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This message The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #3 was posted by Bet you'd all forgotten about DBS, huh? Sorry I don't get round much. Here's a story for you. on Sunday, December 8, 2002 at 05:54.
The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #3
Previously in TIAODBS: Josh Clement, De Brown Streak, has decided that he needs to get an archvillain. So he’s out looking. Now read on…
Barbados. The sun is setting over the ocean, there’s a cool breeze fanning the beach, the grilled swordfish is perfect, and De Brown Streak faces a life and death struggle with another potential archvillain over a chilled glass of house wine.
De Brown Streak: “So you’re a Virgo from Vermont, you enjoy watersports and sushi, you like men who take charge but you’re turned off by guys who don’t floss, and your ambition is to be the power behind the ruler of the planet.”
VelcroVixen: “Pretty much, yeah. And after dinner tonight I’ll be rendering you unconscious and turning you in for the reward money.”
DBS: “The night is young. How are you intending to render me unconscious, by the way? Will I enjoy it?”
VV smiles seductively: “Well that depends on how the rest of the dinner goes. But enough about me. Tell me about the man behind the running shorts.”
DBS: “Not much to tell. Mild-mannered medical student suddenly wakes up and becomes mutant rights fighter and international outlaw battling for a world that hates and fears him. The usual. I can manipulate the speed force, vibrational rhythms, that kind of junk. Oh, and because I’m a mutate, and I basically never get exhausted.”
VV: “Mmm. Could be an interesting evening then.”
The waiter glides over with a bottle of champagne. There’s a note with it.
DBS: “From an admirer of yours, Vicki?”
VV: “Who knows. I generally don’t bother to read the notes unless there’s diamonds attached.”
But Josh Clement does read it. “It says… ‘Prepare to be rendered unconscious.’”
Zaaaaaaapp!!!
Now it’s later on, and many miles away. De Brown Streak wakes up in a big four poster bed with black sheets in a stately colonial mansion. Beside him Vicki Vee, Velcrovixen, also begins to stir.
DBS: “Ummm… I have a really inconvenient amnesia right now, but if we made friends and I can’t remember it I may just have to kill myself.”
VV: “Wow. Usually I slip knockouts into other people’s drinks! Who sent us a doctored champagne bottle with a Mark IV Neural Incapacitator concealed in it?”
DBS shrugs: “Dunno. Was it good for you too?”
VV: “I don’t suppose you have the faintest idea where we are? Some old enemy of yours intent on wreaking revenge on you and all your loved ones? First time I’ve been mistaken for Gwen Stacy.”
DBS: “Nah. I don’t have an archvillain. That was the whole point about setting up our meeting. I feel I need some really devious nasty to head up my rogues gallery.”
VV: “Oh, right. I thought you were just trying to get into my pants.” She looks around the room. “Think we out to maybe try and escape?”
DBS: “The old hero and villain team up scenario? Okay. Door or window?”
But just then the door opens and three people dressed in period costumes enter, and the whole plot hots up.
Simonides Slaughter: “Ah, you’re awake. Permit me to introduce myself and my colleagues. This is Ms Anna Salem and Mr Frederick Scarfe. I’m Sir Simonides Slaughter, Black Emperor of the Heckfire Club.”
DBS, pausing only to thank HH for providing him with the background info to use these guys: “Hey, you were on my interview list!”
Anna Salem: “We jumped the queue. We have an offer you can’t refuse.”
VV: “I’ve heard about you people! You’re one of the most powerful underworld cabals on the planet.” She smiles sexily at Simonides Slaughter. “You know, I look really good in Victorian fetishwear.”
Anna Salem scowls and breathed deeply to accentuate her… accentuatable bits.
Frederick Scarfe: “The time has come for you both to become slave-operatives of… the Heckfire Club!”
DBS is getting excited: “Hey, this is more like it. baddies with this plush, five-star hideout, classy European accents, babes in leather underwear… Hey, do you have flunkies? I bet you have flunkies, don’t you?”
Anna Salem: “Yes. Lots of flunkies. You’re about to join them.”
VV: “Sorry, honey, I don’t do flunk.” She pouts at Simonides again, “Well, not on the first date.”
Anna Salem: “That’s it. I’m going to rip her face off.”
VV: “And I’d still look better than you, dearie.”
Simonides Slaughter: “Cease this unseemly squabbling.
DBS: “Are you out of your freaking mind? LET the hot women in the Victoria’s secret stuff fight!”
Frederick Scarfe: “He has a point.”
VV: “Yes, I was noticing it earlier.”
Simonides Slaughter rubs his forehead: “Look, I have a 9.30 with the acting Mayor. Can we just absorb them and get on, please?”
DBS and VV: “Absorb us?”
Frederick Scarfe: “Yes. You were aware that we are secretly Hero Feeders, grabbing lame, pointless, excess Parodyverse characters and making them quietly disappear from continuity, right?”
DBS: “Er no. Excess?”
Anna Salem: “Well, you’re not exactly central to anybody’s plots are you?”
VV: “True. But as previously noticed, he’s hardly pointless either.”
DBS: “Thanks for noticing, Vicki. And as I am about to demonstrate, I am not exactly lame either. In fact I can run…” [blur to be explained later] …pretty fast.”
Fredrick Scarfe: “No, hold on. Explain that blur thing now, mister.”
De Brown Streak shrugs: “Well, okay, since I’ve gotta tell you you’re off my shortlist, guys, no matter how many flunkies you might have. All I did was vibrate through your walls, go down to your holding cells, free all the imprisoned superheroes, neutralise your alarm systems, place calls through to the Lair Legion, the Abandoned Legion, the JBH, the New Battlers, SPUD, and ManMan…”
VV: “ManMan?”
DBS: “Just for a joke. And then I called the tabloids and said Britney Spears was up here having Fin Fang Foom’s love-child.”
There’s a sound of lots of movement outside.
Frederick Scarfe: “You did… what? Hey, you reporters! Get those cameras off that flower bed! Those are prize azalias!”
DBS: “Oh… and you know that big red button marked Auto-Destruct – Do Not Push Under Any Circumstances…?”
Anna Salem: “You didn’t…”
Simonides Slaughter: “You wouldn’t…”
VV: “Please tell me you’re going to get me out of this too, Joshie…”
Fin Fang Foom: “No! Really! We’re just good friends. It must have been DK!”
DBS: “This is turning into a wonderful night.”
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