Posted by The Hooded Hood presents this intermediary appendix of some of the nastiest names in the Parodyverse, coming soon to an adventure not only near to you but too close for comfort on May 22, 2001 at 10:40:06:
#75: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion Who’s Who Special Edition: The New Purveyors of Peril
Assembled by the cowled crime-czar known as the Hooded Hood, this assembly of major villains seeks the downfall of all that is good and the destruction of the Parodyverse’s heroes. They are not nice. Their line-up includes:
VelcroVixen (Field Leader) Real Name: Vicki Vee The appalling Appendage Man Real Name: Milton Freebish Real Name: Kylytta Bloodwyrm Occupation: Horrible monster, once trapped beneath the sea in that spurious Atlantis knock-off that Banjooooo rules over. Real Name: Brendan McGillicuddy Real Name: Even he's forgotten Real Name: Morton (Mort) Mason Real Name: Gwendolyn "Wendy" Leslie, Stage Name: Cinnamon Rain. Everyone, including CSFB!, thinks that "Cinnamon Rain" is PAPG!’s secret identity; only Mr. Book knows that Wendy Leslie is really PAPG!, or that she and Cinnamon rain are the same person Real Name: Kelsey (Bad) Grammar Real Name: Eugene Tuppett Real Name: Rox Hoff. This is widely suspected to be Skree for "total dick-head" Real Name: Gamona Real Name: Onslaughter Real Name: The E’Ros Swarm Real Name: He doesn’t remember. They carved his memory from him, the bastards. He has a lot of confusing flashbacks though. Real Name: Col. Buzz Codin Real Name: Mindy Kovskoski Real Name: Bambi Bacall The Voodoo Vicar Real Name: Josiah M’Tuba Real Name: Unknown Real Name: Polypheme De Brown Streak Real Name: Joshua John Clement And the Hood’s notes: DBS has since become a wanted mutant freedom-fighter and is currently on SPUD’s Ten Most Wanted list. Real Name: Jeremy Wick And the Hood’s notes: Professor Sterr has since been revealed to be a member of the millionaire Heckfire Club and secretly one of the extradimensional predators known as the Hero Feeders. DB takes time to reform after an explosion proportional to the size of the blast, and is gradually learning to direct the force of his detonations in particular directions. He is able to detonate just parts of his anatomy. Real name: Unknown And the Hood notes: It is now apparent that Steve is the Devil’s Instrument.. Ever since Chronic got it his already-bad life has got worse. Along with the considerable sonic powers of the guitar comes the curse, a compulsion to destroy all those who are servants of the gods - like Troia, and if he ever meets her, perhaps Cobra. I'd assume that the guitar's effects are especially powerful against supernatural and I haven't written the guitar as sentient like Knifey, but it has an intellect. It can put ideas into Chronic's head, little whispers that can sometimes be compulsions. But Chronic isn't as weak as the guitar would I don't know how Joe pictures his character but when I write him I kind of have a cross between River Phoenix and James Dean in my head. I try and drag in as many motifs from 70's and 80's era rock and roll as I can, from leather duster coats to black roses and there's Meatloaf playing somewhere in the back of my mind. Next issue in Untold Tales of the Lair Legion World Tour: As previously advertise we return to the plight of Sarah Shepherdson and Joe Pepper, two entirely-un-superpowered people in deep, deep trouble. We also consider the incredibly deep trouble Finny and Ziles are in, and the inconceivably deep trouble DK and AG face on the Celestian dissection tables. Oh, and guess what Lisette, Chronic, Dynamite Boy, and De Brown Streak are in? be here is a few short days for “Market Forces, or Shanghaied to Marrakesh
Occupation: Fetishwear Mode;
Identity: Formerly publicly revealed (in that embarrassing incident with Jarvis, the dissolving costume, and the Tupperware convention); then forgotten due to the retconning of the Hooded Hood, and recently publicly revealed again.
Legal Status: Citizen of the US with a massive and only partially retconned-away list of convictions for theft, extortion, animal molestations, and presidential fellatio.
Known Relatives: Monica Lewinsky
Group Affiliation: Now main hormonal selling point and deputy-leader of the Purveyors of Peril; previously second-in-command to Count Fokker, the Devil Doctor, and a massive number of other villains with normal heterosexual urges.
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island, or a penthouse that doesn’t belong to her somewhere on the West Coast
First Appearance: Tales to Admonish #122
History: No way is this stuff gonna get printed on a nice family board like this. Uh-uh! And certainly not all that stuff with the dwarves and the ben-gay lotion. Just make it up for yourselves. Let’s just say she was once Jarv’s favourite villainess, and now she’s looking for another cool stud-muffin to have a strange good guy bad girl sexual attraction for.
Height: Michelle Pfeiffer
Weight: Victoria Principal
Eyes: Kim Basinger
Hair: Jane Seymour
Strength Level: She can out-wrestle Jarvis three times out of four.
Known Superhuman Powers: None. She’s just real agile, real good with pointy things, real clever at unlocking things, real ruthless at manipulating people, and real stylish in being able to put up sales of magazines when she appears on the cover in bondage.
Occupation: Former rubber appliance manufacturer, now full time psychotic serial killer
Identity: Nobody has stayed alive long enough to find out his origin but it has something to do with the genetic manipulation experiments of the Devil Doctor.
Legal Status: Criminally insane; he ate the judge at his first trial
Place of Birth: Hell, Nebraska
Marital Status: He's after your wife.
Known Relatives: All eaten
Group Affiliation: the Purveyors of Peril. Until he eats them.
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum, Stroker's Island; specifically the septic tank
First Appearance: Fin Fang Foom Special Edition #3 (fold-out foil cover version)
History: After a terrible accident with a condom machine and a radioactive isotope, mild-mannered Milton Freebish rampaged across the world as the insane Appendage Man. Foom eventually faced down the villain in an eat-or-be-eaten showdown, as recapped in "The Hooded Hood and the Purveyors of Peril" (see the Hooded Hood’s Homepage of Doom). Appendage Man has also got a special grudge against Cobra. His personal hero is Hannibal Lektor.
Height: Variable
Weight: Variable
Eyes: Variable in colour and number
Hair: Variable, look, haven't you got the idea yet that this guy is constantly shifting shapes and growing new and ever more bizarre appendages?
Strength Level: Variable
Known Superhuman Powers: Able to shift size and shape and to form a range of increasingly obscene limbs and, uh, bits. Foomy really had to watch his back in this fight.
Huntingjustice Deathmarrow
Occupation: Freelance mercenary and cookie-cutter tough chick
Identity: Nobody can believe she’s really called Kylytta Bloodwyrm
Legal Status: Wanted in several small countries nobody has ever heard of; recently escaped from the Safe
Known Relatives: Nobody will admit it
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril; formerly part of Dark Thugos’ Army of Galactic Conquest
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island
First Appearance: Untold Tales #30
History: HuntingJustice Deathmarrow started out as a bad joke in a PVB message thread. She then attempted to join the Lair Legion, but after being passed over in preference of Trickshot she went on to her true destiny as a psycho-bad bloodsoaked slasher chick villain.
Height: 6.0"
Weight: 230lbs
Eyes: Yellow
Hair: Red
Strength Level: Superhumanly strong enough to rip limbs off people and hit them with the wet end.
Known Superhuman Powers: Apart from having the usual super-strength, near-invulnerability, healing factor etc, Huntinjustice Deathmarrow also has an unlimited supply of razor-toothed cutting weapons despite having nowhere to carry them in her costume (except the thigh pouches) and impossibly vast laser cannons. She is immune to all common sense, and her breasts are immune to gravity.
Gromm, The Living Flatulence
Legal Status: Well, he does actually have the mineral wealth rights to that same spurious knock-off.
Other Current Aliases: What the hell is that smell? Was that you?
Marital Status: Married to the lovely Aroma
Known Relatives: My Uncle Max
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril; formerly a member of the Five Sensory Overloads (along with Audiocassette, Vindaloo, Camay-Girl, and Benneton Jumper)
Base of Operations: Wherever the smells are thickest
First Appearance: Weird Water Tales #45
History: When Banjooooo set out to find what had died under his throne room he never expected to release the terrible elemental force of smell now known as the Living Flatulence. Alone and as part of the Sensory overloads, Gromm has added his distinctive flavour to the colourful adventures of the King of the Sea Monkeys. In fact, he is the reason that Sea Monkey's actually have no noses (as a genetically bred race created by the Abhumans to guard the prison of the terrible Living Flatulence). Of course, Banjooooo won't remember any of this retconned stuff until it's all too late.
Height: Smells with height? Gimme a break!
Strength Level: Pretty powerful, somewhere between gorgonzola and a Grateful Dead open air concert public toilet.
Known Superhuman Powers: He's a huge smell. He gasses people. He's caustic. He makes your eyes burn. Don't light up cigarettes anywhere nearby if you value your eyebrows.
Anvil Man
Occupation: Terrorist; formerly demolitions expert
Identity: Not known to the public (or anyone), since nobody can get him out of that damned armour he wears.
Legal Status: Wanted criminal recently escaped from the Safe.
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island
First Appearance: Long, long ago, so far back that it was before anybody archived this stuff.
History: Anvil Man is best known for beating Donar senseless (again).
Height: 7’ in his rusty orange-brown armour
Weight: 1.5 tons
Eyes: Can’t see for that armour and the indestructibility aura around it.
Hair: Who knows?
Strength Level: Very strong indeed, up there in the Donar class, verging on Yurt-strong.
Known Superhuman Powers: Anvil Man’s indestructible armour means he is very hard to stop, and gives him massive strength and endurance. He does not need to breathe or eat, and if he has to go to the toilet nobody talks about it since the armour doesn’t come off. However, Anvil Man’s most dangerous power is the ability to make inanimate objects explode by looking at them. He can launch grenades and other missiles from his body or simply cause things to explode by concentrating on them for a short while.
Indigo Impostor
Identity: Anyone he decides to be at the moment.
Legal Status: Doesn't exist
Other Current Aliases: There’s too many to list, and I’m hardly likely to give away major plot points in a resumé, am I?
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum or anywhere he likes since nobody realises he’s not the person who’s supposed to live there.
First Appearance: Tales to Admonish #102
History: The Indigo Imposter, long-time adversary of the Dark Knight, was retconned out of continuity by the Hooded Hood so as to really, really surprise the Dark Knight. "Detect that, suckah", as the I.I. said. The two first met in that big factory full of giant playing cards during the Dark Knight's now forgotten camp era, when he and Knight Boy escaped the Imposter by using their Anti-Imposter Sprays from their Utility Socks. But the Imposter came into his own during the grim and gritty "Insane Justice of the Dark Knight" limited series, where the DK beat the crap out of him eleven times in three issues just for crossing the street against a red light. The Impostor died before but the Hood brought him back (although allowing II to retain all his memories of dying, of course).
Height: Same as you
Weight: Same as you
Eyes: Same as you
Hair: Same as you
Strength Level: Same as you. Spot a pattern here?
Known Superhuman Powers: The Imposter can take on the form and powers of anyone or anything that isn't coloured yellow. Whilst working with the Hooded Hood he seems to have additionally gained the ability to not be noticed whatever he does. That's why he could once happily live in the LAir Fortress, eat their food, swap around their videotapes, try on Lisa's underwear, whatever he likes, and nobody's going to ever suspect him.
Professor Manyarms
Occupation: Formerly a nuclear scientist, currently a criminal mastermind.
Identity: Generally known by the public
Legal Status: American citizen with a criminal record, recently escaped from the Safe
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril, Cartel of Higher Crimelords
Base of Operations: Paradopolis
First Appearance: The Semi-Amazing Goldeneyed #10
History: Originally of the "Earth-2" planet that was then home to Arachknight City, Mort Mason was a brilliant Nuclear Scientist, but his impatience lead directly to a late-night explosion in his lab. When he awoke in the hospital, he discovered the blast had given him two extra arms, enhanced strength, and a generous bit of insanity.
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 210 lbs.
Eyes: Black
Hair: Brown (shoulder-length and scraggly, with a beard)
Strength Level: Is able to lift approx. 10 tons when using all four arms.
Known Superhuman Powers: Manyarms has, unsurprisingly, four extendible arms possessed of incredible strength, speed, and durability. They seem to have some kind of gravitic control as well, since they can heave heavy objects about without Manyarms just falling on his face due to the leverage.
PsychoAcidPervGal!
Occupation: As Wendy, student at Hestia Hall girls’ college; as Cinnamon, leader of the "Wicked Pixies" all-girl street gang and front woman for the gothic/punk band "Seduction of the Innocent."
Identity: Known in this continuity strand only to Dreamcatcher Foxglove (CrazySugarFreakBoy!) and his mother Meggan Foxxx, and to her teammates in the Purveyors of Peril
Legal Status: A minor, so watch yourself. As PAPG! she’s also a wanted criminal who has, thus far, evaded all attempts to arrest or imprison her, or to prove in court that she is also Cinnamon Rain.
Known Relatives: She’s CrazySugarFreakBoy's sister. So why is she so hot for him? That's sick! She’s related to everybody Dreamcatcher Foxglove is, and to her abusive adopted older brother Wade Leslie
Group Affiliation: The Wicked Pixies, Extensive Enterprises, the Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Hestia House, Seattle
First Appearance: Destruction of CrazySugarFreakBoy! Graphic Novel (now retconned - real shame, brilliant Neil Adams artwork, man, and it's all gone now!)
History: Adopted after Meggan Foxxx could not afford to raise her, Wendy’s apparently stable new adoptive middle-class family harboured her abusive older brother Wade, PAPG! was born from extensive reading of early 90’s comics. Having discovered her true brother she secretly sought him out and was present at the origin which also gave CrazySugarFreakBoy! his powers.
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 110lbs
Eyes: Dimetapp grape purple and unfocused
Hair: Nyquil cherry red; these are the same shades as her Silly Suit
Skin (when wearing Impossibilityium Silly Suit): Pepto-Bismol bubble gum pink
Strength Level: Proportional to the strength of the junk she's on.
Known Superhuman Powers: Pretty much like CrazySugarFreakBoy's, amplified by that strange supersuit but powered by all kinds of nasty, illegal substances that all you kiddies gotta Just Say No, To, alright. Remember, don't try this at home. She is also dangerous with drugs and chemicals.
Much more on PAPG! from the pen of CSFB! himself
Hellfrasier
Occupation: Star of the hit show "Hellfraiser", tortures anyone that can actually beat those rubix cube toys.
Identity: Hellfraisier’s true identity is not known to the public since he was entirely made up by Space Ghost
Legal Status: No criminal record seeing as how he's a demon. Not wanted for any crimes in this version of the Parodyverse. In Space Ghost’s bit, who can say?
Known Relatives: There’s a wimpy brother HellNiles floating around there somewhere. Not that I have any info on him, but just saying. I think he was HellFraiser's loyal servant or something...
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril; formerly a flunky of Baron Zemo
Base of Operations: HellBC. (Television network)
First Appearance: Inside Space Ghost’s head; then Bizzaro-Cheryl #1.
History: He's a clone of Kelsey Grammer and the devil. Pretty much he's just Kelsey Grammer with those pins all in his head ala Pinhead from the Hellraiser films. Hellfrasier appeared in several of Space Ghost’s stories before making his way into the wider Parodyverse. Since then he has relentlessly terrorised wine-tastings, operatic events, and yuppie coffee bars.
Height, Weight, Eyes: See Kelsey Grammar data
Hair: Balding, with needles sticking out
Strength Level: He's not really the punch and kick type. But, he is partially the devil so I doubt he needs it. But, if push comes to shove, he could probably raise hell.
Known Superhuman Powers: Hellfrasier is a demonic version of a well known radio psychiatrist, with mind-warping and reality-warping abilities which make him a formidable opponent even for heroes who are usually comfortable with alternate realities such as Space Ghost. Basically he can do whatever Pinhead could do in the Helllraiser films.
Headcase
Occupation: Purveyor of fine gentlemen's headwear for the discriminating gentleman
Identity: Secret; he creeps out at night to become the evil nemesis of bareheaded cultureless crass cretins
Legal Status: Resident of Paradopolis, and the only one who misses New Parody City
Known Relatives: An aunt in Minnesota and a great-aunt in Hell, Nebraska
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Mr Tuppet's Headwear Emporium, tasteful cranial coverings for the discerning
First Appearance: Hatman Dollar Comics #7, back-up feature, "Headcase's Horror Yarns"
History: Enraged that the titfer was going out of fashion, Eugene Tuppett started out as your basic psychotic serial-killer, stalking and beheading anyone he found who wasn't wearing a hat. After his initial confrontation with Hatman in Pointless Tales #188 where he died horribly in his own guillotine machine, he returned after making a pact with the sinister Mefrothto with the power to take on the abilities of anybody whose head he placed on his own, headless shoulders. He was recruited out of his own continuity by the Hooded Hood and has plagued Hatman as the capped crusader’s archnemesis ever since.
Height: 5'4" plus the head and the hat
Eyes: Well, variable really, when you think about it
Hair: See above. But you can guarantee that they'll be wearing fashionable headgear
Strength Level: Supernaturally enhanced
Known Superhuman Powers: pretty much as described above. He has quite a collection of heads to choose from. For example, he does a really mean Elvis impression…
Rottweiler and the Terrier
Real Name: "Frothing" Jimmy Dougall
Occupation: Former security guard
Identity: Secret; Dougall is listed as deceased
Legal Status: Wanted in another continuity line as serial murderers
Other Current Aliases: Bad dogs
Known Relatives: Well, the Terrier is cloned from Rottweiler, and is a smaller, meaner version of him, so that should count, don't you think? Oh, and they have an Aunt in Aberdeen.
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril, formerly of the Messenger Revenge Squad
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum, Stroker's Isle
First Appearance: Severed Zombie Finger Tales #3 (EC, 1955), first attack on Messenger, Strange Postal Tales #31
History: Jimmy Dougall, hard-drinking, hard-swearing security guard volunteered for a strength enhancement process (and a bigger paycheque) from his employers SLIMECOM (a subsidiary of Red Hand Inc.). The process went tragically wrong, mutating him into a feral killing machine and creating an sinister, even nastier, midget duplicate. What with the adamantium teeth and the poisoned claws and everything they really form a very nasty combination, especially since the Terrier can only usually attack up to about waist height. Driven insane they set about guarding things whether they wanted to be guarded or not; hence their first, terrible encounter with Messenger, and the subsequent "If This Be MY ZIP Code…" trilogy.
Height: Rottweiler 6'9", the Terrier "2'7"
Eyes: Rottweiler: beady, close together and red, the Terrier: oozy, looking in different directions and orange.
Hair: Rottweiler: short, brown and black, and all over his body; the Terrier: short, brown and white, and all over his body except for the distemper patches.
Strength Level: Rottweiler: Able to lift a postal van; the Terrier: able to, um, be really affectionate to a postal van.
Known Superhuman Powers: All the usual psycho-killer stuff like adamantium bits, healing factors, fast, strong, poisoned bites and claws, rabies-carrying, etc. etc. With an insane lust for mailmen's trousers (a bit like Lisa but more specifically for postal workers).
War Commander Rox-Hoff, (former) Imperial Marshall of the Skree Fifth Invasion Fleet
Occupation: Space admiral and intergalactic bully
Identity: Rox-Hoff’s identity is publicly known. People tend to remember guys who invaded their planet.
Legal Status: He’s a hero of the ruined Skree Star Empire, public enemy number one in the Skunk Commonwealth, and a wanted felon here on Earth. He’d be dead if not for a last minute rescue by the Hooded Hood’s minion Fearwalker.
Known Relatives: None. His girlfriend Uno dumped him and ran off with the former Protector of the Universe Captain Marbles.
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril; formerly the Skree Star Empire
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island; formerly the now-destroyed Skree homeworld
First Appearance: Untold Tales #13
History: Commander Rox-Hoff led the failed Skree invasion of Earth where he was humiliatingly beaten in solo combat by CrazySugarFreakBoy! Then he led the failed kidnap of Paradopolis to an alien planet, the failed defence against Galactivac when the Skree Homeworld was eaten, and the failed battle against the Nebulos and the Parody Master. He’s not a happy man.
Height: 6’2"
Weight: 290 lbs
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Blue
Strength Level: Slightly above human, or in his battle armour about ten times human
Known Superhuman Powers: Rox-Hoff’s powers come from his Skree battle armour, which allows him to do all the usual stuff re energy bolts, disintegrator blasts, etc. He’s at his best leading an army of mindless thugs on missions of destruction.
Gamona the Assassin
Occupation: Assassin. Duh.
Identity: Intergalactically known and feared. People tend to remember a Starlineque green chick who seems to wear nothing but a fishnet bodysuit but who is actually wearing nothing but skin tattoos.
Legal Status: A wanted felon recently escaped from the Safe
Known Relatives: She killed them all when she didn’t get a My Little Pony for her third birthday. She was brought up by Dark Thugos.
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril; formerly an emissary of Dark Thugos.
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island; formerly Dark Thugos’ Deathship
First Appearance: Untold Tales #58
History: Raised by Dark Thugos and subject to all kinds of genetic enhancements, Gamona was bred to be the perfect killing machine. She is at a loose end since Dark Thugos was apparently killed, and a bored master-assassin is a bad thing.
Height: 5’9"
Weight: 190lbs
Eyes: Black
Hair: Black, long, and laced with adamantine wires to use for garrotting purposes
Strength Level: Superhumanly strong, say around the level G-Eyed or Exile has
Known Superhuman Powers: Gamona is genetically modified to be immune to toxins, energy discharges, and sonics. She can survive vacuum for up to half an hour. She has incredible healing properties. She is deadly in combat, preferring knives and throwing stars to higher tech weapons (although she is also a master of these). She is good at stealth, able to stalk prey and enter buildings unnoticed. She is a universe-class martial artist. She looks incredibly hot.
Onslaughter
Occupation: Genocidal killer, former commander of Deathworld
Identity: Onslaughter is publicly known and feared across the universe
Legal Status: A wanted war criminal recently escaped from the Safe
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril; formerly a henchman of Dark Thugos
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island; formerly the now-destroyed Deathworld
First Appearance: Untold Tales #55 and Amazing Tales #14
History: The final insane experiment of the now-extinct Second-Oldest Race in the Parodyverse, this brutal killing machine was hatched out and used by Dark Thugos. Onslaughter’s rule of Deathworld was disrupted by the heroes of Earth, and his bid to destroy the planet was thwarted by an epic battle with the Yurt and Hatman
Height: 9’6"
Weight: 2 tons
Eyes: Red
Hair: None
Strength Level: Never accurately measured, but he was able to go toe-to-toe with the Yurt for the better part of a day, which has to put him in the top five physically strongest beings in the Parodyverse, and arguably in the top two.
Known Superhuman Powers: Onslaughter is a bone-carapaced engine of destruction. His back, arm, and leg ridges can rip through steel like tissue paper, and he has been known to walk out of a nuclear blast with a mild headache.
Dr Loveray
Occupation: Scientist specialising in reproductive research
Identity: Few people know that Dr Loveray is actually a shell housing millions of the insectoid E’Ros Swarm, or Loveworms, creatures which can enter biological organisms and take command of their hormonal systems.
Legal Status: Dr Loveray was believed dead until his recent encounter with Sorceress and Hatman. He is not wanted for any crimes committed on Earth.
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril; formerly the Destiny Carnival
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island; formerly the Destiny Carnival
First Appearance: Untold Tales #45
History: The E’Ros swarm joined Colonel Destiny’s intergalactic carnival to have access to new and interesting lifeforms whose methods of reproduction they could experiment with. They took the humanoid form of the perverted Dr Loveray to continue their psycho-emotional games with humans (including Goldeneyed and Lisette). They would have been destroyed when those experiments went badly wrong but for the intervention of… the Hooded Hood.
Height: (Loveray) 5’8" (E’Ros Loveworm) 1" (but can grow to about 6" if really excited)
Eyes: (Loveray) Brown and bulging
Hair: Bald except for a few carefully combed grey strands
Strength Level: Weak for a human
Known Superhuman Powers: Individual Loveworms can enter the human nervous system and take control of hormonal production, causing a variety of effects, most of them erotic. Dr Loveray himself has no superhuman powers but does have access to a host of spurious bits of apparatus, including the "Loveray" for which he is named, a device which destroys all inhibitions in its victims.
Savagetooth
Occupation: Mercenary, hunter, bare-knuckle wrestler
Legal Status: Savagetooth is a wanted felon, recently escaped from the Safe.
Known Relatives: Plenty of possibly-complicated relationships nobody can understand and that make no sense. He’s probably related to the Summers family.
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril; formerly a minion of Dark Thugos
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island
First Appearance: Untold Tales #57
History: Savagetooth came out of the wilderland with fury in his heart and blood on his claws. He was found by Dark thugos and given a place in his organisation, but was captured during his attempt to massacre everybody on the SPUD helicarrier. He recently vanished from the government super-prison the Safe.
Height: 5’11"
Weight: 360lbs
Eyes: Red
Hair: Blonde
Strength Level: Around twenty times human average
Known Superhuman Powers: Savagetooth has been experimented on to give him unbreakable bones, claws, and teeth. He also has the inevitable healing factor. This has made him the best there is at what he does. He has enhanced senses which allow him to smell fear. He is a complete sadist and enjoys hurting and killing. He is as psychologically stable as an international rock star.
Spacewarped
Occupation: Former U.S. Astronaut
Identity: Col Codin is believed lost in space.
Legal Status: Presumed dead
Known Relatives: "Tell my wife I love her very much, she knows"
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island
First Appearance: Untold Tales #72
History: After a freak accident left his space-vessel floating amongst cosmic rays, Col Codin was transformed into the spacewarp-forming Spacewarped, He was rescued and put to use by the Hooded Hood.
Height: 5’11"
Weight: 245lbs
Eyes: Grey
Hair: Black
Strength Level: Human
Known Superhuman Powers: Spacewarped can link any two points of space and time together, including different dimensions. This includes the ability to leave little "dimensional traps" for people to fall into even when he is no longer around.
Razor Ballerina
Occupation: Former ballerina
Identity: Mindy was a world-renowned dancer before her… accident. Her role as the Razor Ballerina is not yet known.
Legal Status: The Razor Ballerina is wanted for questioning in relation to a number of international murders
Known Relatives: Well, there are all the little people in a town you’ve probably never even heard of.
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island
First Appearance: Untold Tales #72
History: Mindy was one of Fearwalker’s special projects. Kidnapped from her home and subjected to Fearwalker’s ministrations for around seven months, what remained afterwards was the fearsome and soulless Razor Ballerina.
Height: 5’8"
Weight: 120lbs
Eyes: Green
Hair: Dark brown
Strength Level: Human
Known Superhuman Powers: The Razor Ballerina fights by generating razor-sharp blades from beneath her flesh and hurling them at her opponents with amazing dexterity. She can cut through any substance by touching it, making her a bad person to grab hold of. She has been given a specific resistance to being affected by probability alteration, being able to cut to the most likely result in any case.
Suicide Blonde
Occupation: Hedonistic international playgirl
Identity: Bambi’s activities as the Suicide Blonde are known to law enforcement agencies but no material proof has yet been found to secure a lasting conviction.
Legal Status: Recently released from the Safe after the most recent police case against her collapsed due to the disappearance of key witnesses and evidence.
Known Relatives: Bry Katz (Goldeneyed) and Derek Foreman (Exile), cousins, one of the three lovely Kumari Triplets (mother, in the future), the Fernbiote and the Celestian Madonna (grandparents, in the future)
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril; formerly an associate of Dark Thugos
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island; formerly Dark Thugos’ base in the 23rd Century
First Appearance: Untold Tales #45
History: In the 23rd Century, the three lovely Kumari triplets all became pregnant by unknown fathers on the same night and gave birth nine months later on the same day. Each child held a third of a power able to rock the Parodyverse, and the last survivor of the three would inherit it all. The other infants, who became G-Eyed and Exile, were smuggled back to the 20th century by the Order of the Observing Eye. Bambi was raised by Dark Thugos and only returned to the current timeline recently.
Height: 5’10"
Weight: 170lbs
Eyes: Green
Hair: Blonde
Strength Level: Human
Known Superhuman Powers: Just as Goldeneyed controls space and Exile controls energy, so the Suicide Blonde controls matter. She is able to transform any substance into any other substance, animate objects, create any kind of material she requires, and take control of any matter nearby. She and her cousins are all immune to each others’ powers.
Occupation: Voodoo priest
Identity: Josiah is known to be a cult figure in, uh, cults
Legal Status: Suspected of biting the heads off chickens, but no convictions
Known Relatives: A long line of ancestors who come round for dinner occasionally and try not to drop bits of their anatomy on the carpets
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: New Orleans
First Appearance: Troia’s Birthday Thing, Part IX
History: Raised in the ancient secret traditions of voodoo, Joshua M’Tumba also houses the spirit of his dead gerbil Fluffy. He controls lots of those sinister stereotype cults that keep on having all those interesting orgies in B-movies.
Height: 6’0" without the battered top hat
Weight: 180lbs
Complexion: Pale
Eyes: White
Hair: Black and grey dreadlocks
Strength Level: Human
Known Superhuman Powers: All the usual voodoo stuff with zombies and snakes and so on. You know how this goes.
Huntmaster
Occupation: Professional big game hunter
Identity: Huntmaster’s secret identity is not publicly known. Jack Rabbit irritates him by calling him “Huntsy”.
Legal Status: Huntmaster is a US citizen with no criminal record (although he has been unsuccessfully charged with killing endangered species)
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island, or a hunting lodge in Mombassa, Kenya.
First Appearance: Jack Rabbit #1
History: In the parallel reality that the Lair Legionnaire Trickshot came from (the one in our reality married the spy Natalia Romanza and was murdered by Baron Zemo) Huntmaster was the annoying archer’s archenemy. Amongst his crimes was the murder of that realities’ neophyte hero Jack Rabbit. This Huntmaster was presumed destroyed along with all that reality, but was actually preserved by the Hooded Hood. Meanwhile, in the “main” reality of the Lair Legion, Huntmaster encountered and battled this reality’s version of Jack Rabbit. The Hooded Hood has now merged both Huntmasters together to be one villain with the memories and experience of each of them. Now he wants to kill the remaining Trickshot and Jack Rabbit to complete the set.-
Height: 5’11”
Weight: 250lb
Eyes: Grey-brown
Hair: None
Strength Level: The Huntsmaster takes a secret jungle potion (possibly from the same herb used by the Black Pantzer) which gives him the strength of a bull elephant
Known Superhuman Powers: The Huntsmaster has no superhuman powers as such, except for a sixth sense talent where tracking prey is concerned. He's loaded with all kinds of hunter/forester themed weapons, from his quarterstaff to his hunting knife and cross bow, to his pouches of exploding power that knocks out the opposition (read: game) and simple choking dust that gives him a chance to escape.
An expert tracker with above average fighting and trapping skills, he can blend into any surroundings with excellent camouflage abilities.
Polypheme 1
Occupation: Retired Amazon, now professional weightlifter
Legal Status: Exiled citizen of Amazon Island
Known Relatives: 10,000 sister amazons (estranged)
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum on Stroker’s Island
First Appearance: Untold Tales #19
History: Polypheme 1 came top of the Amazon graduating class that Troia came 215th in. Perfect in nearly every way she allowed her jealousy to get the better of her when Troia was revealed as the daughter of disgraced Amazon queen Rigantona, and her actions contributed to the near destruction of Amazon Isle. She was exiled to Man’s World with a major grudge against Troia.
Height: 6’0”
Weight: 180lbs
Eyes: Green
Hair: Blonde
Strength Level: Peak human strength
Known Superhuman Powers: None. Polypheme is trained in the Amazon arts of war and is a superb hand-to-hand fighter. She is proficient with spear, sword, axe, bow, quarterstaff, dagger, bolas, main-guisarme, halbard, and gelding shears.
And finally, here are a few notes from three somewhat reluctant members of the Purveyors of Peril in their own words:
Age: 22
Occupation: Medical student (like me, only good at it)
Hobbies: Running, reading, dreaming about unattainable women
Origin: Whatever you think best. He’s probably a mutant.
Powers: The scarder he gets the faster he runs. If he’s really scared he leaves a brown streak. He can do things like the Flash with vibrations.
Character: He’s pretty confident, usually polite except to people he doesn’t like, a bit pushy when he’s passionate about something, he doesn’t like bullies.
Costume: It’s brown. It might have a number 1 on the back. There’s probably a belt with a water-bottle with straw in it, maybe a walkman. A brown domino mask. He’s not that big, built like a runner rather than a fighter, wiry and long-limbed, clean shaven.
Relationships: Whatever you think, but he thinks all the LL women are hot. He thinks Whitney is incredibly classy, and she’s far too good for Hatty (and him, but that’s not going to stop him trying). He’s probably going to fight a lot with Trickshot and DK, because Trickshot’s a bigmouth and DK will seem like a fascist to him. Nats (the real person) says he should be a bit like Triathlon from the Avengers, which is OK, but I see a lot of Wally West and Kyle Rayner in there too.
Enemies: Remind me to think of some. This is an incredibly sucky character description, isn’t it?
Be sure to tell everybody that it was the people in the chat room, like Whitney and Troia and Nats and Finny that encouraged me to actually get involved, and that they’re all top people.
Dynamite Boy
Powers: Being the Human Combustible, Jeremy is able to explode on command. This power is especially effective after a visit to Taco Bell.
History: When his now arch enemy Hammond Sterr, a sociopath obsessed with hamsters, kidnapped Jeremy and made him drink an elixir that made his body 20% explosive material, so that he would be the ultimate weapon to destroy the world, what he didn't count on was the former slacker turning in to a heroic super human. And so, Jeremy now fights crime as the persona... Dynamite Boy!
What I do when I'm not heroing: Uhhh... I dunno. Well, I guess, what I, in real life do. Play video games, watch TV... hang out with people... normal stuff.
Origin: Oh, God... I'm not sure anymore. I'm not even sure it's complete. So far, it's...
Average guy Jeremy Wick was having a normal day of walking down a street for some reason, when suddenly, he was abducted by Prof. Hammond Sterr and force fed some sort of goo that made him DB. Then, for whatever reason, he got sucked into nothingness. Nats is going to write then next arc, then I'll take over again. I'm not sure what he's going to do with him.
Powers and equipment: He can explode. Also, he has Explosion Sense™, which warns him of hotdog carts.
What I look like: Uhm. Nats came up with an idea. Talk to him.
What kind of person am are: Heh. A pretty normal guy. I plan on making him quite befuddled once he experiences the odd world of Parodyverse super-heroing.:)
What sort of things do I want:... Pie.
What family does Dynamite Boy have? As it is in real life, I do indeed live with my parents. Joan and Donald. Also, I have a li'l bro named Henry, who's three.
Does he have school-friends? Yep. I guess I have a sort of tribe, really. It consists of my girlfriend Tara and my best buddies, Milo and Joe, plus a few other close confidants, and such.
Is he popular at school or is he picked on? Meh. I suppose there's a bully or two in my school, but I'm not squared in on. People think I'm funny, so I get out of it. But that doesn't mean my super-hero life doesn't get in the way of said relationships...
Is he at the same school as Messenger’s new character? Didn't think of it, but that's a hella-good idea! Continuity and all...
Booom!!!
Chronic
What they do when they're not heroing: Chronic never really goes "heroing" but when he's not doing evil deeds, he usually spends time playing his guitar, doing bad, bad naughty drugs, and plotting against everyone's favorite Amazon.
Origin: That's a long and sordid tale. Not to mention the fact that the first origin story I wrote sucked. lol So um....he's a mystery man. And he hates Troia for some reason, like that's so odd.
Powers and equipment: Superhuman strength and a healing power that he thinks is brought on by using a certain illegal narcotic.....but who knows....he may be wrong...
As for equipment, he has an indestructible, telepathic guitar named Steve. It's good for what all indestructible, telepathic guitars are...
What they look like: Shoulder length dark brown hair, brown eyes. Not the greatest build. Usually seen wearing a long black trenchcoat. Picture Silent Bob from the Kevin Smith films. lol
What kind of person they are: A wannabe supervillain to the core. He would have everyone believe he's mean and evil, but deep down inside he's a bit of a wuss. He still does some rather evil deeds, but they tend to be more out of drug-induced confusion than true evil...
What sort of things they want: The death of a certain Amazon......or does he really.....hmmmmm..........
Hope this has helped somewhat. If not, I'll be happy to answer any other questions.
metaphysical creatures - he could even do some serious damage to Donar if he tried (and he will if I can fit it into an Untold Tale). He originally believed that he could only access the guitar's power when in a drugged state, but this was another deception of the guitar. Every time he throws the guitar away it reappears, and it has become a worse addiction than the drugs.
like. Despite the drug addiction and losing everything important to him in life (except for the music) he somehow continues to resist - think of how the Johnny Blaze version of Ghost Rider wrestled with the demon inside and actually managed to force it to work for good a lot of the time.
dull thud Is that all? Jings-o, don't make it too easy for the Legion... *look of abject terror* 12:31:35 5/22/2001
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clobberin' plummetin' time* 04:02:44 5/23/2001
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