Tales of the Parodyverse

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J. Jonah Jerkson is back from 2-1/2 weeks in rural Hawaii without Internet
Sat Jul 07, 2007 at 11:23:05 pm EDT
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The Baroness, Part 51. Sally goes to war (A last minute tie in to UT 316
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The Baroness, Part 51 – Sally Goes to War (A tie-in to UT #316)

Sally Rezilyant tossed back the last of her mai-tai and gave her favorite toy boy an appraising glance. “You know, this doesn’t make it for my last night on Earth.”

Lance Stonebreaker was puzzled, but had enough experience with temperamental women to mask it with machismo. “Just come on upstairs with me, sugar lips, and I’ll rock you ‘till you think the world’s come to an end anyway.” He slightly inflated his chest to make the pecs stand out just that little more underneath the thin t-shirt.

Sally licked her lips for a moment and then stopped in mid-swirl. “What are you doing to save the world from the Parody Master, Lance?”

“Huh? Me? I’m no hero – except to the women I meet. You know that, don’cha?”

“You’re good, Lance. Probably great. But even earth-shaking sex isn’t going to make any difference come tomorrow at 10 a.m. When we pop back into reality and find the PM waiting there to pulverize this planet, I don’t want to be sitting on the water at Waikiki with a surfboard waiting for the last big wave ever.”

“You mean you don’t want to be with me for the Big One? You’re not that bad of a surfer – especially when you stretch out and hang ten front and back. Nobody’s ever done that.”

“I don’t want to end my life in the biggest surfing rush ever. I want to be with the Lair Legion again. If I’m going out, I want to give the Parody Master at least one bitchslap from Sally Rezilyant.”

Lance signaled the waitress for another Singha. “You can’t go back to them. You’re Public Enemy No. 2. They’ll just throw you into that safe thing far away from that fat Baroness chick you played diaper for. If you’re lucky you’ll see a little bit of the mayhem on TV before it’s lights out forever.”

“And if we win? We came close before.”

“Then you spend the rest of your life there. No more Lance. No more Raheem or Pyotr or Keoki either. You just tighten up until --”

“How do you know about Raheem and Pyotr and Lars – oops!”

‘You talk in your sleep. Didn’t know about Lars, though. Thanks, darlin’,” he called to the waitress as she set down the beer mug, “I’m taken for tonight though.”

“Already got my stud, sweetcheeks,” replied the blonde. “Have a great last night with pillow lips there.”

A flexible foot and limber leg shot out into the aisle as the waitress returned to the bar, causing waitress, tray, drinks and coasters to crash to the floor and skid under tables and customers. Picking herself up rapidly, accompanied by ironic applause and a few hoots from the more drunken men, the waitress glared angrily back at Sally and Lance. Sally coolly looked up and down her disheveled rival and smirked, “Having balance problems after that boob job, honey?”

“I was tripped! This skank tripped me! Get Bruno – throw her out of here!”

“Jeannie, get back here already,” the manager called from the bar. “How’d she trip you from ten feet away?”

As Jeannie shuffled away, pretending to ignore Sally and Lance, Lance returned to his theme. “Besides which, from what you were tellin’ me, nobody knew you were with the Lair Legion – not even the Legionnaires. You were just playing some kind of stretch suit the whole time.”

“Yeah, you’re right. It was really a drag. Getting shot at, stretched a quarter of a mile long at one point on a wheel, getting laser blasted. Hot work. Then there was that time when I got trapped with Visionary while a Skunk princess tried to duplicate me – and the time we took down an Avawarrior by ourselves, and the time I stretched over a canyon to save Hatman. That was almost as good as the time –“

“I get the picture,” Lance shouted. “Stop before you have me sign up, like those posters with the old English dude with the silly whiskers. ‘Earth Needs You NOW!’ Give me a break.”

“How come you never got drafted, Lance? Lars got offed in China, before he ever showed me that Venus Butterfly thing he kept taking about. Raheem’s missing a leg now, I hear, but he’s still in the line for tomorrow. What were you doing while I was getting sweated on and shot at?”

“Taking care of things. Watching out for things while my friends were away.
Doing some deals. Livin’ la vida loca.”

“Nothing, you mean. Millions of people fighting, billions suffering, all so you can do some deals. You’re pathetic.”

“I’m no nerd-boy, stretch. I take what I want, when I want, and let the wankers get pushed around by the government. If you wanted some pansy who does what he’s told, you wouldn’t be hanging with the Big Lance.”

“So the whole Parody War is about you. Did you even care that I was out there taking laser blasts and choking my guts out from poison gas?”

“Hey, nobody knew it was you playing Citizen Z’s teddy.”

“That’s right. Nobody knew. But now they’re going to.. And what about you? There’s still time to volunteer for something – even Red Cross duty. Or are you going to be the only 30-year-old man in Waikiki tonight who intends to be on a surfboard tomorrow morning?”

“It’s too late to sign up for something important. And it’s way too late for you to get a plane to Parodiopolis to join the Lair Legion or any of the other super groups. So you’re just stuck here with old Lance. Why don’t we make the most of it now.”

Sally stood up and started yelling. “Hallie! Hey Hallie! I’ve got a favor to ask. I know you’re super busy, but just listen a sec.”

Lance reached up from his seat and grabbed his date’s hand. “Shut up! They’ll throw us out.”

Silicone Sally shaped her hands into a long megaphone and bellowed louder. “Come on, Hallie, I need you! Get me out of here! I wanna be with you for the big fight! Zap me back to the Big Banana!”

Lance pulled on Sally’s elbow. “Sit down already! What makes you think that Lair Legion Hallie has any idea where you are? Siddown!” Of course, the elbow just stretched, with no other effect on Sally.

“Hallie, you owe me at least this. I spent six months as underpants to a pudgy megalomaniac! I’ll never get the smell of her body lotion off of me!” By now, most of the beach bar was staring at Sally. At that moment, Sally was cast into shadow as Bruno the elephantine bouncer stepped between her and the stage lights.

“Ya shouldn’t be making so much noise, Miss. Otherwise I will be compelled to ask you to remove yourself from our premises.”

“Huh?”

“Shaddup or I throw youse out.”

Sally took a deep breath, making her figure stand out even more, and roared, “Hallie! Goddamn you green bitch, get me back to Parodiopolis!”

Bruno’s arm moved deliberately toward Sally’s shoulder. “We don’t allow bad language like that in this establishment, miss. Now I must escort you and your friend here out of our property, like now.”

“Like hell,” replied Sally.

“I warned you miss,” growled Bruno as his frypan sized hand gripped Sally’s right shoulder.

“I wouldn’t try that if I were you,” warned Lance with a grin on his face.

“Don’t touch me, pigface,” Sally snarled. “You have two seconds to get that sweaty paw off of me. Ah, hell, I hate waiting.”

Bruno’s fingers suddenly struck his palm as Sally’s shoulder liquefied and oozed out of his grip. While that sensation made its leisurely way up his nerves from his hand toward his spinal cord, Sally spun, whipped her other arm around his shoulder and coiled it down his torso, binding Bruno’s arms to his body.

“What the hell?” the immobilized bouncer exclaimed while his brain tried to make sense of his predicament.

“Now, will you be a nice boy and let me call for my ride?” Sally simpered, contracting her arm to emphasize the point.

“Look, you two bit skank, when I get out of this rope your s—t of a boyfriend threw on me, you both are going to do some time with me in the alley back there. So make it easy on yourselves . . . .”

Sally stretched her other arm over to a nearby table and grabbed a used napkin. With an audible “sproingg,” she snapped it back and stuffed it into Bruno’s open mouth. “That’s enough, potty mouth,” she sneered.

Bruno’s mind still hadn’t appreciated the situation enough to realize he was dealing with a metahuman. But he did realize that his legs were still free. With a strong heave, he drew his right foot back and drove it forward towards the junction of Sally Rezilyant’s legs. Unfortunately, Sally now had plenty of combat experience and stretched herself backwards, away from the oncoming boot. It caught her lightly just below her breasts, just enough to cause a slight rebound. Hopelessly off balance, Bruno teetered on one leg and then toppled to the floor with a loud bang. Sally merely stretched her arm further and twanged back into position, leaving him trussed and out of breath among the scattered popcorn and peanut shells and the pools of stale, spilled beer.

A green figure materialized for a second and then blinked out.

“Hallie! What took you so long?”

Hallie’s voice sounded from nowhere. “Besides maintaining the entire planet? You called me a bitch. I figured I deserved some entertainment for that before picking you up.”

“Coming, Lance?” Sally untangled herself from Bruno and gave her boyfriend a penetrating stare.

“Er, you go ahead. I have to – there’s things I need to do.”

“Yeah, check out the brunette over there. Do what you do best, loverboy – just don’t expect me to appreciate it.” With that, Silicone Sally fizzed into random pixels and blinked away.

Playing the part of Baroness Elizabeth Zemo (and Sally too, I guess)

J. JONAH JERKSON
Voice of the People




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