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Thu Nov 04, 2004 at 11:30:39 pm EST

The Adventures of Alcheman #11
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The Adventures of Alcheman #11

“Alchemy 101”

Who’s Who in the Parodyverse, Alcheman Edition

Hero Name: Alcheman

Birth name: Michael Jonathan Wooster

Nickname: Alliterative types have dubbed him the Chemical Crimefighter

Childhood home: Pierce Heights, Paradopolis, USA

Age: 27

Education: Degrees in Secondary Education and Political Science, University of Paradopolis

Current occupation: Eager but inexperienced superhero, Civics teacher at Hogan Academy

Enemies so far: Generic Viagra, Sh!tkicker, Pillbug (deceased), Cyrus Honig and the Committee for the Occulation of Paranormal Experiences

Friends so far: Dancer, Grace O’ Mercy (the Night Nurse), Ivan Strode, Honoria Sesselby

Superpowers: By touching the periodic tables tattooed onto his biceps Alcheman can take on the properties of a variety of elements and compounds. He is also able to determine the amount of energy is in the mimicked material, allowing him to choose what physical state it is in or whether or not the substance’s potential energy can be released.

Appearance: height – 6’ 0” weight 195 lbs. hair light brown, cut short and straight, eyes hazel. No disfigurements, besides tattoos.

Clothing: Tends to dress conservatively (i.e. preppy). Costume is a sleeveless navy blue tunic and blue leggings. Black fingerless gloves, boots, and domino mask. Belt is brass with an “alchemal symbol” for a buckle.

Personality: Tends to be courteous, forthright, and diligent. A bit verbose when speaking, but with a gentle sense of humor.

Abilities and advantages: Meticulous eye for detailed planning and conscientiousness towards achieving his goals

Weaknesses: Inability to react swiftly to a crisis. Easily buffaloed by strong-willed women.

Current residence: Small townhouse in gentrified section of Seedytown, Paradopolis

Relatives: The Woosters have lived in the twin cities of Paradopolis and Gothametropolis for nearly two hundred years, their fortune actually starting with Michael’s great-great grandfather who opened a small dry goods store in Gothametropolis York. His descendants moved to the newer, more thriving Paradopolis in the mid nineteenth century. Over time their stores evolved into a multi-national department store chain, and while the family no longer runs the business empire, they do own 27 percent of the company’s stock. The last Wooster to actually work for the corporation was Michael’s father Malcolm, who was the CEO until being killed in a stunt involving hot air balloons and a rocket powered motorcycle. His living relatives include his mother, Agnes Wooster and his younger twin sisters, Jenni and Trudi. Michael does get along well with his family, despite the fact that they have next to no understanding of what makes each other tick, since Michael rejected (and was subsequently disowned) by the Wooster clan when he was 17.

Actor who would take role in movie: Marc Blucas

Supporting Cast for Alcheman:

Agnes Wooster: the matriarch of the Wooster clan, Agnes tends to be very disappointed in her children, and indeed the world in general, and can use her acid tongue to get the point across with a considerable degree of vicious wit. Prone to histrionics, her son seems capable of shouldering the guilt she tries to foist on him over his career decision.

Played by: Kelly Bishop

Jenni and Trudi Wooster: are Michael’s younger sisters, fraternal twins who have reputations as being jet-setting party girls. Unlike their mother, they approve of Michael’s decision to be a superhero, because of the social opportunities his lifestyle could provide for them. Jenni is the sweeter, dumber one, while Trudi is the brighter, snarkier one.

Played by: Paris Hilton (Jenni) and Nicole Richie (Trudi)

Ivan Strode: the mysterious artist who inked the tattoos that gave Michael his powers. He claims to have repeated this process on other subjects over the years, though how much of this is true, and how his work actually grants certain people powers, is a tale for another day (Say, Alcheman #14 or so).

Played by: Bruce Dern

Honoria Sesselby: A Doctor of cryptozoology and cryptoanthroplogy, Honoria has known Michael for nearly twenty years. They were engaged to be married at one point, but the wedding was inexplicably called off at the last minute by the groom. Dr. Sesselby has always made it her concern to help Michael better himself, so she has taken on the task of being his ally in becoming a successful superhero. She is brilliant, brawny, beautiful, and not the least bit shy or retiring.

Played by: Trish Stratus

Inspector Rosario Hudson/M.O.U.N.T.-E: has not yet met Alcheman, but the two of them will cross paths soon. This agent of the Royal Canadian Mechanized Police has come to America to track down an assassin who targets supervillains, but has been side-tracked in her investigation by the revelation that a Robo-American like herself is in Paradopolis, and operating in a way that suggests he is suffering from faulty programming. Inspector Hudson is charming, intelligent, and very goal-oriented. No one knows she’s secretly a robot.

Played by: Rosario Dawson

Cyrus Honig: is the platitude-speaking head of the non profit group COPE: the Committee for the Occulation of Paranormal Experiences. His goal is the successful “mainstreaming” of people who have been transformed into super humans, which may seem laudable, but Alcheman suspects Honig of trying to crush the heroic spirit in people who have been so blessed by getting them to choose a more mundane lifestyle.

Played by: Mathew Lillard, but wears his hair like Bob Ross

Evelyn Calliope/Penny Blood: a former co-worker of Michael’s, this meek librarian has been transformed into a supervillainess after reading the diary of a woman who had been locked away in Herringcarp Asylum close to one hundred years ago. The details of her origin and her powers remain a mystery (at least until, say Alcheman #15) but she has recruited an army of flunkies to help her choreograph a reign of violence and terror to inspire the city of Paradopolis.

Played by: Christina Ricci

Efficienado: a henchmen for the master villain known as Professor Manyarms, this time-obsessed malcontent escaped the slaughter of the rest of Manyarms’s followers (Evil’s Eleven) by the Scourge of the Parodyverse, and may seek to complete his original mission: the destruction of Canada. Like M.O.U.N.T.-E, Efficienado is a Robo-American, making him strong and resistant to conventional attacks.

Played by: Clancy Brown

Scourge of the Parodyverse: has killed nearly a dozen supervillains in his career as assassin, though the reasons for the murders remain a mystery. What is known, however, is that the Scourge is a master of disguise (having impersonated both Sh!tkicker and Dancer to get close to his targets) and he uses a modified .45 caliber submachine gun to kill his targets.

Played by: ?

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