Saturday, 04-Mar-2000 06:09:07
Hi there! It’s me, Flapjack. Y’know the hunchbacked guy that was the Hooded Hood’s most important assistant. Er, that Deathwalker geek’s dead, right?
I know things are a bit busy for you right now, what with you trying to worm your way out of leading the Lair Legion and stuff, but I hope you have time to consider my letter.
Y’see, things have been a bit quiet since ol’ HH took a bullet through the head from Baron Zemo, and PARTICULARLY quiet on the salary front, if you see what I mean. So I figured that important heroes like the Lair Legion would be needing a butler and stuff to look after their mansion, right? I mean, somebody’s got to answer the door and get the drinks and
Well it just so happens I’m available to be hired right now, so here’s me resumé:
Name: Flapjack (of the Carpathian Flapjacks)
Vital Statsistics: Height – 4’ 11”, Weight 230 lbs without the iron boots and wrist manacles, Hump size 9 and all natural
Previous Employment: Hunchbacked assistant to Hooded Hood. Duties included fawning, toadying, laughing maniacally, limping, and a bit of ironing; reason for leaving: Hood apparently dead
Hunchbacked assistant to Mall, a lame-o supervillain from Untold Tales #4; reason for leaving: He’s a disgrace to the profession, and anyway Fin Fang Foom sat on him.
Hunchbacked assistant to Blofish; reason for leaving: too much head hair
Hunchbacked assistant to Count Fokker: reason for leaving: sexual harassment
Hobbies and Interests: Photography, film-making. I ran a successful mail-order video company of candid celebrity films until the Hood found out, but I’ve still got some back-stock hidden in a pair of my old lederhosen if you’re interested. I also enjoy lurking, letching, gloating, dribbling, and looming.
Skills and training: Graduated magna cum lurkae from Minion School, with distinction in torture chamber operations; winner of the Wadded Sock for Personal Unhygiene three years running; skilled at pit trap oiling, spike-poisoning, watching people through cut out eyes on ancestral portraits, baggage mishandling, and wearing hose that doesn’t cover my backside properly.
Salary requirements: I require every third Tuesday afternoon off to visit my Uncle Mortimer, a regular damn good flaying, and a little garret of my own (note: I will NOT share a cupboard with Space ghost!).
I enclose a stamped addressed envelope and some naked pictures of Sorceress to help you reply.
|Dear Vizzionarry (Flapjack) (04-Mar-2000 06:09:07)|
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