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Josh Clement hopes this is okay with the Baroness. If not, just ignore it.
Thu Oct 28, 2004 at 12:58:02 pm EDT
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #7 – Now With Added Zemo
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With a cheery wave at the fans, Josh J Clement bursts onto the screen… faster than a Presidential denial… slipperier than a televangelist’s palm… that brave crusader for truth, justice, and micro-bikinis…

De Brown Streak!!!!

And in today’s episode, children… Josh learns that sometimes wicked people tell fibs. And this is wrong.

Our story begins in one of those seedy waterfront warehouses so beloved of supervillain everywhere. An attractive young woman is sitting reading a magazine on a bench outside the big door marked NO ADMITTANCE ON PAIN OF PAIN.

DBS, zooming in: “Hey, hi!”

Attractive young woman: “Yes?”

DBS sits beside her. “So, are you here to audition for the supervillain gig?”

“No,” she tells him. “I am not. Do I look like a supervillain? Or supervillainess?”

DBS checks her bosom-size. “I guess not,” he admits. “Aw, don’t tell me you’re one of those super-villain groupies. Look, these things never work out. All the guys who turn up to these auditions are real dweeb losers and…”

Turbo Treesloth, just arriving: “Hey!”

Josh grabs him, runs off, and leaves him somewhere in Wisconsin. “As I was saying, real dweeb losers. You don’t want to hook up with them.”

The woman puts down her magazine. “So who do you think I should hook up with?” she asks cynically.

DBS shrugs and smirks. “You’re way too smart to be playing super-punk bimbette toy. Besides, this is a real bad place to be. You know who’s called this audition?”

“I take it you’re about to enlighten me.”

“Von Zemo. Or at least a von Zemo. And you know what they’re all like, right?”

“Big on the purple masks?”

“Bad news. I never got to battle the old Baron but I’ve heard stories. Vicious, devious, underhand, manipulative, borderline insane. Listen, lady… what is your name anyway?”

“Elizabeth.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Josh Clement, De Brown Streak.”

“Really? You see I hadn’t spotted that written on your jogging suit.”

“Er, yes. Okay, well listen Elizabeth, you have to get away from here. Once von Zemo turns up its gonna get nasty.”

Elizabeth von Zemo shrugs. “I’m sure you’ll protect me. I feel safer already. So are you here to, um, audition as a villain?”

DBS: “Oh no. I’m more your misunderstood mutate liberation fighter, oozing Che Guevara sex appeal while saving the world from prejudice and Herbert Garrick. Nah, I’m here because there’s supposed to be some rogue mutate called Spleenshredder coming to sign up, who caused some unpleasantness at an anti-mutate rally.”

“You want to thank him?”

“I want to kick his butt. That’s not the way to get the message over, Elizabeth. Spleenshredder’s going down.”

“So you think the way to get the message over – Josh – is to run around in brown spandex and react to various other people’s agendas without any long term goals or serious overview of how to achieve social change?”

Josh stops in mid-preen. “There is no way you’re gonna make it as a supervillain’s bimbette toy, Elizabeth. Let me take you away from all this. Dinner, maybe, and a quick run over to the Riviera?”

“I don’t think I’m interested in being anybody’s bimbette toy, Josh,” Elizabeth tells him. “Not even a misunderstood mutate liberation fighter, oozing Che Guevara sex appeal.”

“But I can’t leave you here to fall prey to…”

“A von Zemo?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Why don’t you just attack von Zemo then? Elizabeth suggests. “If all von Zemos are as bad as you say…”

“Yeah, well that’s kind of the problem. I dunno much about this new Zemo, and basically it’d be hard to make any charges stick. Plus he’s bound to have some kind of secret death ray or blow-up-the-hostages thing or something, and it’ll all end up in some kind of massive multi-part epic. Frankly, I’d settle for cocktails in the sun with you, Elizabeth.”

“How flattering. But I’m afraid I have a few other things I have to take care of, Josh. Oh look, isn’t that Spleenshredder now, coming in with Throatgorer and Liverbiter?”

“Oh yeah. Look, I gotta go. Nice talking with you Elizabeth, and think about what I said, okay?” DBS speeds off to fight the enemy. But then he’s back. “Hey, you think I could have your number. In case I survive this fight?”

“No, Josh,” Elizabeth tells him. “But I’m pretty sure I’ve got yours.”

And Josh speeds off to fight for truth and justice and micro-bikinis everywhere.

Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo picks up her magazine, goes through the door marked NO ADMITTANCE ON PAIN OF PAIN, sits at the desk and calls, “First candidate.”



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