Tales of the Parodyverse

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J. Jonah Jerkson
Mon Jun 19, 2006 at 11:49:28 pm EDT
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The Baroness, Part 44 -- An Intimate Interlude
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The Baroness, Part 44

An Intimate Interlude


“So Sir Mumphrey knew all along,” Sally Rezilyant groused as she stalked into the hotel suite and called toward the closed bedroom door. “You didn’t have to drag me along as your personal piece of fetish wear, you know. Now I know why all those business books warn people not to get too close to the boss.”

“Just a moment . . . uh, uh, no! I’ll be right there . . .no, I won’t, hee hee, just talk a little louder, would you, Sally?”

“Two weeks cheek to cheek with you, Your Excellency, TWO WEEKS! And not one remotely pleasurable encounter out of all of it. And the old fart knew all along.”

“Don’t jump to conclusions, Sally. Ouch! Sorry, stubbed my toe. For all we know, the old goof might have found out only yesterday. And besides, would you rather be here in a Swiss luxury hotel or hiding in that basement in Willington?”

“What I’d rather be doing is getting laid by Lance, Your Excellency. There’s only so much TV a red-blooded woman can take.”

“You don't have any blood, Sal . . . stop that!”

“Stop what? I’m just standing here,” the Flexible Felon mused.

“Go order some caviar or something. I’m busy.” Her employer forced her words through gritted teeth.

Silicone Sally’s nearly transparent eyebrows rose for a moment. She then stepped silently to Elizabeth Zemo’s bedroom door and extended her right ear into a near-megaphone size shape, which she applied to the door. A few moments later, her face looked like an angry thundercloud, and she jerked open the door to confront the Baroness.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! YOU’RE GETTING IT ON WITH THIGHMASTER! YOU KEPT ME HIDDEN AWAY FROM EVERY STUD ON THE PLANET FOR THREE WEEKS, AND YOU GO GET YOURSELF OFF WITH HIM?”

“Want to make it a threesome?” the ruler of Bovoria smirked. “That ear of yours must be something special.”

“He was in the neighborhood,” Elizabeth explained lamely.

“So was Prince Albert of Monaco, not to mention 350 of the bodyguards for every other ruler on the planet with big muscles and brains to match! And you wouldn’t let me near any of them! And then you go after Thighmaster? Our rep will be totaled! ‘There goes Silicone Sally. Her boss boinks Thighmaster.’ Zero cred, here we come.“

“Hey, I can’t help it if word gets around,” the Bovorian Buffoon preened. “But I’ll put in a good word for you, Sally, when I do ‘Entertainment Tonight.’ Of course, you’ll have to do your part,” he leered.

Sally’s glare could have frozen Mount Kilauea.

“I didn’t enjoy it.” The Baroness decided it was time to recover some dignity.

“It certainly sounded as if you did.” Thighmaster’s voice, however, quavered a bit. “And it’s not my fault the Cialis didn’t work.”

“Is the Baroness dissatisfied with my services?” a cultured voice came from the closet.

“Who’s that?” cried Silicone Sally.

“Nobody . . . nothing, just some random noises, I’m sure, nothing to do with me, really,” Thighmaster blathered.

“There’s someone in there!” Sally began stretching her arm toward the closet door.

“Stop that!” Thighmaster lunged for Sally’s extended rubber arm. It bowed and stretched, then rebounded in the best Looney Toons fashion, throwing Thighmaster into a nearby wall.

“Aha!” Silicone Sally crowed. “There’s a man in this closet . . . woo hoo, what a man!”

“Him, I enjoyed,” the Baroness affirmed.

“An honor to serve you, Your Excellency.”

“Are you doing anything right now, big boy?” Sally’s tongue caressed her lips in an unsubtle fashion.

“Browning, at your service, Miss Rezilyant.”

Without another word, Sally snaked both her arms around the magnificent minion and dragged him from the bedroom towards her own.

Elizabeth Zemo’s gaze turned to Thighmaster, whose gallant reflex remained unassuming. “Out. Now. And if you ever speak about this to anyone, I will not be kind.”

“But I always wanted to work with a Zemo!” Thighmaster complained.

“Out!” Beth reached under the covers and retrieved a Mark XI disintegrator pistol.

“My clothes!”

“You’re right,” replied the Baroness, and aimed the pistol at the red and gold uniform, gold epaulettes, diamond encrusted belt, silk sash and other regalia piled in the corner. A brief flash ensued. “Now you don’t have to worry about them.” She then raised the pistol to point at the Bovorian’s groin. “Five, four, three . . .” He was gone.

“Prince Albert, did she say?” The Baroness lifted the telephone. “Operator?”

Playing the part of Baroness Elizabeth Zemo

J. JONAH JERKSON
Voice of the People


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