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The Hooded Hood wishes everyone a Happy Easter with this double-sized postscript
Fri Mar 25, 2005 at 10:27:28 am EST

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#208: Untold Epilogues of the Tenth Caphan: Part Sixteen – The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn Is Just To Love And Be Loved In Return
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#208: Untold Epilogues of the Tenth Caphan: Part Sixteen – The Greatest Thing You’ll Ever Learn Is Just To Love And Be Loved In Return

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    The Manga Shoggoth came back to life.
    From a single atom of alien matter that had nothing to do with protons and electrons it split and reproduced with ferocious intensity, doubling and redoubling its biomass like a blossoming cancer. As it grew it twisted timespace around it, locally altering reality to accommodate its impossible bulk. When it was large enough it split apart into three separate globs, each one continuing to bubble and squirm until the elder creature was restored to its former stature.
    “Welcome back,” Ebony of Nubilia told the Manga Shoggoth. “I was starting to get worried.”
    I am fine, thank you, the Shoggoth told her politely. I was just dead for a while.
    We were more worried about you, Ebony Sh’Ron added. We were forced to die when you really needed us.
    Being dead really sucks complained Cthandra.
    “I know,” the High Priestess of the Shoggoth cult admitted.
    I take it that Nyalurkotep has been defeated? the Shoggoth asked.
    “Yes. I hid inside the Caphan boy and reinforced him,” the other Manga Shoggoth told its three greater biomasses. This was the part of the creature separated from the rest because it was contaminated by earthly matter, but that division had saved it when the herald of the Fairly Great Old Ones had commanded the larger entity to die. “The refugees did well, and the Lair Legion backed them.”
    How many are dead? How many insane? worried Sh’Ron.
    “Yo shielded the humans’ minds,” answered the Legion’s Shoggoth. “There were few casualties amongst those given refuge in the Sanctuary.”
    “Lemuria does still have a few elder servitors infesting the jungles and oceans though,” Ebony warned.
    Cthandra wobbled excitedly. Oh, goodie! Mummy, may I…?
    Go and play, dear, agreed Sh’Ron, but be back for metatransmigrating time.
    “I’d better go too,” the Legion’s Shoggoth admitted. “It is lovely to be back at the Sanctuary and to see you all, but… the temptation to merge is very great.”
    “The dimensional boundaries are a mess,” Ebony objected. “Liu Xi, Johnstantine, and I were nearly destroyed navigating here. Best leave it a few days until things have settled down and the Arch is clear.
    No, the Shoggoth is right, declared the Shoggoth. He is exiled. He must go.
    “Goodbye, Sh’Ron. Goobye Cthandra,” the Manga Shoggoth told them. And then he roiled inward until there was nothing left on the battered tropical shoreline except some damp wet sand.
    It would be kinder to let him cease, admitted the Manga Shoggoth, but where would we be then if he had not intervened against the Man in Black? I have much to ponder.
    And some serious housekeeping, pointed out Sh’Ron. This place is a mess.

***


    “Back to life?” objected Trickshot as he heard the news. “Just like that? I thought this Nyalurkotep bozo killed the big Shoggoth?”
    “Yeah, he did,” agreed Con Johnstantine, sitting opposite the irritating archer and playing gin rummy with a battered deck of tarot cards. “And then old Lurky got his avatar body all splatted and had to dribble off to the dreary dimensions, so now it’s return to goo central for the Shoggoth. Elder beings don’t live and die like we do. Don’t make the mistake of thinking he’s even remotely human.”
    “But he was dead,” complained Trickshot.
    “That was when the stars were wrong,” the annoying Englishman told him, laying down his cards. “By the way, I win. That’s eighteen million, seven hundred and ninety thousand you owe me now. And a hot dog.”
    “Aw crap.”

***

    Hatman had his construction worker’s hat on, and he was on the shore helping to rebuild the refugees’ shacks destroyed in the invasion and tempest that had almost overwhelmed Lemuria. “I think you’re just doing this to annoy me,” he told De Brown Streak. “I give you something to do and before I’ve finished speaking you’re back for another job.”
    “You’re complaining that I’m efficient?” Joshua John Clement asked innocently. “I’m De Streak, not De Procrastinator. You have a problem with that, oh glorious not actually leader?”
    “Play nicely, boys,” Dancer called over from where she was helping the Caphans lift their tent again. “This is the good bit of being a hero. We get to help people.”
    “But what genius asked Kerry to light the bonfire?” shuddered Nats.
    “Er, that would be me,” Al B. Harper admitted. “I wanted to see exactly how extreme an interaction bits of Dark Shoots of Shrub Noggerath would have under thermal stimulation. And now I know.”
    “Now we know,” agreed Jay Boaz darkly. “It’s a good job that Asian girl can do things with flame. Where is she now?” A nasty thought assailed her. “She’s not alone with CrazySugarFreakBoy! is she?”
    “Relax,” Dancer assured the capped crusader. “Yo’s chaperoning. And besides, Dream’s not chased anybody since he started dating Alice. He’s not a date-wolf like you’ve become Hatty.”
    “Me? But I…”
    Dancer laughed. “You’re such an easy target, Jay. Anyway, Yo took Dream and Li Xi out to clean up the last radiation from that transnuclear bomb and undo any nasty side-effects. Vizh said his hairline was receding fast enough anyway.”
    “Liu Xi can do that?” De Brown Streak whistled. “Shift radiation? I have got to get her phone number.”
    “I’m sure she’ll have already been warned about you,” Hatman told him. “In fact I’m absolutely certain of it.”
    “Anyway,” Al B. changed the subject hurriedly, “I’ve been checking the dimensional readings, and the planes are slowly returning to their usual juxtapositions. We should be able to get home in around four or five days, and with Yo’s help my new ultraetherscope can hook us up with the Lair Mansion by radio while we’re waiting. Which gives us time for a few experiments and a bit of data gathering.”
    De Brown Streak glanced speculatively over at the Caphan tent. “Excellent,” he enthused.
    Hatman sledgehammered in another tent peg.

***


    In her dream, Kaara danced for her father and the Lord of Viigo. She had worked hard on the Nine Movements of Desert Sunset, for it was a difficult piece to perform and Lord Toosin wanted her to make an impression on his guests. Kaara would be fifteen soon, and her father would be looking for a good sale for her; perhaps not to the House of Viigo, which was renowned but not rich, but if its lord praised her accomplishments it might enhance her value when the matrons assayed her.
    She was part way through the Fourth Movement, interpreting the breeze on dried grass, when she saw one of Lord Vaander’s son’s staring at her. Everyone was watching her, of course, but nobody was looking at her like that, with that intense total attention that followed every nuance of her motion.
    Kaara found herself blushing beneath her soft gauze veil. She tried to concentrate on the performance, but she could feel his stare burning into her even when she was looking away. Gradually the dance became less and less about her father and all the other people in the hall. It was all about one man. She found that she was dancing for him.
    Afterwards Lord Vaander did praise her talent, and Kaara saw the slavemistress log it down in her record of achievements. Many others complimented the girl on her work; but suddenly there was only one critique Kaara of Jaaxa was interested in.
    But Vaahir of Viigo did not speak to her then, and finally her father dismissed her and his other younger daughters, for the night was drawing in and the pleasure slaves were entering the hall to greet the noble guests.
    Kaara went to her chamber with a strange disappointment in her belly that almost hurt. She wondered if this is what her sisters had spoken of, the yearning to be owned that came upon a woman when she met her true master. And yet the young man hadn’t spoken. He was surely a lesser son.
    He was waiting in her chamber. “Kaara of Jaaxa,” he called. “Please don’t cry out!”
    The scream stopped in Kaara’s throat. “How did you get in?” she demanded instead.
    “I came over the balcony,” he shrugged.
    “We’re on the third floor,” the girl pointed out. “And the fierce guard glarns have been loosed in the womens’ courtyard below.”
    Vaahir dismissed the climb and the glarns with one expressive sweep of the hand. “I omitted to compliment you on your dance,” he told her.
    “So you violated your oath of comity and shamed your House by breaking into the womens’ quarters, risking war between your clan and mine?” Kaara asked pointedly. She was over her shock now and she felt she had to take some control.
    “Yes,” Vaahir admitted disarmingly. “But do not fear. I am not here as an enemy, or as a raider. I mean you no harm, and you will always be safe with me. I just…” For the first time the confident poise slipped. “I had to see you. And tell you.”
    “That you liked my dance?”
    “That I liked everything I saw.” He stared out of the window at the crimson sunset. “I was hoping when I spoke to you that you would be vain, shallow, unworthy.”
    “What? Why?”
    The young Caphan turned back to Kaara in anguish. “Because then perhaps I could quieten my heart and forget about you. I could survive without owning you. But…”
    “But?”
    “But you’re not. Kaara, do you believe there is love at a first glimpse? Love that will overcome any barrier and triumph over all odds no matter what the cost?”
    The daughter of the House of Taaleen had never thought of it. “Yes,” she found herself answering breathlessly.
    “I never did,” Vaahir told her, “until today. Until I saw you.”
    “You… shouldn’t be saying these things, my lord,” Kaara told him. “It is not seemly. I am a daughter of Toosin, who wears the yellow mantle for the House of Taaleen, and I am accomplished in all things. My price will be set high. Too high for a younger son of Viigo to own.”
     “I am Vaahir,” her suitor announced, “And I already own you, and you me. Don’t deny it. Some prices are paid in currency more precious than gold, and we have already spent our hearts.”
    Kaara caught herself nodding agreement. “This is madness,” she said instead. “Vaahir, you have to go! If you’re caught you’ll be killed and I’ll be ruined.”
    “Scream then,” the young man challenged. “That way no shame will fall upon you, and your reputation will not be tarnished at my intrusion.”
    “If you mean me no harm I can’t condemn you to death.”
    “If you won’t let me own you I might as well die now. Kaara, I’ll speak to my father, have him make a bid to Lord Toosin to buy you for me – if you will it.”
    “I - I might be content with such a sale,” the girl answered, swallowing hard. Was it only three hours since that she had sat in this room being prepared by the slavemistress and her sisters for her performance? “But I do not think Lord Vaander can meet my price. Other great Houses come to the Fortress of Jaaxa too, even Prince Oodan himself. They have greater wealth than the House of Viigo.”
    “But not greater renown,” Vaahir promised. “Kaara, if your father will set a price on me owning you I shall find a way to meet it, no matter what it cost me.”
    They spoke for a long time that night, whispering in the darkness like two halves of the same soul united at last. And when dawn threatened, Kaara gave Vaahir one kiss, to take with him on quest, her first kiss.
    But that was long ago, and the dream had since turned dark.

***


    “I don’t see why we have to do menial duties,” complained Samantha Bonnington, the Fashion Accessory. “It’s not like that big squelchy-headed monster didn’t need a transnuclear weapon down its throat.” She looked distastefully at the papaya to be peeled. “We should have people for this kind of thing.”
    Ham-Boy had generated some hamburger steaks for the luau later and was busily watching them chop themselves up for basting. “I guess Hatman did have a point when he critiqued our performance,” admitted Earth’s meatiest hero. “I mean, we did cause a lot of damage, and nearly fried the Legion.”
    “Twas damage to the felon,” Harlagaz clarified, taking his ire out on the stack of firewood that needed chopping. “Twas not the time to tryeth yon social work upon the elder fiend.”
    “Anyway, we’re only getting kitchen duties because Kerry blew up that sunken mall,” objected Hacker Nine. “And Hatman later, with the bonfire I guess.”
    “Hey, I’m the victim here,” Kerry Shepherdson insisted as she sliced bread buns. “I was kidnapped you know. That Petar guy was going to sacrifice me and stuff. I had pent up anger issues.”
    “So unusual for you,” FA noted.
    “We had best hurry and get the food ready,” Glory barked. “It is almost time for the victory celebration.”
    Ham-Boy caught the gist of the mutt of might’s words. “Nah, they’ll be a while yet,” he suggested. “They’ve still got to decide what to do with that Vaahir guy.”

***


    “If we extradite him to Frammistat Eight or Caph Eleven they’ll kill him,” Dancer said. “Simple as that. They might torture him first, but one way or another they’ll kill him.”
    “That’s why we hold extradition hearings,” pointed out Al B. Harper. “The US won’t send back any person who might receive an unfair trial or an unfair punishment.”
    “Where have you been for the last twenty years?” demanded CrazySugarFreakBoy!
    “In my lab,” Al B. admitted.
    “Why should he not be killed?” Liu Xi asked Ebony. “He has committed many crimes, and his actions led to the return of the Fairly Great Old Ones and the death of the Manga Shoggoth. Surely he deserves to die. Or I could turn him into an iron status and leave him to rust here on the shore for many years.”
    “I’m annoyed that he got the Shoggoth killed, and I’m not going to forget being surrounded by Shabba’Dhabba’Dhu any time soon,” Ebony admitted, “but in the end he did team up with the Shoggoth to set things right too. That required a lot of courage. He was willing to give his life to put right his mistakes.”
    “Yeah, and he royally honked off the Lovetoads,” Trickshot pointed out. “That makes him okay in my book.”
    “If we don’t extradite him, won’t we face interplanetary war?” Nats asked.
    “Bring ‘em on,” De Brown Streak declared. “From what we’ve heard, Mumphrey’s nailed them good anyway. They won’t be stepping on our toes any time soon. And has everyone forgotten why Vaahir did this? He’s Robin Hood on his planet, the people’s hero. Isn’t anyone thinking of Kaara? Isn’t anyone just a little bit awed by a love that would shake galaxies?”
    “I’d be more awed if he hadn’t kidnapped Kerry, assaulted Hallie, and threatened the world with nuclear blackmail,” Dancer admitted. “But yeah, he’s actually a step up from most of the guys I date.” She glared across the campfire at Con Johnstantine.
    “We must be taking into account of circumstantiates,” Yo told them. “And to be making sure that what we are doing is to be good for poor cute-Kaara as well as just for poor semi-cute Vaahir. Yo is wondering if Vaahir has to be learning of his lesson.”
    “Lesson or not, Vaahir’s due for a good long stretch of prison time on Earth for what he’s done,” Hatman pointed out. “And that’s assuming he doesn’t get the death penalty for nuclear terrorism right here on Earth.”
    “Can the judicial system prosecute and execute an alien?” Dancer worried.
    “Oh yes,” Hatman advised. “In the same way that if a foreigner commits a crime on sovereign soil that nation’s government can hold him to account and exact punishment as if he was a native.”
    “He should go free,” snorted Trickshot. “Heck, his heart was in th' right place. Let 'im go and make green babies with his chick.”
    CrazySugarFreakBoy! shifted uneasily. “Okay, I acknowledge that Vaahir was, for the most part, trying to do what he believed to be the right thing, and I don’t want to see the guy just rot in a cell if he seems to be expressing genuine penitence over the effects of what he's done, but by the same token I’ll admit right up front that Vaahir's attitudes towards women piss me off a great deal. I think he’s got to pay some penalty for what he did and undergo some serious attitude adjustment. But I’m not exactly going to rush to offer Vaahir a spot on the Globetrotting Gangbusters, either.”
    “Is he penitent?” wondered Al B. Harper.
    “He’s talking now with Lisa,” Dancer replied. “And Visionary.”

***


    “I’m sorry,” said Vaahir. “I am an idiot, like Miiri said.”
    “Miiri said that?” Visionary approved. “She’s a smart girl.”
    “I didn’t understand… anything. I thought you were oppressing Caphan woman like the Lovetoads did, and I reacted accordingly.”
    “You threatened our planet with transnuclear weapons,” Lisa Waltz pointed out.
    “You’ve recovered them all now?” Vaahir had revealed the locations of his stolen Skree ordinance.
    “Well, one got kind of used,” Visionary admitted, “and one turned out to be a dud, but we’ve accounted for all of them now.”
    “Good,” the tenth Caphan declared.
    “You actually used bombs like that on Frammistat Eight though,” Vizh accused.
    “Yes,” Vaahir replied. “I had to teach them not to abuse helpless slaves.”
    “Helpless slaves died in your attack,” Visionary went on remorselessly.
    Vaahir closed his eyes. “Yes,” he agreed. “I thought… I hope the Lovetoads will be more careful how they do business sin the future at least. I hope I hurt them too.”
    “In the wallet, certainly,” agreed Lisa. “For the rest, you’ll have to live with it.”
    “Yes. I have much to live with.” The young Caphan looked up. “Fortunately it will not be for long.”
    “What do you mean?” Vizh demanded.
    Vaahir looked up at him. “Prince Aarmus will certainly find a way to put me to death for my actions against Prince Oodan and his House. Thus will you be avenged for my wrongs against you and your chattels also.”
    The possibly fake man frowned. “My…? Vaahir, we’re not giving you to Aarmus. That would be murder, and we don’t do that. You deserve punishment, a good hard thumping and a spell in the big house sewing mailbags in my opinion. But we won’t hand you over to the Caphans or the Lovetoads.”
    Vaahir looked shocked. “I thought… what vengeance will you have on me then?”
    Lisa smirked at Vizh. “What vengeance do you want, Vizh?” she asked.
    “You zapped Hallie and you nearly got Kerry killed,” Visionary told the Caphan.
    “And he saved Miiri and Kaara and nearly got himself killed,” the first lady of the Lair Legion pointed out. “Besides, I think he’s learned a lesson. Have you learned anything, Vaahir?”
    “I have learned that it is sometimes impossible to reduce the universe to blues and greens,” the tenth Caphan admitted. “And I regret my actions that have imperilled you and yours, and that have cost innocent lives however indirectly. But I make no apology for my vengeance on Aarmus and his kin, or for resisting the Lovetoads. Those things I would do again, and more.”
    He looked up fiercely, and the fire died in his eyes. “I plead one favour,” he continued.
    “What?” Lisa asked bemusedly.
     “Before I am condemned, whatever your will is of me… may I speak with Kaara one last time?”

***


    Kaara woke from her nightmares with a scream, and found Deela holding her. “It’s alright,” the older slave told the sobbing girl. “It’s over.”
    But it wasn’t over. Prince Oodan had wiped Vaahir’s kiss from Kaara’s lips, and now they were stained forever.
    “What happened?” Kaara gulped, clinging to her slave-sister. They were all there gathered around her, Sayaana, Philaana, Noona, Miiri, Odoona, Losiira, and Luuma clustering close to care for her. “I was being attacked by that monster. And then Vaahir… Vaahir? Vaahir!
    “He is alive,” Odoona assured her. “He is with Master Visionary.”
    “He’s alive,” Kaara wept. Another thought burned across her mind. “Does he want me dead?”
    “Why should he want you dead?” Philaana asked her. “Kaara, don’t you know what that man has done to find you and possess you? We have heard from the Probability Dancer and from our Yo-sister what he has undertaken.”
    “No,” moaned Kaara as the others explained what had really happened. “How can I be of worth to him now?”
    “Vaahir has had to learn in short hours what we have discovered but in part over many months,” Miiri advised her. “But the lesson of Earth is this: we set our own value, and others must accept our price or not according to their wisdom.”
    “I’m not a radical like you, Miiri,” Kaara shuddered. “All I ever wanted was to be owned by Vaahir, to be his most favoured and the mother of his sons. That dream was shattered when the House of Taaleen fell. Vaahir was sent to the death-mines of Koorenna, and I… well, you all know of that, sisters, for such has been our fate. And though some of you never gave up in your hearts, when I thought Vaahir dead I was broken. Now nothing can be…”
    “What is broken can be mended,” Sayaana suggested, “by loving hands and diligent care. Let us entertain for a moment the thought that Vaahir is not repelled by what you have become, nor finds you worthless. What if this young man who has made universes quake to find and rescue you still wishes to be your lord? What then, Kaara of Jaaxa?”
    Miiri snorted as Kaara hesitated. “It doesn’t matter anyway,” she declared. “Doubtless the heroes of this world who sit in judgement over Lord Vaahir will condemn him for his crimes and send him to his fate. Lord Visionary loves Kerry and Hallie and will never forgive a slight against them. The eunuch Epitome will demand that Vaahir be harshly punished for his assault upon this planet. Even if Vaahir did seek Kaara he will not be allowed to win her after all his deeds of valour, for at the last he has transgressed against the innocent and that cannot be ignored. He is doomed.”
    “No!” gasped Kaara, struggling up through the woman that surrounded her. “No!”
    “Vaahir has saved so many,” Miiri noted, “but he cannot save you, Kaara. He cannot even save himself now.”
    “No!” shrieked Kaara, and flung herself from the tent.
    Miiri smirked.

***


    “If it’s any help, I could horsewhip him,” Flapjack offered, trying to cheer Hallie up back in the Lair Mansion.
    “Thank you, but no,” the former-artificial-intelligence-turned-human told the hunchbacked butler. “That’s very kind of you to offer, but I think the Legion will find other ways to deal with Vaahir. He may have made me feel vulnerable and stupid in this horrible flesh body, but I’m not looking for revenge, only justice.”
    “You could horsewhip me,” Flapjack suggested hopefully.
    Hallie continued on into Sir Mumphrey’s study.
    “I’ve just checked on the Caphan fleet,” Amazing Guy was telling Mr Epitome and the leader of the Lair Legion. “They’re heading home. I think you frightened them.”
    “Damned right we did,” Mumph snorted. Then he spotted Hallie. “I mean dashed right, what?” he corrected himself.
    “Have we recovered all the Transnuclear Weapons now?” Mr Epitome demanded.
    “Yes,” Hallie reported. “Of the twelve missiles one was used, one was a dud, and the other ten are now in Legion custody.”
    “I’ll make arrangements for the Office of Paranormal Security to collect them into government storage shortly,” Epitome assured her.
    Mumphrey snorted. “’Fraid not,old chap,” he told the exemplary man. “Don’t think it would be a good idea to let any world government get its hands on technology that advanced.”
    Mr Epitome scowled. “You don’t think the Lair Legion will be allowed to keep such ordinance, do you?”
    “Of course not,” Hallie replied. “It’s too powerful to be safely stored anywhere on this planet. Maybe if I still had access to the virtual world… but I don’t. So Finny and DK took them to the Philippines.”
    “The Philippines?” Dominic Clancy repeated. Then the penny dropped. “Bautista! You’re having Jaime Bautista defuse transnuclear weapons?”
    “With the help of a bicycle pump and a used hairdryer, apparently,” Sir Mumphrey added helpfully.
    “Then I’ll be dropping the component parts into the sun,” Amazing Guy added. “Carefully.”
    “But they are a major strategic asset,” Mr Epitome argued. “This is…”
    “Talk to Fin Fang Foom and the Dark knight about their decision,” Mumph suggested. “I’m sure they’ll find your input valuable.”

***


    “He defused them?” the Dark Knight asked in disbelief. “And we’re still breathing?”
    “Don’t underestimate Enty,” Foom advised. “He invented an entirely new way of desensitising transmundium just to take those things apart. Apparently the whole process is applicable to the domestic microwave as well.”
    DK shuddered and changed the subject. “So, what are we going to do with the transnuke we substituted and kept back?” he speculated.

***


    The Lair Legion was surprised when Kaara of Jaaxa broke out of the darkness into the circle of campfire light and hurled herself down at Jay Boaz’s feet. “Master Hatman, I beg you not to harm him! I offer myself in payment of any debt he has incurred. Bid the Shoggoth sell me wherever he wills and use the price to pay for all Vaahir’s debts. I beg it! Please!”
    Con Johnstantine snorted and stubbed his cigarette out on the sand. “Must be great being tactical advisor to the Lair Legion,” he said dryly.
    “Shut up, Con,” said Dancer, pushing his head off her lap roughly and going over to the distraught Caphan. “Kaara, calm down.”
    “If he is to be imprisoned, let me be shut away instead,” Kaara pleaded. “Or seal us up together, so he is not alone. I will take his stripes on the rack, or give my life to save him.”
    “That won’t be necessary,” Hatman assured her, prising her hands from his keecaps. “Look, Vizh and Lisa are talking with Vaahir now, and Yo and the Shoggoth are deciding what to do with him. But it won’t be cruel or lethal, we’ve decided that much.”
    “Cause we trust the government all the way,” added De Brown Streak. “Look man, once he’s in the courtroom the prosecutor can push for the death penalty, for life imprisonment in a maximum security wing, anything. And that’s assuming they don’t take special measures cause he’s an alien.”
    “Yeah. I can see Bad News Herb being real forgiving about this,” snorted Nats.
    “Kaara, you know he’s done wrong, don’t you?” Dancer asked the Caphan girl gently. “You can’t be punished for what he did.”
    “He did it for me,” Kaara said. “I have failed him so much…”
    “Crap,” cut in Trickshot. “Kaara, babe, you wus caught by a prime bastard an’ whut happened wasn’t your fault or your choice. If he made you think it wus, then that wus just another cruel head-game. You got no reason to be ashamed of yourself, and if that Vahir guy don’t see that I’ll kick his ass so hard his lunch’ll come outta his nose.”
    “I don’t understand any of this,” Liu Xi admitted. “Why is it all so complicated?”
    “Welcome to life,” sighed Al B. Harper.
    “Kaara, we’re not going to do anything bad,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! assured the distraught ex-slave. “But boy, I sure wish my mom was here to talk with you. Or Izzy. Or April. Or my Aunt Olivia. Or Fashion Fairy. Or Lesbian Liberator.”
    “Here come Vizh and Lisa,” Hatman observed with relief. “Kaara, they want you to go with them.”

***


    Kaara of Jaaxa had known terror, but not the kind that gripped her when they brought her to the broken pagoda down by the waterfall under the Pangean stars and left her alone with Vaahir of Caph.
    She walked towards him with all the grace she could muster, determined to face her fate whatever it might be. “My… my lord?”
    That look in his eyes was so familiar. She had seen it when he looked on her that first day as she danced.
    She knew then. “My lord!”
    “Kaara!” He rushed forward with a desperate need, and he embraced her as if time and distance had no meaning any more.
    “I’m sorry.” They both spoke together, and looked at the other in surprise.
    “I have failed you, Kaara,” Vaahir confessed. “Worse, I condemned you to your fate. Oodan knew you were dear to me, so your torments were all the worse so he could describe your tears to me.”
    “When I thought you dead I no longer resisted him,” Kaara answered. “I have become so low, a worthless abomination.”
    “Your worth to me is such that I gave no thought to the worth of others. I am become a murderer, and innocent blood is upon my hands.”
    “I have hated you in the dark of the night for dying and leaving me to my fate. They told me you cursed me as you died.”
    “I have made such a mess, Kaara. I was deluded by a false ally and I nearly destroyed the universe. At the last I endangered an innocent child, then brought you into mortal peril again.”
    They stood silently, embracing.
    And then Kaara said, “You came for me. That has to mean something. And you stood over me against Nyalurkhotep and all his hordes.”
    “It would have been easier to die for you than it is to live for you. It would have been a proper ending to our tragedy.”
    “We have been denied our tragic ending, Vaahir.”
    The tenth Caphan considered. “They have not yet told me my fate, but it seems I must endure a long period of servitude and penance rather than be executed as my crimes deserve. I am content. And in their kindness they have let me speak with you one last time.”
    Kaara tilted her chin up defiantly, as she had seen Miiri do. “Is it no longer your wish to own this worthless slave then?”
    “Though your price is an Emir’s ransom I will somehow pay it if it is still your will to be mine,” Vaahir gasped.
    “My price is an Emir’s ransom,” Kaara told him a little defiantly. “I am diminished by the standards of our world… but others believe I have accrued in value in other ways.”
    Vaahir looked closely at the former slave. “I believe you have,” he admitted. He laughed for a moment, despite his dread. “It was your face in my mind that kept me alive in the death-mines, that gave me the strength to heal from my wounds as Petar tended me, that spurred my courage when I led the slaves to escape, that gave force to my arm as I fought Oodan in single combat to the death. But I had feared that when I found you…”
    “I would be less,” Kaara surmised. “Used, debased, marked, scorned, broken. As I am.”
    “I feared that, yes,” Vaahir admitted, “but even if you were I would have claimed you and made you mine, if you yet wanted it. But I do not find you as I feared, or even as I dreamed. I find you… different.”
    “Different,” the girl asked fearfully.
    “As I am different,” Vaahir replied. “Once we were simple: boy and girl, master and slave, hero and heroine. But I died in the mines, and you in Oodan’s captivity, and what came through that is… richer. Deeper. More complex and more subtle. We cannot know now what we hoped for then, but perhaps we can have now what those foolish children never could?”
    “Vaahir, I do not know if I can now be what you want of me.”
    “Nor I you. But I would give anything to find out.”

***


    “So let me get this straight,” said Squibb. “Those children assault me, steal my spacehopper, lie to me about boundless wealth, then drop my spacehopper down the throat of a big sanity-mangling monster… and they are made to peel vegetables.
    “And chop wood,” Visionary pointed out. “We tend not to let Harlagaz near kitchen knives. He gets enthusiastic.”
    “And that’s it? What about compensation? As their keeper you’re responsible, you know.”
    “Teacher, not keeper,” the possibly fake man replied. “Although you might have a point…”
    “About the compensation?” the galactic bounty-hunter’s four arms waved enthusiastically. “That was a top class vessel, you know, state of the art, valued at eleven million kroozons and change.”
    “According to Hacker Nine it was a flying wreck mortgaged to the hilt and in danger of rusting to pieces if anyone looked too hard at it,” reported Vizh.
    “And I still had payments on it,” Squibb sulked. “Lots of them. And serious people with ball-peen hammers are going to come wanting them.”
    “Not to this Lemurian island, they’re not,” Visionary pointed out.
    “Great. Look, I’m a mercenary. I find bad people – well, wanted people – and I catch them. That’s how I make my living. On this island bad people get eaten by a blob of snot. Or else they get a conjugal pagoda with a hot green-skinned chick, apparently. I need to get out of here, and you owe me a spacehopper.”
    “Actually, Vaahir has said you can have the vessel he came in,” Visionary told Squibb. “It’s small, but considerably cleaner than yours. For now.”
    “I always said that boy was maligned,” Squibb replied. “You said the bounty was called off, right?”
    Visionary didn’t mention that Vaahir’s ship was stolen from the Naicluv, or that it seemed infected with Fairly Great Old Ones. Everybody needs a few surprises in their life; especially Squibb.

***


    “Is not to be mattering what of cute-Epitome is to be saying,” Yo told the Lair Legion. “Is to be Vaahir is being captured on Lemuria, which is to be land made up by semi-cute Shoggoth. Is to be semi-cute Shoggoth’s choosing of what is to be happening with Vaahir.”
    Everybody was assembled round the great bonfire up near the Arch. The barbeque was exhausted, and even Harlagaz was sat back with a contented expression on his stomach. Kerry was feeling sleepy and had dropped off with her head on her sister’s lap and Glory curled up on her feet. Squibb had discovered Kathryn’s supply of fermented coconut juice and was feeling no pain; well, not until Kathryn found him.
    The Caphan girls were in a group around Kaara. Vaahir stood off to one side, alone, waiting to hear his fate.
    The Manga Shoggoth’s geloid mass reared up above him, a twenty foot wall of bubbling protoplasm. “I’m ready,” the tenth Caphan told the elder creature. “Speak your verdict.”
    “The Shoggoth really don’t have much interest in most human crimes,” Ebony explained to everyone. “He gets upset by slavery though, and he doesn’t like people waking up elder gods.”
    Liu Xi and Blair Atoll glowered fiercely at Vaahir.
    “On the other hand, Vaahir did make good at the end by spanking Nyalurkhotep and saving Kaara,” Ebony went on.
    “A court should take that into account,” Hatman pointed out.
    It has, the Shoggoth rumbled. Vaahir, you must face the consequences of your actions.    
    Kaara ran out to stand beside him. “Spare him! Take me instead!”
    “No, Kaara,” Vaahir told her. “This is my doom. Stand aside.”
    Vaahir, you must atone for your deeds as best you can, the Shoggoth gurgled. I am sending you to Plxtrazar.
    “To where?” asked Ham-Boy.
    “Little place outside Cheltenham?” suggested Con Johnstantine.
    “It’s that planet we visited in the Transworlds Challenge,” Hatman remembered. “The marketplace where we looked for Oomoozo Spice.”
    “It’s at the rat’s ass end of the galaxy,” slurred Squibb. “The rat’s ass end of the rat’s ass end.”
    “Plxtrazar was devastated by the Imperium Guard,” Dancer remembered.
    Yes, agreed the Shoggoth. That is why I am sending Vaahir there. There are many who are sick and homeless still, clinging in poverty to the scraps of their lives. Victims of powerful beings who must live with the consequences of those beings’ actions long after the beings have moved on. They are weak and helpless, preyed upon by evildoers amongst them, with no voice and no hope.
    Vaahir looked up sharply. “No defender?”
    I am giving them a champion, the Shoggoth replied. “You will live amongst them, the poorest and the most desperate, and you will understand how innocents can suffer. You will tend their sick and bury their dead. You will comfort the living if you can. You will spill your blood for them and you will devote your life to them. Do you accept this penance?
“Yes.”
    Kaara fell to her knees. “Let me go with him!” she pleaded. “Give me to him.”
    No answered the Shoggoth.
    Ebony glanced at the elder being and for a moment they stared at each other.
    But in one Earth year, the Shoggoth concluded, if I am pleased at what Vaahir has done, and what he has learned, we shall speak again. If at that time he seeks the female Kaara as his mate, and she him, I will outline the quests he must achieve to make this possible.
    “Whoa,” grinned CrazySugarFreakBoy! “A sequel!”
    “Is to be good?” Yo checked with Vaahir and Kaara.
     “Yes,” agreed Kaara of Jaaxa. “Very good.”

***


    Most people had settled down after a long and traumatic day, camped out on the beach or sheltering in one of the makeshift (designer) tents Fashion Accessory had created. But Yo was still perkily chatting with Ebony of Nubilia, Lisa, and Sh’Ron when Miiri led a delegation of Caphans over to see them.
    “What is it to be?” the pure thought being asked.
    “Cultural problem,” Miiri told them. “Again.” Losiira and Deeela nodded.
    “We know this is not Caph,” Losiira began, “and your customs are not our customs. But whether he has been cast from his house or no Lord Vaahir is a great lord, and a hero.”
    “And?” prompted Ebony.
    “And in our culture, when a great lord and hero visits a House, he must be made welcome,” Deeela explained. “With all honour and comfort.”
    “What kind of comfort?” Lisa asked slyly.
    “We are trained to render comfort to our lords,” Losiira said proudly. “It is a great honour to go to the bed of a hero who might visit our House. And only good manners.”
    “What we’re getting at,” Miiri explained, “is that on our world where we were pleasure slaves, one of us would be assigned to Lord Vaahir’s needs for the night. It would be our duty and privilege, and his due right and reward.”
    “I thought you were past that slavery stuff, Miiri?” Lisa asked.
    “It’s not me who should be assigned,” the Caphan woman replied with an arch little smile. “But we do have a suggested candidate, and in our culture for now it’s the only way they can ever be together.”
    “Well,” Lisa sighed, “I was willing to take on the job if I had to, in the interests of interplanetary relations. But I guess Kaara and Vaahir have some issues they better work out.”
    “I leave it entirely to you women of Caph to decide how your countryman should be appropriately cared for,” Ebony answered delicately.
    “As you command, mistress” answered Miiri with a bow.

***


    Old instinct warned Vaahir when somebody brushed aside the flap of his tent, and his hand reached out for his ceremonial sword with one quick fluid motion. But he stopped as he heard Kaara gasp, and he fumbled for the lamp.
    Kaara of Jaaxa was bedecked in sheer golden robes, her hair laced with wild flowers and tied in complicated patterns over her shoulders and breasts. Her sisters had oiled her and groomed her so she glistened in the lamplight, and she smelled of wild thyme and orangeblossom.
    “Lord Vaahir,” she said in a voice that was huskier than she had intended, “I am sent to bid you welcome to the House of the Shoggoth, and to offer hospitality and comfort to a valued guest.”
    “Lady Kaara,” the tenth Caphan answered, through a throat suddenly tight, “I… Oh Kaara, what are you doing?”
    The girl blinked. “What do you mean? I was sent to you. I’m yours.”
    Vaahir shook his head. “No. Not like this. I will not have you loaned to me for my use. I will not do as others… Kaara, are you crying?”
    “No, my lord,” lied the girl. “As my lord wishes. I shall go.”
    Vaahir caught her arm as she turned to flee. “Kaara, what’s going on? I didn’t mean…”
    “I lost your kiss,” she told him. “You kissed me once, and it was a promise, and it was a dream. And Prince Oodan took it from me. I let him take it. I don’t have it now.”
    “Ahh.” And at last Vaahir understood. “But my lady Kaara, that kiss was shared. You may have lost your part of it through misfortune and malice, but I have always treasured mine. I carry it now on my lips and in my soul. And now I share it with you again.”
    Then he pulled Kaara down onto the pile of cushions and he kissed her.
    The fire that sparked between them surprised them both; and suddenly no rules of any society mattered, and no past, and no future. Ownership meant nothing, custom was meaningless, and there was no room for old hurts or old regrets, or for anything but the yearning of the moment.
    “My Kaara.”
    “My Vaahir.”
    And that was the last either of them needed to speak that night.

***


    Miiri of Earth waited near enough to the tent to be certain that things were going to proceed as they were supposed to, and then she slipped away.
    Visionary was on the beach, the wind ruffling his yellow topcoat. Miiri went down to join him and held his hand.
     “What?” the possibly fake man asked as she leaned her head on his shoulder.
     “Nothing,” Miiri answered. “It’s a lovely night.”

***


Follow Ups:

An Editorial -- Hanging's Too Good for Him; How About Mutilation? by JJJ

Untold Tales #208.1: Untold Tales of the Tenth Caphan Part Sixteen and One Half - No Such Thing As Too Much Anime by AnimeJason

Untold Tie-Ins of the Junior Lair Legion - "Debriefing" by Hatman


Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2005 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2005 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved.





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