TITLE: Reprint of "The Return of spiffy"

AUTHOR: spiffy

DATE: Monday, 02-Nov-98 00:01:13


 

It was one of those days where nothing was happening. Nothing at all.

Baron Zemo and the LoLO weren’t attacking. Japan’s invasion was over. Even the zombies were quietly resting in their graves. So, the LoR was entertaining itself in any way it could.

 

Lisa: For a man that’s never there, you sure know your cool whip.

TMWWT: Mmm... cool whip...

FFF: All righty... Methinks I’ve heard enough. Gotta go terrorize some village... somewhere... time to *flies away.*

DK: Huh? Anyways, Jarvis. What was that experiment you were talking about?

Jarvis: Well, you know how when one’s under extreme mental stress, they go to the Happy Place?

DK: Yeah, everyone knows that. What’s your point?

Jarvis: Well... what happens if something stressful occurs INSIDE the Happy Place?

DK: Ah... I never thought of that... is that even possible? The Happy Place has all those bunnies...

Jarvis: I have a solution for that. Oh, Lisa? Could you come over here?

Lisa: Sure... I like butlers. Cool whip...

Jarvis: Yup, that’s cool whip all right. And it’s on my arm... it’s not time for that, now, Lisa... Now, think of a place without sex.

Lisa: What? No... no... nononononononono... curls up in fetal position, chanting "I’m in my happy place, I’m in my happy place..."

DK: What, you mean someone has to go into the Happy Place while she’s there? Good luck. No one’s THAT dumb...

Jarvis: DK, think of a place where you’re alone, without all your special gadgets.

DK: What... no... no... NONONONONONONONO!!! *also curls up and goes to Happy Place*

DK: Well, here I am. And no sign of Lisa. Might as well relax...

 

The Dark Knight lay down on a bed of flowers, and watched the bunnies hop by. It was so relaxing there. He didn’t even need those Life Model Decoys that he always seemed to be completely reliant on. Nothing could destroy his serenity. Nothing, but...

 

Lisa: Oooh, there you are, honey. I think it’s about time you had the Lisa Experience, don’t you? I mean, all of your stand-ins and decoys have already...

DK: What? This isn’t possible... I don’t have an imposter... no decoys... I’m helpless... she’s going to... engage in sexual relations with me! Noooo!!!!

 

With that, the first stress ever experienced in the Happy Place occured. The Dark Knight felt a mind-numbing pain shoot through his body, and his head was ripped into a thousand pieces, pierced by red-hot needles. Finally, he lost consciousness.

When he finally awoke, he found himself thinking that his nightmare had never ended. He was surrounded by a dark terrain, evil looking trees and fences, lightning, and all sorts of... bad things. And there was one other thing. A... person. The Knight focused his eyes and saw...

 

DK: spiffy?!? Get away from me! I may not have my weapons, but I can still defeat you!

spiffy: Pardon? You’re... the Dark Knight, right? I think we met briefly.

DK: What are you talking about? I warn you, take me back to the Parodyverse, or you’ll regret it. I’ll foil any evil scheme of yours!

spiffy: Uh... Knight? I’m a card-carrying member of the LoR. One of the good guys?

DK: Yeah, you tried that once, traitor. Almost worked, too, until you tried to destroy us. One last chance, send me back!

spiffy: No, I really don’t know what you’re talking about. The last thing I remember from the Parodyverse is that battle between us and the LoLO. FFF stepped on me and Lisa, and we were transported here. She was such a nice girl...

DK: Wait... I remember that battle... but you two just appeared again right after that!

spiffy: That wasn’t me. I don’t know who it was, but it wasn’t me. We were transported to the Happy Place, because... well... that was quite a bit of stress. I knew that we would be needed back in the battle, so I concentrated with all my might to get us back there. The next thing I knew, I was here. And Lisa was gone. Whatever happened to her?

DK: She’s... well... a sex-driven maniac, mainly.

spiffy: What? Things have changed...

DK: Where are we, anyways?

spiffy: Well, I call it... the Not-So-Happy-Place. I thought it was... fitting.

DK: I guess it is... how do we get home?

spiffy: That’s the problem. But now that you’re here, we may have a chance. Come with me.

 

The duo walked for miles and miles, and on the way, the Knight filled spiffy in on what had happened during his absence. spiffy was shocked at the changes. They finally reached their destination.

 

DK: A bubble bath? We have to take a bubble bath?

spiffy: Pretty much, yeah.

DK: So why didn’t you come back a long time ago?

spiffy: The thing is, you kinda have to take the bath... with someone.

DK: WHAT?? How do you know?

spiffy: It says on the sign. *gestures to the sign hanging over the bathtub*

DK: Oh. Well... I guess we have no choice. Just... can we not mention this to anyone? Ever?

spiffy: Fine by me. I suppose we should get this over with...

 

The two hesitantly entered the tub. Nothing happened. Shrugging, spiffy began playing with the rubber ducky. DK just sighed. They waited. And waited. And waited a little bit more... and suddenly, just like that, they were back at the LoR headquarters.

 

Jarvis: DK! Finally! What took you so... OH MY GOD! spiffy’s here, everyone! LoR assemble!

 

Nothing happens.

 

Jarvis: Oh good Lord... they all left! DK and I can defeat you on our own, spiffy! Bring it on, whatever your scheme!

spiffy: Man, I really left an impression on you guys...

DK: Jarvis, this isn’t evil spiffy. This is, well... the real spiffy. He’s been trapped in the Not-So-Happy-Place since our first encounter with the LoLO.

 

DK explained to the perplexed butler exactly what was going on, leaving out the bathing ritual.

 

Jarvis: So how exactly did you get home?

DK: We... uh... thought... happy... thoughts... that’s right...

spiffy: Listen to the Knight. We thought happy thoughts. Nothing else happened.

Jarvis: Then why didn’t you just come back earlier, spiffy?

spiffy: It just wouldn't work! No more questions!

Jarvis: Okay, geez, sorry... But there is one more thing... who exactly was evil spiffy?

spiffy: Um... I don't... kinda.. have any idea. Sorry.

Jarvis: We'll discuss this later, I guess... Well, I suppose we should introduce you to everyone else...

 


Epilogue:

 

Lisa: Hello? Anyone? I don’t know how to get out of the Happy Place... guys? Help?

 

So… recap of the evil spiffy thing. Fight, go to Not-So-Happy Place, evil spiffy appears, betrays LoR, supposedly steals JarvisCosmic, takes Cosmic Cube and unnamed object from DarkCave, takes over France, is killed by Dark, Mysterious Figure. Yay.

 

 

1