Tales of the Parodyverse

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CrazySugarFreakBoy!
Sun Jan 15, 2006 at 01:38:30 am EST
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Untold Tales of the Junior Lair Legion: More Than Meets the Eye
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#250: Untold Tales of the Junior Lair Legion: So You Say You Want a Graduation? or School’s Out For Summer
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The Hooded Hood celebrates 250 issues of Untold Tales with the longest chapter to date. The epilogue is the length of a normal chapter. Sorry.
Fri Jan 13, 2006 at 05:42:22 pm EST
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Untold Tales of the Junior Lair Legion: More Than Meets the Eye

“How could this have happened?” Glitch gasped in stunned shock, as metallic catches of grief and guilt developed in her voice. “How could so many Autobots have died? Prowl, Ratchet, Ironhide … even Optimus Prime … all wiped out by a single Decepticon strike on Earth, before Unicron nearly wiped out all of the Transformers on Cybertron. And I wasn’t there. You all needed me, and I wasn’t there, because I’ve been spending the past year stuck in the literal limbo of the Order of the Observing Eye’s monastery, wasting my time on an assignment whose objective was already out-of-date before I’d ever arrived.”

“On the contrary,” countered Rodimus Prime, as he briefed her through a holographic comm-link in the monitor room of the Lair Legion mansion, “your field mission with the humans could very well be more important now than ever before, because the foe they’re now facing makes the previous invasion attempt by their Technopolitan counterparts pale by comparison. Perceptor has analyzed the remains of Unicron, and determined that the composition of its components includes a significant amount of Imaginesium alloy, the same element that the Terrans have identified as Impossibilitium. And not to put too fine a point on it, but the only other Transformer who’s ever been identified as having any trace of Imaginesium in their chassis is … you. So, I want you on the tip of the spear.”

“You mean … you’re expecting something on the scale of Unicron to hit Earth?” Glitch tried to clarify. “And you actually compute that I can deal with it on my lonesome?”

“I can’t explain it in any sort of rational way,” Rodimus Prime admitted grudgingly, pinching the bridge of his olfactory sensor in frustration. “All I know is, the Matrix inside of me is telling me that there’s a connection, between whatever finally compelled Unicron to seek out the Autobot Matrix of Leadership after all these countless millennia, and the oppressive force that’s been assimilating the worlds and peoples of so many of the galaxy’s organic races lately. It almost feels as though an external motivating factor is manipulating the entire universe toward an apocalyptic … resolution, of some sort.”

“In other words, you’re calculating that my Imaginesium might enable me to mount some kind of credible opposition to whatever you believe was driving Unicron, and is still trying to take over the rest of reality, even though I’m only one Autobot,” Glitch rolled the lenses of her optics sarcastically. “If nothing else, I suppose it’s heartening to hear how far I’ve come, since the days when Ultra Magnus thought I couldn’t be trusted to run a simple hit-and-run surveillance and sabotage operation against the Decepticons.”

“You’re not just one Autobot, though,” Rodimus Prime contradicted. “Out there, where you are, it’s not about being an Autobot or a Decepticon, or even a Transformer. You’re the comic book fan … you should be able to recognize what you’ve become. You’re a superhero now, on a world that’s populated by a statistically unlikely preponderance of superheroes, as Perceptor would no doubt remind you. I wish we could be there for you, every bit as much as you wish you could have been there for us, but we all still have our own battles left to fight. In the meantime, you’re not alone. Optimus once told me that what he appreciated most about humans is how they’re at their best when things are at their worst. I never understood that while he was alive, and it’ll probably come as cold comfort to hear me tell you that you’ll be able to see humans at their best very soon.”

“The Matrix of Leadership has definitely changed you,” Glitch chuckled. “The last time we spoke faceplate-to-faceplate, you were trying to grab my axle. I guess I’ve changed since then too, and it looks like I’ve got a lot more changes in store for me. For starters, researching the educational texts of DC and Marvel Comics has revealed that superheroes whose identities tie into the legacies of previous generations of other superheroes often succeed as a result of the built-in support for their brand names, so since my chassis is composed of Impossibilitium, the same element that has empowered this planet’s CrazySugarHistoricHeroes! … you can call me the GlitchedGizmoRiotgrrlRobot!”

“Who or what is a ‘riotgrrl?’” Rodimus Prime wondered aloud, and instantly regretted it.

“You’re obviously still ignorant of such essential concepts of Terran popular culture as feminism and punk rock,” Glitch sniffed, in the condescendingly self-congratulatory tone of affected worldliness that only an adolescent female can manage, no matter what her species. “I’ll hold off on schooling you on the fundamentals until I can hook up with you and the other Autobots again for good. ‘Til all are one.”

“‘Til all are one,” Rodimus Prime agreed in farewell.
__________

So, what the hell is this story supposed to be about, anyway?

In 1986, The Transformers: The Movie was released in America. While the television series had been set in the "modern day" of the early-to-mid 1980s (one episode even featured the Autobots participating in the restoration of the Statue of Liberty, and aired during the same year that those repairs actually took place), the movie pulled the rather ballsy stunt of advancing the entire timeline 20 years, to the then-futuristic year of 2005 (and as with most sci-fi portrayals of "the future," everyone in this version of 2005 was wearing outer space-style fashions, as opposed to the relatively drab outfits that most of us were wearing over the course of the past year). Thus, 20-something construction worker "Spike" Witwicky, from the TV series, is a 40-something astronaut in the movie, with a 10-year-old son named Daniel. For the purposes of this tie-in story, though, while Glitch was away with the Order of the Observing Eye, the major events of the Transformers movie were taking place without her, including the death of former Autobot leader Optimus Prime (along with those of several other longstanding Autobot and Decepticon characters), as well as the coming (and eventual defeat) of the planet-eating Transformer, Unicron, and the ascension of Autobot warrior Hot Rod to the role of Rodimus Prime, the new leader of the Autobots. The bit about Unicron being composed of Impossibilitium, like Glitch, is not a red herring; Chaos has two sides, Creation and Destruction, and Unicron certainly embodies the latter, with a history that many accounts claim stretches back to the start of everything, depending upon which version of Transformers continuity you prefer. I've already left a few hints about this in previous stories, so you're welcome to speculate.

Oh, and while I enjoyed Vizh's rendition of Glitch, I found a fan art pic online, of a non-canon character created by the artist in question (who goes by the handle of "Razormoon"), that I thought would make for a near-flawless depiction of Glitch (whose vehicle mode is a moped, after all), being caught in a compromising position by one of her fellow Autobots. Enjoy.




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