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This message The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #4 was posted by DBS, with apologies in advance to Balefire on Friday, December 13, 2002 at 17:41.
Previously on IAOTDBS: Josh Clement, De Brown Streak, is trying to find an archvillain to call his very own. So far he’s interviewed Anvil Man, the Heckfire Club, and VelcroVixen (several times). Word is getting round.
Meanwhile, at the Secret Banquet of Sinister Supervillains Annual Awards Dinner, the Hooded Hood is handing out the prize for Most Creative Use of Flora or Fauna at a Crime Scene. “And the winner is… Chronic, for what he did with that chicken when the Lair Legion were fighting those Technopolis folks.”
The crowd shudders. Chronic: “Yessss! Thank you!” He accepts the award.
Magenta St Evil: “Third year running. Pah! That chicken thing is getting real old.”
Crying Clown: “And a bit smelly. But you can’t beat the classics.”
A girl in a bikini hands HH the next envelope. “And the nominations for Most Ingenious Death Trap to Annihilate a Superhero are…” Hood pauses for a drumroll. “The diabolical Dr Moo for Submarine Full of Custard…” The big TV screens show spiffy going under for the third time, fronds flailing. The crowd go wild.
“M.O.D.E.M. for Exploding Portaloo…” Now they show a brown and sticky dull thud staggering around looking for his trousers. That one’s popular too.
“Hoki the Deceiver for Traditional Chinese Finger Puzzle…” Cut to clip of Donar scowling with his fingers in a tube muttering “The more I pulleth, the more it pulleth back. And verily I dost want to scratch mine godly nose-eth.” Count Fokker falls off his chair laughing.
“And of course the Confiscator for Super-Glued to a Tiger in a Sack of Molasses.” Now there’s a picture of a fast-moving canvas bag squelching over a dungeon floor, with a Nats-sounding voice going “Ouch! Nice kitty! Ouch! Nice kitty! Ouch!”
PsychoAcidPervGal!: “Stop… stop it. My chest hurts!”
The Hood opens the envelope and takes out the silver card. “And the award goes to…”
“STOP!” The restaurant doors burst open and Balefire strides into the room waving a videotape. “Stop right there! I have a late entry!”
“Balefire?” complains Akiko Masamune. “I thought we sent him the invitation that said we were meeting in Akron?”
Balefire: “No, really. You’ll like this one. I caught De Brown Streak and killed him incredibly dead. Look.”
“Incredibly dead eh?” scowls Count Fokker. “Like the time you said you’d disintegrated Goldeneyed and it turned out that he’s teleported your HQ onto the police academy forecourt?”
Balefire: “No, really. I…”
Magenta St Evil: “Or that thing where you swore you’d trapped Ziles in the steam press and then the meter ran out of coins?”
Balefire: “Look, anyone can make a little mistake about spare change. These costumes don’t have proper pockets, and the coins are real cold…”
Argh!Yle, Evillest of Socks: “Or the time you…”
Balefire scowls. “Hold it. I’m not going to be dissed by a talking sock.”
Argh!Yle: “They call me MISTER talking sock!”
Balefire scowls some more. “Hey, how is it that you let the talking sock to your dinner but I get sent to Akron?”
Akiko: “Remember that incident with the jellied eels and Gamona the Assassin?”
Balefire blushes a little. “That was a perfectly natural mistake, and all my hair has grown back now.” He remembers the tape. “But look! You’ve gotta see this. The death of De Brown Streak!”
M.O.D.E.M objects. “I object!! This video is ineligible. De Brown Streak isn’t even a hero. He’s a mutate terrorist! We have to maintain some standards.”
Balefire: “But you invited the sock. Right.”
Turbo Treesloth: “He happens to be here as my personal guest.”
The Hooded Hood sighs. “Let’s see the tape. I haven’t got all day. I have about another fifteen plots to hatch before tea time.”
Balefire slots it into the VCR. “See, he came to ask me about being his archvillain. This is him pleading with me to take him on and give him a little credibility…”
Jethro Screwdriver, the mysterious criminal financier from DBS#2, leans over and turns the sound up on the tape. DBS is saying: “Sorry, man, but I’m looking for someone with a little more… y’know… danger.” Balefire: “C’mon! Give me a chance! I can be dangerous. I can be world-class deadly. Let the forces of good beware… HEY, COME BACK!”
The villains at the dinner tables snicker as Balefire snatches the remote from Screwdriver and mutes the tape again. “Like I was saying, he came to my stronghold of evil, and from there it was a simple matter to trick him into one of my sinister death traps.”
Crying Clown: “It looks like you’re faking a heart attack.”
Count Fokker: “Or maybe a panic attack?”
Balefire: “Uh, no… it was just a ruse to, to get De Brown Streak to come close. And then, when he was preparing for mouth to mouth resuscitation…”
Camellia of the Fey: “That boy will go after anything with a pulse!”
Balefire: …I just zapped him with this neato gadget I had lying about the fortress of wickedness.”
Magenta St Evil leans forward and glares at the screen. “Hey! That’s my dimensional transmogrifier array! I’ve been looking everywhere for that!”
Balefire: “No. Uh, it just looks a bit like yours, that’s all. And I only borrowed it.”
Magenta St Evil: “So which dimension did you zap him into? The Negativity Zone? The Dreary Dimension? The Land of Nasty Bits Being Sliced Off You While You Scream for Mercy?”
Balefire: “No, get this! I dropped him right in the Speed Force!!”
Silence.
Balefire: “In the Speed Force!!! Because he’s a mutant speedster, right?”
The Hooded Hood: “Yes. With the ability to manipulate the Speed Force.”
Balefire: “Er, no. No. It’d just rip him to pieces, and spread his molecules across time/space. He’s dead. It’s on the tape. Dead. Just fast forward.”
Screwdriver: “It is fast forwarding. In fact, this whole tape is going faster and faster, as if…”
There’s a big booming noise, and everybody gets hammered against the walls as tables and chairs go flying in the backdraft of a super-charged speeder breaking out from the dimension of sheer motion. “As if a super-charged speeder was breaking out from the dimension of sheer motion?” challenges De Brown Streak. “You’re all under arrest!”
The Hooded Hood: “Ahem.”
“Or” adds DBS, prudently, “I could just let you all of with a caution. Don’t do it again.”
CrazyPsychoPervGal! smacks Balefire round the head: “You moron! You’ve ruined the dinner again!”
Balefire has had enough of being mocked. He reaches straight for the jellied eels again.
And Jethro Screwdriver flicks open his mobile phone as he watched DBS blur away and says, “I think it may be time,” in a spooky, ominous voice.
__________________________________
(And a very big Brown Streak thank you to HH for answering LOTSA questions about baddies for this story, and to Balefire for being such a good sport. Hey, he said he wanted to be in one of my stories.)
Have a great Christmas, everyone. God bless.
This poster posed from 62.7.20.25 when they posted
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