Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Sat Dec 04, 2004 at 08:46:22 pm EST
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Make sure you read DBS #10 before this
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“Birds Gotta Fly, Part… Five? Six?”


The underground cavern had suddenly become very crowded.

First, there were the heroes; though opinions could vary on whether or not they could be considered such:

Lisa Waltz, esquire, First Lady of the Lair Legion, a lawyer by trade and hedonist by nature, it has been said the Devil himself sees her as evil.

Mr. Epitome, a government operative with half the power of Superman, seen by many as a crypto-fascist thug and opponent to everything Bill Moyers holds dear.

In Epitome’s grip struggle De Brown Streak, the velocity gifted mutate terrorist/freedom fighter, whose interest in the fairer sex had entwined his destiny with his fellow captive, Shazana Pel, Thongarrian, high warrior of a dead, alien empire, whose politics and policies would make Epitome look decidedly left of center.

These four stood against a surging phalanx of costumed villains, banded together for the purpose of punishing High Warrior Pel for earlier brutalizing one of their own. Men like Conflagro, ToFu Manchu, the Static Tsunami, and Captain Horseshoes. Rogues, each and every one.

For the quartet, it was time to make a decision.

“Release me, human, so I may fight and die with honor!” the Pigeon Warrior commanded.

DBS spoke his peace as well, “Yeah, I shouldn’t have to point this out, seeing as we’re all supposed to be professionals, but we’re at the bit where the big bad guy has to put aside his grudge against the noble heroes to take out the mutual threat.”

“What? What are you-“

One of Bicarbonator’s seltzer sprays came dangerously close to striking the Paragon of Power. He frowned, and glanced back at his team mate.

“Miss Waltz, perhaps it is time for you to summons the rest of the Legion.”

“Say the magic words, and they’re here,” shrugged the amorous advoctrix.

“Fine,” Epitome let his captives fall to their feet and proclaimed, “But if you run, be ready to run forever.”

Neither had any intention of fleeing. Shazana snatched up her war mace and hurtled towards the approaching crush of villains, “By the pinions of my ancestors, this shall be a glorious death!”

*****


On that Shazana would be disappointed. No one perished that day. The Legion was summonsed, the villains were defeated in a battle so spectacular prose would have never done it credit.

All that’s left, then, is the accounting.

“And one for you,” Lisa stuck her card in the cuffed hands of Bloodspurt. She had been following Mr. Epitome, offering her services to each criminal as the Star Spangled Splendor bound their wrists and ankles with a seemingly endless spool of high density plastic cable. These men were going to need a good lawyer, once the government was done charging them.

Epitome stopped in front of DBS. The Sepia Speedster eyed the dangling restraint with disdain.

“You honestly don’t think you’re going to put those on me?” he asked, genuinely surprised.

“No, these are for Officer Pel,” Dominic smiled, “for assaulting a law enforcement agent. I hope you’d be willing to surrender as well, since its obvious the two of you have become close.”

DBS gaped, “How did you know?”

“Her scent is all over you,” Mr. Epitome hissed.

“Wow. You really are a twisted SOB, aren’t you?” Josh Clement tensed, ready for a fight.

“When necessary, yes,” the Exemplary Man all but whispered, “Time to stop running, Mr. Clement, and face your accusers.”

The conflict was interrupted when the lithe form of CrazySugarFreakBoy! bounded between them.

“Whatcha guys whispering about?” he asked earnestly.

“Your buddy here is threatening to arrest me and Shazana,” DBS reported, staring Epitome down.

CSFB! made a dismissive noise, “He’s no buddy of mine, believe me. And well, its his job to arrest people, even well-meaning, misunderstood folks who fight the good fight no matter what the laws say. Isn’t that right, Flag Guy?”

“What do you want, Mr. Foxglove?”

“I just want to know if you’ll be consistent when it comes to your mandate. I mean, you could try to take in DBS and Shazzy, even though they’ve done all kinds of good things, and are friends and allies of the Lair Legion and Hey maybe even more if Josh here finally breaks down and agrees to join. But then, unless you’re willing to admit you’re a slimy hypocrite who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the law, you’d have to go and arrest the Idiom too.”

“Miss Gahagan has been granted asylum in Badripoor,” Dominic observed, but inwardly he knew his cause was lost.

Dream nodded, “Yup. But Lisa could summons her here, if she wanted. And I bet she will. Just to watch you squirm.”

Epitome stood, stone faced and silent. The Wired Wonder stood on his toes and spoke directly into the bigger man’s ear.

“See, I can be a bit of an SOB myself, given the right motivation.”

*****


Jay Boaz cast a curious glance over at the drama Dream injected himself into, and then made his way over to Shazana. The winged warrior woman sat on an outcropping of rock, binding wounds she received during the melee. When the Legionnaire approached she quickly stood, unsure what was to happen next.

“Good fight,” Jay complemented the Thongarrian.

“Pfah! These thugs wouldn’t have lasted a day on Pigeon World,” she paused, “No offense.”

Hatman chuckled, “These are not what the Legion would consider A-list threats. We captured most of them when we took down Count Armageddon.”

“Oh,” Pel waited awkwardly for a moment, before pulling a folded piece of cloth from her belt, “I have your headwear.”

Jay accepted it with a smile, “Thank you. Those Jets caps are hard to come by, now that the team moved to Phoenix.”

“What is to happen to me now?”

“Well, we’ll probably convene a board of inquiry to investigate your actions towards Thrum and Epitome. But I’m pretty sure once everything gets put in its proper context you’ll be absolved of any wrongdoing. In fact, as Liaison Officer to the various law enforcement groups I can pretty much assure it.”

“Liasion Officer? That sounds like a very important responsibility for someone so young,” Pel made a clumsy attempt at a compliment. Jay took it as such.

“I want to talk to you about before, though, and what you said. You talked about your culture’s code of conduct, and how it guides you.”

The Thongarrian nodded.

“On Earth we have those too. They’re called religions or philosophies and they are what we try to follow in order to live moral lives. And I say try because sometimes we fail. We don’t meet our obligations. We sin. But the important thing, maybe the greatest strength of our belief systems, is that they allow for forgiveness. ”

Shazana could feel the back of her neck growing warm. The human was speaking so earnestly and plainly it was hard not to be moved by his words.

“I know your culture has accused you of some horrible atrocity. Me, I don’t see it. But even if you did do wrong in your culture’s eyes, if there is so possibility for forgiveness, then, I’m sorry, it’s not a value system that deserves the faith that you put into it.”

The Thongarrian’s eyes widened and she stifled a gasp of outrage. But the words Hatman spoke found resonance, something that never would have happened if the woman had not the opportunity to see the world beyond the Aerie. She looked over at the approaching Brown Streak, who smiled easily and gave her a bawdy wink. Shazana smiled back, though it was still slight and a bit unsure.

“You have given me much to think about Hatman. You and others.”

“Glad to hear it,” Jay cast a suspicious eye towards the mutate speedster, but he sighed, “Well, if you’ll excuse me, I need to start rounding up the prisoners. If you’re interested in talking later, maybe we can, back at the mansion.”

“That would be enlightening,” the Pigeon Warrior said.

But it would have to be later, as the woman had new obligations to attend to, brought about by her new, strange home.









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