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This message The intermittend Adventures of De Brown Streak #2 Already was posted by DBS says thanks for all your suggestions from last time. Here's the first one put into practise on Thursday, June 20, 2002 at 12:44.
Its time to introduce a new villain to the Parodyverse. That’s him over there, the old man with the white hair, in the expensive white suit smoking the expensive white cigarette. His wristwatch cost more than most cars. You don’t want to know what his car cost. His name is Screwdriver, and he doesn’t commit crimes. He just finances them, in exchange for a free-will donation from any criminals that don’t want a mystery power-drill accident.
Okay, so now you’ve figured where Jethro Screwdriver has come from and which comic he’s been ripped from, right? So let’s go look-see what he’s doing. Seems like he’s watching one of his fancy oil recovery rigs hauling something up from the ocean bed. Something big. Something swearing.
Wash all that mud off and you’d see the rusty brown armour of the unstoppable Anvil Man. He’s just been dragged out of the silt that Finny dropped him in about six months ago, and he’s not Mr Happy. What he wants is a burger and a lavatory and a date with something other than a sea bass.
What he’s going to get is a deal with Screwdriver and an encounter with an antihero mutate looking to interview potential archenemies.
Got the idea of the story? Then let’s get on.
It’s later. Anvil Man is walking out of the wreckage of a NATO military base in one of those countries you can’t point to on a map without reading the names. Didn’t Finny make one up in his recent story about that new superhero? It’s probably that country, whatever it was called. There was this peacekeeping force there, but it’s not keeping the peace just now on account of being stomped flat. Anvil Man is walking off with the control chip to the new, experimental, and currently unpatented Bautista Enterprises Automated Defence Perimeter System. It’s so new that the research boys haven’t even come up with a funny acronym.
De Brown Streak: “Hi! You must be the villain Anvil Man.”
Anvil Man: “So? You want an autograph?”
DBS: “Only if it’s on a cheque. But I would like to ask you a few questions before we do the big fight scene.”
Anvil Man shugs. “Okay. I’m pretty good on sports trivia, but I gotta work on my movie knowledge.”
DBS explains: “More along the lines of stuff about your villaining. How did you get your powers? Has it ever been explained in continuity?”
Anvil Man scratches his helmet. “Gee, I dunno. Usually I just turn up when the plot needs a big, hulking bad-guy that can blow stuff up. I pound Donar or that dragon guy and then somebody tricks me and I get beaten even though my armour’s indestructible and I’m a demolitions expert that can make anything blow up by touching it.”
DBS: “Doesn’t sound like a great career choice. Doesn’t the rusty armour chafe?”
Anvil Man nods vigorously. “Itches like hell. And there ain’t no flaps for the little villains room, if you know what I mean. Stuff like that really crimps your personal hygiene.”
DBS moved back a step or two. “Yeah, I can see that. And it’s probably murder on your dating patterns as well.”
“Tell me about it,” says Anvil Man. “Getting beaten up by lady superheroes is about as intimate as it gets these days.”
DBS: “Some people pay good money for that kind of thing.”
Anvil Man: “Why all the questions? When do we get to the bit where I pound you to jelly? I’m good at that bit.”
DBS: “Sorry. I was trying for a Dancer-style dialogue with the baddie. But I guess I don’t have the figure for it. I’m actually out looking for an archenemy and Finny suggested you.” De Brown Streak thinks about this. “Of course, Finny hates me.”
Anvil Man: “Me? You don’t want a dumb pug like me, kid. I never hatch massively complicated masterplans. I just hit guys and blow stuff up. I don’t even have a secret underground base. Or a fixed abode. You need to look for one of those classy guys with logos an’ minions an’ stuff. I mean, I’m flattered to be considered, but…”
DBS: “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But it would have been kind of cool to have an archenemy you could sit down with after the battle and share a brew with. Ah well.”
Anvil Man: “So it’s back to the mindless violence part of the confrontation?”
DBS: “Guess so.” De Brown Streak blurs round Anvil Man, trying to form a vortex that will sweep him up and carry him off. Anvil Man ignores it.
Anvil Man: “Pretty good, but my whole shtick is being basically unstoppable. Run as fast as you like, but you get tired eventually and I don’t.”
DBS tries the old five thousand blows on the same spot in one second technique. It hurts his hand. “Ow.”
Anvil Man: “Told ya. And this is why you don’t want me as a recurring baddie, dude. All our fights would go the same way, with you trying to figure a way of tricking or trapping me and me just waiting for you to make a mistake so I could get my hands on you. And then you die!”
DBS: “I see the point. Let’s try something else.” *blur*
Anvil Man suddenly finds he’s been given a new paint job. As DBS stands grinning with a paint can in hand Anvil Man realises that his rusty brown armour is now a pretty pink and peach. Plus he’s wrapped in ribbons with little bows in them, and there’s a delicate lace doily laid over his helmet. “Wh-What?”
DBS: “Way I figure it is you can either surrender or I run off and get a video camera and get this on prime-time TV,” Josh threatens. “And then, next time the LL catch up and toss you back in jail you’d better really hope that armour is impregnable.”
Anvil Man: “You bastard! And they call me the villain! Okay, punk, I surrender. Now run an’ get me some paint stripper fast.”
And just to give this story some sense of cohesiveness, don’t forget that villainous Screwdriver character watching from the shadows, blowing smoke like the Cigarette Smoking Guy from X-Files.
Screwdriver: Hmmm.
Next time: DBS takes on another villain from the list of suggestions.
This poster posed from 213.122.208.69 when they posted
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