Tales of the Parodyverse

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Visionary
Sun Jun 12, 2005 at 02:14:52 pm EDT

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Visionary and the Heart of Darkness, chapter 3: Deviants
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“So, what...?” Lisa asked levelly from the non-quarantined office levels of the Mansion. Dancer had just finished reporting how things had gone during the meeting with the social worker. “...Sarah decided that just shooting Vizh in the head wouldn’t be baroque enough?”

“Things kind of got out of hand quickly…” Dancer explained. “It was just the first thing that popped into my… er, her… mind.”

“Marriage?!” Lisa cried in disbelief. “Marriage is the first thing she thinks of when trying to keep Mr. Panic Attack from getting too agitated?!”

“She was trying to think of a way to keep her sister from being deported!” the woman who was secretly the Sarah in question responded hotly. “It’s what Vizh was most worried about. This thing has been hanging over their heads for weeks now… they had hoped that getting Kerry enrolled in the Hogan Academy would have impressed social services a bit more, but… well, the timing on all of this could have been better.”

“You think?” the lawyer bit back sarcastically. “His heart is on the verge of exploding, and now he has to register for wedding presents and china patterns? That’s just the kind of thing that men find soothing.”

“Please to be not yelling” Yo interrupted for the first time since Dancer began her report. The pure thought being had spent the entire time listening gravely while stroking his pet bunny Rabito, who was curled up in his lap. The usually exuberant Legionnaire was much more subdued since he had taken it upon himself to organize the team’s efforts to find a cure for his ailing best friend. “I am sure cute Sarah and Visi were to be doing the best they could for cute Kerry’s sake. Am I right in thinking Kerry is not knowing of Visi’s problem?”

“He didn’t want to worry her” Dancer admitted.

“I don’t know why… we’re all handling it so well.” Lisa muttered to herself.

“We will be finding the answer” Yo assured them both with a smile. “Already, Cute Xander and Hallie are following differing leads.” The Legion’s deputy chair turned his eyes on Dancer. “What I am wanting to know is… does cute Sarah love Visi?”

Sarah Shepherdson blinked as this question took her off-guard, and she shifted under the scrutiny of both her teammates. “He’s… Visionary” she observed. “Who doesn’t love Vizh?”

Yo smiled and added “But… not that way?”

“I don’t think…” she began, then sighed. “No. Not that way.”

He nodded sympathetically and scratched Rabito behind the ears. “Then we shall have to be finding a way out of the cute doom of matrimony for the both of them as well, while allowing Visi to keep Kerry.”

Suddenly Joshua Clement skidded to a halt in front of them all. “Hey there… Just to let you know, there’s some tweedy guy on the front gate video monitors… says he’s Dean-something from Parodiopolis U, and he needs to talk to Vizh and Lisa about the Juniors program.”

Lisa swore. “What now?” she groaned and she heaved herself out of her chair and followed in the direction of the blur that was De Brown Streak.

“So where is Visi being currently?” Yo asked curiously

“He’s resting up in Sarah’s apartment over the Bean and Donut” Dancer explained. “I figured it was a nice quite place where he could relax his nerves a bit after all that’s happened... Nothing too irritating should be able to get to him there.”




“Hey pet” Con Johnstantine said, looking down to light a cigarette as the door to the apartment opened. “I thought I’d come see if you fancy a midmorning snog, and then we’d see where it went from there, eh?”

“Not that I’m not flattered, snookums…” Visionary answered dryly, “…but you wouldn’t believe the size of the headache I have. And I’m just not that curious anyway.”

The Englishman’s head snapped up in surprise. “Ah… Shep’s been bringing home the strays again, has she? Where might she be?”

“Out” Visionary noted unhelpfully.

“Heh… no need to get your back up, now.” He stopped and squinted at the disheveled Regular. “Bloody hell, do you look like… well, bloody hell. What happened to you?”

Visionary rubbed his forehead wearily. “I got engaged”

“Yeah, well…that’d do it.” He took a drag off his cigarette. “So who’s the lucky bird?”

Visionary frowned. “The woman you came to ‘snog’.”

Johnstantine blinked and then snorted, began to chuckle, and soon was shaking with peals of laughter. “That’s just too perfect… Congratulations” he finally managed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. He stood there nodding for a few moments in silence. “So then…” he added after another calming drag, “Do you have any idea what time she’ll be back? Because if we’re going to squeeze anything in, I’ve only got a couple hours before this thing I need to do.”




“Hey there…” a pleasant and decidedly female voice called out from across the room. “Might you be just the man I’m looking for?”

Howard Chiklaus looked up from his microscope, rolled his eyes and stifled a groan. A pretty young woman with jet black hair stood at the doorway to the basement lab… possibly a late year med student judging by her age, but more likely someone from hospital administration judging from her attire and the PDA she carried. Either way, a complete waste of his time. “I rather doubt it” he intoned in his usual nasal and dismissive voice as he looked back to his sample plate. “We do the hard sciences down here. You know… the icky stuff with the germs and such. Records are on the 3rd floor.”

She didn’t bat an eye or lose her friendly smile for one second as she casually made her way across the room to glance down at what he was doing. “Hey, you’re a Star Trek fan?”

He spared a quick glance to his vintage 1983 “Spock Lives” T-shirt, and shot her a withering glance. “Brilliant deduction, Holmes!” he snorted.

She simply shrugged apologetically and brushed her hair back behind her ear with one hand. A glint of light caught his attention, and he could see that she was wearing earrings shaped like tiny communicator badges and had a matching pendant around her neck that he had somehow overlooked before. “Sorry… It’s only… see I just started working for Weazer up in infectious diseases, and she flipped out about me displaying my “Trouble with Tribbles” limited edition Kirk action figure on my desk… I was just happy to see a fellow fan who wasn’t shut down by management.”

Howard blinked and nodded. He had written quite a lengthy e-mail of complaint to the board of directors about Ms. Weazer’s intolerance and the way it created a hostile work environment. He remained adamant in his belief that rubber Spock ears took nothing away from the professional image of Phantomhawk Memorial Hospital. “Yeah! She’s bitchier than a Cardassian with PMS… A fact I illustrated most scathingly in this fan-fiction story I wrote about one ‘Ensign Weazer’ who crash landed on an ice planet full of Klingons in heat, only none of them would share body warmth with her because of her shrewish nature…”

Her eyes seemed to focus on something else for a moment and then her face lit up with recognition. “Oh my god! You’re GornWrestler1701! I love your work!”

Howard preened. He had always believed that someday he would be recognized for his moving prose, pointed barbs and witty insights on the message board circuit. That it would come from a chick who was so very doable was just gravy. “So you’ve been following my 12 part series with MugatoTamer248 on the sexiest races in the Trek universe.”

“Er… yes. Very thorough.”

“We debated for hours. He thought Vulcans going through Pon Farr should have the number 4 spot, but I’d said, c’mon… it doesn’t matter how hot the brainy women get, there’s no way they’re going to overtake the green-skinned Orion Slave…”

Anyway, about my problem…” she interrupted suddenly, her smile faltering for the first time. “I was just wondering if you could help me out… See, I’m studying this case of a rare affliction, and I’m trying to track down a blood sample that should have come through here but seems to have gone missing.”

“Hmmmm…” he said, emphasizing his knowledge by giving the matter due consideration. “You’ve checked that it wasn’t misfiled? Happens a lot. Interns, you know.”

“I’ve scanned all the samples” She held up her data pad for him to look. It must have been a newer model, because it was more advanced than usual hospital equipment. “The electronic records from the refrigeration unit say it was checked out here…” she indicated the date/time stamp on the screen. “But the pass card information is garbled so you can’t make out who took it for research.”

“Hey, I was working in here then…” he noted.

“I thought you might have been” she smiled at him.

“Yeah… that’s the night that those men in black types came and asked me a bunch of questions! I didn’t see them take anything, though the woman was talking to me while the guy wandered looking around the lab… I wrote about it online. So totally Mulder and Sculley… don’t know who they really were though. They gave some bullshit names...”

“And the descriptions in your story were accurate?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh, yeah… totally. Well, maybe not what she was wearing…”

“Right.” She frowned in concern then.

“So, uh… what’s your screen name? Maybe we could meet up in a chat room sometime…”

She glanced back to him, clearly distracted. “I’m sorry Howard… I have to go. I want you to know you have my thanks, though.” She stepped back and tapped the pendant around her neck. “Away team to bridge, one to transport… Energize.” And with that, her body dissolved into glowing light and disappeared.

Howard Chiklaus stared in gape jawed wonder at the spot she had last occupied, then realized that not only wasn’t he going to get any cyber-sex tonight, his friends would never believe that any of it had ever happened. He sighed and turned back to his microscope.

“She was a total ice bitch anyway” he argued to the sample plate.




“Wait” Lisa said, holding up her hands. “Back up. Start over.”

“The Parodiopolis Board of Regents has been getting letters of complaint, it seems…” Dr. Mortensen, Dean of External Student Affairs explained once again, “…about Mr. Visionary.”

“From who? The Juniors love Vizh! Mostly” Lisa assured him, making a note to wring the little punks nec… or rather, ask the little angels what they’ve been saying about the program and to whom.

“Concerned members of the community have been writing, as I understand it” he replied. “Mayor Klein alone said she had been receiving…”

“Waitaminute…” Lisa interrupted again. “Gothametropolis Mayor Velma Klein?” she asked in disbelief. “What does she have to do with anything?”

Dr. Mortensen shrugged. “Aside from being a respected member of the community, she’s also a celebrated alumni of the University and has a seat on the Board of Regents.”

“Well” Lisa observed, looking like she just tasted some bad fish. “Isn’t that convenient. Go on.”

“Er… yes… Well, the board has received multiple allegations that Mr. Visionary has repeatedly endangered his students, both actively and through neglect…”

“They’re training to be superheroes! A little endangerment goes with the job… Just wait here, and I’ll have the signed permission slips allowing them to deploy a transnuclear device as a class project. Each of the students had their parents fill them out when they registered for class. Honest.”

“Um… yes… Well, perhaps a bit more troubling is the accusations of… how shall I say this… inappropriate behavior.”

“Well, yeah… but they’re kids… Kids will be kids, especially in a coed environment” Lisa argued casually. “We can’t hose them down 24 hours a day. And anyway, Ms. Bonnington restored Mr. Donarson’s trousers to their proper configuration right after that bus full of nuns turned the corner, I assure you…”

“The accusations are not about the students, but rather about Mr. Visionary.”

Lisa froze. “What… exactly, are the accusations?” she asked carefully.

The Dean tugged at his collar. “I’d really rather not get into it here…”

Her eyes hardened.

“Er, well…” he began, suddenly convinced that he’d much rather get into it here than face the alternative. “They’re of deviant behavior of a frankly disturbing sexual nature. Accusations of everything from the keeping of sex slaves, to, ah… shall we say ‘dating outside of one’s species’. Of course, the ones that are most troubling from the University’s point of view are the suggestions of inappropriate relationships with underage students.”

“What?!” Lisa growled.

“All completely unfounded, I’m sure!” Dr. Mortensen professed, raising his hands protectively in front of himself. “I don’t doubt his innocence for a second. Truly repugnant stuff, these charges… I mean, sex with a machine… it’s insulting. As if the Lair Legion would associate with the kind of person who could do these things. But you have to understand, the University can not afford to be idle while being associated with this kind of scandal. Your Juniors program is endorsed by us as a pilot program… the first of it’s kind. This kind of publicity could be disastrous…”

“Doctor, I think it’s time you were going” Lisa noted, standing up briskly and straightening her jacket. “I do want to thank you for bringing this matter to my attention, and sharing your opinions on it. Don’t worry about finding your way out…” she assured him as she turned to leave, “I’m sure I can set the stunnulators to help herd you to the door.”




Mumphrey sighed. “An internal investigation, followed by a formal hearing before the Board of Regents?” he asked.

“That’s only half of it” Lisa informed him. “He all but told me the press already had the story. And you can bet that if they don’t yet, they soon will.”

“A smear campaign” Flapjack noted, setting down the serving tray next to the two. “And with just enough truth behind it to make the fabricated bits stick.” He nodded to himself as he shuffled off. “CNN’s about to get juicy… I’ll have to set my TiVo.”

“We’ll need a full-time PR agent for this” Lisa noted sadly. “I don’t know if this is part of a larger attack, simple bad timing, or just Klein playing vulture with the situation.”

Mumphrey nodded. “What about the Juniors?”

“The board insisted we keep the program active while Vizh takes a leave of absence from any teaching positions... I don’t trust it at all... They even named who they want as his substitute…”

“Hey Lisa…” CrazySugarFreakBoy! stuck his head into the room from between two large and overfilled bags labeled Manara’s Adult Playland Superstore. “April and I were just about to head back to her place for a little workout session, but I heard you needed to see me about something?”









Next: Dancer introduces some more complications if I didn’t screw her up too badly with anything in this chapter…













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