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#328: Untold Tales of the Parodyverse: On The Unwelcome Attentions of the Living Death that Sucks - Complete |
#328: Untold Tales of the Parodyverse: On The Unwelcome Attentions of the Living Death that Sucks
Go straight to Part One: On the News of Galactivac's Appearance
Go straight to Part Two: On Visiting the Living Death That Sucks
Go straight to Part Three: On the Lack of Vision
Go straight to Part Four: On Seeking an Audience With Galactivac
Go straight to Part Five: On The Future of Caph
Go straight to Part Six: On Things That Suck
Go straight to Part Seven: On Conclusions
Previously: The lush distant world of Caph was saved from tyranny by the rightful Emir Prince Kiivan and his best-beloved, Ohanna of Raael, with the assistance of young heroes from Earth. Now, as Visionary collects his students and returns long-exiled Caphans to their home, and as the new rulers seek to forge a fairer, better world, plots arise to murder Kiivan’s closest advisors and allies. But worse even than this, foreseen only by outlawed seer Vespiir, Caph faces imminent destruction from Galactivac, the Living Death That Sucks.
It seems that the happy ending is over, and only death remains…
UT #325: On the Return of the Juniors (and On the Return of Caph)
UT #326: On Things (and People) That Go Bump In The Night
UT #327: On Affairs of State and the State of Affairs
Characters in this story outlines in the Cast List
Situation overview in A Caph Recap
Glossary of Caphan terms in The Caph Lexicon
Previous chapters at The Hooded Hood's Homepage of Doom.
Descriptions of our regular cast at Who's Who in the Parodyverse.
Locations explained in Where's Where in the Parodyverse.
***
On the News of Galactivac’s Appearance
“It is a sign,” cried Serooq, High Priest of Raathi. “We have sinned, and the curse of Zaahir is upon us!” He pointed at Ohanna. “This is what comes of allowing slaves to leave their proper station.”
“No, what happens is if you do not get that finger out of my face you get a broken wrist,” the Emir’s fiancée replied.
The skies of Caph were made dark with the vast bulk of Galactivac’s hoovership. The Living Death That Sucks travelled the Parodyverse devouring the life force of whole planets to slake his terrible appetites.
“No,” whispered Hacker Nine, his face drained of blood, as he looked up at the writhing nozzles moving into position. “I caused this. It was the Hooded Hood’s plan, a trap for the Parody Master. I set this up.”
“Actually it was me,” confessed Kerry Shepherdson. “I got probability powers off Dancer. She’s a herald of Galactivac. Her greatest power – apart from annoying the hell out of people when they simply borrow her underwear for essential scientific experiments about the flammability of silk – is to summon that thing. And I got tricked into using it.” She looked around wildly. “After all this time, I’ve finally killed a planet.”
“You can’t blame yourself, Firecracker,” Danny Lyle tried to convince her, holding her in his arms. “It was a set up, like Zelnitz said. The trap’s just misfired, that’s all. Instead of weakening the Parody Master it’s going to wipe out everyone else.”
There was panic in the court of the Emir. Slaves began to weep and scream. Some of the nobles joined them.
“Enough,” barked Prince Kiivan, ruler of the planet. “This caterwauling is ridiculous, and unfitting to the elite of Caph. Either act like nobles and slaves of breeding or go hide in the kroth barns with the field eunuchs and uglydrudges!”
“We have to leave,” decided Chauncy DeVeux, would-be Earth ambassador, staring up at the unimaginably large vessel moving above them. “That portal those EEE freaks set up, we can activate the return gate.”
“First thing Galactivac does when he moves into a planetary system is block all forms of planar transit out,” Kit Kipling lectured. “Doesn’t do to let your dinner wriggle away.” He looked again at Ambassador DeVeux. “Or slither away,” he added.
“He’s jamming off-planet communications as well,” Glitch the comms autobot reported. “We can’t send for help.”
“Because there are so many people who can chase off the Living Death That Sucks,” snorted Fashion Accessory.
“So why aren’t we doing that panicking thing again?” demanded Falconne.
“Because we are the heroes,” barked Glory, the mutt of might. “It is our job to save everyone!”
Kid Produce looked up at the bulk that now brought darkness worse than midnight to the streets of Alcaphia, and a thin smile crossed his lips. “Jackie, baby, I’m coming to you.”
“We wilt struggle with yon planet eater for the nonce!” announced Harlagaz Donarson. “Doth anyone have a goat chariot I might borroweth?”
“There’s no struggling with something like that,” argued Prince Laartros of Lartroon. “The only possible course is to take ship and flee.”
“It worked well for you during the Thonnagarian invasion,” Vaahir of Viigo agreed with a cold contempt on his face. “But I doubt vessels will be permitted to leave this world now. The devourer is thorough in his appetites.”
“You have to talk to the people, Kiivan,” Ohanna told the Emir. “All of Caph is looking to you. Again. You have to reassure them.”
“Reassure them of what?” the new-crowned ruler glanced up to the doom-filled heavens. “What am I expected to do about that, Anna?”
“You have to have a plan,” the girl told him. “It’s your job now.”
Herbert P Garrick stabbed a finger at Visionary. “You’re supposed to be a super-hero, aren’t you?” he demanded. “You and those brats you train. So why don’t you do something to save the day?”
Vizh winced, and not just because of the poke. “We didn’t get to the bit on the syllabus about stopping Galactivac,” he admitted. “I guess we’ll have to improvise.”
“That was going to be my plan,” admitted Kiivan. As to how… clearly we need to either deflect, deceive, or defeat the Living Death That Sucks. What means have we of doing those?”
“I don’t suppose you have any more of those Sir Mumphrey time-shifts?” asked Miiri hopefully.
The Emir shook his head. “I believe we are now forced to depend upon Caph’s own resourcefulness, and upon the aid of our friends.”
“You got it,” Ham Boy assured him. “But what can we do?”
“There was a device,” barked Glory. “A cosmic artefact designed to halt the Living Death That Sucks. It was called the Galactic Nobbler.”
“That would stop him,” agreed Ohanna. “If it indeed nobbles.”
“That’s the old school traditional way of stopping him!” Glitch approved, her orange and green chassis glowing brightly with enthusiasm. “Where do we get one of these doohickeys?”
Fashion Accessory shuddered. “Is it by any chance hidden up in that planet-sized vacuum ship?” she guessed.
“I kind of thought the Nobbler got melted down in the Parody Master’s Infinity Forge,” worried Danny Lyle. “But I might be wrong.”
“If it wasn’t though, if we could get it,” Kerry breathed in reverent awe, “the size of that explosion…”
“The idea’s to just use it to threaten the big G,” Fashion Accessory told her quickly. “Not to actually, you know, blow apart a quarter of the universe?”
“Maybe,” pouted the probability arsonist.
“So Kes is on a different team from the one that looks for the Nobbler,” insisted HB.
“We have teams now?” Falconne asked in surprise. “There’s a plan?”
“Not yet,” Danny replied. “Vizh just hasn’t told us it.” He smiled villainously. “What is the plan, o glorious leader?”
“So if the planet being destroyed is a sign of Zaahir’s wrath at the reforms Prince Kiivan has made,” Miiri said thoughtfully, “that means if Caph is saved it’s a sign he actually approves of them.” She looked over at the High Priest of Raathi. “Right?”
“I do not speak to evok-hai” spat Serooq.
“She’s not one, though,” Shazana Pel noted, moving over to get in the High Priest’s face. “She’s a free woman. Which means if you insult her she can challenge you like a man would, and beat the living crap out of you.”
“The person of a priest of Raathi is sacred,” Serooq insisted. “No man may harm him.”
“She’s not a man,” Ohanna pointed out. “You might want to go sit quietly over there, your holiness.”
“You might want to behave before your betters, wench!” snapped Troovis of Troovis.
Prince Kiivan hammered the nobleman to the ground before anyone else could react. “And you might want to recall that the penalty for treason is death, you miserable worm!” snarled the Emir of All Caph. His forced his hands away from Troovis’ throat and hurled the man at Guard Captain Jaan. “Take this worthless fool away. I’ll judge him when there’s less important things to cope with.” Kiivan glared round at the shocked and frightened court. “Anyone else want to say anything to or about the woman I love?” he demanded. He glared at Serooq and Laartros. “Anyone?”
“I don’t want to interrupt,” Hacker Nine ventured, “but records indicate those vacuum nozzles have a set-up cycle of between two and four hours. If we’re going to do something it has to be fairly fast.”
“I hate to ask this,” Vizh sighed, trying to keep the words ‘little punk’ from passing his lips, “but can you hack that vessel?”
H9 looked embarrassed. “He’s got firewalls like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe if I could get inside, with Glitch to act as a conduit…”
“It seems like the answers all lie aboard that vessel,” decided Shazana Pel. “We must therefore invade it and do what we must.”
“Wrestle yon Galactivac?” asked Gaz hopefully.
“I guess we could at least try to talk to him,” sighed Vizh.
“Well, you are a diplomat now,” Miiri encouraged him.
“It’s what Dancer would do,” said Kerry, with a shudder. “And hey, I’m almost a herald of his, right? I could tell him it was a false alarm, that he’s got the wrong address.”
“Getting to that vacuumship won’t be easy,” predicted Captain Courageous. “Even with the Heralds seemingly absent after our last fight with them there are all kinds of other defences on that vessel.”
“That is what we have been training for!” barked Glory. “Now we must protect and serve!”
“Does this mean we get another reward?” checked Falconne. “One that Visionary doesn’t give away?”
“I have a fast Skree cruiser that we can use to approach the craft,” Vaahir announced. “Let us prepare it for launch at once.”
“So Plan A is to talk to Galactivac,” summarised Fashion Accessory. “And Plan B is to find this Galactic Nobbler and threaten him with it? Those are our plans? Really?”
“Don’t forget Plan C,” Kid Produce added. “Get to the vacuum-ship without getting blown to pieces in the first place and get past Galactivac’s unstoppable defences.”
“Most verily,” approved Harlagaz happily.
“Those are the plans, yes,” sighed Visionary. “Also include the Plan D ‘don’t die’ plan as well, please.”
“I shall speak to Caph, then,” Prince Kiivan told Ohanna. “And tell them there is one last hope.”
“Is that us?” worried Ham-Boy. “Oh drat.”
***
On Visiting The Living Death That Sucks
The Skree fast cruiser rose from the planet’s surface and powered its way towards Galactivac’s vacuum-ship. It jinked around the dimensional mines and surfed skilfully past the gravity shear that prevented the world-sized vessel of doom from affecting the orbits of the celestial bodies around it. Well-placed forward laser blasts cut a swath through the security drones that peeled off the skin of the vacuum-ship in ever increasing numbers.
“What are those things?” complained Falconne. “They’re kind of like humanoid dandruff, shedding from the walls!”
“Bio-drones,” Hacker Nine told her. “Automated defence systems, like antibodies. But isn’t it amazing how they just generate from the plasmic matter of the ship’s shell?”
“They art not so tough,” muttered Harlagaz, miffed because he wasn’t allowed into the void of space to fight them.
“They’re really ugly,” opined Fashion Accessory. “See those lumpy orange designs? No sense of form or proportion, no aesthetic at all. Eew.”
“But there are an awful lot of them,” Ham-Boy pointed out. “I’m guessing Galactivac doesn’t like visitors.”
“How did the LL get aboard his ship last time?” Kid Produce checked. “Will that trick work twice?”
“The Legion never got onto Galactivac’s hoover-ship,” Glory reported. “Nobody ever has, as far as we know.”
“Ah,” sighed Danny, as he denied the disintegrator pulses emanating from defence nodes along the hull of the massive craft, “It’s good to know we’re only having to do something nobody else in the history of the Parodyverse has succeeded at.”
“We have a world to save,” Kip told them, his jaw even squarer than usual. ”It has to be done.”
“Yeah,” agreed Kerry. “Think about the bragging rights.”
Glitch said nothing. She was listening.
The Skree cruiser swerved hard to avoid the first of the matter-ripper bolts, then undertook an increasingly complicated set of direction changes as the bolt emitters analysed their target’s capacity and strategy.
“These things learn fast,” noted Shazana Pel with a reluctant admiration. “Most drone offences can’t react and improve this fast. These things anticipate. They have imagination.”
“Good to know that my ship’s going to be annihilated by the very best automated systems,” said Vaahir, struggling with the flight controls.
“Just a bit longer,” Hacker Nine encouraged him. “We’re doing well. It’s only a matter of time before…”
There was a greater ripple on the surface of the vacuum-ship and a large chunky humanoid with bulldozer jaws teleported into existence.
“A Chomper!” Visionary recognised. “They’re kind of like Galactivac’s guard dogs.”
“They are not very good dogs,” Glory insisted.
“A Chomper?” complained FA. “The ultimate guard robot killing machine, assembled to order and given nigh-infinite power and they’re called Chompers?”
“Well, Yo named them,” Vizh apologised. “He wanted to call them Cutie-jaws but Jarvis vetoed that.”
“It’s fast!” Kip yelped as the Chomper covered the distance between vacuum-ship and cruiser with one sudden leap in less than a second. The Skree vessel veered as the massive killing machine impacted with it. “Extremely fast.”
“I couldst take it,” Gaz insisted. “Mayhap if I wert to let it eateth me and battle mine way from the inside out?”
“Hull defences aren’t even scratching it,” Vaahir reported. “It’ll be inside in a moment. I’m pointing the ship right at Galactivac’s vessel. Ramming speed.”
The Skree cruiser shuddered again as the Chomper buried his way towards the nuclear power core. Vahiir stoked up the engines and aimed the ship and pushed it up to near-light speed.
“It’s inside!” squeaked Falconne. “That Chomper thing’s tearing through solid metal like it was tissue paper!”
“Tis no big deal,” sulked Gaz. “I couldst eateth a star ship if I wanted to. With mayo.”
The cruiser closed on the vacuum-ship. It almost made it to the hull before the Chomper bit through its engine casings and detonated the craft in a nuclear blast.
Then there was nothing but debris burning in the void of space, and then there was nothing. The Chomper still moved cautiously around the area to check that there were no survivors.
“Ouch,” said Ham-Boy. “I’m glad we were piloting that ship by remote control.” He and the others were watching events from the main stage of Mircandalee Tremensalor’s Travelling Vaudeville ship, the refurbished former Parody Master warship.
“But it was worth it,” Glitch said suddenly, perking up and grinning. “I totally picked up the coded frequency that the big G used to teleport that Chomper through the hull of his craft. When he pulls it back inside I reckon we can piggy-back on that signal and use Mircandalee’s teleporter to slip inside with him.”
“So we couldn’t just fire up this former Parody Master warship and blow the thing to Hades?” checked Kid Produce.
“Two problems with that,” Mircandalee admitted. “First, this ship is held in place by Galactivac’s ship like all other vessels in near-Caph orbit at the time he appeared. Second, I got rid of all the offensive weaponry. Audience worlds tend to get nervous when big spaceships carrying enough transnuclear arms to crack their planet apart appear in their skies. It’s bad for business.” The young auteur thought again. “Besides, I tend to get upset with bad reviews, so it was best not to leave temptation in my way.”
“It looks like the Chomper’s finishing his search,” Kip called. “Zack, are you ready?”
“To hack Galactivac’s teleport signal? Oh, this is so going to be in my memoir blog.”
A thought occurred to Pel. “When we arrive within, will we not be at wherever that Chomper was sent?”
“Um, yes,” agreed Glitch.
“Most excellent,” approved Harlagaz. “Yon plan ist getting better.”
“He’s going now!” barked Glory. “It’s time!”
Hacker Nine pushed the big red button.
***
On the Lack of Vision
“The Juniors have gone,” Ohanna reported, turning from Mircandalee’s crackly comm-link. Behind her a discreet serving slave hurriedly exchanged her empty cup for a full one and slipped away. Oloora wasn’t feeling too well and the sudden crisis meant that she had not yet managed to carry out holy Serooq’s orders concerning Lords Vaahir and Viisionary.
“Then we can only wait,” declared Prince Kiivan. “The future of Caph – any future of Caph – depends on them now.
Miiri wasn’t willing to just stand and wait. The Thonnagarian captives had been cleared from the court but three miserable prisoners still crouched waiting for the Emir’s attention. One looked in a bad way.
“Are you in need of aid, sisters?” she asked Koodi, Vespiir, and Kriije. She noticed a blossoming green stain on Kriije’s bandages where a recent beating had cracked open her stitches.
“You cannot aid me,” Vespiir warned her urgently, pointing at the ugly disfigurement on her forehead. “I am cast out!”
“I am a free woman,” Miiri replied to her. “I can aid whom I please.” She gestured for Deeela to join her.
“We didn’t mean to do wrong!” Koodi wailed. “We just wanted to save the Emir!”
All the court’s attention was on the flickering viewscreen to Mircandalee’s ship, waiting for whatever word came from the heroes who had gone forth from it. Nobody was really paying any attention to the wailings of a captured drudge at the far end of the room.
“Save the Emir how?” challenged Deeela. “By robbing him of the sacred treasures of Caph?”
“If I had sought to steal the treasures then I would have done,” snorted Kriije disdainfully, gritting her teeth to withstand her pain. “We gained the vault, did we not, a drudge and an outcast and one wounded leman? Do you think we couldn’t have escaped the way we came if we hadn’t wanted to be caught?”
“You chose to be beaten to a pulp and dragged before the Caliphate Court?” Miiri asked sceptically, but as she spoke her hands were checking Kriije’s injuries and staunching her reopened wounds with the help of some ceremonial scarves.
“I hadn’t counted on the beating part,” the leman admitted. “I’d underestimated how much people hated Prince Aarmus, and I was his chattel. I’d have taken down more of them than I did, except that your sister planted a houri dagger into my chest less than a relative day ago.”
“So you know who I am,” Miiri of Earth surmised. “And you must be Kriije.”
“She is, mistress,” agreed Koodi, not daring to look at the valuable women of legend who were tending to them. “And I am Koodi of Jathaar. And this was Vespiir, back when she was allowed a name.”
“If you weren’t stealing, why were you in the vault?” wondered Deeela. It was such an unlikely combination of people in such an unlikely place. She sensed a story there.
“We sought the vision stones of Xindii,” confessed Vespiir in a whisper. “They are said to magnify the sight of things far off, to help a seer see what would otherwise be clouded.”
“And we got to them,” Kriije spat. “I should have expected that a seer still wouldn’t be able to predict the future in any way clear enough to be the slightest bit of use. Stupid of me. I deserved to be beaten.”
“Why would you want the Xindii Stones?” Miiri asked, puzzled by the leman’s words. “Are you working for some Master who has a gift of sight?”
Vespiir closed her eyes. “It was me,” she admitted. “I have… I see things. That is why I was cast out.”
A cold shudder ran through Miiri. “You see? And for that they made you evok-hai? For that?”
Vespiir nodded miserably. Her eyes were red with crying. Now she expected death.
“What did you see?” demanded Deeela. “What vision? You said you came to save the Emir.”
The seeress did not answer, but Kriije did. “She saw hungry death, vast and unstoppable in the skies. And guess what?” The leman gestured upwards.
“You foresaw this?” Deeela wondered.
“She could easily be lying,” Miiri warned. “Kriije is good at that.”
“But she did see it!” Koodi protested, her untutored body language affirming her words. “That is why I brought her from the kroth barn, why we ran away to the palace to find Lady Kriije! We just w-wanted to s-save Prince Kiivan!”
Miiri and Deela exchanged looks. “I will speak to my sister,” Miiri said at last.
Vespiir looked over at the distant Lady Ohanna. Then she shrieked and leaped up. The guards were taken by surprise, and had the seeress not been shackled hand and foot she might even have got away. “No!” Vespiir shrieked at Ohanna, loud enough that her voice echoes around the entire court. “Don’t drink that! It is poisoned!”
The guards clubbed the prisoner down.
Ohanna froze with a goblet at her mouth. Her lips were wet.
“Hold!” shouted Kiivan, turning to the captives. “Let her speak. What is this?”
“Toxin scanner, this way,” commanded Losiira to the tech-slaves. “Right now.”
“I feel fine,” Ohanna promised. “Miiri, what’s going on?”
“This outcast claims she has the sight,” Ohanna’s sister replied. “And she seems to think that your cup contains venom.”
A tech-slave hurried forward with an offworld sensor wand. “The goblet reads negative, mistress,” she reported to Losiira.
“Check me too,” ordered Ohanna.
The wand made an ugly rasping noise at her stomach.
“Bring healers now!” ordered Kiivan. “Nobody else leaves this room!”
“Where’s Oloora?” demanded Losiira. “She was serving the guests, was she not? Bring her to me.”
“What is all this?” demanded Serooq, high priest of Raathi. “Have we not enough distractions while the life of our world hangs in the balance without wasting time on the vaporings of an outcast?”
Vespiir had an ugly bruise across her cheek and a new cut on the side of her head, but she was conscious enough to look up. She pointed to the high priest. “He did it!” she told. “He instructed the slave to poison Ohanna. And to poison Lord Viisionary and Lord Vaahir. Two sachets. I can see it!”
“Blasphemy!” thundered Serooq. “Silence that wench!”
“I command here,” Kiivan overrode him. “If any are silent now it will be you, priest of Raathi. I will have the truth of this.”
Ohanna moved over to the prisoners, followed by anxious healers with scanners. “What’s this all about, Kriije?” she enquired.
“This is new to me,” the leman replied. “I was just dragged along to try and save that prince of yours, and maybe my own skin since I happen to be on this planet that’s about to be eaten. The girl does have some sight, though. She proved that to me before I agreed to join her mad quest.”
“P-please, Lady Ohanna,” Koodi begged, clutching the lady’s knees, “you have to believe Vespiir. You can… you can cast me out if you have to, but let her save the Prince. And you.”
“I have readings on the toxin,” reported the healer-slave. “It is a rare offworld poison designed to resist standard bioscans, delivered in two discrete packages which only become lethal when combined together and with gastric juices. Very clever.”
“Ohanna is poisoned?” Kiivan gasped, going pale.
“I’m poisoned?” Ohanna echoed. The room suddenly seemed to spin. Miiri caught her and held her up.
Kiivan span round and caught Serooq by the throat. “Ohanna is poisoned,” he accused.
“Your excellency, you cannot believe the word of a nomead-possessed outcast over the high priest of Raathi!” protested the surprised cleric.
“Swear then,” Kiivan demanded of him. “Swear by Raathi and Zaahir that you had no part in this.”
The colour drained from Serooq’s face. “I… I… My prince…”
Ohanna toppled to the floor.
Prince Laartroon of Laatros was no longer restrained by the Jaan, Captain of the Eunuch Gard. He slipped his plas gar from its sheath and nodded for his allies to do the same. “Prince Kiivan, I do not believe that a man who mishandles the high priest of Raathi to be a fit Emir of All Caph. Your reign ends here… and mine begins.”
Lartroon’s pleasure slaves positioned by the doors activated the force fields concealed in their jewellery to exclude the guards from the courtroom. Half the men present – for the most part the half that had come armed – drew their weapons to support Lartroon. So did Jaal and his hand-picked officers.
“You do not have your offworld thugs to hide behind now, Kiivan,” the prince of Laatros declared. “Nor your butcher Vaahir. You are alone.”
The Emir of All Caph unsheathed the Honour Sword of Gaath. He was badly outnumbered.
“Not alone,” answered Losiira of Kiivan. She slid her houri blades from their places of concealment and stood beside her lord. “He has us.”
One by one they moved to flank the Emir of All Caph: Deela, Sayaana, and Philaana, daughters of Chieftain Ytirar by Iliia the Fair, Noona and Odoona of Portaa, Losiira of the Nine Songs, Miiri, daughter of Prince Kiivas out of Ekooria of Damaar, Luuma Swiftheels, and Kaara of Jaaxa, beloved of Lord Vaahir. After a moment’s pause so did Koodi of Jathaar.
Lartroon laughed. “Slaughter them all.”
***
On Seeking an Audience with Galactivac
The vacuum-ship of Galactivac was vast beyond comprehension, with open spaces bigger than continents and folding into other dimensions. It was made of plexiglass and metal, but also of light and concept and other things that humans could not even begin to understand. The ribbed architecture did resemble the inside of a Hoover though.
The interior was also quite dark. The lights throbbing like veins in the walls were dimmed. Galactivac had exhausted almost all his energy battling the Parody Master. Now he needed food.
The Lair Legion appeared on a smaller platform, linked via strange transparent concertinaed tubes to thousands more. In the centre of the circular space was a transport pad, and in the centre of the transport pad was the Crusher. And the Crusher had been designed to repel intruders up to (but not including) Celestians.
“Bringeth it on!” offered Harlagaz.
The crude metal shape came forward awfully fast, but skidded on an unexpectedly slippery pile of mincemeat. Gaz caught it by the neck and slammed it to the ground.
“We’ve got this,” Vaahir called to Visionary. “Take who you need and go!”
“Kerry, Zack, Glitch, Lindy, with me,” the possibly-fake man called urgently. “Everybody else try and keep that thing busy. Don’t try and beat it, because I don’t think that’s possible. Just keep it distracted. And don’t die.”
“We will do our best,” barked Glory, running in to worry the Crusher like a rat.
The Crusher adjusted his attack, sending cosmic energies searing through his shell into the mutt of might and burning away the slippery meat at his feet before turning to attack again.
“Go, then,” Captain Courageous called, narrowly avoiding a slicing blow and knowing that the Crusher would compensate for his dexterity next time. “You might want to hurry!”
***
“Kerry we need to talk to Galactivac,” Visionary called out as they ran through the swaying plastic connection tubes. “Can you sense where we need to go?”
“The bathroom?” suggested Hacker Nine.
“Not yet,” the probability arsonist answered Vizh. “It’s like he’s everywhere. He’s too loud to pinpoint.”
Falconne looked round. “This place is so big that if we had to search it our grandchildren would still be looking.”
“Up there,” pointed Glitch. “See those shiny cobweb things? I think they might be neural logic nodes – computer systems. If we can get to them…”
“Computers…” breathed Hacker Nine. “Galactivac’s computers…”
The glimmering network that Glitch had detected was outside the translucent hemisphere that currently held the intruders. Kerry touched the wall and a big hole melted in the side. There was a stench of burning metaplastic.
“Can you fly me up there?” H9 asked Falconne urgently.
“I guess,” agreed Lindy. “But do I have to touch you?”
“Quickly,” Vizh urged. “We have people fighting for their lives back there.”
“Go!” called Glitch. “I can get there under my own power.”
In the distance a swarm of repair wasps sensed the damage to the synthiglass and buzzed over to investigate.
“Time to move,” Vizh told Kerry. “Fast.”
“Nah, it’s okay, Fake-o” the probability arsonist told her adopted brother. “They’re heading to where the explosion was. There’s an easy way to distract them.” She grinned and screwed up her eyes. A series of detonations echoed around the vast interior, accompanied by plumes of flame: five, ten, twenty, fifty…
Falconne grabbed Hacker Nine by the scruff of the neck. Glitch just transformed to her autobot cycle shape and jumped. They made for the glistening dataweb.
“We still need to keep moving,” Vizh told Kerry.
The girl followed his stare to where another fifty swarms of repair wasps were spawning and coming to investigate the malfunctions. “Oh crap…”
***
“Oh crap,” said Kid Produce as the Crusher bit off Harlagaz’ arm and swallowed it.
“Never happened” denied Danny, making it so. He was breathing hard. Blatant denials took a lot out of him.
Vaahir of Viigo dived into close mêlée, his honour blade scoring sparks from the killer robot’s hide. As the Crusher electrified its shell and hurled him aside Shazana Pel dived close to embed a sickle into the machine’s back with a velocity of around 14G. Vaahir and Pel had fought alongside each other before. The Crusher seemed not to notice the damage.
“Keep trying!” Glory yapped, darting in with a deep canine instinct to attack the back of the Crusher’s legs while he was distracted elsewhere. “He learns very fast so keep trying new attacks.”
“He’s tearing through everything I wrap round him!” complained Fashion Accessory. “There’s some kind of force-field stopping me from packing his insides with alpaca.”
“Or squash and mash,” added Kid Produce. He scored his cucumber sword across the surface of the Crusher’s skin but it made very little impression.
“Keep the battle mobile,” Kip called to the others. “Make it chase us. Get to the next node. Try and find some territory we can use against it!”
Vaahir game in once more, his plas-gar sword squealing as it burned off its stored energies and sliced across the Crusher’s optical receptors. But the robot had already learned of Vaahir’s battle-savvy and dexterity. It churned up the dull silver floor beneath the warlord, rending the base of the dome open and dropping the Caphan through the gaping hole.
“On him,” called Pel, slicing at the Crusher with her wingtips as a diversion before dropping through the tear to intercept Vaahir.
“It can’t catch us” Danny shouted, trying not to choke on his own words.
“Everyone aside!” called Ham-Boy as they raced into the nearest connection tube. A great wave of raw meat slammed out from him, engulfing the Crusher, pushing it back.
“And keep moving,” FA added, shifting her high heels to something better suited for track.
The young heroes raced down the swaying transparent hose towards the next football-field-sized hemisphere node.
The Crusher burned through the wall of meat restraining it and came after them.
“Remind me again why I joined this class,” Samantha demanded as the killer drone closed the distance between them.
“I can stop it!” Kid Produce called. He hurled a handful of pineapple bombs down the tube, bursting the pipe so it drifted free. There was no gravity as such outside that generated by the tubes and domes themselves, and like the breathable atmosphere that was only a convenience for maintenance work.
The Crusher propelled itself through the air and continued to follow them.
“Or maybe I can’t stop it,” KP corrected himself. “Damn.”
“Leteth it come,” growled Harlagaz, unfazed by his recent reversed limb loss.
“If I can just get to its throat I might be able to rip out some key control wires,” speculated Glory. “Although probably not, as it seems remarkably well designed. Much better than humans.”
The young people raced onto the next platform.
“Oh crap,” said Kid Produce again.
The next Crusher that was dormant on the transport pad in this area woke to life and detected intruders.
***
The repair wasps swarmed into the dataweb and diagnosed the problem as vermin in the system.
“Okay, I hate insects,” Falconne declared, unshipping the onboard arsenal in her flying suit. “How do you guys drag me into stuff like this.”
“Good, isn’t it?” enthused Glitch, jamming the local comms frequency that co-ordinated the insects so they didn’t recognise each other as friendlies. “Sort of like Fantastic Journey meets the invasion of the Death Star. Dah-dah-dah dah-de-dah dah-de-dah…”
“This network is amazing,” admired Hacker Nine. “I’m having to invent new ways of interfacing with it just to get a handshake. This is mind-blowingly fantastic.”
“So will the ass-kicking I give you be if you don’t get a grip and stop us all getting killed, Zachary Zelnitz!” warned Lindy Wilson as she peeled away the last of her air-to-air mini-missiles. “Fast!”
“Boy, these things are quick learners,” noted Glitch as the swarms rotated and encrypted their co-ordination frequencies. “Things are about to get a bit end-of-Serenity guys!”
The repair drones swarmed in, a hundred, a thousand, ten thousand.
***
“Stop running!” called Vizh, stopping to lean his hands on his knees and pant.
“No way. Those things are starting to be fireproof,” Kerry Shepherdson observed. “Just because you’re having trouble dragging your lardy cruller-paunch…”
“Not that,” Vizh gasped. “This isn’t working.”
Kerry looked stricken even as she detonated the next swarm of repair drones that located them. “So what are you saying? That now you’ve got Mags and Griff you don’t need me clogging up your perfect happy household? Well I’ve got news for you, you useless fake dweeboid, I was planning on moving out anyhow so it doesn’t matter what you think of me! So there!” Another nearby platform splintered into angry molten shards.
“Actually, I meant the run-and-hope-we-bump-into-Galactivac plan wasn’t working,” Vizh answered. “What do you mean you’re moving out?”
“Oh. Yeah, well that’s what I meant too, obviously.”
“Kerry, I’ve been worrying ever since you started dating that Danny Lyle that we’ve been growing apart. You’re hardly ever home, we hardly ever talk. You don’t even bother to booby-trap my stuff as much as you used to.”
The probability arsonist detonated another array of nodes. She reasoned that the vacuum-ship had to run out of repair drones eventually. “Is this really the time for the big heart-to-heart though?” she asked. “I mean, it’s not like it matters, what you think about me. I don’t care if you don’t want me any more.”
“Of course I want you, Kerry. And not just me. Magweed and Griffin adore their aunt. When I got home with them I was dying to introduce them to you. I’d bought new extinguishers and everything. Sure, things are different now. You’re growing up, much as I hate to admit it. But how I love you, how you fit into my world and me into yours, that never has to change. You know that, right?”
Kerry shrugged. “I guess you’re such a loser it wouldn’t be fair for me to ditch you yet,” she conceded. Then she hugged him.
“And back to stopping all the Juniors dying,” Vizh prompted, “Like I said, I don’t think running and searching is the way to go. After all, from what I understand, this whole problem was caused when you used a power you have…”
“I never meant to do it. Danny was going to die, you see, and…”
“The power to summon Galactivac?” Vizh reminded her.
“Ah. Right. Gotcha. Yes.” Kerry concentrated. “Hey, you big sucker! Get your hungry ass over here. Right now!”
***
“Have you cracked that system yet?” Lindy asked desperately. They were corned in a comms sheath that meant the wasps could only come at them from one direction. She was out of ammo and her harness was on emergency power. Glitch was moving slower too, the glow of her bodywork dimmed so she was hardly visible in the shadow of so many repair wasps. The fight would not last much longer.
“I’ve got some access,” agreed Hacker Nine, “but nothing to tell me where we can find the Galactic Nobbler. I’m not even sure it’s aboard this ship.”
Glitch began to sing Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head, as performed in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. It seemed appropriate.
***
Pel swooped gracefully through the zero-G environment and retrieved Vaahir from free-fall. “You should have stayed with the children,” the warlord chided her. “They need you.”
“If they are warriors they will survive,” Pel told him. The unspoken implication was that if they weren’t warriors their survival was unimportant anyway. “The whole battle is merely a diversion anyway, a means of occupying Galactivac’s sentinels while others seek our true goal.”
“You are suggesting that we should devise other diversions to present a wider range of distractions,” Vaahir understood. He looked at the bewildering array of tubes and globes that stretched on further then the eye could see. “Yes, let us destroy something.”
“Any special ideas?” Pel asked.
“Yes,” answered the Warlord of Caph. “All of this apparatus is in zero-Z” he looked at the wielder of the gravity-manipulating z-alloy. “What if it wasn’t?”
***
“I just want to say that it has been an honour and a pleasure serving with you,” Kit Kipling told the others as the two Crushers cornered them.
“I just want to say I’m sorry I never asked you for a date, FA,” Ham-Boy confessed.
“Oh, that’s sweet, HB,” Fashion Accessory told him. “And if I’d known we were going to die like this on a spaceship trying to save some alien world that nobody’s ever heard of I probably wouldn’t have slammed you down quite so hard if you did.”
“I’m sorry we didn’t die before all of this mushy crap,” Kid Produce added.
“We art not dead yet,” Harlagaz insisted. “Someone wouldst have told me if I wert, right? Preferably a hot blonde valkyrie with a bottle of body-rub.”
“Everybody get ready,” Glory told them, her hackles high on her back. “They’ve analysed the situation and co-ordinated their attack patterns. Here they come.”
***
Galactivac, the Living Death That Sucks, felt the call distracting him from his preparation for feeding. His consciousness flickered over his vessel, seeking out the anomalies he detected there: a pseudo-herald, a former Chronicler of Stories, a host of the Divine Spark, a glimmer of Austernal, a gravity manipulator, a transdimensional artefact, a reality reorderer, an Ausgardian.
He had no time for such things right now. He flexed one massive nozzle and dealt with the problem.
***
On the Future of Caph
“Do you endorse this?” Kiivan demanded.
The high priest of Raathi looked at the armed nobles closing around the Emir and his protectors. “I… why does it matter?”
“For the record, Serooq,” the ruler replied. “These men seek to murder their Emir, to whom they made oaths of fealty this very day. As high priest of Raathi are you with them or against them? Will you stop them or encourage them?”
“He’s with us,” declared Laartroon of Laartos. “He’s the one who organised us to make the challenges this morning.”
“But legitimate challenges,” Serooq clarified. “Not murder.”
“You poisoned Ohanna,” Mirri accused. “How is that different?”
“She is not Emir,” spat the cleric. “She is an evil woman who sought to lead Prince Kiivan from right paths.”
“So you forced a dumb drudge to turn against her Master for you,” scorned Kriije from where she lay holding her wounds. “How holy!”
“I an High Priest of Raathi!” proclaimed Serooq. “I see more than other men. I do what I have to. What I see myself doing.”
“Yes,” agreed Vespiir, staring intensely at the old man. “I’m sorry.” The seeress’ gaze terrified Serooq to the core.
“Speak, priest,” demanded Kiivan. “Either proclaim against these usurpers or give them your blessing and join them in their treason. Which is it?”
Serooq’s face hardened. “Very well then. Things have gone too far to stop them, Prince Kiivan. I declare you no longer fit to rule. You must die.”
Sayaana’s knife flew straight for Serooq’s throat but was turned aside by some unseen force.
“I am High Priest of Raathi,” scorned Serooq. “My powers protect me from any blade.”
Miiri’s Mythlands daggers were enchanted to cut through magics, and poisoned Ohanna was her sister. Her slash took Serooq right in the windpipe. The high priest rasped once, stared at the freewoman with a horrified realisation, then toppled dead.
The whole room erupted into violence as fifty armed men bore down on Kiivan and ten Caphan women.
“You are a drudge,” Noona said to Koodi as the girl fended off a high lord of Caph with an upturned chair, hampered by the chains between her ankles and wrists. “Run and hide from harm.”
“He’s my Prince too,” Koodi replied defiantly, terrified as much by what she was daring as by the men trying to kill her. “I’ll stand by him, as is right.”
Deeela span around and pressed one of her pearl-handled houri daggers into Koodi’s hand. “Then you will need this, sister,” she said simply.
Lartroon came straight at Kiivan. He had nothing more to say to the Emir. He came in for the kill. Troovis of Troovis moved in to try and flank Kiivan but was blocked by Luuma and Odoona.
“I shall cut those whelps from your swollen bellies and feast upon them,” Troovis promised the pregnant Caphans.
Losiira ducked low away from his first slice, then rolled forwards to apply her needle-thin houri dagger with the precision a Caphan pleasure slave was expected to use against raiders who sought to carry her off or harm her children; one sharp thrust to penetrate the scrotum then a hard twist and slash.
“Textbook,” admired Kriije from the floor as Troovis went down screaming.
“Come on!” Lartroon called to his allies. “One man and ten simpering pleasure slaves are all that lies between you and your fortunes! Alcroom! Chaliis! Menooth!”
Alcroom of Alcris and Menooth of Menooth surged forward to join the attack, but Chaliis of Chaliim held back. He’d challenged Kiivan’s right earlier, and had made a fool of himself as usual. But Kiivan hadn’t laughed at him. He’d given him a way out, with some honour.
“I… I am for the Emir!” pronounced Chaliis, drawing his weapon and heading for Menooth “Who is with me?”
It occurred to Miiri as Kiivan’s small retinue was pressed ever back towards the throne that even now the Emir had managed to gain some advantage from the situation. The changes to Caph had fragmented everything again, had turned everything into murky greys. Now Kiivan had once against shifted things to black and white. Everybody had taken a side. Kiivan could never have displaced the High Priest without fomenting rebellion; except that once again all Caph was watching history in the making. All Caph had heard Serooq’s treasonous choice.
Then Sayaana screamed and fell backwards amongst her sisters, her blood on Jaan’s scimitar. As Kaara turned the guard captain’s blade sliced through her shoulder. Koodi tripped in her chains and tumbled over in the press, trampled underfoot. Kiivan diverted his attention from Lartroon for a moment to hurl the Sceptre of Koorvis into the face of the man about to cut down Philaana. Lartroon pushed forward, catching the Emir on the side of his cheek, drawing blood.
“Don’t hurt us!” screeched Chaucy DeVeux as the alien ambassadors were pressed into a corner by the advancing eunuch guard.
“Oh shut up, you dick!” snapped Herbert P. Garrick, his patience finally exhausted. He hammered a fist into the nearest guard, took the man’s sword off him, and hurled it into Jaan’s back. Bad News Herb was, after all, a trained G-Man. Nobody was assassinating a head of state on his watch.
That seemed to be the trigger. Others joined the fight, the House slaves first and then some of the nobles, arming themselves as best they could from the ceremonial arms around the Caliphate Court. Frenzied drudges hurled themselves on noble traitors. Aged mothers waddled forwards with long-disused honour blades. Middle-aged lords stood in the way of lithe trained bravos.
“Not like that,” called Kriije, scornfully. “Take down the lemans who stand by the doors, blocking them with forcefields.”
Somebody heard, and the battle changed.
“The sucking void…” whimpered Vespiir, unheeded. “The end of all…” She crawled over to Ohanna who lay sprawled and pale as the poison did its work. Kiivan’s beloved stopped breathing as she watched.
“The future…” sobbed the seeress. “The future must be changed…” She closed her mouth over Ohanna’s and breathed into her lungs.
Kiivan alone saw what was happening in the midst of the chaos, and his lips drew back into a snarl of fury. He turned back on Laartroon and unleashed long years of pent up anger about his world and his loss. Training from half a dozen warrior worlds blended together as he wielded the Blade of Gaath, and Lartroon suddenly realised that he had made a very poor choice in opposing his Emir.
“You are but a boy,” snarled the lord of Laartros. “A worthless pawn!”
“I am Emir, of the line of Gaath, of the House of Kiivim, of the Children of Korrus, conqueror of the Thonnagarians, liberator of Caph, Caliph hereafter, husband-to-be of Ohanna of Raael by the rites of Earth,” replied Kiivan, his words almost burning the air with their fervour. “And you are dead!”
Laartroon was an excellent swordsman, one of the best on all Caph. Kiivan slammed Gaath’s blade through Laartroon’s chest and cut him almost in half swinging the broadsword free. The traitor fell sprawled across Serooq the high priest, their life’s bloods mingling on the ruined carpet.
***
With Lartroon’s fall the fight went out of the insurgents. As the women blocking the doors fell the palace guards were able to enter. In a very short while every traitor was dead or confined.
“Help me!” called Deela, cradling her blood-covered sister Sayaana in her arms. “She needs help!”
“And Kaara,” called Miiri, pressing the ceremonial cloth from the throne onto the injured girl’s shoulder to staunch the bleeding. “And Luuma and Philaana and Odoona!” Noona was well trained in the healer’s ways. She came over and began what first aid she could on her wounded friends.
“And this drudge child here,” added Deeela, holding Koodi close despite her own wounds. “Help her too.”
“Ohanna!” called Kiivan, dropping Gaath’s sword and racing over to where Vespiir and Kriije attended to his poisoned beloved.
Vespiir clutched at his arm with urgent fingers. “You have to listen to me, excellency. Listen now! In Serooq’s chamber there is a cedarwood box, carved and polished. There is a false bottom to it, a catch carved in the back left hand interior corner. Concealed therein is a potion, the only cure for the poison which is killing Lady Ohanna. You must bring it. It is your only hope!”
The Emir of All Caph did not question the blasphemy of a woman far-seeing. He rose and raced from the court, leaving surprised guards and lemans to hurry after him.
“He will save you,” Vespiir promised Ohanna, stroking her hair. “And that will save him.”
The moment was so intense that nobody noticed at first that the vacuum-ship above had completed its preparations and the nozzles were descending to draw all life from Caph.
***
On Things That Suck
At Galactivac’s gesture the devastation caused by Pel’s gravity pulse ceased. The damage caused by Kerry’s explosions was repaired. Hard firewalls slammed down to lock Glitch and Hacker Nine from the hoovership’s security systems. And every intruding lifeform was teleported to float in a vast dark void filled only by the presence of the Living Death That Sucked himself.
“So we found Galactivac then,” Ham Boy offered.
The champions of Caph dangled in midair, suspended by the will of the devourer of worlds. Harlagaz struggled angrily with his confinement, but no matter how often he headbutted the invisible force restraining him he couldn’t break free.
“Danny?” Kerry called to he boyfriend Denial.
“No denying this one, Firecracker,” he told her. He had a sense of what his powers could accomplish and where they must surely fail. Galactivac was one of the greatest powers of the Parodyverse. Even weak after devastating combat with the Parody Master, the Living Death that Sucked was supreme.
“Galactivac!” called Vaahir of Viigo. “I come as emissary from Kiivan, Emir of All Caph. You threaten the safety, the very future of our home. We must speak with you!”
The Living Death That Sucks turned his attention to making the last connections with his massive vaccumship that would allow him to suck all life from the lush world below. As he had done a million million times before he ignored the pleas of the minor lifeforms that opposed him. Galactivac’s purpose was supreme.
“Do something then!” Falconne shouted at Visionary. “You’re supposed to be the teach! Think of a way to stop him!”
“The big G’s short of power,” Glitch called out. “The lights dimmed when he put right the damage to his ship, and they’re less bright now than when we came aboard. He’s running out of juice!”
“That’s not the argument we want to make when we’re trying to convince him not to absorb Caph IX,” pointed out Kip Kipling.
“Fightest me like a man!” Harlagaz shouted at the vast entity. “Or like, er, a huge shapeless sucking device which hath far too many disturbing nozzles for the nonce!”
“He’s not paying attention,” Hacker Nine warned. “He’s entering the final cycle before he sucks Caph dry!” He closed his eyes in horror. “I’m sorry!”
“If only we could have found the Galactic Nobbler!” barked Glory. “That is the only known way we could have stopped him!”
“The Nobbler?” Glitch enquired, tossing something to Fashion Accessory. “How about this?”
Samantha Bonnington barely caught the object, snatching it up by shifting her ensemble to a wide-sleeved peasant top that could snag the tumbling grey object. “Got it!” FA gasped. She held the squat thumb-shaped device in her hands. “Well what have we got here?”
“The Nobbler?” Kid produce scowled. “Where did we find the Nobbler?”
“More importantly,” Shazana Pel demanded, “how do we use it?”
Denial furrowed his brow in concentration. “Galactivac can’t ignore us now!” he argued.
The Living Death That Sucks paused before pulling the final lever and turned to regard his captives.
“Hey, trash compactor!” Kerry called out as Fashion Accessory held the device out towards the marauder, “Maybe it’s time to play Lets Make a Deal!”
“Galactivac,” Visionary called out, “there’s got to be a way of sorting out our problems that doesn’t involve passing that machine to Kerry. Please.”
Galactivac’s attention washed over the mortals like a tangible thing.
“Deal with us!” Vaahir warned him. “Or we shall deal with you!”
THE GIRL WOULD NOT USE THE NOBBLER The thought was so intense that it burned into the minds of the people hanging in the void.
“He can read our thoughts!” Captain Courageous realised.
“Uh oh,” Falconne shuddered guiltily.
“So he knows I wouldn’t do it,” swallowed Fashion Accessory. “’Kay.” She hurled the device to Vaahir.
Galactivac’s attention burned onto the ultimate weapon in the Caphan Warlord’s hands. Everyone there could feel the device’s danger, its potential to explode. Kerry was staring at it and sweating.
“Read my mind,” Vaahir warned the Living Death that Sucks, “and then see whether I’d use it.”
“Or we could take a vote?” suggested Visionary nervously.
“There are other worlds you could absorb,” Glory yapped to the cosmic being. “Even now, with your energies at low ebb, you could move to some other planetary system and find a world not inhabited by sentient life.”
NO TIME replied Galactivac. He focussed his energies towards Vaahir.
“Don’t,” Glitch warned. “The Nobbler has a dead man’s switch.”
“Make no mistake, killer of worlds,” Pel told Galactivac. “If Caph dies it will be the last world you ever devour.”
Hacker Nine opened his eyes and brushed away tears. “There is a way,” he told everybody. “A way to get the big G to another planet in time. Glitch has all kinds of astrometric data on her hard drive. And I’m a world class hacker. I could locate something near enough to save Galactivac’s life, but somewhere there’s no sentient civilisation.”
“You wouldn’t be able to even start understanding Galactivac’s system parameters and needs,” Kip objected.
Hacker Nine shuddered. “Unless I was his herald,” he replied.
“No!” called out Vizh and Falconne together. Only the possibly fake man added, “We’re not letting that little punk get cosmic power!”
But Glory was reading Zach Zelnitz’ scents and body language. “Zach thinks he is responsible for the trap that brought Galactivac here,” the mutt of might declared. “He thinks he has to make good. He thinks he has to make a sacrifice to do it.”
“Well he doesn’t!” Lindy Wilson cried out. “Tell him, everybody!”
“Or we could just blow everything up,” offered Kerry.
“You heard the hot probability arsonist babe,” Danny called to Galactivac. “Take the deal and let H9 guide you to a different buffet table or get ready for a Galactivac-sized hole in the Parodyverse.”
“Actually the Nobbler would eradicate about a hundred thousand light years in every direction,” footnoted Captain Courageous.
“Live fast, die young,” shrugged Kid Produce.
“Or not,” suggested Ham-Boy. “Come on, Galactivac. Back away from the edge.” He looked nervously at Kerry, KP, Pel, and Vaahir. “Everybody back away from the edge.”
“Galactivac, you’ve always seemed like a major player in the Parodyverse!” Vizh called out. “So you’ve got to know that some of the people here could be major players too. Look at what the Lair Legion’s accomplished in our time, doing things even you weren’t able to. Well these are the next generation, maybe. If they ever get their assignments finished. Even you can’t know what they’ll accomplish, what part they’ll one day play in that great Parodyverse plan you’re serving. Give them a chance.”
“You have five seconds,” added Vaahir of Viigo.
Galactivac paused for four seconds.
THAT IS NOT THE MULTIVERSAL GALACTIC NOBBLER, the Living Death That Sucked thought. And behind that concept telepathically thundered into everybody’s brain there were a multitude of understandings: how Glitch was being a trickster, passing a component of her robot self to Fashion Accessory; how Samantha has used her cosmic transmutation powers to fashion the component to look like the Galactic Nobbler; how Kerry had given it a semblance of the power the Nobbler should radiate and how Danny had Denied that Galactivac could ignore the ruse; how Vaahir believed he held the genuine object and was prepared to use it; how Hacker Nine was willing to give up his life to make good for his failures; how the Juniors’ bluff had failed.
“Busted!” hissed Kid Produce.
“I wilt still wrestle with thee for yon planet,” offered Gaz.
“So wait… that was a fake?” puzzled Ham-Boy.
“I’m real, dammit! Vizh snapped reflexively.
“We were lying to the Living Death that Sucks?” Captain Courageous gasped, appalled. “To a cosmic being?”
“This isn’t the real Nobbler?” Vaahir frowned. “Then what is it?”
“Just a personal recreational item of mine,” grinned Glitch. “My favourite in fact.”
The Warlord of Caph hastily tossed the counterfeit Nobbler back to the fluorescent autobot.
“The deal’s still good,” Danny told Galactivac. “Way better than destroying Caph. H9 could help you a lot and save billions. You don’t want to turn this down.”
“You don’t want my sister to come and talk to you!” Kerry added threateningly.
“I’ll do it,” Zack promised, pleading. “Just spare Caph and spare my friends.”
Galactivac flexed his mighty hoses and his will was manifest. SO BE IT
And then his captives were returned to Alcaphia and his hoovership was gone from Caph’s skies. And so was Hacker Nine.
***
On Conclusions
“Are they going to be alright?” Visionary demanded, pacing outside the healer halls as Losiira emerged with a report on her injured sisters.
“They will recover,” Kiivan’s Housemistress promised the agitated possibly fake man. “Sayaana was injured the most. Only Noona’s prompt action saved her life. But she is recovering now. Luuma, Philaana, Odoona, and Kaara were all injured too, but not so badly. Koodi of Jathaar was trampled but not otherwise harmed. She says she has had worse in the kroth barn.”
“But their injuries,” Vizh fretted. “Caphan pleasure slaves are valued by their looks. Even the slightest whip-scarring reduced Kaara’s value.”
“Which is why Caphan healers have become so good at repairing flesh,” Deela noted, emerging to join them. “But do you really think that wounds received in battle defending the Emir of All Caph before an audience of millions watching from across the world could do anything but accrue a slave girl’s value? The rest of us are jealous of them already.”
“They’ll be okay, though?” Visionary still needed reassurance.
“Luuma’s already fretting about being fit in time for the mera’hs when her sisters birth,” Losiira promised. “There are no women on Caph who could receive better care for their recovery than the wounded of the Nine Exiles. My word on it.”
Visionary relaxed a little. He turned to say something to Miiri, but Miiri wasn’t there. Neither were Vaahir and Pel. Neither were the Juniors.
“Vaahir heard of the conspiracy against Kiivan,” Deela supplied. “A conspiracy that led to Kaara being harmed. As Warlord of Caph he has a dim view of both. Right now many people are hiding.”
“Damn right they’d better,” muttered Vizh.
“The Juniors are comforting Mistress Lindy over the loss of Master Zelnitz,” Losiira added.
“Little punk,” muttered Vizh. “Little now-cosmic-powered punk.”
“And Mistress Pel is speaking with the ambassadors,” concluded Deela.
***
“So here’s the thing,” Pel lectured the delegates from Skree-Lump, the Skunk homeworld, the Shee-Yar Imperium, the Z’Sox webhome, and a dozen more. “I’ve just taken over the Thonnagarian eyrie. I’m the new boss. And as new boss I’ve got us a contract.”
She made eye contact with every single ambassador present. “From now on, the pigeonwarriors protect Plxtrazar. Yedo and the emergency government there have extended the invitation, and I and the entire Thonnagarian remnant have accepted the job.”
There were several protests from delegates whore races felt they had a claim on that contested border world.
“Look, this is just me playing nice,” Pel told them. “This is me being diplomatic, telling you to back off and exploit somewhere else. The open bar is closed at Plxtragar. You don’t want to hear my undiplomatic version.”
“You have no authority…” objected Ambassador DeVeaux of Earth; he sported a wonderful shiner.
“What I do have,” Pel answered, “is a tight cadre of highly-trained incredibly pissed-off pigeonwarriors, all ready to do really unpleasant things to any planet that tries to muscle in on Plxtragar’s independence. And since we’ve battled almost all of you at some time in your histories you know getting on the wrong side of us won’t be any fun at all. We might not be able to win with our reduced numbers, but we sure can cost you more than you’d want to pay. And we know where you all live.”
“This is an insult,” snarled the Shee-Yar ambassador.
“No,” Pel told him. “This is an insult.” She explained the ambassador’s mother’s habits and the variety of creatures she’d certainly dallied with, and how much she’d been paid for the acts. “And this is a threat. Mess with Plyxtrazar and we’ll come see you. Really mess with Plyxtrazar and we’ll come see you and bring the Lair Legion with us. All clear now? Good.”
“I think you’re going to make an excellent leader,” veteran pigeonwarrior Aroth Kor murmured in Pel’s ear as she’d finished.
***
Vespiir didn’t know what was going to happen to her. For a girl who’d been cast out and tortured as a prophetess that was a very alarming situation.
She was huddled in the corner one of the Emir’s cells when the visitors came for her. Vespiir expected interrogation, punishment, and execution. Already some Caphans were muttering that her witchcraft was responsible for the treason of the High Priest his fellow plotters. Soon the mob would be howling for her to be publicly skinned.
An unfamiliar young face peered into the darkened cell. It was a girl-child, not yet old enough to leave her mother’s harem, and her skin was of the hue of most of the visitors from fabled Earth; but Vespiir did not think this stranger was from Earth. “Hello,” the child said, tentatively. She had golden ringlets and big blue eyes.
Vespiir swallowed back her fear enough to return the greeting.
The girl came fully into the cell and sat cross-legged beside Vespiir. “You can see the future,” she said.
“I’ve already confessed it,” the outcast replied bitterly.
“I wish I could,” the child responded. “That would be very useful. But I can only see the present and the past.”
Vespiir blinked in surprise. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, I can find things, know things. Lost and hidden stuff. If I touch an object I can sometimes tell who it belongs to, or something about its history. When I go into a room I can see what’s happened there.”
“You have the sight?”
The girl nodded, ringlets bobbing. “That’s how I knew we needed to come to you. My name’s D’Rothy. When I was property of the Lovetoads I used to be called Slave D’Rothy.”
Vespiir had never met anyone who could do anything like she could. “Did they… punish you?”
“Oh yes,” admitted the girl, “but not for having my gift. That made me valuable to them. They only chastised me when I failed. I can’t see everything.”
“But now… you’re cast out?”
The child’s round face dimpled. “Now I’m rescued! Adopted. The heroes of Earth set me free, and Mircandalee Tremensalor took me into her Company. You’d be amazed how many applications my gift has in a theatre.”
Vespiir couldn’t quite grasp the social dynamics of so alien a concept, but she could see the joy twinkling in the girl’s eyes. “Then I’m happy for you. You deserve happiness.”
“But so do you, Vespiir,” said Mircandalee herself, passing into the cell to join her ward. “You saved the Emir and Ohanna, probably saved all Caph itself, with no thought of your own safety. That’s heroic stuff. That’s epic material.”
Vespiir shook her head. She had seen her future long since. There was little chance of it changing. “I am not Vespiir now,” she replied in a half-whisper. “I am evok-hai. Cast out. I have no name.”
“Rubbish,” snorted Miiri, completing the trio of visitors who had sought the girl out. “You’re a free woman now. You can have any name you choose. The only chains that bind you are those you put on yourself.”
Vespiir cringed before one of the greatest women of Caph.
“She’s very frightened,” explained D’Rothy. “She can’t see her own future. She thinks she’s going to be flayed.”
“Really?” scowled Miiri, frowning. She knelt down and took the exile’s hand and held it tight. “Well listen to me then, nameless outcast. Your sight and your courage saved my sister Ohanna from certain death. They’ve found the antidotes and she’s recovering nicely, with a doting Prince ever by her side. And no hero who has saved my sister will ever come to harm while I live.”
Vespiir looked at the lady with disbelieving eyes.
“Outcasts can be taken by any,” Miiri quoted. “Well then, consider yourself claimed. From now on you belong to the father of my children, and I name you Vespiir of the House of Visionary. And if you think any citizen of Caph will dare to raise his hand against you now then you do not know your new Master.”
“Um, did you consult Visionary about this?” Mircandalee asked tentatively.
“He’ll know when the time is right,” Miiri answered. “Probably when his mouth is full of coffee.”
“I am claimed?” Vespiir couldn’t believe it. “Lady Miiri, I am an abomination. I see the future.”
The former pleasure slave snorted. “On Earth that’s called having a super-power. There’s a special training school for young people to learn to use their gifts wisely and well. Lord Visionary runs it. His young charges grow strong and true. This very day they have saved all of Caph.” She leaned close to Vespiir. “I think you’ll do well as a Junior.”
“I’m to go to Earth?”
Miiri smiled now. “Well, I was already shipping back Kriije of Raael, and I intend to send Koodi of Jathaar to safety, so why not you as well?”
D’Rothy took Vespiir’s other hand. “Look at the future now,” she advised.
Vespiir shuddered and looked…
“Vespiir of Viisionary,” said Prince Kiivan, his arm fondly wrapped around his best beloved Ohanna, “You have saved my love and my life. Your deeds have made you legend. Thank you.” And the Emir of All Caph leaned down and kissed the outcast on her forehead, where the ugly branding scab proclaimed her shame. “That is no longer a mark of dishonour,” Kiivan told her. “It is a badge of courage.”
“But I’ve got this scarf that I had of my mother,” Ohanna told her practically. “It would make a beautiful headband and it matches your violet eyes.”
“Oh!” gasped Vespiir, awakening from the dream. “How…?”
“Keep looking,” demanded D’Rothy.
“Your slave has done us great service, Lord Khufaar,” the Emir declared to the trembling Master of the House of Jathaar. “Koodi has proved most valuable. I shall purchase her as a gift for my fiancée.”
“Of.. of course,” swallowed the minor lord before the legendary ruler of All Caph. Then his business sense caught up. “Valuable, you say…?”
“Good.” The ghost of a smile crossed Vespiir’s face. “I was feeling so guilty about Koodi. And Kriije.”
Another future flashed before her eyes, making her jaw drop in astonishment.
“I think she’s starting to get the plot,” Mircandalee noted.
“So, you’ve been sentenced to Dweebionary’s hard labour squad,” Kerry Shepherdson said to Vespiir. “But you can sense what he’s going to pick as his credit card passwords, right?”
“Welcome to the Refuge,” a sleek black woman said to Vespiir, Koodi, and Kriije. “You will stay here for a few weeks to accustom yourself to Earth before you decide upon your futures. Here you are at liberty to do what you will so long as you do no harm. I will show you to your tents.”
And more.
“Hold it, Koodi,” Kriije objected. “You’re not an uglydrudge any more. On Earth even Miiri’s pampered pleasure-slave sisters pitched in with the laundry. Let’s start as we mean to go on.”
And more.
“Honestly, Vesp,” promised Fashion Accessory, “with that figure the last thing the boys’ll be looking at is a mark on your forehead. Now hold still while I find you something to wear that says ‘Look upon my perfection Earthmen and despair!’”
“I will see you troublemakers off this campus if it is the last thing that I do!” thundered the Dean as he doused a jug of water over his smouldering trousers.
“You can control this. You can discipline yourself. You can become more than you believe you are. I am Chiaki Bushido and I will show you.”
“Thou wilt show respect to mine lady Vespiir or I wilt be doing likewise to thine other hand for the nonce.”
“It’s snow, Vesp. It’s for stuffing down boys’ shirts. Or maybe their pants. It’s an Earth tradition.”
“Hold it, Violet-Eyes. You’re saying the future of pretty much everything depends on you and me doing something not even the greatest heroes of Earth ever managed? Us?”
The images came, faster and faster, wilder and wilder, of events under alien skies; things that made no sense, wonders and horrors, strange places and stranger beings, terrible dangers – and the best of friends.
And Vespiir was content.
***
“I’m going to miss Caph,” Fashion Accessory admitted as she climbed aboard the shuttle up to Mircandalle’s travelling vaudeville ship for the journey home. “But I miss Facebook more.”
“It’s been a long journey,” Kit Kipling admitted, helping out Ham-Boy carry all the parcels Samantha had weighted him down with. “Who knows what waits for us back home?” His thoughts turned to the slender black form of Anna Kensington, whom he’d not seen for so very long.
“Something better, I hope,” Kid Produce said thoughtfully. He glanced over at Harlagaz. “A new start, maybe.”
“Tis good to voyage,” declared the Ausgardian demihemigod, “but it ist also good to be homecoming, to bring back the wisdom we hath garnered on our adventures. And also booty.”
“Hey, leave my booty out of this!” objected Falconne. “Soon as I can get back to someplace normal I’m outta here before somebody sends me back to Simonides Slaughter.”
“Someplace normal like Badripoor?” argued Ham-Boy.
“Hey, it’s a party town,” Glitch pointed out. “Even more now it’s got all those aliens resident as well. I might drop in on the old spiffster myself and say hi.”
“Knock before you go into his office,” advised Kerry.
“Hold it!” Danny called, backing up the conversation. “Did Gaz just claim we’d garnered wisdom? Has he been on the same adventures as me?”
“Of course we have learned,” Glory barked. “We have struggled together and apart. We have done what was needed and saved many lives. We have been true friends and true comrades. And now we return to new adventures!” She wagged her tail so hard the whole back half of her body was swaying.
Visionary finished taking his leave from Miiri, Ohanna, and Kiivan and joined them at the shuttle. “Did somebody mention new adventures?” he asked nervously.
“It’s only college, Feebo,” Kerry told him. “What trouble could we possibly get into there?”
The roar of the rising engines drowned out Vizh’s strangled reply.
***
“What now?” asked Ohanna, sitting as the fatigue from her recent illness overcame her.
If Prince Kiivan objected to being what she chose to sit on he did not say so. “Now, beloved,” he told her, folding her in his arms, “we make a world.”
***
Koodi watched the lush green world disappear to a dot and vanish in the clouds of the Horsehead Nebula; but Kriije was looking forward, into the red-shift blur of hyperspace travel, to a planet she’d studied but never sat foot upon, a place where people set their own value by their deeds and efforts.
Vespiir looked ahead too, although her eyes were closed. And she smiled.
***
Kerry found Visionary removing the scented pomanders from the luggage the Caphans had packed for him. “So, what we were talking about,” she said challengingly, “When stuff was about to go boom.”
“You’re family,” Vizh told her. “Mags and Griff will love you. We all love you. You get to pretend you don’t care. That’s the way it is.”
“Right then,” Kerry told him. “That doesn’t totally suck, I guess.”
***
“Second chances,” Danny Lyle said to Lindy Wilson on the observation deck. “They’re rare. When they come you take them.”
“Zack felt he needed to make good for betraying us with the Hood,” answered Falconne. “I know that.”
“He did good,” Denial admitted. “But that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean you and me.”
“What about you and me.”
“We get second chances too, Lindy. We both made mistakes, picked the wrong sides. Now we get to pick again.” He stopped propping up the wall and turned to go. “Just something to think about when we remember Hacker Nine.”
***
“Boys and girls, this is Mircandalee reporting that we’ve achieved maximum whatever zooming through the ether and we’re booked in for a variety performance on pretty much every major TV station on Earth day after tomorrow. Meanwhile, anybody who wants to watch Harlagaz Donarson juggle five live khersks is welcome to join us on the main stage and perhaps bring mops and buckets. You have been warned.”
***
And far ahead a small blue planet waited with new adventures in store.
***
Next: The Moderator Saga and Saving the Future
***
Cast List:
High Caphans of Rank:
Prince Kiivan, Emir of All Caph, is the rightful heir to the Caliphate and liberator of his homeworld. He escaped when Caph was invaded by Thonnagarians, trained in different times and places, and returned just over an Earth year later having grown to adulthood to save his people.
Ohanna of Raael is Kiivan’s constant companion, and as the Caphans would put it “his heart’s desire and best beloved”. She is younger sister to the exiled Caphan Miiri, and arguably the most extensively offworld-trained woman of Caph. Although Caphans have no such custom she is now Kiivan’s fiancée.
Vaahir of Viigo is Caph’s greatest warlord, Prince Kiivan’s mentor and right-hand man in retaking Caph. Vaahir’s passion for the Lady Kaara of Jaaxa is celebrated in song and story.
Serooq, High Priest of Raathi is one of the religious leaders of Caph, keepers of tradition and morality. Now that the Thonnagarian invasion is over he has been able to come out of hiding to lead the Caphan people in right ways.
Prince Laartroon of Laartros was offworld at the time of the Thonnagarian takeover and therefore avoided the worst excesses of the occupation. He has returned now to reclaim his estates and stake his position in the new hierarchy of Caph.
Lord Troovis of Troovis survived the reign of Prince Aarmis by being alternately stupid, subservient, absent, and stupid. He sees a future for himself in politics.
Lord Chaliis of Chaliim is a rather ordinary and easily led buffoon of a nobleman with just enough sense of loyalty and justice to choose the right thing when it really counts.
The Lost Flowers of Caph: Nine Caphan pleasure slaves sold offworld to the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad and liberated by the Lair legion during the Transworlds challenge, now finally returned to the world of their birth. The nine are:
Deeela, a daughter of Chieftain Ytirar by Iliia the Fair, She and her triplet siblings are sometimes called the Lost Jewels of the House of Kelinda after their abduction by raiders on the occasion of their vina drea (ceremony of bonding) to Laamis of Laamis. Deeela dreams of becoming a bard like her tent-sister Losiira.
Sayaana, also one of three daughters born to the Chieftain Ytirar out of Illia the Fair. She is the best weaver and needlewoman of the group, and most accomplished at performing kelanath-sto.
Philaana, younger sister to Sayaana and Deeela. She bears a child of Prince Kiivan, Emir of All Caph.
Noona of Portaa, the older of two sisters sold offworld to the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad from the marketplace of Luutan. She is Losiira’s lover.
Miiri of Earth, daughter of Prince Kiivas out of Ekooria of Damaar, is the most liberated of the Caphan exiles. When she was no longer owned by Visionary (a fiction anyway for the comfort of the rescued slaves) she returned to him as a lover and bore him twin children, Magweed (Naari) and Griffin. Miiri no longer wishes to be owned by anyone save herself.
Odoona of Portaa, Noona’s younger sister, a romantic dreamer; she has an unspoken crush on Lord Visionary.
Losiira of the Nine Songs is the oldest of the nine Caphan exiles, and the only one accredited by the bardic college. She had now been accredited as a slave-mistress and house mother, and has been awarded the rank of mistress of the House of the Emir. She also carries a child of Prince Kiivan.
Luuma Swiftheels, famed for her athletic prowess, also carries a child of Prince Kiivan.
Kaara of Jaaxa, last daughter of a murdered House, was ravaged and sold into slavery. The youth who strove to own her was Vaahir of Viigo, and his exploits to escape and save her are chronicled in the Tenth Caphan Saga in Untold Tales #202-212.
Other High-Status Slaves
Guildmistress Keroon of the Leman's Guild is one of the most powerful slaves on Caph, heading the order which trains and accredits women of the leman class. In the absence of an appointed Vizier it is her role to manage the proceedings of the Caliphate Court, of whom collectively she is the chattel.
Zeela, Doolia, Aatis, Jemiira, Hooli, Fantiis, and Sooon, are seven slaves given in tribute to the Earth-hero Ham-Boy by Amaal of Ammalin, now brought into the House of kiivan.
Common Caphans
Koodi of Jathaar is a drudge, one of the menial class of slaves who form the majority of Caph’s population. Her master is Lord Khuufal and she lived most of her young life in domestic service in the deserts of Urendiir. When her Master joined Vaahir’s rebellion Koodi came to Alcaphia as a runner bringing arms and supplies to the warriors. While camped outside the city Koodi encountered the outcast seeress Vespiir and made a fateful decision that she knew would destroy her life.
Vespiir is an outcast slave, masterless and unprotected, for the crime of being a seeress. Only males may possess the gift of Raathi, and so Vespiir is evok-hai, fair game for any who would harm or kill her. She bears the Outcast Brand on her forehead, proclaiming her shame to all who see her.
Oloora of Kiivan is a drudge in the Emir’s palace, an innocent pawn in most holy Serooq’s plots against those who advise Prince Kiivan.
Kriije of Raael, formerly of Aarixus, is a Caphan leman – personal assistant and bodyslave – who clawed her way to the top of her profession in service to the traitorous would-be Emir Aarmus of Aarixus. Trained in espionage, assassination, and manipulation Kriije supported her Master’s domination attempts but was badly wounded in combat with Ohanna of Raael. With Aarmus’ fall Kriije became the property of his slayer, Prince Kiivan, who in turn sold her to his lover Ohanna for virtually nothing. Kriije is to be exiled to Earth.
Jaal of Kiivan is acting Captain of the Guard at Kiivan's Alphacaphia palace. He is a career eunuch.
Visitors From Earth:
Visionary, possibly-fake man and headmaster of the Junior Lair Legion training programme, was formerly the accidental owner of nine Caphan slave girls, including Miiri who later mothered his twin children. His yellow coat is often mistaken on Caph for the saffron mantle of a powerful lord.
Glory, the pooch of power, is a superpowered and highly intelligent border collie who works with the metahuman agent Mr Epitome. She is also the Junior Lair Legion’s teaching assistant.
Danny Lyle (Denial) is a rebel without a cause, dating Kerry Shepherdson. He is also the son of the Hooded Hood and madame Symmetry, the Shaper of Worlds.
Kerry Shepherdson probability-twisting pyromaniac, is the former ward and current adopted little sister of Visionary.
Ham-Boy (Fred Harris) is an alumni of the Junior Lair Legion. The world’s meatiest hero has the ability to create and control raw meat products.
Fashion Accessory (Samantha Bonnington) is a fabric-manipulating teen catwalk model, all-round valley girl, and member of the Junior Lair Legion. Her best friend is Kerry Shepherdson.
Glitch is a female Autobot from a distant galaxy, sent to monitor and protect life on Earth. She’s just discovering a fetish for human boys.
Harlagaz Donarson is the son of Donar, Ausgardian hemigod of thunder. He’s also a member of the Junior Lair Legion.
Falconne (Belinda “Lindy” Wilson) is younger sister of the missing-in-action legionnaire Falcon and has inherited his combat flight suit.
Captain Courageous (Kip Kipling) is a young British agent of Project: Pendragon, gifted with enhanced physical abilities and cursed with an absolute sense of morality.
Kid Produce (Jasper Stevens) was a member of the JBH (Justa Bunch of Heroes) until tragedy struck and the love of his life Jackie Rabbit was taken from him. Now he is a morose, brooding loner who retains the ability to generate any kind of enhanced fruit or vegetable from his magic apron.
Hacker Nine (Zachary Zelnitz) is an anarchist computer whiz from the distant dimension of Technopolis. He recently served an apprenticeship with the Hooded hood that almost led him to betray his friends to destruction.
Herbert P. Garrick (a.k.a. Bad News Herb) is the U.S. President’s Special Advisor on Metahuman Affairs. He’s not a fan of the Lair Legion, and he's not had good experiences with Caphans so far.
Chauncy Sidney Lancelot DeVeux is the US State Department's nominated Ambassador to Caph. He's from the Boston DeVeuxs.
D’Rothy is a young alien orphan (with a resemblance to young Judy Garland), formerly owned by the Slimy Slaver Lovetoads who valued her for her psychometric abilities. She is now under the care of Mircandalee Tremensalor, part of her intergalactic vaudeville troupe.
Other Offworlders
Shazana Pel is an outcast Thonnagarian warrior who stood against her own people as an ally of Kiivan and Vaahir. Her grandmother, Pigeonwarrior leader. Her grandmother Ancient Shadara, last of the Great Eyrie, whom Pel slew in battle has proclaimed her next leader of the Pigeonrace.
Mircandalee Tremensalor is of the alien race the Dramaatis, the last survivor of her troupe after the Parody War. She now owns and runs the former avawarrior training ship as a star-spanning vaudeville theatre.
Aroth Kor is a grizzled veteran Pigeonwarrior sergeant now sworn to the service of Shazana Pel.
Yedo of Plxtragar is the purple-skinned ad-hoc ambassador of the ravaged pirate-raided world of Plxtragar to which Vaahir was formerly assigned as guardian.
***
Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2008 reserved by Ian Watson. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2008 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Ian Watson to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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The Hooded Hood finishes the Caphan subplots and sets some new things in motion
Sat Jun 28, 2008 at
09:38:44 am EDT
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Posted from United Kingdom
using Microsoft Internet Explorer/Windows 2000
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 #328: Untold Tales of the Parodyverse: On The Unwelcome Attentions of the Living Death that Sucks - Complete - The Hooded Hood finishes the Caphan subplots and sets some new things in motion - Sat Jun 28, 2008 at 09:38:44 am EDT
- And the players continue to rearrange themselves into interesting patterns ... [Spoilers] - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Jul 13, 2008 at 11:32:37 pm EDT
- You old softy. - Visionary - Sun Jul 13, 2008 at 12:24:09 pm EDT
- That was lucky for her. - Anime Jason - Sun Jul 13, 2008 at 12:02:06 pm EDT
- And they all lived happily ever after. Again. (no text) - killer shrike - Sun Jul 13, 2008 at 10:19:04 am EDT
- That was a good ending. Next? (no text) - Rhiannon - Sun Jul 13, 2008 at 10:07:38 am EDT
- As if his last apprenticeship wasn't bad enough... - Visionary - Tue Jul 08, 2008 at 07:44:29 pm EDT
- An excellent group strategy. I especially loved Glitch's contribution. :) (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Tue Jul 08, 2008 at 06:55:28 pm EDT
- At least he's outside. - Anime Jason - Tue Jul 08, 2008 at 03:55:16 pm EDT
- That was unexpected. (no text) - Rhiannon - Tue Jul 08, 2008 at 01:46:52 pm EDT
- Bit by bit, he's making it that much harder for his opposition to retain any support. (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sat Jul 05, 2008 at 05:35:31 pm EDT
- This was interesting (no text) - Rhiannon - Sat Jul 05, 2008 at 02:21:12 pm EDT
- You just had to draw it out a little longer, didn't you? - Visionary - Sat Jul 05, 2008 at 11:50:13 am EDT
- Of course. - HH - Tue Jul 08, 2008 at 01:52:14 pm EDT
- That solved one third of the problems. - Anime Jason - Sat Jul 05, 2008 at 09:26:58 am EDT
- Another fine chapter (no text) - killer shrike - Sat Jul 05, 2008 at 07:54:32 am EDT
- Every cliffhanger except for an imminent regeneration is here! ;) (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Fri Jul 04, 2008 at 06:45:02 pm EDT
- Sucks for them - killer shrike - Fri Jul 04, 2008 at 11:20:32 am EDT
- Who doesn't enjoy some light conversation before dinner? - Visionary - Fri Jul 04, 2008 at 10:48:10 am EDT
- And then? - Rhiannon - Fri Jul 04, 2008 at 10:33:17 am EDT
- The fourth part... - Anime Jason - Fri Jul 04, 2008 at 09:16:56 am EDT
- I'm convinced I replied to part 3... Oh well, just blame it on hardware problems (today it's the turn of the air conditioning. Apparantly it is "being maintained"). - Manga Shoggoth - Thu Jul 03, 2008 at 07:03:25 am EDT
- I have to say, it's pretty incredible that this little universe of ours has expanded so much that such a gripping and full tale can be sustained by non-poster charac ... (no text) - spiffy has a tear in his eye - Thu Jul 03, 2008 at 12:50:32 am EDT
- I think someone's in for a hands-on lesson in feminism in action ... (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Mon Jun 30, 2008 at 11:19:48 pm EDT
- Obviously, people are telling me that I need to go away for the weekend more often. - Visionary - Mon Jun 30, 2008 at 03:47:36 pm EDT
- This is interesting. (no text) - Rhiannon - Mon Jun 30, 2008 at 02:23:10 pm EDT
- That makes me wonder... - Anime Jason - Mon Jun 30, 2008 at 01:43:27 pm EDT
- Its been so long I'd forgotten that particular plot point (no text) - killer shrike - Mon Jun 30, 2008 at 01:14:48 pm EDT
- A tale of a fateful trip... - Anime Jason - Mon Jun 30, 2008 at 08:54:21 am EDT
- Have I made any "power vacuum" puns yet? - Manga Shoggoth - Mon Jun 30, 2008 at 08:11:43 am EDT
- An inventive and deceptive solution. :) (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sun Jun 29, 2008 at 03:29:10 pm EDT
- Clever. (no text) - Rhiannon - Sun Jun 29, 2008 at 12:06:06 pm EDT
- Impressive (no text) - killer shrike - Sun Jun 29, 2008 at 09:44:25 am EDT
- I approve of Kiivan's methods of ending that particular conversation. :) (no text) - CrazySugarFreakBoy! - Sat Jun 28, 2008 at 08:24:41 pm EDT
- Does he come with a blinds attachment? [Spoilers] - Anime Jason - Sat Jun 28, 2008 at 12:14:12 pm EDT
- Four plans? Hey, that's four more than usual! (no text) - killer shrike - Sat Jun 28, 2008 at 11:28:37 am EDT
- This was a suprise. And a good story too. (no text) - Rhiannon - Sat Jun 28, 2008 at 11:13:06 am EDT
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