Posted by DYNAMIC DONAR Vol II, #1 on November 26, 2000 at 05:47:34:
DYNAMIC DONAR Vol II, #1
Deareth Diary,
Twould seem a shopping expedition art in order. After Enty's attempts with yon busted television portal, and Visionary's insistence on wearing a welding mask whilst using it, tis only right that the Oldmanson dost tarry not, and retrieve a new wonderous device for mine allies…."
"Donar??" Cheryl enquired through the closed door. "We're ready to go, big guy. Are you done in there?"
"Aye milady Shezza." The Hemigod replied. "I art just adding a note to mine diary so we may go henceforth unto the breach and purchase yon implement." He closed the tattered old tome, and walked out.
"Hey…nice look." Lisa remarked. She was referring to Donar's recent change of "costume" He had not seen battle in a while, so had hung up his armor for a more casual look of jeans, singlet and boots.
"I especially like the tigerskin bikini briefs…uh…that you might be wearing…because I couldn't possibly KNOW you're wearing them….if you are…that would require ESP..."
"….or drilling a peephole in your adjoining wall." Cheryl added, receiving the expected elbow to the ribs from Lisa.
"Come forth! Let us be off!" Donar exclaimed needlessly.
They were off, and the intrepid group began their walk to the Mall. It was all a part of Yo's plan to teach the others about the wonders of nature. They got to walk a few steps and Yo would say "Mmm.. tree very pretty is. Yo be liking this tree most of all!" ending the statement by running over and hugging the tree. This however, was repeated for every tree along the route. Enty made a mental note to re-plan their route home with a little less foliage.
"You know" Visionary said, almost intelligently "This wouldn't be so time consuming if Yo was trying to hug something that moved. You know. Like a taxi. On it's way to the Mall. TAXI!!"
"Now sweetheart." Cheryl said. "I know this is a little strange, seeing as we only ever walk when the car is broken. Or when Enty fixes it. But a little exercise might be good for us, not that your slight paunch bothers me."
Visz self-consciously put his hands on his stomach…he didn't feel like a guy with a spare-tire. Truth be told he didn't even LOOK like a guy with any fat on him at all. Still, Cheryl's words took the desired effect, and he instantly began to pick up the pace a little with a spring in his step.
"Come on you lot…we'll never get there dawdling the whole way." Visz exclaimed, leading them like a crazed power-walker.
Lisa sidled up to Cheryl. "You're cruel."
Cheryl grinned. "No dear…I'm married. It's called diplomacy."
After arriving at the mall, and Cheryl telling Visz that his paunch had miraculously disappeared in the 14-block walk, they headed to Crazy Achmed's Discount Electrical Barn. Donar couldn't have timed the accidental demise of the TV any better. Well, obviously, NOT killing it would have been better, but then they would have never have experienced the sheer joy of the "Every Man and His Camel" sale. Enty looked into the store as though he was a kid going into a candy store. Which he pretty much was.
"Can I help you?" Said Rob the salesperson. He had an unfortunate name. He knew it.
"Aye Rob, that you may." Donar began. "I would have your finest portal of Xena viewing posthaste andst henceforth."
"……." Rob continued.
Yo stepped up to alleviate the clerk's confusion. "What Donar says be saying am for to be buying television new, but not new broken kind like have we now. And big one, with much bunny channels."
Rob pinched his own arm and grimaced. He then silently regretted ever smoking pot in college.
"My turn" Enty pulled the very confused Rob towards him. Rob was thankful to be away from the big baseball bat guy and the dyslexic Zorro guy, until he realised he was even closer to an armored Borg guy. "It's ok." Enty reassured him. "We're superheroes."
"No! There will be no villain fights in MY store." An Arabian gentleman stormed towards them. "I am Crazy Achmed, and I am sorry but you must leave. Heroes are bad for business."
"It's Ok, Achmed…" Lisa purred…"We're also customers…and I'd love to see your HUGE…discounts."
Achmed fell for it. It wasn't his fault. He was male.
"Very well..uh..young lady." Achmed replied, straightening his comb-over with a sweaty palm." Lisa shuddered.
They were led to a large separate room, an entire wall adorned with hundreds of televisions. "This is our television room" Achmed said redundantly. "What…size…were you after." He asked Lisa.
"The bigger the better" she said, managing to restrain the urge to laugh.
"Well…this is the Visitron 5000. Picture in picture, simulated surround sound and hi res imagining with dither filter."
"Really?" Visz nodded, seemingly with a clue."How many channels does it have?"
Cheryl whispered in his ear. Diplomacy at work again.
"Uh..I mean..does it have a full function remote control and RCA Inputs for gaming devices?" he corrected.
"Ah. A man who knows his product!" Achmed commented, going for an up-sell. "In that case, perhaps the Optimax VI will be better suited to any….needs…that may…come up." He drooled, ogling Lisa's thigh. Donar stepped between them, somewhat jealously.
Poor Rob was still with Enty on the shop floor, going through manuals, advertising releases and all sorts of specifics of almost every appliance they had.
"Hah…see this?" Enty remarked, pointing out a node on the schematic diagram for a Gameboy. "If they used a B12 reverse linked conduit here, and added a bipolar switch here, you'd be able to control the Government's spy satellites over China." Rob felt under the counter for the silent alarm, then realised they didn't have one.
"So…you got any Gameboys? I'll need about…thirty four?" Enty enquired.
"Uh..no. No Gameboys. None. At all." Rob lied.
"What about that one there"
"Which one?" Rob tried to stall him.
"That one. The one in the display case."
"It's..uh…it's shopsoiled. And it's a fake one. For display purposes. Non-satellite controlling display purposes."
"Oh. OK. I'll just have four Dreamcasts, a PS2, sixteen toasters with timers and an egg beater."
"..Do I want to know what you're going to do with them."
Enty grinned. "Christmas presents."
Rob breathed a sigh of relief.
"And build a cyborg."
Achmed hadn't really noticed the extremely large gentleman with the baseball bat. To be honest, he was having trouble noticing anything that wasn't connected to Lisa. Unfortunately for him, Donar was connected to Lisa as well. Well, not the way Lisa would like, but you know what I mean, dammit.
"Thou wouldst do well to show me thy televisions with much haste, Achmed. I have not time to tarry here and hear thy lust-ridden ramblings."
The group had never seen Donar actually threaten anyone that wasn't wearing spandex and trying to kill them. It was kind of scary.
"Uh..I see sir." Achmed stuttered. "My apologies, of course."
Donar smiled. "Very well. Now. Thy portals of viewing. I wish to see thy best one."
"Well, this is pretty much all we have here…" he fiddled with the uni-remote that turned the entire wall of televisions on. From all around them a cry rang forth..
"IEEE..YIYIYIYIYIYIYIII" Xena cried, flipping over Ares' head and kicking him to the ground.
Donar stood transfixed as the Warrior Princess fought of Ares' hordes unhindered. One after another they fell. Donar cheered her on.
"Aye milady! Tis thy warrior's spirit that makes thee worthy of e'en mighty Mjalcom!"
Cheryl, Lisa, Yo and Visz slowly edged towards Achmed, as he went to turn the TVs off.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you…" Cheryl warned him. " Let's just back away slowly, come back in say...14 minutes?"
Enty greeted his newly returned allies with a trolley full of appliances. "Hey guys…where's Donar?"
"Wall of televisions." Visz explained eloquently
"Buffy?"
"Xena."
"Uh oh. Guess we better pray it's not a two part episode, huh? You remember what he was like that week when they left Xena hanging off a cliff."
Rob walked into the TV room, thinking that kids had been playing with the controls again. The boss had always said that too much noise never sold anything. He was confronted by a jubilant Thunder Deity swinging a baseball bat around his head, and cheering.
"Uh…sir? You need anything?" Rob enquired as Xena's credits rolled on 200 screens, big and small.
"Aye lad! Thou hast found me MOST jubilant!" Donar slammed his large hand triumphantly on a 78inch screen television." I hath decided anon. I'll take it!"
"The Projecticon 8000…nice choice."
"Nay lad, thou didst misunderstand.."
After the walk home, and more obligatory acts of tree affection from Yo, the heroes sat around LOR HQ quite exhausted. Cheryl and Lisa sat in the kitchen, waiting for the kettle to boil for two cups of tea. They could've used the urn Enty rewired, but the "HAZCHEM" sign was a little disturbing, and they were always forgetting the launch codes.
"So." Cheryl started. "Looks like Do was a little protective today, huh?"
"I think it's sweet." Lisa admitted.
"Yeah…he has his moments. And of course, you never intended to MAKE him jealous?"
"I have no idea what you mean." Lisa lied.
Cheryl pointed at her wedding ring. " Diplomacy. Remember?"
"Well." Lisa confessed. "Maybe a little. New plan. That's all I'm gonna say."
"The force is strong in you, young Skywalker." Cheryl laughed. A truck horn blared..
"TV IS HERE DELIVERED BEING!!" Yo shrieked with delight. The group ran to the door to see which one Donar had chosen. He had been rather elusive as to his purchase since they had gotten back.
A delivery guy walked towards the door.
"Please be the Visitron 5000…with the…thingy-bits and that other function." Visionary prayed to the Television Gods.
"Yo be wanting bunny channels television." Yo stated for the thirtieth time today.
Donar smiled.
"Hey pal…this LOR HQ?" the nameless delivery extra over-acted.
"Aye. Tis indeed" Donar informed him. "Here art thy payment for mine purchase." He added, handing over a fairly large velvet pouch.
"OK." Delivery guy said. "Where to you want these 238 televisions?"
Donar smiled. "Everywhere."
"He bought the whole wall….." Enty said, dumbstruck. "That is so…Elvis."