Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Sat Nov 20, 2004 at 01:13:10 am EST
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This might be another example of me sticking my beak in where it doesn't belong
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“….Birds Gotta Fly”


Note: This story takes place after Untold Tales #188

“Is your translator disc malfunctioning? You were told to lower your voice!” Shazara Pel grabbed the Eklaeni by the scruff of his neck and shook him violently. His brass colored scales clinked one off of one another in a pleasing counterpoint to the Thonnagarian’s harsh words.

“Officer Pel! Stand down,” Lee Bookman, the Librarian, entered the Fiction Annex through one of the room’s hidden doors, “The employees of the Moon Public Library do not throttle people guilty of raucous behavior. We shush them, thusly: Shhhhh.”

The Thongarrian dropped her captive, who quickly scurried out of reach, and then rounded on the Librarian, “I am not an employee!” she equivocated, her steel blue eyes flashing dangerously.

Bookman sniffed, “My apologies: guests of the Moon Public Library, who use its sleeping quarters, eat from its kitchen, and perform ablutions in its washroom without any possible means of remunerating said amenities, are to keep their hands to themselves, unless otherwise directed so by one of the administrative staff,” an arched eyebrow served as an exclamation point to the directive.

The Pigeon Warrior locked gazes with the smaller man, but eventually yielded. She strutted off. The Librarian glided after her.

“The circumstances that have lead to your time with us are difficult, I know. And as a person inclined to more dynamic pursuits, perhaps a library is not the ideal place for you roost, as it were, but if you are agreeable, I can direct you to several volumes that may be of interest.”

The pair stopped at one of the MPL’s bay windows, staring out at the desolate, pockmarked moonscape.

“Oh?” Shazara muttered.

“Yes. Sun-Tzu, Clausweitz, Keegan, are all authors I’d think you’d be interested in. The library also has a complete catalog of Thongarrian literature,” Lee added gently.

The woman flinched at the reference to her home world, and absently fingered the z-alloy bands that fit snug around her muscular arms. Shazara looked out, past the moon, to the blue green orb that lay beyond it. And she reached a decision.

“Do you have, some kind of… primer, on Earth history and culture?”

The Librarian nodded, “Several. And if you would allow me a moment, I can have D.D. print out a translation for you in your native language.”

“Then make it so,” she considered, “Please.”

*****


Tall and regal in her combat harness Shazara waited in the MPL’s docking bay. She eyed the bustling patrons with disdain. They were eager to enter a place that the Pigeon Warrior was anxious to leave. She hefted her battle mace and was performing a few practice wings when Hallie appeared.

“Hi, Officer Pel. You look nice in your costume. Ready to go?”

“I am clad in Z-alloy laced Thongarrian Battle Armor, customized for one deserving of the High Warrior rank. Not a costume.”

“Well, it’s all very formidable. Now, shall we?”

“Where is your transport?”

“Oh, well, we figured since you’ll be spending time with the Legion, it would just be easier to summons you to the Lair Mansion directly.”

“The Legion? I did not agree to-”

I summons Shazara Pel!

The winged warrior woman found herself standing in the crowded Lair Legion Living Room. A rematerialized Hallie made introductions.

“Shazara, this is Lisa, she’s the one who brought you here.”

“Hey. Love your hair. Good to see the feathered look is in style somewhere in the cosmos.”

“And this is the Manga Shoggoth,” Hallie acknowledged the bandage swathed monstrosity, “He’ll be arranging your return trip.”

“Welcome to our dwelling. I hope you are in appropriate homeostatic condition.”

“No need to introduce me, Hallie. Not after all the time Shazzy and I spent together giving the big beat down to the Slimy Slaver Lovetoad,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! beamed.

“You!!” the Thongarrian looked ready to go berserk once she identified CSFB!.

“Dream and I are going to be the ones who take you around the city,” Hatman explained.

“We’re going on patrol! Can’t get any more old school than that.”

Shazara drew herself up haughtily, “So I am to be escorted about like a fragile head of state?”

“More like a potential security risk,” Lisa replied, “The only way the government was going to let you come Earth side was if you were chaperoned. Be thankful its Hatty and Dream and not Falcon giving you the guided tour.”

“Oh, yeah. I think he wants a rematch,” CSFB! bounded about with his usual vim, “But that’s going to have to wait for another issue. Now, its Team Up Time!”

Shazara Pel’s sharp features darkened behind her headgear. She knew she had to suffer for her transgression, but by Thonga and F’lir this was almost unbearable.

*****


“So this world is comprised of a patchwork of nation states, each one wholly independent of the other?” Pel asked as she used her wings and Z-alloy armbands to navigate the skyscraper canyons of the Carrington Financial District.

“Pretty much. We have an international deliberating body, but they really don’t have a great deal of authority over individual members,” Hatman explained as he zoomed nearby in his Jets cap.

“That sounds needlessly chaotic,” the Thongarrian noted.

“Hey, there’s nothing needless about chaos,” CSFB! kept pace with the others using his miraculous Wowie Zowie Yo Yo, “And you two need to slow down some. Being on patrol is more than covering the greatest amount of ground. You have to let the people see you, be inspired by you.”

The Pigeon Warrior looked back, “You’re joking.”

“Nope. I’m young, devilishly handsome, have an awesomely smart and beautiful sex-crazed girlfriend, and am a member of the coolest club in the Parodyverse. Who wouldn’t want to be me?” Dream asked with all sincerity as he caromed off a wall mounted flag pole.

Shazara made a noise of disgust. Then her keen hearing detected the familiar sounds of combat. She willed the z-alloy to maximize her speed and took off towards the melee.

*****


The reverberating criminal known as Thrum had put careful thought into his plan to become a super villain. He invested in the Platnium Care Service Package provided by Justus Screwdriver to his clients, ensuring that his sonic powered Thrum Gauntlets would have a lifetime warranty. In order to have some experience in the bank robbing trade, he practiced in smaller burgs like Eastern Edgewater and Corkyville before traveling to the center stage that was Paradopolis. Thrum even managed to contact Factor X’s organization, which allowed him access to a number of meta criminal contacts. So, as he stood atop the smoldering wreck of a Brinks armored car, holding back a rush of police officers with his “vibro-thrum power”, he was feeling pretty good about himself.

Until he heard the battle cry of Shazara Pel, who descended from the skies with the force and fervor of an avenging angel.

*****


Mr. Epitome contemplated the stalemate in front of him, “You’re very good at this,” he praised his opponent.

“It’s just chess,” Hallie said with a demure smile, “A Commodore can play chess.”

“Not well they can’t. They are too short-sighted to see a long planned attack. No sense of the horizon,” Epitome slid his rook into position, “There. In four moves I will have captured your queen.”

“Promises, promises-oh, dear,” Hallie intercepted an incoming call to the Lair Legion switchboard.

“What is it?”

“Shazara and the boys had an encounter with a super villain,” she winced at the details, “You’re going to want to bring bandages.”

*****


“Are you aware of the concept of ‘excessive force?!’” CSFB! nearly shouted in the face of the Pigeon Warrior.

“I don’t understand your outrage. The suspect is still alive,” Shazara noted, looking over to where the paramedics struggled with Thrum’s unconscious form.

“You turned the man’s face from an Outie to an Innie! He’s going to look like a Dick Tracy villain now, instead of the Shocker knock-off he planned on being,” the Wired Wonder turned away disgusted with the woman’s cavalier attitude.

“You are speaking gibberish!” she shot back. Hatman walked up to her soberly.

“Dream’s right. Your attack may have permanently crippled that man.”

“What would you have had me do? Ask him politely to stop blowing up these police vehicles?” she gestured about at the remains of several squad cars.

Jay continued to talk in a soft, even tone, “If you weren’t aware of the correct way to approach the situation, Officer Pel, you should not have intervened. Dream and I could have handled it.”

A look of animalistic rage swept over the woman’s face, “As a High Warrior of the Thongarrian Empire I follow the principles set down the Codex of Ter’tl Dov, laws that made my race the most powerful in the galaxy! Who are you to lecture me, little man?”

“Oh, yeah? Where’s your empire now, Shazzy?” CrazySugarFreakBoy! shouted out from the ambulance.

The question seemed to deflate the Pigeon Warrior. With a strangled cry she took flight, but not before she had the foresight to swipe the Winnipeg Jets cap off of Jay Boaz’s head.

“Hey!” he tried to catch Pel by the leg, but the properties of the Z-alloy enhanced her speed and reflexes to that she was out of sight even before CSFB! could unload a barrage of his gluey silly string to impede her escape.

“She stole my hat,” Jay said, momentarily dumbfounded.

“And she got away,” CSFB! noted, “So, now what are we going to do?”

To Be Continued: by me, or somebody else if they have the inclination.





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