Posted by The Gathering of Notables, Part Two: And You Thought Those Monsters Were Wicked on November 04, 2000 at 17:37:23:
In Reply to: ag presents his late offering to Halloween week. Within this dark and dusty tale resides 11 classic monsters! Read if you DARE! posted by The Gathering of Notables on November 03, 2000 at 17:49:12:
The Gathering of Notables, Part Two: And You Thought Those Monsters Were Wicked
Continued from AG’s story above.
“Ah, I see you started without us,” the Manga Shoggoth noted as the horrors closed in on John and Marsha. “That was pretty unsporting.”
The assembled monsters turned to see three figures arrayed in the doorway. In the forefront, bubbling out of his humanoid shape was the elder beast who had spoken. Behind him was the red-robed sorcerer supreme Xander the Improbable. Lounging against the doorway and lighting a cigarette was the irritating interferer Con Johnstantine.
“We’re hurt,” Xander told them. “Deeply hurt. You had a party and didn’t invite us.”
“Yeah,” Johnstantine complained. “You invited geeks like the Phantom over there and left us off the guest list. Is it the Hallowe’en Losers Convention?”
John huddled Marsha to him, wondering what was to happen next. The three newcomers seemed to have no chance against the massive cast of horrors assembled before them.
“I am not a geek,” the man in the opera mask objected. “I am an artiste.”
“Yeah. And a geek,” Mr Hyde snickered.
Count Dracu intervened as the two night stalkers rounded on each other. “Gentlemen, do not allow them to divide us. We stand at the threshold of a new era if our summoning is completed. Nothing can stop us, and certainly not this second-rate master of the mystic crafts and his feeble cronies.”
“True,” the Headless Horseman agreed. “Let’s kill them and get on with the sacrifice.”
“If he hasn’t got a head what does he talk out of?” Con Johnstantine wondered.
“Leave the mortals alone,” the Manga Shoggoth advised the assembly. “Now.”
“You see, the problem is,” Xander the Improbable explained, “that some of us don’t want an age of eternal night and horror. And it’s in my job description to make sure you horrors of the night get kicked in the mystic bollocks when you step out of line. So I’m strongly advising you all to flap, crawl, shamble, slime, and trickle your ways home before we have to resort to unpleasantness.”
The Wolfman took a bite out of the Mange Shoggoth. It didn’t taste nice, and the ooze crawled out of his mouth and rejoined the main mass. “Stop that,” the Shoggoth rumbled to the snarling lycanthrope. “It’s not big and it’s not clever.”
“Your pet may be powerful, mageling,” Dracu sneered, “but together we have to power to destroy you all.”
“And me not having paid the milkman this week,” Con Johnstantine fretted.
“Before we end up in all-out war,” Xander suggested, “might I ask a few pertinent questions?”
“Don’t listen to him! He’s sneaky” the Hunchback warned.
“And your dad was your uncle as well,” Johnstantine shot back. “There are shoe-trees that seem sneaky to you.”
The Hunchback scowled and prepared to leap at the cocky trenchcoated interferer, but the Shoggoth bubbled into the way. “Go ahead, hump. Make my day!”
“Who did you send to fetch these two young people to your castle for your oh-so-subtle trap?” the master of the mystic crafts wondered.
“I went,” a disembodied voice belonging to the invisible man boasted. “It was my privilege to prepare the sacrifice for the Age of Darkness.”
“I see,” Xander answered precisely. “And you were born, what, around 1860ish?”
“So?”
“So you’re a little bit out of date, Mr Griffin,” Xander suggested. Con Johnstantine had caught on and was snorting with laughter.
“You’re about to die, interloper. What is so funny?” demanded the Phantom.
“Tell us a little bit about this ritual, chummy,” the irritating Englishman smirked.
“We conduct the rite before the Dawn of All Hallows on the cusp of a new century,” the Mummy intoned in priestlike voice. “A gathering of notables straps the two virgins to the place of sacrifice… why are you snickering, mortal?”
“Well, this IS the year 2000,” Xander explained gently. “Courtship rituals are a bit different from the nineteenth century. A bit more… informal.”
“What do you mean?” Dracu demanded.
“He means,” Johnstantine grinned, “that you’re missing a couple of prime ingredients of the ritual.”
“The Dagger of Mefrothto?” Mr Hyde scowled. “It’s right here.”
“Nope.”
“The slab of sacrifice? I licked it clean myself,” the Hunchback promised.
“Try again.”
“The eviscerating hooks? The chains of torment? The psychic electrodes? The horny helmet of horror? Got them all.”
“I think my transient and brief human companions are referring to the sacrifices,” bubbled the Manga Shoggoth.
“Ridiculous!” the Invisible Man shouted. “We have the virgins here!”
John and Marsha were blushing. “Um…” said Marsha.
“Erm…” John added.
“Well…” Marsha apologised.
“We always used a condom,” offered John.
“But you’re not married!!!” cried the Bride of Frankenstein.
“See, you don’t have to bloody well save yourself,” muttered Frankenstein’s Monster, “These mortals are going at it like rabbits and she wouldn’t even touch my nuts…”
“Wait a minute,” scowled the Phantom. “You mean they…”
“You won’t tell my dad, will you?” Marsha worried.
“You young hussy!,” the Wolfman growled. Then, to John, “And they say I’m a wolf!”
“Well, better luck next millennium,” Xander shrugged. The worst part of this was going to be trying to explain human reproductive methods to the Manga Shoggoth. Again. “We’ll be on our way and leave you to your bickering. Come along, young lovers. Happy Hallowe’en Drac.”
“But, but, but…” the vampire stammered. He turned round to find the other monsters converging on him to explain how unhappy they were.
“Let’s face it,” Johnstantine smirked at him as he sauntered out after Xander, the Shoggoth, and the youngsters. “Marsha’s not the only one who’s screwed.”