hallie clarified. “What about other lifeforms? Animals? Plants? Microbes?”
“Anything animal bigger than a gnat, Chad thinks,” reported Ronnie. In the background Drury swore.
Hatman had been monitoring the conversation over the communications feed. “Right, I want a full Lair Island lockdown,” he warned. “Lethal measures are authorised, since the Fandoms won’t die if we destroy their bodies here. Prepare for attack from anything from a swarm of insects to every metahuman on the planet. We’re under siege, and we need to keep them out long enough for us to figure out a way to reverse this.”
“We almost took down the Space Fandoms before, with our trap,” noted Miss Framlicker. “But we needed Cody and Kara.”
Amy looked up from the monitor console. “Okay, I think we’ve got the first attack,” she admitted. “Looks like a full nuclear spread, thirty incoming missiles. Enough to reduce the east coast to radioactive dust, and us with it.”
“Hmm, that would be most inconvenient,” mused the Shoggoth.
***
Galaxies away in the Great Webhall of the Z’Sox Guildmistresses an interesting legal point was being debated.
“According to cussstom and practisse of accepted galactic lawssss, a planet is consssidered abandoned if it has lessss than one hundred of itssss dominant ssspeciesss remaining in resssidence… How many humansssss remain on Sol III right now…?”
***
The Carnifex sat in his black iron Esqualine Tower and watched the incoming rain of nuclear death with a certain disappointment. “This isn’t a very imaginative end for such remarkable heroes,” he mourned. “I do hope they think of something clever.”
He watched the first of the bombs blister down, evaporating Parody Island and Paradopolis. His own tower didn’t even shudder as the multi-megaton blast ripped past it.
“Oh well,” he sighed. “Never mind.”
***
There’s a next time? We cover what’s happening with the Void Scholar, with the Void Scholar’s grand-daughter, with the Void Scholar’s grand-daughter’s lover, with the Void Scholar’s bride, with the Void Scholar’s kidnapped six billion humans, and with the Void Scholar’s master plan. According to the schedule this could be the penultimate chapter, but who really knows? Anyway, that’s in The Downfall of Danny Lyle, coming… well, when it comes.
Author’s Note: because I’m working on restricted writing time, and because I’m forcing this story along fast towards a conclusion now, I’ve undoubtedly shortchanged some cast members of scenes they should have had. There are reunions, explanations, strange adventures in a world that’s not what it seems, and I’ve glossed over them to get this all done in one chapter. If people have tie-ins, additional scenes, or whole storylines that they want to slot in then please go ahead and do it. I can edit short pieces into this narrative, or we can treat them as separate chapters. But this is meant to be a round robin, albeit a different style of shared story, so any input is encouraged and welcome.
Next time round I’ll be tying up the plots with Liu Xi, Danny, and the Juniors. Time after we’ll be heading for our grand finale. Will the Void Scholar win after all? Is this the end for our heroes on the very anniversary of their foundation? Will a new Lair Legion rise from the ashes?
Answers on a postcard (or possibly just via the reply box).
Previous Chapters:
#1: “And just when did Danny find time to take over the Parodyverse?” by Dancer
#2: "Sometime you have to turn flammable again!" by Visionary
#3: That’s the Way the Story Goes by the Hooded Hood
#4: See No Evil by the Hooded Hood
#5: Whodunnit by the Hooded Hood, Visionary, Killer Shrike, and Jason
#6: Suspicious Behaviour by the Hooded Hood, Jason, Hatman, and CrazySugarFreakBoy!
#7: Accusation and Denial by the Hooded Hood, JJJ, Jason and L!
#8: The Final Solution by the Hooded Hood and Dancer
#9: The Land That Common Sense Forgot by the Hooded Hood
#9.1: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#9.2: Chad and Ronnie by L!
#9.3: “In addition to cappuccino and personal hygiene these tribespeople have not yet invented underwear.” by Dancer
#9.4: Lone Lost Boy & Heroines Hanging Together by CrazySugarFreakBoy!
#9.5: From Dross into Gold by Killer Shrike
#9.6: Old Friends and New Allies by Visionary
#9.7: Taking a Swim by L!
#9.8: A Post-Swim Chat by L!
#9.9: Champagne and the Land That Common Sense Forgot by Champagne
#10: The Age of Villains by the Hooded Hood
#10.1: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#10.2: The Baroness #55 by JJJ
#10.3: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#10.4: Ewe Gotta Have Hart 1 by Killer Shrike
#10.5: Ewe Gotta Have Hart 2 by Killer Shrike
#11: An Age Undreamed Of by the Hooded Hood
#12: The New Lair Legions (And Other Heroes) by the Hooded Hood
#12.1: I Hate You by Visionary
#12.2: Champagne and the Tower of Laments by Champagne
#12.3: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#12.4: The Hearing by Visionary
#12.5: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#13: Exploring the Forbidden Valley, or Samantha Featherstone and the Crystal Goddess by the Hooded Hood
#14: Real Heroes by the Hooded Hood
#14.1: “I’d like to be clear that I’m a no-skewer zone, and have been since college.” by Dancer
#14.2: Catherine & the Danger Zone by L!
#14.3: “Do you know how much shaving I had to do to put this thing on?” by Visionary
#14.4: “Well we can’t just wait here till we find a use for Visionary. We’ll starve to death.” by Dancer
#15: Change and Decay by the Hooded Hood
#15.1: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#15.2: Hazardous Chemicals by Killer Shrike
#16: One Moment In Time by the Hooded Hood
#17: Slaves of the Brain Eaters, Thralls of the Blood-Drinkers by the Hooded Hood
#18: Now Get Out Of That by the Hooded Hood
#18.1: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#18.2: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#18.3 Crossing Lines by CrazySugarFreakBoy!
#18.4 Shooting You With My Smile by CrazySugarFreakBoy!
#18.5: Funeral For a Friend by L!
#18.6: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#18.7 Playing Both Ends by CrazySugarFreakBoy!
#18.8: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#18.9: Adventures in Parodyverse by Jason
#18.10: Valued Employee by Visionary
#19: Probable Cause by the Hooded Hood
#20: Good Intentions by the Hooded Hood
#20.1: Very Special Guest Star by Hatman
#21: Points of View by the Hooded Hood
#22: Plot Points by the Hooded Hood
#22.1: Potholes In Memory Lane by Visionary
#22.2: Dancer’s Saving the Future Amnesiac Hallie Tie-in Special: “I’m pretty sure there’s two tongues involved in that. That is serious stunt kissing.” by Dancer
#22.3: Amnesiac Hallie Tie-in Special #2: "Don't get me started on how recursive the title and storyline is getting". by the Manga Shoggoth
#22.4: Bridging the Gap by Jason
#22.5: Oh That Joey Z! parts 1-3 by Spaztic Child, the Hooded Hood, and Visionary
#22.6: Oh That Joey Z! part 4 by L!
#22.7: Oh That Joey Z! part 5 by the Hooded Hood
#23: Don’t Give Up Now, It’s the Blockbuster Summer Action Episode by the Hooded Hood
***
Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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The Hooded Hood
Mon Aug 25, 2008 at
06:48:50 am EDT
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Posted from United Kingdom
using Microsoft Internet Explorer/Windows XP
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 Saving the Future – Part 25: Invasion of the Booty Snatchers - The Hooded Hood - Mon Aug 25, 2008 at 06:48:50 am EDT
- This has certainly whet my appetite for more...though it seems the more will be a large crater! (no text) - Al B. Haper - Sat Aug 30, 2008 at 05:33:10 pm EDT
- Puns? Making puns on a title like that would leave me feeling a right... oh.... never mind. - Manga Shoggoth - Wed Aug 27, 2008 at 05:51:08 am EDT
- Its an invasion by two of my most favorite things! (no text) - killer shrike - Tue Aug 26, 2008 at 10:19:07 pm EDT
- No wonder our Q score plummeted. - Visionary - Mon Aug 25, 2008 at 07:30:18 pm EDT
- Moving at a breakneck pace ... [Spoilers] - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Mon Aug 25, 2008 at 07:23:47 pm EDT
- We have seen the enemy & they is us! - L! - Mon Aug 25, 2008 at 02:20:42 pm EDT
- They is? - HH - Mon Aug 25, 2008 at 02:39:21 pm EDT
- Yes. - L! - Mon Aug 25, 2008 at 09:41:38 pm EDT
- Re: Yes. - HH - Wed Aug 27, 2008 at 11:59:20 am EDT
- That name sounds like foreshadowing. [Spoilers] - Anime Jason - Mon Aug 25, 2008 at 11:17:24 am EDT
- You do like cliffhangers don't you? - Rhiannon - Mon Aug 25, 2008 at 11:15:26 am EDT
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