Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancer via Visionary
Tue Jun 14, 2005 at 09:33:34 pm EDT
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Visionary and the Heart of Darkness, chapter 4: "Now can I hit him, ma?"
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[The Scene: Vizh and Kerry are
staying with mild-manned superstar-to-be-and-current-waitress Sarah Shepherdson
in her humble one-bedroom flat above the Bean and Donut Coffee Bar. It’s
not much but it has a nice shoe closet. Vizh has become accidentally engaged to
be married to Shep in a bid to keep Kerry from being deported back to Ireland’s
Juvenile Lobotomy Programme. Kerry is off at the Hogan Academy in one of KS’
sub-plots, and soon she’ll be going to her new temporary foster-family (in about
two chapters’ time, I’d say). Sarah is down at the Seamans’ Mission comforting
down-on-their-luck sailors (but not in a Lisa way). Vizh has discovered that the
reason there’s no TV remote control is that Sarah doesn’t have a TV.]


Vizh: But why does she have a big stack of exercise videos then?


[There is a knock at the door. There’s a strictly limited amount of funny ways
to say that.]


Vizh, savagely: Con Johnstantine! *answers door* I told you before that your
days of just barging in here at all hours demanding cheap sleazy sex with Sarah
are over, no matter how clever you are at fast-talking or what kind of
spreadable foodstuffs you happen to have purchased, and…


Vizh, blinking: And, er, good evening Mrs Shepherdson. I had no idea that you
had travelled here all the way from Ireland.


Large young man looming over Ma Shepherdson: *punches Vizh*


Vizh, falling backwards over sofa: Ow!


Karl Shepherdson, Sarah’s large young brother: “Get up you slime. I’m going to
rip out your spine and beat you to death with it.


Vizh: Thanks, but I already have a mystery heart condition. Do I really need a
spinectomy? Besides, now I’m down here under the sofa I just spotted another
Semtex cache we didn’t find on our last sweep for Kerry’s backpacks.


[Ma Shepherdson grabs up the backpack and tosses it into the waiting bucket of
water with practised ease]


Karl: Now can I hit him, ma?


Vizh: Wait! I think you’re confusing me with Con Johnstantine. And I never
thought I’d be saying those words. Let me just go put on my yellow coat!


Ma Shepherdson: As if I would confuse you with that nice Mr Johnstantine. He’s a
right one, that lad! Always has a cheeky smile for me and he calls me Mrs S.


Vizh, hopefully: I could call you Mrs S.


Karl: Are you being disrespectful to my mother? Are you?


Vizh: Er, no. I try not to disrespect mothers when their nine foot tall sons are
towering over me in their rugby kit. Did you travel in that on the plane?


Ma Shepherdson: We came as soon as we heard that you’d got our Sarah in trouble.


Vizh: I did what?


Karl: You won’t be getting any more semi-innocent young girls into trouble after
I rip off your…


Vizh: Time out! First, have you see Shep’s Spark scores? Er no, on second
thoughts, don’t see them. But what makes you think I’ve got your daughter in
trouble? I never encouraged her to attack that traffic warden who was bullying
the old lady in the Subaru. He shouldn’t have been waving his finger at Sarah if
he didn’t want to get it stuck in the parking meter. And the policeman agreed
that you could hardly blame a passing waitress on an urban justice kick for…


Karl: Not that kind of trouble. You know. Trouble.


Ma Shepherdson: How long before it starts showing, Visionary? We need to get the
wedding over with while she can still fit into the bridal dress.


Vizh: Showing? Wait a minute! Are you saying Sarah is pregnant?


Karl: Of course. Why else would you suddenly agree to marry her? You dirty
sister-ruining lowlife, I’m going to feed you your kidneys!


Vizh: Wait! I may need my kidneys later to explain why this is all a
misunderstanding.


Ma Shepherdson: I’m sure it is a misunderstanding. She was never very good at
counting, our Sarah.


Vizh: What I mean is, Sarah’s not pregnant. She can’t be.


Vizh, honestly: Well, not by me. And from what I gather the chances of her
getting pregnant at all are extremely small.


Vizh, worriedly: I suppose that would explain why she announced we were getting
married.


Vizh: No. Let’s not do another of those big complicated misunderstanding
storylines.


Karl: Have you quite finished muttering? Can I crush you now?


Ma Shepherdson: Are you saying you’ve not vilely seduced our Sarah and got her
up the duff?


Vizh: I don’t really know what a duff is. I wouldn’t know how to get anyone up
one.


Karl, looming: Don’t try that with me. Do I look stupid?


Vizh: Is that a compulsory question?


Karl: Just tell me if you’ve vilely seduced my sister, so I can grind your
spleen into pulp and then go see a show while we’re in town.


Vizh, delicately: Well, I haven’t really vilely seduced your sister, um,
recently. You see there was this n-dimensional imp…


Ma Shepherdson: Don’t you come the old n-dimensional imp excuse with me, laddie.
As if I haven’t heard that a hundred times before.


Vizh: Look, this isn’t about Sarah, it’s about Kerry. Don’tripoutmyspleen! I
just mean that Kerry was going to be deported and the only way I could keep her
here and be her guardian is if I was part of her family. So Shep said…


[Ma and Karl exchange glances]


Karl: Oh. Another one of those marriages.


Vizh: Wait! What?


Ma Shepherdson: I’m sorry, Visionary. It h‘appears we have been deluded. Give
the young man his spleen back, our Karl.


Karl, disappointedly: I didn’t even get to rip it out yet. This trip is no fun.


Vizh: So… did you have a nice flight? And can I come out from behind the sofa
now?


Ma Shepherdson: Of course you can, son. Welcome to the family.


[To be continued…]







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