Dynamic Donar #39
Friday, 06-Nov-98 06:16:59

203.29.193.62 writes:

As we last left our Dynamic Duo, they had cross-examined Spawn Pty. Ltd. out of existence in the parodyverse.
The judge, Ally, and in fact, most of the courtroom's occupants sat in disbelief at the first witness's abduction/disappearance/just desserts.
Donar and Lisa, on the other hand, had the expression one would have when "accidentally" sitting on a spa jet.
Shock, followed by intense pleasure.
Lisa: "Donar, how did you do that, my naughty Nordic?"
Donar: "I knoweth not, Milady. I didst ask mine weapon to summon the one who felt most slighted by Al's actions. I had actually hoped for the entity known as "The Comics Code"."
Lisa: "Well it was better than we could have wished for. No witness means no case. We should be out of here in no time at all. So, err, do you have anything planned for the victory party?"
Donar: "Victory art not mine yet to grasp, Lisa. I hath a funny feeling in the pits of my bowel"
Lisa: "You didn't eat one of those Courthouse Hotdogs from those street vendors did ya?
Man, not even Galactus could stomach one a' those things. Mind you they do serve another purpose quite well..."
Donar: "Nay. I hast not eaten since mine departure from Emoh S'ranod this morn. It art not a hunger pang I feel. I sense..danger?"

Ally rises and addresses the Judge.
Ally: "I call forth my second witness...The Amazing Spider-Man!!"

The courtroom doors open yet again.
No one enters
Ally: ".... THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN!!"
Still nothing.
Judge: "Bailiff ? Go and fetch Bug-boy, will you?"
The bailiff exits the court and returns a few moments later, empty-handed.
Bailiff: "There's no one there, your honor. There's just a bin with a costume burning in it"
Lisa: "Whattya know? Byrne actually helped us!"
Ally, somewhat flustered, rustles through some papers
Judge: "Well, Ms. Bareass?"
Ally: "Um...just a sec, your honor....I call...Batman!!"

The camera tilts to a ridiculous angle, and the room comes over all Tim Burton-esque.
A man, dressed as a flying rodent, saunters into the room, and takes his place in the witness box.
Bailiff: "Do you promise to tell the truth, so help you God?"
Batman: "That I do, civil servant, that I do"
Ally: " Batman thank you for coming. I will ask you one question before I hand you over to the defence counsel. Why do you dress like a bat?"
Batman inhales, filling his lungs, before answering in one breath
Batman: "Because when my parents were killed by an unknown burglar as a child I dedicated the rest of my life to stopping criminal scum from ever hurting the innocent people of this fine town of Gotham again and in a recent survey 9
out of 10 scummy criminals answered that the image of a bat was spooky and would terrify them and I've already got the Batmobile so it kinda makes sense in fact my main method of handling crime is to intimidate the yucky bad guys
with my scary spooky costume and then baffle them with my incredible detective cunning much like Donar tries to do but without the detective bit..(pant pant pant)"
Ally: "No further questions"

Lisa approaches Batman, observing the various lumps and bumps in his costume.
Lisa: "So....Batman."
Batman: "Yes?"
Lisa, ogling his codpiece: "Where do you get those wonderful toys?"
Batman: "From the Batcave"
Lisa: "And what else is in the "Batcave"?"
Batman: "Well, there's my Batarangs, Batmobile, Batboat, Batglider, Batarmour, Batcomputer, Batbutler, Bat.."
Lisa: "O.K., we get the idea. Joke's over.Why do you feel that my client has infringed on your trademarks?"
Batman: "Well, he uses fear as a tool in defeating crime. That's my schtick"
Lisa : "But as you said, don't you also have a great detective mind?"
Batman: "Well, I, uh, yes, I suppose so."
Lisa: "And you are an Olympic-level athlete?"
Batman: "Um..Yes."
Lisa: "And you are highly trained in the martial arts?"
Batman: "....yes"
Lisa: "So you could, theoretically, kick my client's ass?"
Batman: "Well, um.."
Lisa: "Yes Or No?"
Batman: "With or without batarangs?"
Lisa: "Man to man. No toys. Could you win?"
Batman: "Yes, I think so."
Lisa: "Your honor, with your permission?"
Judge, awaking from daydream involving Lisa and Ally: "Huh? Yeah, why the hell not."
Donar and Batman face each other on the center of the courtroom. Batman reaches to undo his utility belt.
Lisa: "OOH!! Can I do that?"
She is too late, the belt is already off.
Donar places Mjalcom on the table and backs away. It returns to his hand.
He drops it. It returns again.
Donar: "Silly me"
Donar peels the "Property of Donar" sticker off the handle and puts it in his pocket.
Mjalcom falls to the ground.
Like two gunfighters, they size each other up. A tumbleweed floats by.
Batman steps forward
Batman: "Ordinarily I wouldn't want to fight one as noble as you. But it would seem the fates have.."
He is stopped mid-sentence by a crippling pain emanating from his crotch. Donar kicks him again.
Donar: "Thou dost talk too much, Rodent."
Batman lies prostate on the ground, barely moving, except for the occasional twinge of complete agony.
Lisa: "I put it to you that this is not Batman, but a fraud. The real Batman would've won, wouldn't he?"
Batman: "(whimper)"
Batman knows he has one choice. Honor or Ego. Everything he stands for lies in the balance of the scales of justice.
Whether or not this embarrassment will destroy his reputation does not matter. He must do what is right.
Lisa: "Well? Are you the Batman?"
Batman looks up at Lisa with a defiant pride
"I'm...a...fake..."
The paramedic team carries him out on a stretcher, and load him into an awaiting Ambulance.

Lisa: "Two down, one to go."