Posted by Finny on April 15, 2001 at 18:23:04:
Sigma.net/Parodyverse Comics
Alvaro Presents...Baron Zemo's Lair
In
Adventures in the BZL #371
"The Fall"
"Kill him, Jarvis--or else Lisa dies!"
Jarvis stood surrounded by disgruntled Valiant fans, who had been retconned into their current mindless state by Erik The Red--not Cyclops, the alien, or Magneto--a new villain was using Erik's crimson helmet as a way to keep his identity secret. The Valiant fans, their already angered emotions forced to a new level, foamed at the mouth and writhed in pain as they prepared to assault Jarvis. Jarvis' Jarvis-Cosmic pulsated in his fists, as Baron Zemo lay unconscious before him. Zemo and Jarvis had been forced to battle, and now Erik took enjoyment from seeing Jarvis in a moral quandry.
Lisa, however, had temporarily lost the "Shulkie" powers she'd gained from the Ripoff Ray (don't tell me you missed The Mighty AMB: The Saga #539 a few months back). "Forget me, Jarv--just save my children!" she shouted, referring to her running-joke offspring.
"No way, Lisa!" Jarvis cried. His Jarvis-Cosmic seized Erik's adamantium razor-glove, and thrust it aside. Lisa's indestructible briefcase did the rest, as Erik sung like a soprano and made a note to himself to put armor around his groin next time.
The Valiant fans charged them, and Jarvis and Lisa fought back-to-back once again, their feelings for each other flaring (just like last time, in the "AWML Attacks" crossover in the sigma.net annuals last month! It was just two days ago in comic time, tho).
Badly outnumbered, they managed to hold their own, but it was a losing battle--the Valiant fans had a zombie-like toughness, and nothing seemed to stop them. Zemo soon awoke, and did a "one-move-takes-out-fifty-guys" Captain America-ish move. That bought the Deliberate Duo some time, and Jarvis enveloped them in a Jarvis-Cosmic bubble, and they flew away. "This is worse than the "Siege of the AMB!" said Jarvis (referring to the now-classic story from The League of Regulars #271-276).
The Valiant fans followed as Jarvis, Zemo, and Lisa flew from the BZL to the sigma.net building, which Zemo's lair was hidden under. Months ago, they'd decided to keep Zemo closer to the LoR, and allowed him to build his hideout in the basement which had housed the Golden Age version of the LoR, namely the Allied Agents! However, they didn't make it--a falling fleet of Valiant fans foced them down, and they faced certain death--if not for a last-minute save by Marksman!
Marksman's new projectile-firing sniper rifle blasted out a holographic decoy of Jim Shooter, and the Valiant fans hit it--only to find a vibranium explosive device inside. CHOOOOOOOM!!!!! They weren't dead, but they weren't conscious either.
"Marksman--what are you doing down here near the BZL?" Lisa asked.
"After Alvaro and I defeated the Ideaslayer, Bobbie Fett-Chase had a psychic vision of you facing death, so I raced off to help you!" (in Sigma.net Team-up #49, a series which features Alvaro and a different hero every month!).
"Bah--I could've handled it!" said Zemo, who disappeared into the shadows. "What they don't know is that I know Erik The Red's true identity--information which will be extremely useful after I seize control of the comicbookresources.com mainframe!" thought Zemo.
A sigma.net security team took the Valiant fans into custody, and the threesome headed into the AMB wing of the building. NTU-150 and Starseed were trying to change the water in Banjooo's aquarium, and having difficult time. "Hey, why are you guys changing the water early? We don't need to for a few days yet." commented Marksman.
"Because those Superboy Message Board guys--our upstairs neighbors--are time-traveling to see the Kid go on a date with Triad of the Legion of Superheroes again, and it shorted the electricity--thus making Banjooo's water really cold," said Starseed, "Where's your bow and arrows, Marksman?"
"The Ideaslayer--Claremont--destroyed them after I cut the power cables for his Cosmic Cube-creating device."
"Ah. Didja capture him, or is he still out there?" asked NTU-150.
"Nope--he's out there, and now this new Erik The Red is, too." said Marksman.
"Hey, what's this about the Legion? Is Kinetix here? She's my fav'rit!" said Fin Fang Foom, who had just got back from eating the GAHHHHH! League-provided morning doughnuts.
"You stay away from her!" said Jarvis, "We don't want you trying to use your shapeshifting powers to repopulate a planet with her again! (in the landmark sigma.net/DC crossover Beware the Bride mini-series)"
"Well, y'know, I read Martian Manhunter One Million, and she was--"
"I don't want to hear it!" said Lisa, "We all agreed that 2099 is better than Legion, so no more talking about them!"
"You got it." said Banjooo, who was now crawling back into his giant aquarium. "Where'd spiffy and DK go?"
"They went off to get the issues of Alan Moore's Image books before Wildstorm falls to DC, in case he quits (in The Day The Sky Fell one-shot). That's why everything's so dark out there."
Glancing out the window, they saw dark clouds circle the sigma.net building--probably the ongoing battle, but they really didn't care. They would have, however, if they'd have seen a solitary figure fall from the heavens--a certain Laughout Loud Lobdell! Now working for Wildstorm, the battle had dislodged him from his undeserved lofty perch. After being struck alongside Lisa with the Ripoff Ray, Lobdell mimicked Paste Pot Pete--only now, he had undergone a metamorphosis--PPP had become Trapster, and LLL became Lobster! Cackling in his new form, he declared revenge on Banjooo--who had ducked out of the way when Lobdell tried to push him in front of the Ripoff Ray, and Lobdell tripped over him, and was zapped into a PPP-wanna-be. "Banjooo and Lisa will both pay--as will those accursed AMBers!" He skittered off into the darkened alleys of the ever-unnamed city which housed the Sigma.net building.
DK and spiffy soon returned, carrying adamantium umbrellas so the falling Gen 13 comics wouldn't hurt them. Fortunately, the comics were light in plot, so the umbrellas weren't needed. Visionary and Cheryl came in search of the free doughnuts provided by the GAHHHH! League, but found none--NTU-150 had created a doughnut-powered elevator for the Sigma.net building, and exhausted the food supply in the process. Cheryl unleashed her wrath, while giggling about something unknown to the rest of the AMBers.
DK's keen detective skills noticed this, and he tried to ask Finny if he noticed her odd behavior as well. However, Finny was enrapt by Kinetix' presence in the next floor up, and prepared to pull his famous *flies away* move.
Then, the whole building shook--the confrontation the AMBers had feared for so long had finally happened. The Byrne-bashing guys from the Hulk message board had encountered the Byrne-defending guys from the Spider-Man message board. The guys from the XMB, on both sides of the fence, jumped in as well.
"Good Nightman!" shouted Finny.
"Great Zot!" shouted DK.
"Get it yourself!" shouted Jarvis.
"CENSORED" shouted Lisa.
"Please, let me watch football!" shouted Visionary.
The Shaper of Worlds (formerly TMWWT, who changed his name to SoW and back to TMWWT in his short-lived early 90's sigma.net series during the expansion) held the battle in check. The AMBers entered the fray, and managed to slow down the conflict, only to be waysided by a legion of rabid comicbookresources.com posters!
"Hey, where's M.O.B.?" wondered Jarvis, who knew his archenemy normally wouldn't miss a fight like this.
Then, a new figure entered--and everyone on the batlefield stopped. They stood nervously, fearing the newcomer's wrath--for he was the Grim Reaper!!
"I leave for five seconds to check the AWML board (who could forget Grim Reaper: The Series #9) and this happens!?!" he shouted, and then tore apart the combatants with his energy scythe. Separated, they calmed down, and ran away like whippped pups. "That should stop them for now--but this is just a prelude to even more action--soon, this debate will rage out of control completely!"
The AMBers nodded solemnly, and 'Dox and Vision showed up--late, as usual. "What happened?" asked Vision, who was never around the same time Tomas was, oddly enough. "Sorry it took us so long--we were too busy fighting off a horde of moneymaking-scam posters (along with Tobin Kennedy, in Moderator Showcase #142!).
Armies of Ultron janitors cleaned up the mess, janitors which had been provided by Wonderman. "Sure was nice of Wondy to give us these--say, I wonder if he'll flip his lid like Pym did and turn the Ultrons against us...nah!" said 'Dox, who held back the still-obsessed-with-Kinetix Finny.
Then, it happened--a time gate opened, and Jammortus stepped out! He had Cheryl's foster kid Millenium Bug (distant cousin of Ambush Bug, created by the Ripoff Ray in Visionary & Cheryl: Terror in the ER Christmas special)! "Now, I shall destroy this child and get my revenge on the AMB and Keith Giffin League!!
"Hey, I forgot about that--the KGL fought off Jammortus when the world thought that we were all dead (in *shudder* Posters Reborn--or did we retcon that?)!"
"Gimme back my kid!" said Cheryl, seconds before she backhanded him into oblivion (hey, didn't I use that line in My Pet Crocodile?). MB *POP*-ed all over, getting away from the Time Tyrant. DK delivered a well-placed reverse flying spin kick to Jammortus' jaw, and he fell--only to disrupt his time gate in the process!
Soon, a time-displaced Warren Ellis (last seen in Tales of the MUB #409) exited the time gate, covered in soaking wet pages of his script for the now-cancelled "End Times", and bent on destruction--the destruction of a man named Bob Harras!
"Do we stop him, or help him?" asked spiffy, who knew well that while Harras may deserve it, the Avengers could fall into the hands of an even more evil Editor in Chief.
Ellis headed for Harras, who was trying to scrounge up writers from Wildstorm and DC who weren't happy with the deal. Lobster saw him, and followed. The AMBers--along with a resurfaced Zemo--headed into the explosion-strewn cloud city of Wildstorm, as a decision which could affect the fate of the Avengers weighed heavily on their shoulders...
NEXT:
ERIK THE RED MAKES HIS MOVE!
ELLIS STRIKES!
LISA'S POWERS RETURN...OR DO THEY?
THE CONCLUSION TO THE WILDSTORM PLOTLINE!
LOBSTER STEALS THE RIPOFF RAY--BUT WHY?
Fin Fang Foom
*flies away*