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Modern Malefactor Revisited was made by Posting the Flapjack interview for those who may have missed the issue on 4/28/2003 at 7:52:02 PM.
When henchmen get together they tend to talk about the greats – Egor, Mini-me, Oddjob, Egor, Passepartout, that little guy off Fantasy Island that shouts “De plane, boss!”, and Egor. But when those guys get together over a few glasses of whatever’s missing from the master’s cellar the henchman they discuss has got to be Flapjack, the most controversial man in contemporary toadying. Modern Malefactor caught up with him on at his weekly night off at the Zero Street Lurkorama and managed to get a few answers from the Hooded Hood’s former hench-hunchback and current lurker-in-residence for the Lair Legion.
Modern Malefactor: Thanks for talking to us, Flapjack. Before we get into the other stuff though, I’ve gotta ask: tights or lederhosen?
Flapjack: For the modern lackey? Tights for everyday looming, especially if you’re doing the ol’ crouch-and–carry for the young mistress’ bags. Nothing reveals the butt crack like undersized hose. But lederhosen for formal occasions.
MM: You’re a traditionalist at heart?
Flapjack: Well, sure. There’s a reason the classics are the classics. Give me a pair of thumbscrews, a hamster, and an opportunity to fake a lisp and I can have the peasants reaching for the pitchforks before the fish course is over.
MM: Could you fill us in a little on your background. You’re one of the Carpathian Flapjacks, right?
Flapjack: Yep. Learned to lurch at my Daddy’s knee. In fact, after that accident with Dr Frankensnork’s shredder I learned to lurch with my Daddy’s knee. I was brought up to respect the three F’s - frighting, flogging, and flunkeying.
MM: You certainly have an impressive resume. You’ve worked for some of the top names in villainy in your time, culminating in a stint as henchman-in-disgust for the Hooded Hood himself.
Flapjack: Yeah, I could tell you some stories. But I won’t, because, y’know, HH is only dead. It’s not like he can’t get me.
MM: What was it like, being that close to an evil genius?
Flapjack: Well, Lisa only came to dinner that one time while I was… Oh, the Hood? Pretty scary. Pretty exciting. You never knew from one moment to the next what your origin was going to be. Plus, he had a pretty narrow-minded view of me using his Portal of Pretentiousness to videotape girls in the shower.
MM: Hence the demise of your adult film company.
Flapjack: That wasn’t the only thing that nearly demised when the Hood found out.
MM: But after one of the Hooded Hood’s deaths you went through an abrupt career change and went to work for – of all people – the Lair Legion. What was that all about, and what do you say to those people who say you sold out to the Man?
Flapjack: I’d say Visionary was never the Man in his life. No, really it was about wanting to push the boundaries, try something new. And the LL was just crying out for a perverted spooky butler.
MM: They were?
Flapjack: Oh, sure. I mean, look at them. Big gothic haunted mansion with creaky front door? Check. Storm-tossed island connected with the mainland by a single bridge? Check. Secret cellars with loathsome elder thingies below? Check. They badly needed a hunchback to complete the set.
MM: So you took the job to extend your professional boundaries?
Flapjack: Well, that and because all the girls there are so hot. Not that I’m allowed within thirty feet of them or any video recording equipment, on pain of a Troianectomy. There are sometimes misunderstandings about my advanced methods of laundering their underwear.
MM: Doesn’t it feel strange though, working for the forces of order and law?
Flapjack: You clearly haven’t seem how ordered and lawful they are at breakfast after a late night Buffython.
MM: And the risk of being stomped in a supervillain attack doesn’t bother you?
Flapjack: Hey, we Carpathian Flapjacks enjoy pain. In fact my contract stipulates a damn good flogging every week, but since Lisa left the line-up they’ve mostly been in breach. It’s in litigation now. I can’t talk about it.
MM: Most weeks?
Flapjack: Well, sometimes Trickshot catches me reading his Swimsuit Illustrated.
MM: What have you to say to the new generation of minions out there today? Any advice for up-and-coming flunkies and flunkettes?
Flapjack: Well, I guess I’d want to tell them to work on the basics. Everybody these days is so keen on having some kewl berserker psycho-killer shtick that they ignore the fundamentals. Concentrate on the letching, spying, sneaking, crawling, and leering and the rest will follow on naturally. You have to crawl before you can limp. And never be afraid to say “Shall I fetch more electrodes, master.”
MM: Flapjack, thank you.
Flapjack: Hey, no problem. And, er, whoever it was sold you those nude Dancer sunbathing shots, it wasn’t me, right?
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Flapjack’s CV and Job Application Letter
This article is dedicated to Visionary, whose excellent artwork put the form into deformed – HH