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Post By Two delightful contributions to brighten anybody's day, posted via the Hooded Hood Tue May 01, 2007 at 10:26:39 am EDT |
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Untold Unexpected Tie-Ins to Untold Tales #310 | ||||
| Untold Unexpected Tie-Ins to Untold Tales #310 The Story So Far (Version 1): After a major battle between the Parody Master and Galactivac the Living Death that Sucks which ended with the Hooverer of Worlds being imprisoned in stasis by the Conqueror of the Parodyverse, Probability Dancer Sarah Shepherdson, her little probability arsonist sister Kerry, and Kerry’s occasional boyfriend Danny Lyle (Denial) were vaporised by an incoming energy blast. Or were they? Untold Tales #307, #308, & #309 The Story So Far (Version 2): One of the nice things about collaborating with other posters is the feedback. One of the very nicest things about consulting with Sarah about her characters is that sometimes rather than comments she just tosses out stories to illustrate her points. So here’s her latest contribution…  [The Scene: A really big SF set, probably designed by Neil Adams if it’s a comic-book, or by Industrial Light & Magic if it’s a movie. We’re talking really, really big here. There are probably vast lightning rods crackling, and green lighting, and big shadowy humming machines. You get the idea :-) ]Danny, denying: We’re not dead. We really aren’t. Not even a little bit… Dancer, probability dancing: It’s a million to one shot, but it might just work. Assuming I can get to that position with dislocating my hip… Kerry: Never mind trying to escape the Parody Master. Let’s just blow him up! Danny: Not dead… not dead… not even when Kerry attacks the Parody Master… not dead… Dancer: Okay, now the zero-g triple backflip somersault with the chainé-arabesque-fan kick-splits twist…. Kerry: Um, guys? We might want to stop the self-narration and check out the scene change? We’re not in deep space about to be blown up by the Parody Master any more. Although I want to say for the record that we could totally have fried his ass. Danny, looking round: Wow! A really big SF set, probably designed by Neil Adams if it’s a comic-book, or by Industrial Light & Magic if it’s a movie. Nice. Dancer: Ah. This? This is Galactivac’s Hoover-Ship. His home base. I guess we managed between us to improbably deny death by triggering the auto-recall teleport that brings heralds back here. Danny: And you’re still officially a Herald of Galactivac, so we got the free ride out of trouble. Well, out of that trouble. Dancer: Sure I am. I wanted all us Heralds to get name badges. You know, “Hello, My Name is Dancer, How May I Destroy Your Planet?” But those other Heralds understand nothing about customer service. Kerry: Your plan was to actually make people feel so sick that they genuinely welcomed Galactivac destroying them? Dancer: That’s enough from you, missy. You’re going to be grounded until you’ve reincarnated five or six times for the stunt you pulled today. You summoned Galctivac to eat Caph! Danny: In fairness to the Firecracker, she was provoked. Dancer: She’s always provoked. Somebody took the last can of coke from the fridge so she had to blow it up. Somebody wore the wrong colour tie in her presence so she had to use her flame-thrower on it. And those times when Karl left the toilet seat up… Danny: But this time the Hooded Hood was behind it. It was all a big set up from the start. Kerry: Yeah. Like he set up me meeting Danny and me going out with Danny and me… going out some more with Danny… Dancer: You mean you staying in with Danny. You think I didn’t notice the missing lingerie from my underwear drawer? Danny: You do know that was all for her, right? I mean, okay, that one time, but… Kerry: Point is, the great relationship of my life, I thought it was true love and it turns out to be a Hooded Hood manipulation! Dancer: Okay, I admit that cowled crime czar can be a bit sneaky. I mean you wouldn’t be the only semi-innocent young woman who listened to his sweet-talking Latvian ways and ended up wondering where you’d tossed your borrowed underwear the night before. Um, metaphorically speaking, naturally. Kerry: Au naturally, from what I hear. Danny: Wait a minute… Great relationship of your life? True love? Did you just say…? Kerry: That was before, Danny Lyle! Before I found out I’d just been made one huge joke by your father who wanted to use me as a living time bomb against the Parody Master! Dancer: That’s not fair, Kerry. You’ve always been a huge joke and a living time bomb. Er, I mean… Danny: It’s always about you, Kerry Shepherdson! What about me? There I was, perfectly happy in my angsty brooding ignoring the world and then suddenly… bam! A Firecracker just bursts into my life and blows it up! Kerry: I told you that was an accident. The dynamite was sweating too much and then when the toaster popped… Danny: That’s not what I mean. Besides, I’ve has developed really fast reflexes now. I dived behind Visionary so most of the major fragments missed me. Dancer: And some people say Vizh has no uses. I find he’s really good in the spring sales, when you need somebody to trip up the seething mass of bargain hunters into a tangled mass of fallen bodies. I’d recommend him to anybody. Danny: Anyhow the point is that maybe my father did push us together, did manipulate us and the Juniors and everything to set up his Parody Master trap, but that doesn’t mean what we said and did and… and felt doesn’t matter. Or that it doesn’t mean anything. Kerry: Sure. But you didn’t just find out you got used to try and doom a planet. I mean that’s one step worse than my sister waking up to find her latest guy gone and just a note and ten dollars on her nightstand. Dancer: Hey! That never happens. Nobody leaves a note or tips. So… that’s a good thing, right? Danny: Well actually, Firecracker, it turns out I did just get used to try and doom a planet, just as much as you. Everything the Hood did to you? He did it to me too. Made me his puppet. Made me care about somebody. Made me fall in love. So I know just how you feel, Kerry, because I feel the same way! Dancer: Nobody ever leaves anything when they sneak out. In fact sometimes they steal small articles from the flat as they go. So there. Kerry: Cheap and sleazy and kind of sick at yourself and horrified at what you might have done? Ashamed to look at yourself in the mirror, because you know you’ve screwed up so badly you can’t ever be forgiven? Dancer: Well, that’s a bit extreme. Okay, so its not good for self-esteem when the guy never calls to say thanks for the sex and the alarm clock, but… Danny: We’re both damaged goods, Firecracker. You know that as well as me. We’re neither of us worth that much to the rest of the Parodyverse. We’re both screw-up wastes of space. Kerry: You say the nicest things, Danny Lyle. Dancer: I mean, the alarm clock might be pretty cheap and grotty but the sex is really high quality, in my opinion. I work hard to do sex that good. I mean, Sarah does. Apparently. So you’d expect at least a little compliment. Apart from those on the bathroom wall, which I have to scrub off. I’m talking about properly-spelled compliments, that don’t include diagrams or my phone number. Danny: What I’m saying, Kes, is that I know I’m not much. But when I’m with you I’m… more. You make me more. You make me want to be not… like me. And I don’t see you as just damaged goods. When I look at you I see… well, I’m not going to tell you here and now while Dancer’s off on some personal guilt-trip monologue in the background. Dancer: Personal guilt-trip monologue? Me? No, no. Just… rehearsing. Lines. For a play. That’s all. *looks sheepish* I’d better check the scanners and stuff, find out what’s happening outside with the Parody Master. Yes, scanners. An absolute must. Kerry: I dunno, Danny. I thought I knew before, but now everything between us seems so… so fake. Danny: I thought you liked fake? Secretly. Dancer; Uh oh. Parody Master incoming. Looks like he wants the Hoover-Ship as well. That’s not good. Kerry: If I keep on having sex with you, Danny, it doesn’t mean I love you or anything. It just means I don’t want the Hooded Hood to win and make everything we’ve done meaningless. That’s the only reason I’m going to keep on having unrelenting, remorseless, wild, uninhibited sex with you. Danny: Sure. Same here. It’s the only logical way to make sure that dad doesn’t triumph in the end. Whatever the personal cost to us, we have to fornicate as much as possible in as many ways as possible until we haven’t the strength left to stand. Dancer: It’s not good because there’s this little auto-destruct program that blows the Hoover-Ship up to prevent it being captured. And right now we’re on the Hoover-Ship. So there’s going to be a big bang. Danny: Only to teach the Hooded Hood a lesson that he can’t manipulate us forever. Dancer, confused: What? Kerry: Ooh, yes. Big fireworks. I can sense the detonation building. This is going to be great! Dancer: Except that we’re at ground zero. We need to get out of here. We need to get out of the nearest fifty light years of space, really. In the next twenty seconds. Kerry: Twenty seconds before we die? Danny, is there any chance we could… Danny: We can only try. C’mere Firecracker… Dancer: Actually, I think this is perhaps the big red lever to pull. This one over on the emergency console, to clarify for the innuendo police. The one marked “Emergency Evacuation Activation.” Danny: Sounds like a valid plot development in the remaining eight seconds before we all explode. Kerry: But I’ll miss the bang! Dancer: ……… *pulls the lever * To be continued… The Story So Far (Version 3): Visionary and Asil have found their way to the legendary home plane of the Celestians, seeking to find ways of reactivating the powerful Space Robots to return their lost and dead friends to life and overthrow the Parody Master. Separated, they have each encountered a “guide” from their past, provided by the demiplane as both assistant and test. Visionary has met up with his lost former girlfriend Pricilla DuBois, sister of De Brown Streak, and also known as the psychotic mutate villainess the Vermillion Vex. The Story So Far (Version 4): I wrote to the poster who created the Vermillion Vex asking for permission to use her for the story and seeking any ideas he might have on how she would react to the situation I described. Dr Clement was kind enough to respond far more generously than I expected, and one correspondence later he provided me with the material which follows! Enjoy.  “Hi there. Did you miss me?” Priscilla DuBois, the vivacious Vermillion Vex, looks down at Vizh in all her bootylicious goodness. Blood-red leather bustier and thong and plenty of creamy brown skin and a smile that tells you its going to be a good long weekend.Vizh: “Priscilla? What are you doing here? What is this place anyway? How can you still be alive after you zapped yourself to oblivion doing that anti-mutant wave? What are you doing to my pants? Priscilla: Well, I’m here to help you in your big mission to take over the Parodyverse, naturally. This is the Celestian realm, and it provides a guide to assist travellers, and for you that is little me, back in the extremely willing-to-assist flesh. Celestian power doesn’t bother about little things like people’s molecules being spread across the Parodyverse. And I’m taking your pants off because otherwise how could I do this? Vizh yelps and scrabbles away backwards on his elbows and bottom. “Priscilla! Wait! You don’t understand.” Priscilla: “Sure I do. I’ve practised an awful lot to get this stuff right. Just lie back and let me show you.” Vizh, trying to get his pants back: “No, I don’t mean… You’re really good at that. I know that.” “Sure. I have certificates.” “It’s just that… things are different now. Time has passed. Moved on. Now I’m… What do you mean, certificates? Its not like there are competitions.” Priscilla: “You’ve lived a very sheltered life. But I can change all that. Just lie back, and afterwards we can plan what we’re going to do when we rule the Parodyverse. I was thinking movie and a late dinner, then awful revenge against all our enemies.” Vizh: “I’m not here to conquer the Parodyverse, Priscilla. I just want to program the Space Robots to save my friends.” Priscilla: “Sure, that’s natural. We save your little friends, of course we do, except maybe the ones you only want to bring back so you can ogle with those wandering eyes of yours, although maybe if we brought them back as really ugly men that would be okay. And naturally we’ll use the power to wreak horrible vengeance on people who deserve it, like my father Morbido the Magnificent and some of the Botherhood. And on people who annoy us. Or people who look at us a bit funny.” “Priscilla, that’s not going to happen.” Vex nods. “I guess not. Mostly they’ll grovel and shy away as soon as we come into a room, which is fine. But you have to make an occasional example. Don’t worry Vizh, with me at your side you’ll soon get the hang of it.” Vizh thinks about what he could program the Space Robots to do. He could get them to give him some new pants, for starters. But what kind of powers come with Celestian cosmic pants? Priscilla: “We’ll need to make a list, Vizh. We have to be organised about this. We can’t just torture people at random. It’s sloppy.” “Pris, please, just listen to me. I’m not torturing anyone. I’m not taking over the Parodyverse. And… I’m sorry to have to break this to you but… I’m seeing someone else.” Vex looks up sharply. “What? What do you mean, seeing someone else? Whatever happened to mourning me forever?” Vizh: “I did mourn you, Priscilla. Honestly I did. I was like having my heart ripped out. Well, not exactly like that, because when I did have my heart ripped out it was quite a bit different and hurt in whole other ways. Plus there was that major elder demon thing, and ghouls, and the end of the universe and stuff. But it was metaphorically like having my heart ripped out in a way that didn’t doom the Parodyverse or involve Cthulic slime.” Priscilla: “But then you moved on. So who was it then? That trampy waitress? That slutty Probability Dancer?” Vizh: “Er, actually, it turns out that Sarah is now legally my little sister, which makes Kerry my littler sister but with firelighters. Which really means I need to be breaking Danny Lyle’s kneecaps more often.” Priscilla: “So you didn’t run off an have a torrid affair with that Sarah woman.” Vizh, squirming a bit (and not in a Vex took my pants off way): “Er, not once she’d become my sister through adoption, no. That would be weird. And wrong.” Pricilla, frowning: “And Dancer? You never did the horizontal mambo with her?” Vizh: “Well, there’s a funny multi-part round robin about that one, actually. And it was all a long time ago. We were just teenagers, and from what I remember there were these pixies…” Priscilla, frowning more: “Who did your sex education? I mean, birds and bees, okay. But pixies are a bit kinky.” Vizh: “Well, I guess the sex education would be… Er, there was that tape Lisa left in the VCR and I thought it would be good to watch the Dallas Cowboys in Training.” He shudders. Priscilla: “And that Caphan slut?” Vizh: “Hey, don’t talk that way about, um, well, the mother of my twin ten-year-old children.” “Your what?!” “Magweed and Griffin,” Vizh smiled feebly. “I’d show you a picture, although its hard to get Griff to stay visible for the camera and Mags is a bit shy of being photographed on account of her scars. Except you have my pants and my wallet’s in there.” “You had kids? You never told me you had kids!” “Well, when we were dating I didn’t. Have kids, I mean. You see there was this mix-up with fairy time distortions and, well, another multi-part crossover.” Priscilla: “How many times are you going to use the crossover excuse, Visionary?” Vizh: “I’m almost done with it. There was the stuff with Lara that was retconned anyway and the thing with Liu Xi that didn’t happen because she shifted her fixation to Hatty and the funny misunderstanding with Urthula Underess but that was about it. Oh, maybe a lady centaur. You have to laugh, really.” “I have to start writing down that list we talked about. All those women! Do you take me for some kind of idiot?” Vizh: “No. Honestly. I’m trying to say that there’s not going to be any taking of any kind.” He leans forward. “It’s great to see you again, Priscilla. Really it is. But we can’t be… unpanted like we used to be.” Priscilla pouts: “Why not? I brought handcuffs.” Vizh: “Because I’m seeing someone else now. It’s complicated.” “Multi-part crossover end-the-universe complicated? What’s new. So you’re sleeping with another woman?” “Er no. Not exactly.” Priscilla: “Another man? I knew those rumours Josh spread around about Mr Epitome had to have some basis in fact!” Vizh: “No. Not a man. Just… not sleeping with someone. We’re not at the sleeping stage. We’re not even at the staying awake all night sweating and grunting stage. Or the, um, her knowing I’m thinking about her stage.” Vex shrugs, which looked really great with a low-cut bustier: “So it doesn’t matter if we cross-over right here and now. Its not like you’re in a relationship. You can’t be unfaithful to somebody you’re never even asked out.” Vizh: “I kind of think I could. Sorry, Priscilla. I mean it’s great that you’re back to help me – but not in the conquering the universe or stealing my pants kinds of ways – and you’ve got the whole crowded leather bustier thing working for you as always, but I can’t stop thinking about Hallie. Priscilla: “Hallie! That little green computer program? Hallie Hallie!” “Um, yeah. Hallie Hallie. We’ve been getting closer ever since we pretend dated and then she gestated my twins.” He rubs his forehead. “I have got to get a less absurd biography.” “You need a better life story and I need to have erased that man-stealing sexware while I had the chance,” storms Priscilla. “You can’t be serious, Visionary. I mean, can you picture timid little Hallie doing [description deleted because of federal guidelines on legal internet content and basic moral decency]? Well, can you?” “Um,” blushes Vizh. “Well if I can I’m not going to admit it. Or think about it while you have my pants.” “Vizh,” purrs the Vex, “You’re missing the big picture here. You’re in the home of the Celestians. Just a few cunning death-traps away is the control panel that can program them to make anything happen. Anything at all. You can have everything you ever wanted. You can have me right there by your side. We could be happy together, I know we could.” Suddenly she looks a little forlorn, her eyes a little bit moist. “Don’t you want to rule the universe with me, Vizh? Really?” Vizh: “I’m sorry, Priscilla. You’re a great girl, and I’m not just saying that because you’re a psychotic loon. Or because you have my pants held hostage. I really treasure the time we had together. I’ll never forget you. But… we can’t do what you want.” The Vex looks miserable. “Well then, you’d better have your pants back and tell me what you do want from your guide, I suppose.” “Just get me to that Celestian control panel please. That’s why I came. There’s insanely dangerous and ill-advised stuff I have to do.” “You want me to guide you through the horrible death traps and cunning destruction tests of the Space Robots so you can get ultimate power, waste it on your worthless pointless friends, throw away rulership of all creation, then go back to not asking out your little computer cutie instead of having wild wonderful kinky sex with me, is that it?” “Well, basically, yes. Please.” Priscilla, smiling sweetly: “Sure thing then, ex-lover. Just walk this way. I’ll show you where the death traps are.” Vizh: “And help me avoid them?” Priscilla: “………….” Josh also sends his best wishes to all who remember him, and says he has very fond memories of his time at the Parodyverse. Continued in Untold Tales #311 Original concepts, characters, and situations copyright © 2007 reserved by Sarah Shepherdson and Joshua J Clement. Other Parodyverse characters copyright © 2007 to their creators. The use of characters and situations reminiscent of other popular works do not constitute a challenge to the copyrights or trademarks of those works. The right of Sarah Shepherdson and Joshua J Clement to be identified as the authors of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs & Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. |
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