Real Name: Well, according to Dr Valium, it's Ioldabaoth Winkelweald. If you believe a rabbit, that is.
Occupation: Archvillain
Identity: Nobody even remembers the thirty-nine times to date that the Hood has taken over the planet. That's the price of fame. One day's supreme ruler, the next day's old news.
Legal Status: Insane
Other Current Aliases: the cowled crime-czar
Known Relatives: Well, does a stuffed toy named Pooty in Hell count?
Group Affiliation: Employer of minions known as the Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum, Stroker's Island
First Appearance: Pre-retcon All-Sinners Squad #5; modern age BZL board April '99
History: Caught at the moment of his supreme triumph over the Lair Legion by the backlash of Baron Zemo's war with the Byrne, the Hooded Hood's ability to retcon history was reversed upon himself, carving him from BZL archives and Lair Legion continuity. Recently and unwittingly provided with a way back to the Parodyverse by the unwary Jarvis, the Hooded Hood now plans his greatest, most nefarious, master-plan.
Height: Imposingly tall
Eyes: Glowing green with an insane lust for power
Hair: Concealed by his shadowy grey hood
Strength Level: "Strength is a matter of will, not sinew"
Known Superhuman Powers: The Hooded Hood can make retrospective continuity changes to mainstream continuity. Side effects of this are the ability to always get the right play of shadows across his face, the knack of timing his statements to synchronise perfectly with the thunder in the background, and the gift of discerning what would have happened if things had just gone differently. The Hood has control of the Portal of Pretentiousness, a strange device which allows his to snatch people from their own continuity lines. He is currently using it to recruit a team of retconned supervillains, the Purveyors of Peril, to face the Lair Legion
VelcroVixen
Real Name: Vicki Vee
Occupation: Fetishwear Model
Identity: Formerly publicly revealed (in that embarrassing incident with Jarvis, the dissolving costume, and the Tupperware convention); now forgotten due to the retconning of the Hooded Hood.
Legal Status: Citizen of the US with a massive retconned-away list of convictions for theft, extortion, animal molestations, and presidential fellatio.
Known Relatives: Monica Lewinsky
Group Affiliation: Now main hormonal selling point and deputy-leader of the Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum, Stroker's Island, or a penthouse that doesn't belong to her somewhere on the West Coast
First Appearance: Tales to Admonish #122
History: No way is this stuff gonna get printed on a nice family board like this. Uh-uh! And certainly not all that stuff with the dwarves and the ben-gay lotion. Just make it up for yourselves. Let's just say she was once Jarv's favourite villainess, and that now she's retconned he's going to be real puzzled about how he got those scars on his inner thigh.
Height: Michelle Pfeiffer
Weight: Victoria Principal
Eyes: Kim Basinger
Hair: Jane Seymour
Strength Level: She can out-wrestle Jarvis three times out of four.
Known Superhuman Powers: None. She's just real agile, real good with pointy things, real clever at unlocking things, real ruthless at manipulating people, and real stylish in being able to put up sales of magazines when she appears on the cover in bondage.
The appalling Appendage Man
Real Name: Milton Freebish
Occupation: Former rubber appliance manufacturer, now full time psychotic serial killer
Identity: Nobody has stayed alive long enough to find out his origin
Legal Status: Criminally insane; he ate the judge at his first trial
Place of Birth: Hell, Nebraska
Marital Status: He's after your wife.
Known Relatives: All eaten
Group Affiliation: the Purveyors of Peril. Until he eats them.
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum, Stroker's Island; specifically the septic tank
First Appearance: Fin Fang Foom Special Edition #3 (fold-out foil cover version)
History: After a terrible accident with a condom machine and a radioactive isotope, mild-mannered Milton Freebish rampaged across the world as the insane Appendage Man. Foom eventually faced down the villain in an eat-or-be-eaten showdown, as recently recapped in "The Hooded Hood and the Pruveyors of Peril" (about twenty-three clicks down the new, improved BZL board). Appendage Man has now been retconned from all previous appearances and is waiting a new chance to do unspeakable things to his draconic foe.
Height: Variable
Weight: Variable
Eyes: Variable in colour and number
Hair: Variable, look, haven't you got the idea yet that this guy is constantly shifting shapes and growing new and ever more bizarre appendages?
Strength Level: Variable
Known Superhuman Powers: Able to shift shape and form a range of increasingly obscene limbs and, uh, bits. Foomy really had to watch his back in this fight.
Mother Whipcord
Occupation: Mother Superior at the Little Sisters of Discipline Orphanage
Identity: Publicly known, although not known as anything other than a doer of charitable deeds to needy and helpless orphans
Legal Status: On a mission from God
Marital Status: Hey, she's a nun. Work it out.
Known Relatives: Her sisters are her only family, bound together, so to speak, by their passion for their mission
Group Affiliation: Little Sisters Orphanage, temporarily with the Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Little Sisters Orphanage, where one little orphan has strayed from the fold. But not for long…
First Appearance: Legal Tales #1 (also first pre-crisis appearance of Lisa)
History: In the pre-retcon version of Lisa's origin, Mother Whiplash was in charge of the convent where Lisa was brought up, and from which she escaped before being finally inducted as a Little Sister. Fortunately for poor, lost Lisa, Mother Whiplash has been rescued from that defunct timeline to come and remind her that there's no place like home, and to provide the moral discipline that her life has been so lacking for the past few years.
Strength Level: Strong enough to teach you a lesson or two, you bad, BAD girl.
Known Superhuman Powers: A Voice Which Cannot Be Denied, a Stare Which Can Freeze Blood, and a variety of painful ways of disciplining sinners who have been very naughty.
Gromm, The Living Flatulence
Occupation: Horrible monster, once trapped beneath the sea in that spurious Atlantis knock-off that Banjooooo rules over.
Legal Status: Well, he does actually have the mineral wealth rights to that same spurious knock-off.
Other Current Aliases: What the hell is that smell? Was that you?
Marital Status: Married to the lovely Aroma
Known Relatives: My Uncle Max
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril; formerly a member of the Five Sensory Overloads (along with Audiocassette, Vindaloo, Camay-Girl, and Benneton Jumper)
Base of Operations: Wherever the smells are thickest
First Appearance: Weird Water Tales #45
History: When Banjooooo set out to find what had died under his throne room he never expected to release the terrible elemental force of smell now known as the Living Flatulence. Alone and as part of the Sensory overloads, Gromm has added his distinctive flavour to the colourful adventures of the King of the Sea Monkeys. In fact, he is the reason that Sea Monkey's actually have no noses (as a genetically bred race created by the Abhumans to guard the prison of the terrible Living Flatulence). Of course, Banjooooo won't remember any of this retconned stuff until it's all too late.
Height: Smells with height? Gimme a break!
Strength Level: Pretty powerful, somewhere between gorgonzola and a Grateful Dead open air concert public toilet.
Known Superhuman Powers: He's a huge smell. He gasses people. He's caustic. He makes your eyes burn. Don't light up cigarettes anywhere nearby if you value your eyebrows.
Hämmerblade
Real Name: Djon Blyke
Occupation: Hairdresser
Identity: Secret
Legal Status: Wanted for ravaging and pillaging
Place of Birth: Bjorkgard
Group Affiliation: The Snifleinheim Slayers, the Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Curl Up and Dye Hairdressing Salon, New Parody City
First Appearance: AMB Message Board April Fool's Day Hoax
History: Rescued by the Hooded Hood from being a one-shot parody on the intermittently reliable Alvarez boards, the nine-foot, red-haired Norse killing machine is looking forward to making Ysgard-burgers out of his never-yet met-enemy Donar.
Hair: Long, red, and beautifully braided
Strength Level: Megahuman; his breath is even stronger
Known Superhuman Powers: Controlling the winds, the tempest, the lightning, everything but his temper really; being very strong and most definitely bulletproof. Using Mjunkir to hit things or stab things, or to hit and stab things.
Ambitions: Reaving, pillaging, wenching, ravaging, scarfing, and bringing the permanent wave back into fashion. Oh, and "sticking Mjalcolm so far up Donar's a** that they'll have to invent a Mjalcomectomy just to get it out again, forsooth."
Expired Warranty
Real Name: the late Z.X. Sinclair
Occupation: Former Betamax videotape machine designer
Legal Status: Deceased. As dead as 8-track.
Other Current Aliases: Spanner Boy
Place of Birth: Silicon Valley
Marital Status: Hey, he was a techno-nerd. Now he's a dead techno-nerd? You expect him to have had relationships? Perhaps a brief fling with Virtual Valerie.
Known Relatives: No-one's gonna claim this little wiener
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Inside Intel
First Appearance: Journey Into Monotony #320
History: Raised as an undead after killing himself when even a desperate blood hungry vampire wouldn't give him a hickey, Expired Warranty gained the ability to cause any technology to malfunction simply by admiring it. This brought him up against NTU-150 in the classic "If This Be My Toaster…" trilogy (JiM #320-337), but that's as long-retconned as the death of Phoenix. Height: 5'7" without the unpleasant Kirby headgear
Weight: 180 lb weakling. Sand kicked him in the face.
Eyes: Watery grey, now with little "working" computer icons reflected in them
Hair: Greasy
Strength Level: Still pretty feeble, actually
Known Superhuman Powers: Basically, he can make stuff go wrong. Since NTU-150 doesn't exactly need an enemy to make that happen, Expired Warranty was able to make a real nuisance of himself. Fans really loved the storyline where the two of them accidentally exchanged bodies in the middle of a double date. But that was before the retconning. Think of NTU's joy at being reunited with his lamer opposite number.
Indigo Impostor
Real Name: Even he's forgotten
Identity: Anyone he decides to be at the moment.
Legal Status: Doesn't exist
Other Current Aliases: Well, most recently he was CrazySugarFreakBoy over in the Dark Knight's latest story
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: The nicest room in the LAir Fortress
First Appearance: Tales to Admonish #102
History: The Indigo Imposter, long-time adversary of the Dark knight, has recently been retconned out of continuity by the Hooded Hood so as to really, really surprise the Dark Knight. "Detect that, suckah", as the I.I. is looking forward to saying. The two first met in that big factory full of giant playing cards during the Dark Knight's now forgotten camp era, when he and Knight Boy escaped the Imposter by using their Anti-Imposter Sprays from their Utility Socks. But the Imposter came into his own during the grim and gritty "Insane Justice of the Dark Knight" limited series, where the DK beat the crap out of him eleven times in three issues just for crossing the street against a red light. Height: Same as you
Weight: Same as you
Eyes: Same as you
Hair: Same as you
Strength Level: Same as you. Spot a pattern here?
Known Superhuman Powers: The Imposter can take on the form and powers of anyone or anything that isn't coloured yellow. Whilst working with the Hooded Hood he seems to have additionally gained the ability to not be noticed whatever he does. That's why he can happily live in the LAir Fortress, eat their food, swap around their videotapes, try on Lisa's underwear, whatever he likes, and nobody's going to ever suspect him.
PsychoAcidPervGal!
Real Name: claims that it's Gwendolyn Leslie, but frankly who's going to believe a spaced-out drug-powered super-villainess wearing a cherry-red and violet costume with smiley-faces on it?
Occupation: Seducer of the Innocent, Frederick Wertham's worst nightmare
Identity: Known in this continuity strand only to Dreamcatcher Foxglove (CrazySugarFreakBoy!) and his mother Meggan Foxxx, and to her teammates in the Purveyors of Peril
Legal Status: A minor, so watch yourself.
Known Relatives: claims to be CrazySugarFreakBoy's sister. So why is she so hot for him? That's sick!
Group Affiliation: Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Wherever she lays her hat, that's her home.
First Appearance: Destruction of CrazySugarFreakBoy Graphic Novel (now retconned - real shame, brilliant Neil Adams artwork, man, and it's all gone now!)
History: Well, you really need to check Kirk's posting under the last Hooded Hood story, but basically she comes from an alternate timeline in which CrazySugarFreakBoy was a much more substantial hero leading a pack of misfit former villains seeking redemption. When his partner, GoofyGadgetGrrlScout! is slain by PsychoAcidPervGal!, CSFB goes off the edge and in his thirst for revenge leads his team into an ambush where they're all crippled or killed. That reality's CSFB kills himself just after his attempt to destroy PAPG is foiled as the Hooded Hood pulls her from continuity to join the Purveyors. It's all pretty grim, but you can't deny it 'cause it's right there in Kirk's posting.
Height: 5'6"
Eyes: Violet and unfocused
Hair: Sunset violet
Strength Level: Proportional to the strength of the junk she's on.
Known Superhuman Powers: Pretty much like CrazySugarFreakBoy's, amplified by that strange supersuit but powered by all kinds of nasty, illegal substances that all you kiddies gotta, Just Say No, To, alright. Remember, don't try this at home.
I'm guessing Kirk might post an expanded update of this character in time for her subsequent appearances.
Headcase
Real Name: Eugene Tuppett
Occupation: Purveyor of fine gentlemen's headwear for the discriminating gentleman
Identity: Secret; he creeps out at night to become the evil nemesis of bareheaded cultureless crass cretins
Legal Status: Resident of Paradopolis, and the only one who misses New Parody City
Known Relatives: An aunt in Minnesota and a great-aunt in Hell, Nebraska
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: Mr Tuppet's Headwear Emporium, tasteful cranial coverings for the discerning First Appearance: Hatman Dollar Comics #7, back-up feature, "Headcase's Horror Yarns" History: Enrages that the titfer was going out of fashion, Eugene Tuppett started out as your basic psychotic serial-killer, stalking and beheading anyone he found who wasn't wearing a hat. After his initial confrontation with Hatman in Pointless Tales #188 where he died horribly in his own guillotine machine, he returned after making a pact with the sinister Mefrothto with the power to take on the abilities of anybody whose head he placed on his own, headless shoulders. He was recruited out of his own continuity by the Hooded hood before the new Lair Legion line-up was posted, and he's going to be really pissed if he doesn't have a chance to add Hatman's head to his collection. He'll take Jarvis at a pinch, though.
Height: 5'4" plus the head and the hat
Eyes: Well, variable really, when you think about it
Hair: See above. But you can guarantee that they'll be wearing fashionable headgear
Strength Level: Supernaturally enhanced
Known Superhuman Powers: pretty much as described above. He has quite a collection of heads to choose from. For example, he does a really mean Elvis impression…
Partycrasher
Real Name: He-Guy of Eternia
Occupation: As one of the Northern Exposure Aeterals, He-Guy has dedicated millennia to the study of muscle-flexing.
Identity: Nobody wants to know who he really is
Legal Status: Bound by law not to come within two hundred yards of Cher
Other Current Aliases: The Studmeister, Babe Magnet, Disco Heat, Shag Attack, and anything else he can think of during his initial chat-up line
Known Relatives: All the other Aeternals, although they might not want to admit it
Group Affiliation: Purveyors of Peril
Base of Operations: A pretty groovy bachelor pad in Aeternia, with leopard-skin walls and a circular black-sheeted bed
First Appearance: Tales to Offend #109
History: "Hey, babe, Partycrasher, he's the good-time Aeternal, for sure. Stick with me and it's jet-set city all the time. One sight of this medallion and the babes just swoon. Sure, I know a place where we can gatecrash, and there'll be chicks swarming all over me," etc.
Height: 6'1"
Eyes: Insincere
Hair: Black and in a pompadour
Strength Level: Aeternal; and he comes on pretty strong
Known Superhuman Powers: The usual Aeternal powers, i.e. anything needed at the moment really. But his main gift is getting into pretty cool parties and totally ruining them. Other major achievements are his telekinetic ability to make female underwear dissolve and his total control of his chest hair, which is strong enough to pin a woman to him if he wills it.
In case you haven't guessed it Sersi, he's coming to date you.
"Hi, sweetbuns! I hear you're pretty easy." (Partycrasher rehearsing chat-up opener)
Turbo Treesloth
Real Name: "Whassat? You think Turbo Treesloth ain't a real name? Die, you scumsucking *@#**&*!!"
Occupation: International assassin
Legal Status: Wanted for that Jimmy Hoffa thing
Other Current Aliases: The Rodent of Revenge
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril, and formerly of the Rocket Racoon Revenge Squad Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum
First Appearance: Rocket Racoon and His Amazing Friends Breakfast Serial Free Giveaway Comic #1
History: Ok, look, the Hooded Hood had to really strain for this one. I mean, how many credible villains can you find for a big furry flying rat? HH just had to take what he could find, right? And if the biggest villain Rocket Racoon never fought was this cigar-chompin', black-glove wearin', pistol-packin' jetpack-sportin' Treesloth, well they can't all be like the Yurt, can they?
Height: 3'7"
Eyes: Black
Hair: Dirty brown
Strength Level: Well, the proportional strength and agility of a treesloth, I suppose
Known Superhuman Powers: Well, it's mostly down to equipment, like his jet pack, and his exploding eggs, and his scent spray, and so on. Oh, and he shoots people dead. That's it.
Rottweiler and the Terrier
Real Name: "Frothing" Jimmy Dougall
Occupation: Former security guard
Identity: Secret; Dougall is listed as deceased
Legal Status: Wanted in another continuity line as serial murderers
Other Current Aliases: Bad dogs
Known Relatives: Well, the Terrier is cloned from Rottweiler, and is a smaller, meaner version of him, so that should count, don't you think? Oh, and they have an Aunt in Aberdeen.
Group Affiliation: The Purveyors of Peril, formerly of the Messenger Revenge Squad
Base of Operations: Herringcarp Asylum, Stroker's Isle
First Appearance: Severed Zombie Finger Tales #3 (EC, 1955), first attack on Messenger, Strange Postal Tales #31
History: Jimmy Dougall, hard-drinking, hard-swearing security guard volunteered for a strength enhancement process (and a bigger paycheque) from his employers SLIMECOM. The process went tragically wrong, mutating him into a feral killing machine and creating an sinister, even nastier, midget duplicate. What with the adamantium teeth and the poisoned claws and everything they really form a very nasty combination, especially since the Terrier can only usually attack up to about waist height. Driven insane they set about guarding things whether they wanted to be guarded or not; hence their first, terrible encounter with Messenger, and the subsequent "If This Be MY ZIP Code…" trilogy. Height: Rottweiler 6'9", the Terrier "2'7"
Eyes: Rottweiler: beady, close together and red, the Terrier: oozy, looking in different directions and orange.
Hair: Rottweiler: short, brown and black, and all over his body; the Terrier: short, brown and white, and all over his body except for the distemper patches.
Strength Level: Rottweiler: Able to lift a postal van; the Terrier: able to, um, be really affectionate to a postal van.
Known Superhuman Powers: All the usual psycho-killer stuff like adamantium bits, healing factors, fast, strong, poisoned bites and claws, rabies-carrying, etc. etc. With an insane lust for mailmen's trousers (a bit like Lisa but more specifically for postal workers).