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This message The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #1 was posted by DBS - and please note that I've got a new e-mail address joshclement@btopenworld.com on Tuesday, June 18, 2002 at 12:54.
The villains raise their Disintegrator Zap-O-Matics and prepare to blow the heroine that stands between them and seventy-five tons of Crystal Pepsi to small pieces. “You don’t stand a chance against our Zemo-garage-sale surplus weaponry, Dancer!”
Dancer smiles and gets ready to flatten every one of them. But suddenly there’s a brown streak and the villains are all tied up with their own jockey shorts.
De Brown Streak: “Dancer. Hi. Sorry to interrupt.”
Dancer: “DBS. Hello. You know I didn’t actually need rescuing, right?”
DBS: “Oh, sure. And I’m sorry to butt in and pants your bad guys like this. But I need your help.”
Dancer is suspicious. “This is a clothes-still-on kind of help, isn’t it?”
DBS: “Oh yeah. It’s nothing like your usual missions. I just need a little advice.”
Dancer: “Well… if the tests come back positive I think you should stand by her and…
DBS shakes his head. “Not that advice. I need an archvillain.”
Dancer: “An archvillain? Which one? What for?”
De Brown Streak sits on the pavement next to Dancer. “I don’t know which one. That’s the point. I figure if I’m going to get taken seriously as a superhero, rather than as a loveable roguish mutant outlaw, I need to have a really cool bad guy. Somebody truly awesomely nasty, so when I fight them everybody sees I’m one of the good guys.”
Dancer: “I can see that. Who did you have in mind? Dr Moo? Postman? Dark spiffy? Thighmaster?”
DBS: “Nah, all of those are taken. I need somebody whose main goal in life is to wipe *me* out.”
Dancer: “Hatman?”
DBS: “There must be some baddies out there that are just waiting for a nemesis…”
Dancer: “Blackhurt, Prince of Fibs?”
DBS: “…that wouldn’t pound me flat in five seconds.”
Dancer: “Birthday Bandit?”
DBS: “…or make me a laughing stock.”
Dancer thinks about this. “Hmmm. We may need to call in a specialist on this one.”
DBS looks nervous. “It’s not Xander is it, only I still owe him a favour from…”
Dancer: “Nope. Don’t worry. I know just the person.”
DBS: “Or Lisa, because I know when I’m out of my league. Or Finny, because after that time I kidnapped Lania he promised he’d pull off my…”
Dancer: “Trust me, DBS. This guy knows more about heroes and villains than anyone.”
Later at Parodiopolis U (or maybe some Seattle college, it doesn’t say in the Who’s Who)…
Dancer: “So that’s the sitch, Dream. Can you help?”
Dreamcatcher Kokapelli Foxglove, the wired wonder called CrazySugarFreakBoy! gives a big grin. “Sure I can. Why not? I’ve got every comic ever published except a few sucky ones. I should know everything there is to know about villainy.”
DBS: “So who do you recommend?”
CSFB!: “Not who. How. An archvillain’s gotta be personalised. He or she says a lot about you. You need an ancient hatred, a link right back to your origin or before. So what’s your origin?”
DBS: “I woke up one morning and I could move at super-speeds. Then I had breakfast.”
Dancer: “It’s lacking a bit in cosmic grandeur. Did anyone burn your toast or anything?”
DBS: “I am NOT having Mrs McGravey the College Halls Monitor as my archenemy. Again.”
CSFB!: “Okay then. How about a villain that has the reverse powers to yours? That sometimes works?”
Dancer isn’t impressed: “The ability to go really, really slow?”
CSFB!: “Right. Scratch that one. Hey, I know. You ought to audition.”
DBS: “Audition. For an enemy.”
CSFB! is getting pretty excited about this. “Yeah. We could put an ad in the papers, hire a hall…”
Dancer: “Isn’t that tantamount to saying to every baddie on the planet ‘please attack me’?”
CSFB!, happily: “Yeah!”
DBS: “Maybe another day. I’m still being hunted by Herbert P. Garrick you know.”
“Could you persuade him to wear a kind of latex bodystocking as he chased you, do you think?” wonders Dancer.
DBS grins nastily. “Nope. But if I move fast enough I could probably dress him in it and be in the next state by the time he blushes.”
CSFB!: “Okay. How about I assemble a list from the LL computer bank of suitably villains and you go and interview them?”
DBS considers this: “The Lair Legion have that VelcroVixen’s phone number?”
Dancer sighs: “On speed dial. Perhaps I should just take you to have a chat with the Hooded Hood? He should know what makes a good arch-enemy, and…”
DBS, quickly: “No. No, that’s… very kind, but I think we’ll try CSFB!’s plan first. I’ll go check out some bad guys, see what’s on their resumés, see how easy they are to kick around, and we’ll take it from there.”
Dancer: “Well, if you’re sure. I guess we could ask for a few suggestions…”
DBS: “Do that. And I’ll give ‘em, a call.”
So come on, readers. Suggest. That way there’ll be a part II.
This poster posed from 213.1.91.115 when they posted
Message Thread
- (nt) - 14:35 on June 20, 2002
- Loved it! - (nt) Yo, without suggestions I am afraid.. - 13:36 on June 18, 2002
- - (nt) - 14:34 on June 20, 2002
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