Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh
Mon Aug 16, 2004 at 08:25:04 am EDT
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #5
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In a secret lab in a secret building in a secret town, Professor Pervo puts the finishing touches to his beautiful but deadly Nymphbots. You don’t want to know what he touches. Really. Its not that kind of story.

Prof Pervo: “Bwah-hah-hah! Rise my beauties. Inflate yourselves and together we shall conquer the mutate speedster known as… De Brown Streak!”

The Nymphbots: “Giggle!”

And cut to the credits. Big 80’s power ballad, like Eye of the Tiger or something, and shots of handsome athletic black man in brown running gear, um, running. And intercut with lots of scenes from previous shows. Like getting slapped by Sorceress, getting slapped by Dancer, getting slapped by Finny, being glowered at by Hatman while Sorceress holds Jay back. That kind of thing. If DBS had any supporting cast we’d show them here too, but sadly he hasn’t yet actually got any friends. It’s a lonely life being a mutate outlaw freedom-fighter.

Then its on to the action, and we give an outside shot of the Mutate Support Association in Reno, as featured in HH’s latest Untold Tales – it can’t hurt the circulation figures to do a tie in with the big boys. A shabbily dressed, unshaved, desperate-looking young man limps into the storefront. Can that really be J. J. Clement, our dashing hero?

The nice-looking lady on the desk says, “Yes, shabbily-dressed, unshaved, desperate-looking young man. May I help you?”

DBS (for, yes, it is him, in a cunning disguise – but don’t tell!): “I dunno. I… I’m soory. I think I might be… a… a mutate!”

Nice looking lady: “Well, we’re here to help. We at MSAIR believe that mutates are people too.”

DBS: “That’s pretty big of you, er, I mean, really? You’re so kind. But… what should I do?”

The nice looking lady pushes a button on her desk. “Dr Abducto, we have a shabbily-dressed, unshaved, desperate-looking young man who thinks he might be a mutate. Could you speak with him please?” She looks at Josh. “You can go right up.”

DBS: “You have a guy called Dr Abducto? And you want me to go up and see him?”

Nice looking lady: “It’s an old Dutch name.”

DBS: “Okay.” He goes up the stairs past the steel security doors and finds Dr Abducto.

Dr Abducto: “Ah, come in, shabbily-dressed, unshaved, desperate-looking young man. So you think you might be mutate-positive? Let me just run this mutate-detector over you. Don’t be alarmed by the wrist-cuffs. They’re just part of the test. Hmm, yes, you do appear to be a mutate?”

DBS: “Me? But… what can I do about it? Oh no!” (Nobody ever said he was a good actor. He’s a runner, dammit.)

Dr Abducto: “Don’t worry. We help lots of people here. First I need to give you this leeetle injection to help you relax.”

DBS: “Really I prefer hot tubbing and sunbathing to relax, Dr Abducto. Here, why don’t you relax instead?” And De Brown Streak super-vibrates through the handcuffs, whips the syringe from the doctor, and plunges it into the bad guy’s gluteus maximus.

Dr Abducto shudders, smiles, and point in the air. “Eeep. See the little pixies?” Then he falls over.

DBS: “Something tells me this isn’t a very nice Mutate Support Association, despite the nice lady on reception.”

And he’s right. The mirror wall rumbled back and three Badripoor science villains who were waiting to take the new mutate back to work for them burst out to restrain Josh. We can’t really use Ian’s villains here so these are new ones, Sinkplunger, Tribble, and the Living Foosball.

Sinkplunger: “Hold it, unlicensed mutate! No mere shabbily-dressed, unshaved, desperate-looking young man escapes the science-villains of Badripoor”

DBS, fed up of being a shabbily-dressed, unshaved, desperate-looking young man, quickly changes into his usual costume and whizzes off to a hotel for a quick shave then blurs back to answer the baddies. “Ah, but I am no mere shabbily-dressed, unshaved, desperate-looking young man! Now you face… ah, never mind. I don’t have time for this crap.”

Sinkplunger changes his hands, feet, and other appendages into giant sinkplungers to such De Brown Streak to him. Tribble leaps on Josh then replicates into hundreds of furry squeaking bright-coloured hairballs. The Living Foosball shifts to become eighteen stiff plastic men each trying to kick their enemy to pieces.

De Brown Streak quickly sticks the Tribbles onto Sinkplunger’s plungers then picks up one of the plastic men and uses it to beat up all the others. He manages to get out of the room just in time before the replicating Tribbles fill all the available space, crushing the villains into unconsciousness.

Nice looking reception lady; “A superhero! Get him! Use the anti-mutate guns!”

“Oooh!” growls Josh, “I don’t like anti-mutate guns. They make me itch and want to beat up Goldeneyed.”

There’s another short battle involving one person being able to move around the whole building removing safety interlock pins from anti-mutate guns while everybody else is pulling the triggers. Then there are some nasty explosions when the anti-mutate guns backfire.

Then it’s all over except for De Brown Streak freeing the captive new mutates from the holding cells.

Baffled confused young mutate kid: “But what do we do now?”

DBS: “Get out of here before the authorities turn up with Sentinoids. Ring this number, ask to talk to Mac, and he’ll tell you where to go and what to do, okay? Tell him Browny sent you.”

Attractive rescued girl in torn short dress: You were very brave Browny.” Heaves a big, spectacular sigh. “How can I ever thank you?”

Second attractive rescued girl in dishevelled nightie: He was brave. And heroic. And very handsome! He deserves some kind of reward.”

DBS: “Well, since you mention it…”

Third attractive rescued girl, in short shorts and too-small halter top: “It’s only fair that we do what we can to comfort him.”

DBS: “Hold it, have I got knocked unconscious and gone into my fantasy life again? I’ve got to get concussed more often.”

Attractive rescued girl in torn short dress, second attractive rescued girl in dishevelled nightie, and third attractive rescued girl, in short shorts and too-small halter top cluster round De Brown Streak to thank him properly.

Third attractive rescued girl, in short shorts and too-small halter top: “You haven’t got knocked unconscious, Browny. Not yet.”

DBS: “Not yet? What do you…?”

And then the rescued girls’ chests all explode, surrounding Josh with choking knockout gas.

DBS: “Koff… No… they discovered my one weakness…”

Nymphbot One: “Knockout gas?”

DBS: “Exploding breasts…” And our hero slumps unconscious. Defeated.

Prof Pervo: Excellent! Bring him, my artificial lovelies. De Brown Streak is overdue for his meeting with Jethro Screwdriver. Bwa-ha-ha!”

Nymphbots: “Giggle!”

To be continued…….


De Brown Streak's Run - thanks HH!


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