Posted by Donar on August 17, 2000 at 23:14:08:
Dynamic Donar 2000, Part III
Everyone was gathered in the foyer of a dinky little hotel, located smack dab in the middle of the voodoo district of downtown Haiti. Visz, feeling partly to blame for this venture (mainly as he had bought the tickets and not told anyone prior to boarding the plane) was attempting to make the best of the situation.
"At least there's no mice…right guys??"
"Aye" Donar observed. "Twould appear the tarantulas hath eaten the mice."
"Now now" Cheryl defended. "He was just trying to help….werent you hon? You WERE trying to help, right?"
"Look, I'm sorry guys…I mean..well…the tickets were so cheap, I coulda swore the homeless guy with the dreadlocks said they were for Tahiti. I was trying to save us a few bucks so we could all spend a bit more time just hanging out and stuff….sorry.."
And with that, he grabbed what was left of his case after the airline had "processed" it, and headed up to his and Cheryl's room.
"Damneth." Donar felt deep shame. "Tis true…he wert only doingeth his best to bring joy upon us andst we doth reward him with scorn. I deserve not a true friend such as he.."
"That's if he's a real guy, Do'." Enty added.
"Nay, friend Jamie…real or not real, he art a true friend."
"He's right" Lisa noted. "We screwed up. C'mon…lets go do whatever the hell it is they do on this god forsaken pit of a holiday destination."
Within an hour, they were all back at the hotel, lounging around on the floor in Visz and Cheryl's room.
"Who knew that the only sport they play here is zombie-head polo?" Cheryl queried.
Enty's hand went up. "I should probably also warn you that if we eat out, avoid the brains."
"I always do." Visz noted.
"There being is must SOMETHING can we be doing! Be swimming?"
"Sharks." Tina pointed out.
"Um..be bathing in sun?"
"Bats and mosquitoes."
"Be dinner eating?"
"Nope. Brains."
Yo produced a crumpled flier from her beachbag. "What being about this for fun having?"
Enty took a look it. "A Luau?"
Lisa was suspicious. "A Luau in Haiti. Why does that sound like a B-Grade slasher film waiting to happen??"
"You're thinking of "Satan's Beach Party pt II" but I can understand the confusion…it was a rather pathetic attempt at a sequel after "The Hawaiian Coconut Massacre", and…what."
Enty stopped speaking for a secong to notice the looks he was receiving. "Well..you know…the armour has cable, and I had nothing better to do.."
Visz ran out of the room.
"Hun?" Cheryl called out after her beau, "I think we should be extra careful from now on…something isn't right."
Visionary called out from the suitcase he was digging through. "What? Where's my sombrero? How can I go to a good old Mexican Luau without my "Party Animal" sombrero??"
"Uh..Mexic..?" Donar started before being cut off by Cheryl. "He's happy." She said. "Let's just go along with it, this once."
Within an hour, the group found themselves on the beach. Well. They were near water anyway. And there was dirt that sort of resembled sand if you squinted long enough. As they walked along the coast, they came to the Luau. It was pretty much what they'd expected. There was a bonfire, a few tables set up with festive decorations, and a band playing steel guitar and festive rythyms.
"Pincheth me." Lisa obliged before he'd gotten the chance to say not to.
"I can't believe this…it IS a luau. Oooh! Coconuts!" Visz ran over to the bar, the others trailing in his dust. All but Enty had a drink. He didn't want to get arrested for utilising an armoured exoskeleton under the influence.
Lisa pointed out some guys further down the beach. "Look. An ancient Luau ritual."
All huddled behind Lisa, in shock at the savagery of the process.
"They art mad…madder than e'en the most furious berserker!" Donar noted.
"I can't believe this is happening in public…and that that one guy there isn't dead from what they're doing!" Cheryl stated in horror
"Oh my god. He's not going to..ugh. He did. He ate the worm."
The sound of an empty Tequila bottle hitting the ground echoed like a gunshot.
"Well." Visionary said, holding his festive tourist drink with pride. "If he hadda just gotten one of these hollow coconuts with swizzle sticks and all these umbrellas on it, I daresay he'd have all his internal organs in the morning."
"What is that anyway?" Cheryl asked.
"Beer. I think. I'm still looking for the straw. I've already stabbed myself on the little French flag twice."
"Hey look!!" Lisa shouted! "A limbo dance!! C'mon, let's try it!!"
They ran over to the Limbo as quickly as they could…the scent of roasting ham and pineapple filled the air, intoxicating those that weren't already trying to get hammered.
"Quick!" Cheryl said "Let's get in the line so we don't have to wait."
Yo paused. "I am not thinking is good thing being to be under stick dancing."
Yo's hesitation to enjoy herself, and see her friends happy caused them all to stop.
"Yo? Whatfore dost thou senseth?"
Yo looked at the faces of all the people at the party, and asked her friends to do the same.
"Oh….my…."Enty exhaled. Everyone around them had solid white eyes.
"I'm sure there's a perfectly logical reason for this.." Visz defended, getting a little sensitive at all that was seemingly going wrong. "It could be a Marilyn Manson Fan Club thing…or they could be blind…"
One of the partygoers threw a bottle directly at Visz's face, which Donar caught.
"Blind art they naught. But if they doth wish to picketh a fight, tis that which they shalt haveth!!"
Donar swung Mjalcolm from his belt and cast it at the offending Luauer. The sound of dropping a watermelon stuffed with puppies off a tall building followed.
Mjalcolm returned to Donar's hand, covered in black slimy chunks. "Uh..THAT I didst NOT expecteth."
"What the.." Lisa was used to hands groping her, but they never really bothered her. However, the fact that these hands were not connected to a person, did. "AAAAAHH!" She quickly stamped on them, getting more goo on her flip-flops.
"I'm sure there's a perfectly logical reason for this.." Visz started again. "..Like zombies. I give up. We're in Haiti, and there's zombies. Dammit."
An all out splatfest ensued. There was no real battle to speak of, it was really a group of powered individuals trying not to get goo in places that would be hard to wash later. Donar was actually yawning. He'd gotten some joy at first, but now it was like playing ping-pong with a ten-foot wide paddle…no challenge. Lisa had opted for letting Donar whack the slimier beasties, while Visionary was growing pretty impressed with the fact that he could out manoeuvre dead people in battle. Except for that one that pulled his nose. That was a fluke. Yo noticed that even with wave after wave of cadavers attacking, there seemed to be one man not moving much at all. He was just standing there…laughing at them…
"Donar!" Yo summoned "Is being I think man who bosses the peoples that are smelly dead and hitting us over there."
Donar looked over as a zombie disintegrated trying to hurt him. Yo was right. "I say mine friends, resist not the dead legions. Allow them to battle unopposed."
"Are you out of your friggin' mind Godboy?" Enty enquired politely.
"Nay. They art harmless…trusteth me."
The group did so, and the zombies also stopped.
The man on the beach was no impressed with this. "Ju weel all be dying now, mon. Ja cannot be usin da peece like dat. Ju gonna have to pey for ju decisiyown!"
"Uh…the decision to not limbo, ot the one to not fight, tough guy?"Enty asked.
"Ja choice to be relaxin' and leddin the zombies do dere ting witout ju hittin dem, Mon."
"Yo saw your dance limbo was a gate opening into real Limbo stupid bad person. Yo not let friends go to limbo limbo." Yo threatened.
"Ju not be havin da say in it no mo, liddle womon. Ja be prepparin to meet ja endin' ."
"And just who the Hell are you?" Lisa demanded.
"Ja being.." The enigmatic Rastafarian stepped closer to the bonfire so his visage was clear to them all. He wore a red, yellow and green cloak, with a metal facemask and long natty dreadlocks.."..Ja being…Dr Voodoom!"
"………….what?" Lisa asked again, praying for his sake that she'd misheard him.
"Ja bein' Victor Von Voodoom, chile! Forgets it not or y'all be doomed!"
"That is IT!!" Lisa erupted. "Enough with the Dr Doom wannabes!!" She stormed over to the dreadlocked despot, nostrils flared. He, not knowing any better, didn't run. His bad. As his testicles met his Adam's apple, courtesy of Lisa's foot, he realised his grievous error.
"WAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!……*whimper*…ja….bein…in…a.whole worlda…*sigh*…trouble.." was the best he could do before passing out
"Damn. What a lame villian. I sure hope he doesn't show up again." Cheryl commented, picking bits of stray brainmeat off her beloved's sombrero.
"If he knows what's good for him, he'll stay dead…unlike his little helpers." Lisa fumed as she returned to the group. Four remaining zombies stood feeling rather awkward. "Well?" She asked of them. "Off you go. Shoo."
They shuffled off in a hurried manner, dragging their embarrassment behind them.
The team walked off in the other direction, back towards the hotel.
"Was it just me.." Visionary asked "…or did that zombie in the vest kinda look like Jarvis?"
A short time later, and everyone was back in their rooms. Enty, Tina and Yo, Cheryl and Adam, and luck of the draw had lead to Donar and Lisa sharing a room.
"Luck mine godly ass.." Donar mumbled to himself. "Methinks something art rotten in Denmark."
Lisa stepped out of the ensuite, almost wearing a black negligee. Donar put his head under the pillow.
"Oh Do-nar?" Lisa sang. He wasn't getting out of it that easily.
"Uh..aye milady?"
"Arent you…forgetting something?"
"Nay..uh, I hast already brushed mine teeth."
She stalked over to the other side of the double bed. "No, not that…something…else?"
Her voice dripped like syrup. Evil syrup. Now Donar knew how Adam and Eve felt when that damned snake showed up.
"You know, Do.." Lisa began, trailing a fingernail down his naked back "With us being on holiday and out of character….you can't really say no to me.."
"AYE!!" Donar sat upright and overjoyed. "And by thy logic, thou canst asketh me not!!"
"…….." Lisa replied, undone by her own logic. "Damn. Well…good night, Donar."
Donar smiled. "Aye. Sleep well, milady."
"But you do realise that this trip officially ends at midnight?" Lisa added from her pillow. "Which is in about…..26 minutes?"
Donar froze. It was useless. He was trapped. Yo came bursting through the door.
"Lisa and Donar being awake now please!! Jamie idea has for alarm clock that Yo not sleeping anywhere near!! Yo can sleep in bed with beautiful friends?"
"Well, sorry Yo, but.." Lisa began.
"OF COURSE THOU CANST! In facteth, The Oldmanson shalt sleepeth on thy floor, so that Lisa's and Yo's comfort art uppermost!"
"Damn." Lisa repeated. "Damn damn."
And with that, Yo slept safely, Lisa slept dreamily, and Donar slept with one eye open…just in case.