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Baron Zemo's Lair

Dear Vizzionarry
Saturday, 04-Mar-2000 06:09:07 writes:

    Dear Vizzionarry,

    Hi there! It’s me, Flapjack. Y’know the hunchbacked guy that was the Hooded Hood’s most important assistant. Er, that Deathwalker geek’s dead, right?

    I know things are a bit busy for you right now, what with you trying to worm your way out of leading the Lair Legion and stuff, but I hope you have time to consider my letter.

    Y’see, things have been a bit quiet since ol’ HH took a bullet through the head from Baron Zemo, and PARTICULARLY quiet on the salary front, if you see what I mean. So I figured that important heroes like the Lair Legion would be needing a butler and stuff to look after their mansion, right? I mean, somebody’s got to answer the door and get the drinks and help Troia into the shower other stuff, right?

    Well it just so happens I’m available to be hired right now, so here’s me resumé:

    Name: Flapjack (of the Carpathian Flapjacks)
    Vital Statsistics: Height – 4’ 11”, Weight 230 lbs without the iron boots and wrist manacles, Hump size 9 and all natural
    Previous Employment: Hunchbacked assistant to Hooded Hood. Duties included fawning, toadying, laughing maniacally, limping, and a bit of ironing; reason for leaving: Hood apparently dead
    Hunchbacked assistant to Mall, a lame-o supervillain from Untold Tales #4; reason for leaving: He’s a disgrace to the profession, and anyway Fin Fang Foom sat on him.
    Hunchbacked assistant to Blofish; reason for leaving: too much head hair
    Hunchbacked assistant to Count Fokker: reason for leaving: sexual harassment
    Hobbies and Interests: Photography, film-making. I ran a successful mail-order video company of candid celebrity films until the Hood found out, but I’ve still got some back-stock hidden in a pair of my old lederhosen if you’re interested. I also enjoy lurking, letching, gloating, dribbling, and looming.
    Skills and training: Graduated magna cum lurkae from Minion School, with distinction in torture chamber operations; winner of the Wadded Sock for Personal Unhygiene three years running; skilled at pit trap oiling, spike-poisoning, watching people through cut out eyes on ancestral portraits, baggage mishandling, and wearing hose that doesn’t cover my backside properly.
    Salary requirements: I require every third Tuesday afternoon off to visit my Uncle Mortimer, a regular damn good flaying, and a little garret of my own (note: I will NOT share a cupboard with Space ghost!).

    I enclose a stamped addressed envelope and some naked pictures of Sorceress to help you reply.

    Yours fawningly,



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Dear Vizzionarry (Flapjack) (04-Mar-2000 06:09:07)

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