Tales of the Parodyverse

The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #4 1/2


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DBS via HH
Sat Nov 15, 2003 at 06:39:55 am EST
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Long ago, before the last Ice Age, when I last did a DBS story: Josh had decided that nobody took him seriously as a superhero. He never got into stories by other people, and even when he did an RR chapter he was always written out in the very next bit. It hurt, man, it hurt bad. He sat up nights worrying about it, with that big knot in his stomach and the walls seemed to be mocking him…

So Josh decided what he needed was a big time supervillain, and arch-enemy to have epic struggles with. I mean, had anyone even heard of Batman before he battled the Joker? He was just this goofy guy with a big cave and suddenly he's like, this really dark avenger of the night and everyone's wetting their pants as he looms. That's respect. You wouldn't see Bats disappearing from a round robin in the middle of his big scene 'cause someone had forgotten about him being there. No sir.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, still in the recap. Sorry. Out of practise, y'know? I tried staying in shape by doing quips in front of the mirror, but right now I'm the humour equivalent of Rocky at the start of Rocky II, where's he's all washed up and overweight and Mr T can diss him. I need to go run round the neighbourhood yelling jokes to people while the Eye of the Tiger or one of those eighties power ballads flashes over my montage sequence.

Focus, Josh. The recap. So, looking for an archvillain, right? Right. DBS interviewed quite a few baddies, based on recommendations from folks on the board, but apart from some cheap sex with VelcroVixen and some cheap shots at Balefire (and neither of those is a bad thing, right?) he was no nearer finding a fiendish nemesis of his very own than before. It was getting to be embarrassing. You know: Goldeneyed – Hey, today I fought Prof Manyarms and saved Montreal from a nuclear inferno. Hatman – Yeah. I took on Head Case who was trying to assassinate the President. DBS – er, there was this guy stood outside the 7-11 who was flashing people… Dancer – You should have called us before arresting Space Ghost.

So enter Jethro Screwdriver, villainous multibillionaire arms dealer and underworld financier. We know he's a bad guy because he looks like Peter Cushing. And, I suppose, because he's a blatant ripoff of Iron Man's Justin Hammer. But anybody who looks like either Christopher Lee or Peter Cushing has to be a bad guy, unless they're the one holding the stake. It's in the Constitution, about the eleventh amendment I think. Anyway, this Screwdriver is a bad guy. Don't just take my work for it. Listen: Screwdriver – I am such a bad guy. Kill him.

See, I told you.

This Screwdriver kept on getting walk on cameo parts each time I did a story (about 1 per year on average, I think. I type slow). And he'd say archvillainly things like "Ah, soon it will be time.." while he looked at DBS in this funny kind of way. Not a Lisa-look kind of way, although there's nothing wrong with that. More of a "I'm going to embroil you in an intricate and deadly plot of manipulation and mayhem as soon as my writer can think of an actual story about it" kind of way.

There was one problem though. Before I did my big Screwdriver story – and not in a traditional DBS sense of the phrase – I wanted to get an Aryan Ideal issue in. But AI's not a nice person and there's not much humour to be had with fifteen pages of DBS kicking the sh*t out of him for being a piece of slime. So I kept stalling. Procrastinating. Waiting for inspiration to strike. E-mailing Ian Watson to convince him to write it instead. And so time passed.

Well damn, that HH is good. Next thing I know, he's retconned into existence this writer-guy called Killer Shrike. I don't think any of us believe he was a real person before he started posting on the ToTP board, but now he seems as real as any of us. Realler than Finny and DK, I'd say. Nearly as real as AG. Less fake than Visionary. And definitely more believable than CSFB! I was impressed. I mean, it's kind of flattering that Ian should create a whole new poster just to get my DBS Aryan Ideal story written. But that's the kind of guy he is, I guess. Next time I should ask for a supermodel girlfriend.

Anyway, KS has done this really great story with DBS and CSFB! and AI, way better than I could have ever done, and suddenly I'm off the hook! Free! Free at last! So now I can skip the AI problem knowing that it'll be better written than I could ever have done, and have a shot at the next chapter instead. Thank you KS! I'm glad you're real now. Welcome to reality.

And now the time has come at last. Our recap has run its course. Time to get on with the story. Yes. All I need to do now is think of one. Hmm. *thinks*

Screwdriver: It's time. Bring me De Brown Streak!

To be continued.

Well, that's all we've got time for this episode, boys and girls. Be good and all that and I'll try to show up when I get back to Scotland and some more reliable internet access. Maybe by then I'll have sorted out Screwdriver's nefarious plot. If not, well Ian can always create another talented poster, right? Or at least one like Nats.



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