Tales of the Parodyverse

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Visionary
Sun May 23, 2004 at 01:18:24 am EDT
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"Settling in"
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Visionary sat in his new office, given to him as headmaster of the Junior Lair Legion program. Despite his reluctance to be thrust once again into any position of leadership, he had to admit that he did like having an office. He even managed to find and reinstall his trusty old intercom on the corner of his desk. Unfortunately, he had as yet not been able to find where the other half of the system had gone. When he pressed the “call” button, instead of a secretary he mostly got static in return, except for the one time he heard something that sounded ominously like an inhuman growl. Overall, this did not much differ from when Troia was his personal assistant, and helped him feel more at ease.

There was a sudden knock, followed by the unfortunate but not unexpected sight of Flapjack’s face as he peeked around the side of the door. “I heard you wanted to see me. All settled in, boss?”

“Mostly” Visionary replied with one more happy glance around the room. “And you don’t have to call me “boss”. I’m not in charge any more, you know.”

“Of course, of course” the twisted little man replied with a little bow. “It’s just, what with you taking a chance on me and giving me this job when I really needed it, well… You’re just my favorite out of all of my old employers.”

“Really?”

“Would I lie to you?” he answered, with his most sincere, yellow-toothed smile. “If there’s ever anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask…”

“Well, now that you mention it, there are a couple of things…” the possibly fake man began. “First, Kerry seems to have left an apple on my filing cabinet as a welcoming present.” He starred at the innocent fruit with concern. “Do you know if we have a direct line to the bomb squad?”

“Who knows?” the hunchback answered, throwing his arms up in theatrical defeat. “Why, even that Al B. fellow needs a manual to figure out the phones in this place.”

“Uh-huh.” Visionary replied. “So in response to the second… You wouldn’t happen to know anything about the $2700 charged to my office line for toll calls to…” he quickly consulted the e-mail on his desktop… “1-900-Reform School Trollops?”

“A-heh” Flapjack responded with a fixed smile. “Hallie been logging the calls, has she?”

“Yep.”

“Isn’t she the helpful little minx.”

“Indeed.”

Flapjack swayed back and forth on his uneven legs. “Ah, I think I saw that new guy in here just last night…”

“The new guy.”

“Uh-huh.”

The Regular stared at him evenly. “So Mr. Epitome hangs around my office after hours calling…” he checked his computer screen again… “Mistress Kimmy’s Hot-Erotic-Teen-Henchman-Bondage-line?”

The butler glanced at the computer screen in surprise. “Really? Wow… I guess you never know about those Government types. I mean, look at what J. Edgar Hoover did with his time off. Of course, those aren’t the kind of accusations I’d make lightly, if I were you… what with the tax audits and deportation hearings and whatnot he might have just waiting to hit ya with …” He leaned in conspiratorially “But you’re far from the first one to have suspicions about that guy.”

“What? I don’t have suspicions about…”

“Right, gotcha” Flapjack said with a wink, tapping the side of his nose. “Can’t be too careful” he whispered. “Never know just who’s listening.”

Visionary looked at the grubby little man then around his new office, feeling decidedly less at ease. “I’m not making accusations, dammit!” he protested, loudly and somewhat towards the suddenly suspicious OPS stapler that he had borrowed from the Man of Might yesterday. “And I happen to be both broke and a citizen of this country!”

“Well, sure… *You* are” the hunchback noted smoothly with a sidelong glance at the apple resting ominously to their left.

It took a moment to register. “Deportation hearings?” the possibly fake man said in a quiet, stricken voice. “He wouldn’t… I mean, there’s no reason to…” He lapsed into worried silence, staring at the apple.

Flapjack looked at the stricken man, uncomfortably noting the concern in his eyes. “Well… it’s just a little office rumor…” he said, trying to sound reassuring. “I wouldn’t put too much stock in it. You know how these things are…” He looked at the clock on the wall. “Hey, don’t you have a class to teach?”

“What?” the fake man blinked. “Oh! A class… right.” Visionary spun around and grabbed his lesson plan from off his desk, then hurried towards the door. Halfway there he paused. Wincing, he slowly reached out his arm and gently picked up the apple with two fingers. After a few seconds of silence, he opened his one eye to regard the fruit with surprise. “Huh.” He noted. Then, with a distracted wave, he was out the door.

It took a few more seconds for a soft “thoom” to sound from the hallway, followed by the smell of burnt gunpowder mixed with applesauce, and finally the activation of the automatic sprinklers.

Flapjack sighed and then plodded around to sit behind the absent man’s desk. Picking up the phone, he quickly dialed in a number, then leaned back with a resigned look upon his misshapen face. “It’s me” he said when the other end picked up. “I… I think I maybe went a little too far this time. I guess I’m feeling kind of guilty… Yeah. Yeah, something like that.” He listened to the voice on the other end of the line intently. “Oh, I definitely deserve a spanking, Mistress Kimmy…” he responded, wiping a bit of drool from his lip. “And I’m not wearing pants either…”














I would have added this to the thread of stories "welcoming" Mr. E to the team, but that was getting a ways down the board. (As it was, I nearly missed Yo's contribution to that little tale...) Hopefully, there's enough here for it to stand on it's own as a brief little glimpse of LL life.



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