Posted by The Hooded Hood presents this controversial account of one man who might be a hero or a villain, and what the world did to him on April 06, 2001 at 13:54:23:
#68: Untold Tales of the Lair Legion World Tour: The Trial of the Magnetic Techbird
“Magnetic Techbird first appeared around three years ago. A mutant – that is a person gaining their powers through an unexplained genetic deviation – he augmented his own natural magnetic gifts with stolen sonic carapace technology which allowed him to create solid sound constructs, and with robots that he controlled using his powers. After a brief attempt to join the Lair Legion which ended when his attempts to defraud them were detected by their then-leader Jarvis he went on to become a mercenary and terrorist. He committed a number of acts of violence allegedly in the name of ‘the mutant cause’, including abortive attempts at human mind control and the kidnapping and attempted brainwashing of a number of young mutates as his ‘M-Squad’. He was eventually captured by the one-time superhero DarkHwk and has been incarcerated awaiting trial by this International Court ever since.” Herbert P. Garrick completed his opening statement before the three-judge panel at the World Justice Centre in Geneva and sat down with a smug look on his face. “It dost look to be a most vexing confrontation for the nonce,” Donar considered, switching off CNN and returning to his preparations for the ceremony. Since Donar was making an LL PR appearance at the Bavarian Quaffenblitzenfest this mainly consisted of a ninety-pound lidded tankard with the name ‘Donar’ inscribed upon the side. “She shouldn’t be here!” DK raged as the attractive woman in the cow-mask took the witness stand. “We just caught her for murder in England. She should be doing time, not getting a free pardon for ‘technical advice rendered’. This is a set up! This stinks!” “Mutants and mutates are fascinating biological studies,” the diabolical Dr Moo told the court. “All human genetic templates were messed up by the Celestian Space Robot experiments millennia ago, of course, which is why people bitten by radioactive animals tend to take on the powers of those animals rather than get cancer and die, for example. The modified gene-strings are simply yearning to mutuate and give people the power to leap tall buildings with a single bound etc. And sometimes that happens naturally, at birth or at puberty, and we call that a natural mutation, homo peculiaris.” “I believe I am speaking for the silent majority of right-thinking, clean living people,” Karl Braun spoke into the microphone with sincere, convincing tones, “when I say that the world would be a safer place if genetic monsters were erased from it. They may seem human on the surface but they are not. Unchecked they will breed with us to spawn more of their degenerate kind, and soon they will overrun mankind and make us their slaves.” “I want you, Exile, and Trickshot outside the courthouse on crowd control,” Fin Fang Foom told Goldeneyed. “When this guy walks out there’s going to be a riot!” “Hatty, it’s okay. It’s a nudist beach,” Dancer assured the capped crusader who stood with one hand clamped over his eyes and the other holding on to his baggies. “And we’re miles from anyone else anyway on a remote deserted Greek atoll. What’s the problem?” “Sure, Techbird wasn’t the easiest guy to work with,” spiffy admitted to the World Court, “but on the other hand there are lots of superheroes who are a few accessories short of a full costume. Take Space Ghost for instance, or Messenger, or the Greek guy Donar, nice as he is, or… er, I’m not helping here, am I?” “…multiple counts of aggressive behaviour against US and NATO property in attempts ta prevent us SPUD joes from doin’ our work and keepin’ track of mutant activities world-wide,” Dan Drury concluded. He stepped down from the podium and found Meggan Foxxx waiting for him. “The court is most gratified that the king of the Sea Monkeys would make such an offer,” the Senior Judge told Banjooooo, “but where exactly would you ‘safely relocate all mutants’ to? My notes indicate that the sum total of your nation’s above-waterline property is a small warehouse on the docks of Paradopolis.” “In summary, I’d characterise the prisoner at the bar as being unstable, with massive issues about women, a messiah complex, and a tendency to overestimate his abilities which could be potentially lethal,” concluded Dr Maximillian Valium, psychiatrist to the metahuman community. “Given that he hasn’t uttered a word since this hearing began, I’m not even sure if the prisoner is fit for trial. But he is a clear and present danger to the public and to the nation-states of this planet” “It’s going badly, isn’t it?” Valeria of Carfax asked Laurie Leyton as they watched the coverage in their hotel room. “Your mistress, Lisa, does not look happy.” “It is the assertion of the prosecution,” summarised Herbert Garrick, “that Magnetic Techbird has been and is a terrorist. Attempts by the defence to paint his actions in a noble light with political motives are irrelevant. This man has chosen to interfere with sovereign governments’ attempts to handle the growing mutant problem. He has committed many crimes against humanity to accomplish that. He has escaped from confinement before, and he will doubtless attempt it again. The prosecution therefore urges this court to not only recognise this mutant’s guilt but to proscribe the most appropriate punishment: death.” “I want to address the World Court,” De Brown Streak told Fin Fang Foom. “I have to put our side of the case.” “What are you doing?” Valeria asked the struggling Lisette. “The prosecution would have you concentrate on the what in this case,” Lisa told the judges and jury. “What Magnetic Techbird has done, but not why. And the why is the important part. Nobody is denying that my client has done the things we’ve heard about in this courtroom. But we do refute the interpretations placed upon those actions. My client has always acted on behalf of the minority he seeks to protect and represent, and if his actions seem harsh or illegal I ask you to consider how history has viewed the behaviour of other civil rights campaigners who were vilified by the authorities of the time. Do you want to be ranked with those who imprisoned Mandela or assassinated Luther King? Or would you prefer to be the harbingers of a new age of understanding between two different variants of humanity, and forge a new world of peaceful coexistence?” “We can’t fight him!” Exile warned Finny, pointing at De Brown Streak. “We won’t fight him. He’s got Valeria and Lisette.” “I’ve listened to a whole lot of crap during this trial,” Magnetic Techbird told the World Court and television audiences across the planet. “About what I am, what I’ve been, what I’ll become. About why I did stuff and who I did it for. About the future of mutantkind and the future of humanity. A whole lot of crap.” Next time: Visionary and his amazing super-friends in the Castle of Professor Spankenstein! Troia – sex-plaything of the gods? De Brown Streak goes ballistic! The Hooded Hood’s plans for Valeria and Lisette! And Magnetic Techbird takes on the Lair Legion and the world! Don’t miss it!
Counsel for the defence Lisa L. Waltz stood up and adjusted her blouse. After all, two of the judges were male. “Your honours, my learned colleague has missed out a few important facts in his one-sided summary. He neglected to mention the times that Magnetic Techbird has fought to save lives, including an occasion where he diverted three nuclear missiles heading for Paradopolis. He rescued those mutant children from persecution in their homelands and was training them in the safe use of their powers. He has been a tireless campaigner for the rights of mutants in the teeth of a hate campaign from factions both within and beyond the U.S. Government. This is not a criminal trial, it is a political attack.”
“Ms Waltz,” the senior (and female) judge answered, “The charges before us are criminal ones. Kidnapping, extortion, armed robbery, assault, mass property damage, and many more. How does your client plead?”
Lisa took a glance at the red, white, and blue-haired young man in the power-dampening shackles in the dock. “My client does not recognise the authority of this court to try him,” she answered.
“I’m glad the LL’s only providing security over in Geneva,” Cheryl admitted. “That trial will be a PR nightmare.”
“I’m surprised you’re not there helpin’ out, Mistress Cheryl” Flapjack noted.
“I am helping out in my own way,” Cheryl replied. “I brought Visionary to another country, didn’t I?”
Visionary looked up from his Anglo-German phrasebook where he had been learning Ich bien wahrer, verdamme!. “You said my presence on this mission was essential,” he said in a hurt voice.
“It may be, dear,” Cheryl assured him. After all, she might need some shopping carried.
“Yo is thinking that Vizi should be to be getting cute leather shorts like Donar and Yo have,” Suggested Yo. S/he (currently she) looked a lot better in leather shorts than the hemigod of thunder did.
“But you didn’t need the full team there at the trial anyway, right?” Nats checked, dragging his eyes away from Yo’s shorts. “That’s why Dancer took a team for that fact-finding visit to the Greek island beaches we’re allowed to go to the Quaffenblitzenfest?”
“We are actually here to assess the new crimefighting technology breakthroughs you were contacted about back in Paradopolis,” Miss Framlicker chided. “We are just passing through this ethnic festival.”
“And ere long this ethnic festival wilt be passing through us,” Donar added happily.
“Calm down,” Fin Fang Foom advised his friend. “The law may be an ass but it is the law. If they decided to grant Moo a pardon for some reason we can’t do anything about it.”
“Can’t or won’t?” snarled the Dark Knight, shrugging off the dragon’s hands and stalking away.
“He does have a point, you know,” Ziles admitted to the Makluan. “She’s a known sadistic murderer and she gets let off because she can help the authorities of your planet with their evil experiments. That Magnetic Techbird is a fighter for freedom of his people and they put him on trial and demand the death sentence for him. And we are expected to enforce security and prevent him from escaping.”
“A bad guy is a bad guy,” interrupted Trickshot. “I say let him fry.”
“Weren’t you on the wrong side of the law once upon a time?” Exile challenged.
“I was framed. Or my alternate-reality self was. By my this reality never-was-wife Natalia,” the irritating archer explained. “Quite simple really.”
“Everybody deserves a second chance,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! argued. “That’s why I set up my Goofball Gauntlet programme and so far it seems to be really working. Maybe MT could join the Gauntlet?”
“And maybe he should pay for his crimes?” Goldeneyed suggested. “I’m not saying the death penalty, but he has tried to kill us all and he has done a whole bunch of other stuff. You can wrap it up in politics if you want to try and justify it, but in my book stealing is stealing and hurting is hurting.”
“We don’t make the law,” Finny reminded them. “We just enforce it.”
“Right or wrong?” Meggan Foxxx wondered. “You were only following orders, hon?”
“We are only ensuring a fair judicial process,” the Makluan answered through gritted teeth.
“We should be getting that poor man out of there, not helping execute him,” Ziles insisted. “I could easily negate those power dampeners and then G-Eyed could…”
“Do nothing,” Dan Drury, head honcho of the Super-menace Principal Undercover Directorate (SPUD) warned them, appearing at the doorway. “I had a hunch that you yahoos might get itchy right about now, so’s I thought I’d better come and have a little word with you.” He glanced round the room at the Legionnaires assembled: Foom, G-Eyed, Trickshot, Exile, CSFB!, Ziles, and CSFB!’s mother Meggan Foxxx. “The fact is that SPUD and the US government hasn’t always trusted superheroes. Easy to see why. That’s why there’s about six hundred Sentinoid guards around the buildin’. But you an’ me, we’ve worked a long time to get guys in long underwear into good odour with the brass, and this isn’t the time to go wreck that.”
“We’re not going to just sit and do nothing if there’s a miscarriage of justice,” Dreamcatcher Foxglove warned.
Drury pointed through the viewing glass to the courtroom. “Whatever happens in there defines justice,” he answered. “It don’t matter if you an’ me agree or not, or even if those bozos get it wrong. It has to be justice, ‘cause imperfect justice is the only kind we got.”
“If justice isn’t right it isn’t just!” argued CSFB! “This case isn’t black and white, and it’s a person we’re talking about. We’re not about to let Techbird get sold down the river just to stay in good with the government!”
“Nah. You’re gonna let him be tried fair an square like any other person,” Drury spat back, prodding the wired wonder in the chest for emphasis. He turned to the heroes, “An’ if the Lair Legion tries to get in the way, or does anything to interfere with that justice, I’ll take every one of you down.”
“Really?” Meggan asked him with a cold, hard stare as the SPUD agent chewed out her little boy. “Every one of us.”
There was an awkward silence.
Drury met her gaze. “Yeah,” he answered. “Every one.”
“Would you characterise these mutants as potentially dangerous?” Herbert Garrick asked the geneticist.
“They can be. But it’s pretty easy to cure them.”
“Really? How?”
“Oh, just resequence the DNA and RNA to eliminate the mutation,” Dr Moo answered airily. “I’m already working on a machine to do it. Of course, about half the mutants being resequenced will die, but the others will be able to live happy, productive lives.”
“So there is a cure for being a mutant,” breathed Garrick rapturously.
“Objection!” Lisa called. “This so-called expert witness is in fact the Aryan Ideal, a racist hatemonger who masquerades as a superhero.”
“I am a superhero,” Braun replied. “I save lives, even the lives of the inferior races. And I wouldn’t advocate destroying those species. The white master-race deserves servants and slaves, after all. But mutants cannot live with humans, and we must stop sentimentally pretending that they are human and put them down like the beasts they are.”
G-Eyed grabbed his two comrades and teleported in a golden flash to get to the steps before the Aryan Ideal emerged. Even then he was almost too late.
“Why couldn’t I go join them in kicking his butt?” CSFB! complained.
“They’re not kicking his butt,” the dragon growled. “They’re protecting it.”
“I am really starting to rethink this Lair Legion gig, Finny,” Ziles warned the Makluan.
Below, the Aryan Ideal stopped to look at the hooting, jeering crowd. “The yapping of mongrels is of no concern,” he told them.
Suddenly there was a brown blur and a spandex-clad black man stood in front of him. “But the voice of the people cannot be denied,” De Brown Streak answered him.
“Ah,” Karl Braun noted, “the supermonkey. I’ve been briefed on you. You’re another mutie, aren’t you?”
“Shut up, Braun,” Exile warned. “DBS, we don’t want any trouble here.”
Joshua J. Clements ignored him and answered the Aryan Ideal. “Yes, I’m a mutant. Which means that I’m on trial in there with Magnetic Techbird and every other man woman or child who happens to be a little bit different. So step aside. If a fascist like you can address the court then I want to put the other side.”
“DBS,” G-Eyed explained regretfully, “We can’t let you in. It’s a closed court.”
“Perhaps you could etch it onto a banana skin and post it to them?” Braun mocked.
“Perhaps you’d like a blast arrow in the scrotum, f*ckface?” Trickshot invited the Aryan Ideal.
“Easy, Tricky,” G-Eyed warned. “Braun’s a dickless bastard but he’s not broken the law. Yet.”
“Quite right,” the Aryan Ideal agreed. “However, I will help you to subdue this mutant terrorist if he attempts to get past us into the courtroom.”
“That’s it!” De Brown Streak snarled. “It’s go time!” And before any of the Lair Legion could react he had slammed into the red, blue and gold clad racist several thousand times, sufficient to knock even the super-strong Braun off his feet.
“Nice try, monkey-boy!” snarled the Aryan Ideal, “but I only have to hit you once!” he rolled aside with a dazzling speed of his own, tore up a length of paving, and tried to swat DBS.
“Yeah, I know about the amazingly high casualty rate amongst supposed offenders you have captured who happen to be black or latino,” Clements shouted, vibrating through the barrier and hammering into Braun’s head. “I’m not a helpless ghetto kid.”
“When I crush both your legs you will be,” the Aryal Ideal promised him.
DBS bounced the blonde superman to the floor again. “I’m going in,” he promised.
De Brown Streak was surprised when an arrow came within an inch of hitting him. “Stand down, Brownie” Trickshot warned him. “Now.”
“C’mon,” G-Eyed advised the sepia speedster. “Don’t make us fight you.”
“I don’t want to fight,” DBS protested. “I want to talk. But I need to be allowed in to say my piece. You can’t stop me, and neither can the so-called Aryan Ideal.”
“But I don’t even need to stop you,” the Aryan Ideal told him. “Look.” He pointed to the panicking crowd. “All they see is a mutant attack being stopped by superheroes. Hell, even the Lair Legion are about to pound on you. Mad mutie terrorists try to spring the Techbird!”
De Brown Streak looked into the crowd and saw their faces. Fear. Loathing. Horror. Hate. Some people were even cheering for the Aryan Ideal to kick his butt.
He sped away to the sound of Karl Braun’s laughter.
“I’m just not a nudist beach kind of guy,” Jay Boaz admitted. “Couldn’t we find a plain old wear-a-swim-costume kind of beach?”
“Not in Greece, no,” chuckled Whitney Darkness. “You weren’t this modest when we used to go swimming together, Jay”
“Look ladies, it’s not that we object to you taking all your clothes off,” ManMan assured them from behind a tree-trunk (which was required at the moment because although Joe Pepper was wearing beach shorts he felt that modesty required he position himself out of sight from the waist down for a while until he got used to the idea of Dancer, Sorceress, and Troia in the nude) “It’s just that we…”
“Are wussies?” Troia suggested, throwing away her tunic with casual abandon. “It’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before, Joe.” Troia kept the spear however; she’d have felt naked without it.
“That was your alternate-reality evil counterpart, who slept with Joe and then stabbed him in the back though,” Knifey reminded her.
“Just do what you feel comfortable with, Jay,” Sorceress advised Hatman.
“There’s no crime to fight around here,” Hatman complained.
“We’ll find a good place to sun and then I just need to head back to the hotel for something,” Dancer suggested.
“To attend to whatever you smuggled in that big wooden box I’m not supposed to know about?” challenged Troia.
“Er, yes. That one,” Sarah Shepherdson admitted. “But you weren’t supposed to no about it. You see, it’s…”
“No need to tell me,” the Amazon shrugged (spectacularly, from ManMan’s point of view), “I’m not that interested.”
She didn’t add that in the furtherance of not being interested she had also blocked up all the air-holes in the box before coming out.
“Well, I wouldn’t want you to think that I…” Dancer began, but stopped in mid-sentence.
Troia turned round and saw that Dancer was stood like a stature, mouth open in mid-sentence. Hatman, Sorceress, and ManMan were similarly immobile.
“What the…?”
“Oh don’t worry, cutie, they’re all right,” a voice said from behind Troia 215. She spun round
An unshaven man in a gold toga was standing on the sands beside her. “I just put them in stasis while I met with you.”
“Who the hell are you?” the Amazon administrator demanded.
“Me? I’m Generus of the Greek Pantheon. One of your gods. The ones the Amazons worship. I’m your god.”
“You are?”
“Oh yes, I am. You are truly blessed. Now obey your god’s commandments.”
“What commandments?”
Generus looked downed at the tanned nude Amazon. “I command that you have sex with me. Now.”
“Dan,” she frowned, “we have to talk.”
“Ah,” Banjooooo admitted sheepishly, “You may have spotted the one flaw in my proposal.”
“Lisa’s my boss,” Lisette replied, “Mistress has a different connotation outside the Dreary Dimension you come from, ‘kay.”
“But the trial is not going well? I have not seen a trial before, since such things were not done in a realm where Dread Dormaggadon’s word was final.”
“Well I still can’t work out whether the guy is guilty or innocent,” Laurie admitted. “I mean, sire, he did that stuff they’re saying. It’s a question of whether he was right to do it, y;’know?”
“I understand,” replied Valeria. “I was once commanded to slay Rick and broke the law by disobeying, but I have now come to believe that I did the right thing.”
Lisette looked at the reserved slave-girl from another dimension. “Look, I know you’re magically bound to serve Derek Foreman,” she ventured, “but what do you really feel about it? Do you actually love him? I mean really heart-stopping-do-anything-world-be-damned love him?”
Valeria blushed. “Love would be inappropriate. Whatever Exile might say he is my master and I his chattel.”
“What kind of future do you see for yourself?” Laurie wondered. “I mean, do you see yourself settled with him, growing old together? Kids?”
“I don’t see any future at all,” the slave replied, looking downwards. “Certainly not a happy ending. There are some things you and Derek don’t know.” Valeria deliberately changed the subject. “What about you? How serious are you with Bryan? Do you see yourself bearing his heirs?”
“Well that’s something I’ve been wanting to talk with somebody about…” Lisette began.
The door smashed open and a blur of speed blitzed into the room.
“Sorry about this, ladies,” De Brown Streak told them as he subdued them at supersonic speeds. “But you must consider yourselves my hostages.”
The courtroom erupted with shouts of support and protest.
“It’s too late,” the Makluan answered. “They’re summing up now. If you’d approached Lisa a few weeks ago…”
“Look, one way or another, I’m going in there.”
“Against the Lair Legion?” smirked Trickshot. “I don’t think so. You haven’t poisoned us all into unconsciousness this time, Brownie.”
“I’m not stupid enough to think I could take you all in straight battle,” DBS snorted. “That’s why I took Lisette and Valeria as hostages.”
“What?” G-Eyed and Exile said together.
“That’s right,” De Brown Streak told them. “I am going to speak to the World Court. You won’t stop me or you’ll never see your womenfolk again.”
“What do we do?” CSFB! whispered to Finny. “We can’t let Val and Laurie get hurt.”
“We can’t fail on the job because somebody close to us might get threatened either,” growled the Dark Knight. “Remember that supervillain guide that sent us on this world tour in the first place?”
“Why can’t he have his say?” Ziles argued. “It’s not like everyone else and their brother hasn’t put their view forward.”
“If you harm one hair on her head…” Exile warned the sepia speedster.
“Easy cuz, we’ll get them back,” Goldeneyed promised.
“Brown Streak,” Fin Fang Foom decided, “You’re under arrest.”
“Trying to get out of these cuffs,” she replied. “It’s not as if I haven’t enough experience of being in them.”
“Where do you think we are?”
“Some kind of abandoned warehouse,” Laurie replied. “It’s pretty standard stuff.”
“You have faced this kind of danger before?”
“Sure. Lots of times. Sometimes even when it wasn’t a date.”
“I think things are about to get a little less typical,” Valeria suggested, looking over her companion’s shoulder.
“Good evening,” intoned the Hooded Hood.
The first lady of the Lair Legion paused briefly as her client passed a note to her. She looked up. “Er… it seems as though Magnetic Techbird is prepared to make a statement,” she announced.
Goldeneyed teleported back from the girls’ hotel room. “It’s true. They’re gone. He’s got us Foom.”
“We do not surrender to terrorists or give in to kidnappers,” the Dark Knight warned. “If we do then your relatives and loved ones will be snatched every ten minutes by criminals wanting to tie our hands.”
“And if we don’t surrender they’ll be dead now,” Exile retorted. “Or would that make us more efficient crimefighting machines?”
DK moved so fast Derek Forman didn’t know he was moving until he was slammed against the wall. “We all know about the cost of fighting evil,” spat the Dark Knight. “All of us.”
“C’mon Brownie, this isn’t you,” CSFB! suggested. “I mean, hostages and stuff. How can people take what you’re saying about mutants seriously if you’re going to behave like this? Aren’t you just playing into the hands of folks like that Aryan Ideal asshole?”
“What choice have I got left?” DBS protested. “If they take down the Techbird today then there’ll be enough support for Congress to support the Mutate Registration Bill, and then it’ll be legal for Sentinoids to hunt down anybody who uses an unlicensed mutant power.”
“And the Lair Legion won’t so anything about it because it’s the law,” contributed Ziles.
“We have to uphold the law, because like Drury said it’s the best we’ve got,” Fin Fang Foom snarled. “Now I’ll say it one more time, DBS. Stand down and surrender, because hostages or not the Lair Legion is going to take you out.”
“I’m not,” Goldeneyed announced. Exile, CSFB! and Ziles nodded agreement.
“Great!” muttered Trickshot. “This’ll help our trust-relationship wit’ Drury.”
“The Lair Legion will uphold the law,” repeated Finny. “Anyone who feels differently can leave the team.”
He looked around him at the jury, the judges, the watching public in the gallery, the prosecution and the defence. “I’ve heard enough to convince me that there will never be peaceful coexistence between humans and mutants. Sorry Lisa, but it’s true. It’s going to come down to one or the other. Fair enough. Well I want it to be my people.”
As he spoke the power-restraining harness that bound him was reshaping itself into the familiar form of his sonic carapace. Throughout Geneva Sentinoid warriors were getting override information into their armour, crushing their human occupants, and accepting new fealty.
“You heard I saved Paradopolis from three nukes, right? But nobody ever worked out where the three downed missiles went. Well I can tell you. They’re in close-Earth orbit held there by my power, aimed at Washington, Paradopolis, and Geneva. Unless I have unconditional agreement from all world governments to proclaim me ruler of a new mutant nation then the war between your race and mine begins right here, right now, with a hundred million deaths.”