This story takes place before Untold Tales of the Transworlds Challenge #175: Obstacles.
Sir Mumphrey Wilton, chairman of the Lair Legion: How do you do, my dear? Delighted to meet the young lady who’s been brightenin’ up the life of our resident CrazySugarFreakChappie!, what? Have a muffin.
April Alice Apple, creator of the Groovy Gecko-Gal: Um, thanks. Heh. Never really had a grandpa before …
Dominic Clancy, a.k.a. Mr. Epitome: Sir Mumphrey, I need to speak with you, in private.
Mumphrey: Excuse me for a moment, won’t you, my dear?
April: Oh, sure. Go ahead. Me and the computer-generated chick can chat for a while.
Mumphrey: Now then, Epitome me lad, what can I do for you?
Epitome: Please explain to me why we’ve agreed to provide lodging and accommodations for this young woman in the Lair Legion Mansion, however temporarily, beyond the fact that she happens to have traded a few … intimacies with Mr. Foxglove.
Mumphrey: Perhaps because several candid snaps of the two of them sharin’ those same “intimacies” have been circulated throughout the press, and the last thing this poor gel needs to deal with is bein’ hounded by packs of tabloid jackals, especially what with her no doubt already worryin’ about the man she loves, as he risks his life for all of us, a million bloody miles away in outer space? Hmph. Must say, I’m somewhat surprised at your lack of compassion in this situation, given the rather dim view you usually seem to take of the “liberal media,” as you so frequently refer to it.
Epitome: Considering the fact that Ms. Apple and Mr. Foxglove chose to engage in what should have been private sexual acts in some very visible public places when the pictures in question were taken, my sympathies for either one of them remain entirely marginal in this case. Even if the circumstances were otherwise, I’d still be inclined to recommend that any woman who actually wants to be … involved with Foxglove should be compelled to undergo a full security clearance check, a psychological profile and a drug test, before being allowed to stay on as our houseguest for any length of time.
Mumphrey: Fine. If my previous reasonin’ doesn’t satisfy you, then this should; we’re lettin’ Miss Apple have free room and board here because I believe it’s the right thing to do, and I believe that doin’ the right thing far outweighs whatever other biases you may have, or judgements you may have made, against this young lady as a result of her behavior. And since I outrank you in this organization, I also believe that if you don’t like it, you can go straight to Hell. Is that understood, soldier?
Epitome: *Ahem* You’ve made your point with crystal clarity, yes.
Hallie, the Lair Legion’s resident artificial intelligence: So, Mr. Epitome was the first one to find you in Dream’s room, feeding his pet Chupacabra?
April: Yep. Dream loaned me one of his spare Lair Legion CommuniCards for when he was away, and asked me to pick up his pull-file of titles from the comic shop each week, and to keep the little goat-sucker’s bowl full of mutton. He made a lot of barky noises at me and acted all tough, but once I bopped him on the nose and told him to be nice, he decided to settle down and behave, even though he was still sulky and growly for a bit.
Hallie: I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone treating Mr. Epitome that way before.
April: Huh? Oh, no! I was talking about Spaz! You know … the CrazySugarCryptoCreature!?
Hallie: Hah! And I thought you meant … anyway, what did you wind up saying to Epitome, after he almost assuredly read you the riot act for trespassing on LL Mansion grounds?
April: I just held up the CommuniCard, with Dream’s smiling face on the front, and said to him, “Leeloo Dallas Moolteepass.” Of course, like a total sci-fi film neophyte, he didn’t even get that I was quoting one of Milla Jovovich’s lines from The Fifth Element.
The Manga Shoggoth, Lovecraftian loathsome elder beast from beyond: I must admit my curiosity; you are the mate of CrazySugarFreakBoy!, and yet, the photographs I have seen of your joining do not correspond to the hentai anime documentaries I have viewed on the subject, aside from the black boxes and pixel distortions that appear over your genital regions, when you remove the articles of clothing that cover those areas of your bodies.
April: Well, hell, I may not be as skinny as those no-ass little Japanimation bitches, but just because I’m a big girl doesn’t mean I’m not still flexible as all fuck. You’d be surprised at how easy it is for a gal of any size to get her ankles behind her head.
Hallie: Hey, okay! Moving on to a new subject! Please?
Shoggoth: Excuse me; your reactions to my inquiry lead me to believe my words might have caused you to take offense. If so, I offer you my apologies.
April: Nah, you’re fine. I mean, I can’t speak for Synergy from JEM* and the Holograms, here, but I could never get mad at something that looks so much like a cute stuffed plush Cthulhu doll. Besides, I’m the freak who’s so crazy that she’s dating Dream, remember? I swear, some of the shit I’ve heard come out of that boy’s sugar-sweet mouth is enough to make even a hardcore Lords of Acid fan say goddamn.
Hallie: Speaking of which … what exactly is the attraction, if you don’t mind my asking?
April: Between me and Dream, you mean? Hmm. Have you ever met someone who just, I don’t know, possessed such a striking duality of spirit, that they managed to be equal measures sensitive and strong, clever and clueless, wounded and whimsical, heroic and hopeless, all mixed up, all at once? I can’t possibly be making any sense with this.
Hallie: Oh, I don’t know about that. I mean, I suppose I might be able to understand how a person could find such a combination of traits compelling, in a significant other.
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