Tales of the Parodyverse

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Visionary
Fri Mar 17, 2006 at 07:09:08 pm EST

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Pregnant Pause Part two
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“What time is it?” Visionary asked again. “Any word from her?”

“Did you somehow not learn to tell time on your own?” Fleabot snapped back. He hopped about on a keyboard, and multiple screens of the monitor room lit up with giant, digitized numbers showing the current time down to tenths of a second. “I told you, it was an inexact estimate on how long Hallie would need to be completely off-line. There was that unexpected overrun in memory, after all… It’s not surprising that she’d need more time to do the job as a result. I’m sure that’s all that’s behind the delay.” The tiny robot gestured vaguely towards the other room. “Why don’t you go see if Donar needs help setting up that giant-screen television in his new room? You’ll be the first to hear as soon as Hallie’s ready to contact someone, I’m sure.”

“Isn’t Donar’s new television the endzone screen from the old football stadium?”

“Yeah. Amazing what you can find on Ebay. I’m sure it’s cable ready… don’t worry.”

“Right… sorry… Okay” the Legionnaire responded distractedly, fretting nervously with his hands. He wandered away like he had the last 4 times since the end of the estimated blackout period with Hallie had come and gone.

“He is just displaying the usual concern of a would-be father, is he not?” the Shoggoth gurgled from the opposite side of the monitor room, where he was watching 12 different anime shows at the same time.

“Yeah, yeah…” Fleabot agreed. “But there’s nothing usual about this situation, and it’s getting us all a bit on edge… best to keep him busy and away from me. Besides I’m waiting for a… Aha!” He literally pounced on the incoming transmission button, and the large communication screen lit up.

“Heya F-B” Letitia Gahagan’s smiling face lit up the dark room in more ways than one. “Sorry it took so long to get back to you… We’re burning the midnight oil getting ready for the inevitable, and I need to have all my ducks in a row when the Commander-in-Fern gives the go-ahead. Now, what little bugaboo has you all bent out of shape?”

“You got all of my data on Hallie and the pregnancy transfer, right? How she’s incubating Miiri’s baby for the next few weeks so mother and child can get their conflicting gene therapy done?”

“I got the rundown, yes. It was certainly an… inventive… turn of events.”

“We didn’t have much choice.”

“No, I suppose not… and you Legion folk aren’t the type to throw in the towel.”

“But…?” he prodded, knowing that look on her face.

“Look, maybe this isn’t the right time to get into it, but have you stopped to consider just what the consequences of all of this might be for Hallie? I mean, we all know what she is, right? The world’s most sophisticated artificial intelligence… One designed to work for a master criminal, no less.”

“That’s pretty damn close to the definition of me, too” Fleabot noted defensively.

“Touché. And when it comes to villainy, I’m not one to be casting stones. But there are some important differences between you two. You’re built to gather information and pass it on… Hallie’s built to keep it, and keep it secret. What do you think all that additional information does to her? How much has she expanded since you’ve known her?”

“In general, or when she was human and discovered cake?”

“Cute, but I’m not taking the bait. Ulz Hagan has some definite ideas about what happens with her once her mind evolves beyond a certain point. Do you?”

“Hallie’s not interested in achieving whatever destiny Ulz Hagan has in mind.”

“Yeah, and Oedipus was soooo into his destiny too.” She sighed. “Look, I think Hallie is the cat’s meow, I really do. And she’s all heart to do this for Visionary and Miiri. I’m just asking that you keep in mind the kinds of consequences this whole thing could have on her. She’s taken on a Herculean task, one that required her to massively expand her abilities… which is just the kind of thing that Ulz Hagan has been prodding her to do since that bit of bad news blew into town. That alone could lead to significant changes in her… Add to that the huge emotional toll this could be putting on her artificial mind, and I just think you need to keep an eye out for any signs that she’s gotten in over her head.”

As much as Fleabot wanted to debate the issue, he knew she had a point. Especially in light of what he had wanted her input on in the first place. “So I take it you’ve checked my math like I asked…” he said, ducking the issue for now.

She grimaced and nodded. “Yep. And I came to the same conclusions you did. It just doesn’t add up… The matter to energy sums, the processing power and memory capacities… all of it. The digitized child simply should not have amounted to that much data, and beyond that, Hallie should have crashed in the transfer with that much overrun. You’re obviously missing an X-factor still. Maybe a few.”

“Dammit” the little robot swore. “I was hoping you could catch whatever it is I missed.”

I believe I can help… the Shoggoth gurgled from behind him. Fleabot turned to view the bandaged, sanity-mangling Legionnaire with surprise. He had called up a copy of the equations that the Idiom had sent back. Your grasp on the mathematics involved are a little rudimentary. Here, for instance… You forgot to divide by puce.

“Puce. The color” Fleabot checked.

Indeed… it’s considered the constant in this equation. You should get a remainder of point zero seven Tuesday, which will correspond to her position on the household staff.

“Is he putting you on?” the Idiom asked curiously.

“I can never tell” Fleabot admitted.

As for Hallie handling the overrun, that’s really quite simple. She’s an avatar of the Mansion, is she not? She simply called upon the processing power of the Celestians who enable the defense of this site.

The tiny robot blinked, and then swallowed loudly. “The Celestians. The mile-high incomprehensible and nigh-omnipotent entities tasked with maintaining the mechanisms of the Parodyverse by their unknown creators. Those Celestians. Hallie called on them.”

Just for a fraction of a second the Shoggoth assured him. Didn’t you feel it? Ebony claimed it made her teeth itch.

“Hallie… can access the processing power of the giant space robot Celestians.”

I doubt she did so consciously. And in many ways they worked through her. I gather they’ve taken an interest in her and in the offspring she’s carrying.

“Oh” Fleabot said, stunned. “How… nice.”

Do you think it would allay Visionary’s fears if we shared this information with him?

“Ah… no. Probably not.” Fleabot glanced up at Letitia and considered her advice from earlier. “Actually, if you’ll excuse me… I’m thinking I might go hide under a bed for the next few years myself.”

Letitia and the Shoggoth regarded each other through the open connection after the little robot had fled. “Sooo…” she began. “Point zero seven Tuesday?”

Of course... The Shoggoth nodded. You’re not familiar with the remains of the day?




The line clicked open, and a groggy voice answered.

“Miiri? I woke you, didn’t I?”

“Hallie?” the woman on the other end of the phone said, shaking off the sleep. “Hallie! Does this mean..?”

“Yeah, I think everything is under control. I’ve got the little one stabilized.” She patted her stomach gently as she sat back into the couch, holding the cordless phone to her holographic ear. “There’s a way to go to repair all of the damage, but Moo’s therapy seems to be working quite well. I just now poked my head back out of virtual space, and thought you deserved the first update.”

The relief in the woman’s voice was obvious. “And you? Are you all right?”

“I’m… adjusting” the glowing green woman answered carefully. She smiled and rubbed the back of her neck. “It’s kind of silly, but I found my virtual form defaulting to a simulation of pregnancy. I guess it’ll help others adjust too, and maybe it won’t seem quite so much like your child just up and vanished. I figure Vizh could use the obvious reassurance… he’s the jumpy sort.” She took a deep breath, which was another unnecessary touch. “Um… look, I just wanted to say… I’m so sorry, Miiri. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I couldn’t have imagined what it was like to have something living inside me until...” She sighed sadly. “In a just world, you would have been the one to see this the whole way through to completion.”

Now it was the Caphan’s turn to take a ragged breath. “It is something I wanted so much, without ever realizing it” she admitted and went silent for a moment before speaking again with conviction. “Thank you. But don’t you apologize to me, Hallie… Not ever. We can never possibly repay you for what you’ve done… and I know it wasn’t something you took on lightly.”

“Hey, anyone there would have done it if they could” Hallie argued. “Heck, even Donar would have been picking out maternity clothes if he could have figured out a way to take on the challenge of birthing your child... especially if we suggested the pain involved in the contractions would be epic. Although I suppose your child’s origin is going to be confusing enough without giving him a hairy man-mom.”

“But you are the one who took it on. In spite of everything” Miiri pointed out, ignoring her efforts at deflection. “You should know that on Caph, surrogate mothers have earned an esteemed place within society. I shared my body with the child, and now the child shares it with you. By custom, you and I are now blood sisters, and you are an equal parent in our house. In my eyes, you are going to become a mother at the birth as well… So you can stop saying your child, dear sister.”

Hallie blinked in shock. “Miiri, I… what?”

“That is, if you should accept the title.” Miiri added hastily. “I’m sorry… Visionary warned me not to push you into anything. You’ve already done so much without hesitation. I don’t want to tie you into more. I just… wanted you to know how I felt.”

“No, I…” she swallowed and laid a hand on her swollen abdomen. “I’m just… still adjusting.”

“I understand” the Caphan replied wearily. “This isn’t how any of this was supposed to happen.”

“No” Hallie agreed. “But I’m thinking maybe we can still find a way to the happy ending.” She felt the living child mixed within her code, beginning the long process of recovery now that the life signs were stabilized. “Thank you Miiri… For what you said. It means a lot to me. This whole experience does.”

“For me as well” Miiri replied, then hesitated shyly. “You have a… unique bond with the baby, don’t you? I was wondering… What can you tell me about our child?”

“Well…” Hallie answered with a warm smile. “She’s a determined one”

“A… daughter? We’re going to have a daughter?” the Caphan asked, delighted.

“Yes. And she’s already a handful” the hologram stated. In truth it was an understatement, what with the amount of juggling she had had to do to pull off this unusual fete. “I can’t even imagine what she’ll be like by the time she gets to be old enough to date. We may have to keep Vizh distracted for the first 20 or so years of her life so he doesn’t think about what a half-Caphan teenage daughter might be up to with boys. Well, distracted or sedated.”

“I might be able to reassure him by sharing a few slavegirl knife-juggling dances with our daughter” Miiri suggested. “It is a very bad idea to touch a highly trained Caphan pleasure slave without permission. And one would need to touch one very thoroughly to find all the places a talented dancer can conceal a knife.”

“Sounds good. Just, ah… gloss over whatever else might be included in those ‘training’ sessions for a sexually active daughter. He already went through one heart before he hit 35. I’m not sure what this one will take by the time he’s 50.”

“How did he handle the news about his daughter?” Miiri asked eagerly.

Hallie glanced over to the other end of the couch, where Visionary still rested where she had found him, passed out with his head lolling off the back of the sofa and a bit of drool running down his cheek. “I’m guessing that 72 hours without much sleep has caught up with him. I thought I’d leave him be for a bit… besides, why spoil the surprise for him?”

“You know, Sarah, Kerry and the others were telling me about Terran birthing customs” the Caphan noted. “It seems here it is traditional for the father-to-be to wait on the pregnant mother hand and foot as the time of her labor approaches. As you are Terran yourself, I think this would be an excellent custom for him to honor. Especially since he did so miserably at upholding the traditional Caphan Mera’h ceremony.”

A wicked grin crossed the hologram’s face. “Are you saying I get Vizh to cater to my every need? My every itch? My every dark craving?”

“Of course. We can’t thank you enough, after all. Be sure to remind him of that. Often” Miiri suggested. “So… what exactly did you have in mind for him?”




“Pickles too… Don’t forget those.”

“Seriously?” Visionary asked, wincing. “Aren’t you getting a little cliché now?”

She gave him a level stare. “Do you really want to talk back to me after you go and beam your offspring inside me, making me swell up like some bloated digital cow and trapping me in the mansion for the next few weeks?”

He sighed. “Sweet gerkins, or garlic dills?”

“Little of each” she decided magnanimously. “Oooh… what do we have that’s salty?”

“Pretzels?” he asked hopefully.

“Isn’t there a tin of anchovies in the cupboard?”

“Dear Lord, I hope not…” He shuddered as he opened the pantry and she was proven correct. He could fathom no legitimate reason why any cupboard should have the hairy little fish in stock. “Come clean… Do you really have food cravings?” he asked as he checked the tin suspiciously.

“Like you wouldn’t believe. I think it’s an insidious infection left over from when I was turned human… Only now it’s turned up to 11.” She ran a hand through her limp green hair before remembering she didn’t currently have the processing power to do the individual strands justice. “I’m all out of whack currently… My personal parameters all need to be reset, I can barely generate a decent holographic image, I can’t access any of the databanks, and I’m only allowing one open line from the mainframes to the island’s holography fields so that there aren’t any backdoors for hackers to use… And trust me, my wide ass is blocking that one route left pretty thoroughly.”

He looked at her in admiration. “Did I mention how incredible you are for doing this?”

“You can tell me again later when you’re rubbing my feet.”

“Your feet can ache?”

“Do I need to go through the list of sacrifices I’m making again?”

“Right… right… sorry.” He fumbled with the key to the anchovy tin and looked at her with concern. “Are you sure you’re doing okay? Not just the programming hassles… I mean, the real you. Are you sure you’re alright?”

She shrugged. “I think so… Not that there’s much that can be done about it for the next few weeks anyway. Right now, I’m running at a very minimum complexity, kinda like booting a simpler computer up in “safe mode”. Everything else is going to the child. I’m not sure what happens when I get all of that processing power back.” She regarded her pregnant stomach with affection. “I admit, though, there are parts of this that I’ll miss, despite the hassles. I never thought about being pregnant before…”

“You didn’t?” he asked, surprised.

“Vizh, I’m a computer program” she pointed out. “I’m flattered that everyone forgets that, but the idea that I’d never be pregnant hadn’t really been haunting me, any more than I’d imagine your inability to get pregnant would haunt you.” She narrowed her eyes. “It doesn’t haunt you, does it? I mean, that might explain that one blouse…”

“Dammit, Yo bought me that shirt, and he swore it was unisex!” He finished opening the tin of anchovies and, with a shudder, added them to the contents of the blender.

“Yeah!” she said eagerly. “That about covers all the taste sensations I can’t stop thinking about…” She hit “liquefy”, and the contents turned from pink (strawberry ice cream base) to a frightening grayish color.

“All at once?” Visionary grimaced with revulsion.

“It’s more efficient this way” she assured him, pouring the lumpy muck into a glass. “Do we have any of those loopy, twisty straws? I always loved those…”

“I think the larger… *gahk*.... bits… will probably get stuck in a straw.” He advised sickly. “I doubt I can stand to watch you drink it anyway, let alone see it twirl its way through a long, clear straw.”

“Oh, don’t be silly… I can’t drink this. I can’t even taste anything in my current state.”

He looked puzzled. “Then why…” He froze. “Oh no… No. Nonononononononono.”

“Be sure to be really descriptive… I want to imagine all the different flavors as you talk about them!”

“No! Not *hurk*… Not a chance. I mean, sure, I appreciate all you’ve done what with, you know… um… saving the life, ah… of my first born… and all… but… but… um…” He gave the milkshake of doom a haunted look and covered his mouth, though it may have been to keep things in as much as out. “…gah” he whimpered in defeat.

“That’s the spirit! Don’t forget your promise to make things up to me from when we were in Lemuria” she reminded him evilly.

He offered up a little prayer for his digestive tract as he reached for the glass. “And this will do it?”

“Well…” she answered judiciously, tapping her chin, “the next few weeks until the baby is born will certainly be a nice start…”






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