Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike suggest you read DBS #8 before this
Thu Nov 11, 2004 at 10:48:06 pm EST
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I hope this doesn't muck up continuity....
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“The Transporter”


Mr. Epitome fumed, “This is ridiculous.”

“What is to being ridiculousing about it?” Yo asked with an earnest smile.

The Legionnaires stood in Mansion’s underground garage. It was morning, the start of an unofficial global holiday, in honor of the now returned but not quite conquering heroes in the Lair Legion, who had managed to save the Earth and countless other worlds from the powerful Hero Feeder known as the Gamesmaster.

“Setting aside the wasted opportunity the Legion had to access alien technology while on this mission, you are compounding your error by forcing me to complete an errand that is not worth my time,” the Paragon of Power whispered.

Yo tapped his/her chin thoughtfully, “Is access a euphemisming for steal, for Yo is thinking to me it is sounding like it is. And Yo is believing Mr. Epitome is a trifleness uncute, for calling Caphans unworthinging of his time.”

Dominic glanced over at the covey of emerald skinned alien females that stood nearby. They were brought back by the Legion after the Challenge over Epitome’s disproval, “These are alien life forms that we are introducing to the general population. They should be quarantined at the minimum, until we can make sure they are not an environmental hazard.”

“Cute Librarian checked Caphan physiology references at Moon Public Library and has been decided cute green ladies are not being any risk,” Yo declared, “So is safe to take them to cute Visi’s condo.”

“That’s another thing: why are we humoring these women by allowing them to remain in their roles as slaves to Visionary? It is insulting to them and a potential PR disaster for us.”

“To not be totally crushing their belief systeming. Deela, Sayanna, Philaana, Noona, Miiri, Odoona, Losiira Luuma, and Kaara have been suffering enough shocks. Better to let them be holding on to part of their culture, even if uncute Caphan society considers them unworthy.”

“I disagree with your chosen course of action.”

“Is to be noted,” the deputy leader of the Lair Legion tugged his/her hat with playful authority, “now here is being keys. Drive safely.”

The Caphan women were ushered into the Legion’s van, and Epitome reluctantly started up the engine. There was a moment of near hysteria when Losiira thought the automatic passenger side seatbelt was some form of decapitation booby trap, but Dominic managed to calm the aliens down and drive the length of the bridge that connected Lair Island to the mainland without incident.

He was negotiating the early morning traffic when one of the women spoke from the back.

“Excuse me, what is your function?”

The Man of Might looked into the rearview mirror at the questioner. Yo had identified that particular Caphan as Miiri, “I beg your pardon?”

“What service do you provide for Master Visionary? You have the build of a laborer, but your clothing is too elaborate for that. Are you some form of court entertainer?”

Epitome flinched slightly, “No. I am not.”

“Oh,” Miiri thought a bit, “A eunuch?”

The sound of Dominic’s molars grinding together could be heard through out the van, “No. Now please stop talking. It requires a great deal of concentration to maintain control of this vehicle.”

“I am sorry,” Miiri’s turned her eyes away from the man’s glare. Kaara nudged her gently.

“Eunuchs can be sensitive of their condition, in certain cultures,” she explained in her native tongue.

Epitome, who had taught himself Caphan the evening before, nearly ripped of the steering wheel as he eavesdropped.

The women stared out the windows of the van as Dominic pulled off the highway and into Dullard’s Corner. The fall weather was mild, and families were out readying their yards for what was soon to be the biggest block party in the history of the planned community. The troupe made its way to Visionary’s driveway.

“Are these all servants of Master Visionary?” Noona wondered aloud.

“No! Slavery has been outlawed in this country for over a hundred years. These are free people,” the American Archtype said with surprising vigor. The Caphans shrunk back in their seats. Epitome sighed and put the van in park.

“Look,” he turned and addressed the women, “My culture sees slavery as an abomination. We fought a civil war over the institution, and hundreds of thousands of people died trying to end it. Slavery is my nation’s greatest tragedy, and a tradition that should not be continued. Do you understand my point?”

Miiri grew a paler shade of green, “You mean to kill us?!”

“What? No!”

“You called us abominations! Monsters!”

The Caphans began to shriek in unison, scrambling madly for the door handles. Mr. Epitome hit the child safety locks and tried to ride out the panic. It soon became clear, after all the prayers and hosannas to their yellow coated master that Dominic would be unable to expand the communal consciousness of the women. He vaulted out of the van and quickly strode to the front door of the Condo. He knocked and waited.

Kerry Shepherdson opened the door enough to peek outside, “Yeah?”

Normally the Exemplary Man would have commented on such an impolite greeting from the young lady, but with current conditions as they were he realized there was enough drama in Dullard’s Corner, “There here. The Caphans. I need your help getting them out of the van.”

The Probabilty Arsonist came out onto the steps to get a closer look at the women and their trapped, haunted expressions, “Geez: what’s their problem.”

“Culture shock,” Mr. Epitome said quickly, “We need find a way to calm them.”

“I think I’ve got some Sarin gas canisters in one of my steamer trunks,” Kerry offered, hopefully in jest.

Dominic shook his head, “No. Do this: go tell them you are the mistress of the house, and assign them appropriate duties. Such a routine should get them to relax.”

“Hmm: give them some chores. Works for me,” the teen headed over to the van with quite a few ways in mind of working this to her advantage.

Epitome, wisely, remained out of sight until Kerry shepherded the aliens inside. Then he drove back to Lair Island, with a slightly better appreciation for Yo’s tactical intelligence before he left.







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