Posted by Here's a story I wrote in May of this year but never got round to posting for some reason and had forgotten all about until I stumbled across it today. It's a little bit dated now from a continuity point of view, but it roughly takes place about the time of Untold Tales #44 or so, just before the big storyline where Paradopolis got kidnapped. Anyway, here it is. on October 21, 2000 at 16:07:59:
Had a most interesting day. Since income tax returns getting slightly tedious, decided to go have a look at Paradopolis business holdings as excuse to call on young Asil and Miss Waltz and inspect the young Waltzlet. Had acquired large and noisy cot toy, gift of which is the right of all godparents since they don’t have to listen to the damn thing saying how much it wuvs you all night until the frantic parent tips the writing out and flushes it down the toilet.
Therefore dropping in at the old Parody mansion – I should say Lair Mansion these days. Avoided stunner weaponry by phasing them forward in time (sadly to the point spiffy returned with takeaway meal order, but he’ll be out of the infirmary in a day or two apparently) and rang doorbell. Miss HALLIE, the delightful computer presence opened the door. Tipped hat to her and poor tragic ‘Maria’. Wonder if Lair Legion have worked out they’ve got a ghost in their mansion yet?
Followed sounds of bickering to the Lair Lounge, where a range of heroic chaps were anxiously clustered round the TV remote control tryin’ to work out why it wouldn’t set the box to anything but the Weather Channel. Hatman pointed out that he quite liked weather, but was invited to shut up by Donar, Exile, Goldeneyed, Finny, Visionary, Trickshot, Lisa, and Troia. CSFB! was consoling Yo who was crying in the corner over the death of the remote control – something about TV tuner heaven I think.
NTU-150 wandered in then carrying small nuclear reactor and tabletop particle accelerator to repair remote. Rest of Lair Legion suddenly remembered that this was going to be their Big Day Out, or to give it its full name, their Big Day Out Far, Far Away from the Lair Mansion. “We can take Mumphrey to see the sights of Paradopolis!” Asil suggested brightly. “The Twin Parody Tower…”
“We’re banned from the Twin Parody Tower,” Troia reminded her. “Since the days when there actually were two towers, remember?”
“We could show him the Paradopolis Opera House, then,” Asil offered.
“That’s still being decontaminated after the HERPES incident,” Goldeneyed warned.
“Paradopolis City Hall?” she tried.
“Blown up in the Acts of Ambition, and Pierson’s Porter hasn’t told anyone where the new one is,” Exile pointed out.
My occasional amanuensis seemed somewhat nonplussed. “There must be somewhere the Lair Legion hasn’t been banned from or blown up,” she said plaintively.
Everyone thought. For quite a long time.
Ended up having a splendid breakfast at a little coffee shop off Paradopolis plaza, a place called the Bean and Donut. Trickshot spent considerable time trying to explain to me what grits was, since I was under the impression it was stuff you put on roads when they got icy. Personable waitress named Sarah managed to calm him down before he got to point of apoplexy.
Then Hatman suggested I be taken to a baseball game. The Paradopolis Turkeys were apparently playing at home. Most interesting event. Nearly got banned there as well since Banjoooo refused to pay for entrance ticket on grounds he was royalty and had diplomatic immunity as well. In the end Lisa went inside the grounds then summonsed him, thereby defusing nasty situation. I secretly paid for his ticket, of course.
Baseball is curious bastardised version of cricket. Instead of players wearing white, crowd has to wear enormous polystyrene hands with pointing fingers. Very polite spectators they were too, rising in waves all round the stand, presumably as they spotted ladies coming into the stadium. Jolly young woman sang American national anthem, while Troia muttered about her being an amateur. Pointed out lack of wickets to American cousins but was assured that this was normal. I suppose it makes it easier for everyone to play nicely if there’s no chance of being bowled out. Strange batting technique also; wouldn’t have got away with it back in my day at Lords, the Gentlemen vs the Players, eight wickets down, seventy needed to follow on, and Tuppy Tankerson bowling googlies like they were goin’ out of fashion. Still have small scar on forehead.
After the game, CrazySugarFreakBoy! suggested tour of offices of indigenous comic book publishers but was outvoted in favour of visit to bowling alley. This bowling rather similar to skittles, except special rubber footwear and consumption of large frozen juice drinks required. Was puzzled by large numbers of people running screamin’ out of the Bowlerama shouting “Oh, no! it’s the Fuzzy bunnies of the Happy Place!” Failed to see what was going on, but Donar simply said “Aye verily, and forgetteth it not, defeated vermin!” Possibly an American/Australian cultural thing?
Miss Waltz then suggested a nightclub for some dancing, and while this didn’t seem to be welcomed by some of the male Legionnaires (on the grounds, apparently, that they suck so much they blow, by which I assume there are some asthmatics in the team and suggested cold showers and brisk morning run as cure), the ladies were mostly rather keen. Fin Fang Foom remembered he’d suffered a multiple heart attack earlier that day and had to go lie in a dark room with the door nailed up on doctor’s orders. Most odd. Noticed young Exile had brought along a nice young lass called Valeria who watched him all the time. Wondered whether I should mention her being a time/space nexus but decided probably none of my business.
Interesting dancing styles amongst Lair Legion and friends. I assumed Miss Waltz was practising for a limbo dancing session, but Asil placed other connotations on it. Scolded my amanuensis. Don’t know where she gets such ideas. Trickshot demonstrated some kind of modern dance which consisted of him doing a kind of swaggering walk up to each young woman, whispering something in their ear, and then curling up on the floor at their feet clutching his groin. Think I’ll stick to the foxtrot. Young CrazySugarFreakChap!’s dance style seems to involve lots of bouncing off walls and ceilings – somewhat disconcerting to the young lady I’d have thought. Troia pointed out this is why it is always important to bring a spear when one goes clubbing. Must remember that.
Yo has interesting style of dancing, involving as it does changing gender as she or he feels like it. Remember a chap in lower school at Eton who was just the same. On other hand, everyone near Yo was happy, really happy, and that’s what really counts, isn’t it? Well, most people were happy. Spotted Goldeneyed hiding under table trying to avoid Lisa’s assistant, young Lisette. Can’t understand why, as she seems perfectly personable to me. He asked me not to tell Lisette he was called Bry. Seems fair enough. I wonder what he is called?
Must remember to check with Asil whether there really is a modern dance called the Spank or whether Space Ghost made it up.
Troia somewhat disconcerted by appearance of ManMan, the chappie who’s carrying Knifey around these days. Said was amazing coincidence he should show up at nightclub where she was. ManMan pointed to attractive young lady dancing in circle of light and of admiring young men and pointed out was not his fault as Probability Dancer at work.
Rather enjoyed my tango with Lisa. Certainly brought back memories.
Warned by Asil that it was now time for karaoke. Said that I’d taken on fiendish oriental martial artists before in my time and could do so again. Asil explained that karaoke is singing along to an accompaniment. Called it singing in my day. Asil said only danger was NTU-150 was fixing up karaoke machine, and therefore danger of dimensional transportation or thermonuclear blast.
To my surprise Donar was first fellow to sing. Deciding not to do “Feelings” as was offered, he rendered a jolly Viking ditty apparently called “Cleave thy enemies and loot their homes and carry their women away.” Catchy. Ethnic. Then somewhat surprising rendition of selection from grease by Hatman and Sorceress, followed by Trickshot, ManMan, and Exile doing Twist and Shout. Contributed a round of The British Grenadiers myself, but didn’t seem to go down too well. Then show-stopping unaccompanied piece from Troia in a somewhat Greek-style language I didn’t quite follow, that made us all yearn for a far-off place full of sunsets and dawns and the simplicity of the eternal sea.
Music got slower later on. Noticed Exile and young Valeria dancing, her movement rather stately and formal as if she’d learned them in a distant court. Saw Goldeneyed in plain clothes smooching with Lisette but made special point not to call him Bry. Saw Visionary and Cheryl whispering to each other as they danced quite close, presumably Visionary thanking Cheryl for not making him do the karaoke thing. Then there were Hatman and Sorceress, moving as one, swirling through the crowds as if they were in a world of their own. Nice Fred Astaire hat on Hatman, by the way.
Had brief chat with CrazySugarFreakBoy! who was complaining that this was the time super-villains traditionally attack and he was disgusted that not one single enemy had bothered to turn up. Suggested he might have a word with that Probability Dancer and she what she could do.
And so back to the Lair Mansion and a brief struggle with the stunners, a cocoa, and so to bed. All in all an interesting day out, although I still don’t understand why people need those giant polystyrene hands.