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Post By Dancer via Visionary Tue Jun 07, 2005 at 06:58:29 pm EDT |
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Visionary and the Heart of Darkness chapter 2: "Because everyone loves parachuting mice" | |
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Visionary: I’m really not sure about this, Shep. It feels a bit... Sarah Shepherdson: Like commitment? All guys get itchy when it involves the C-word. But I wouldn’t try to jump out of the window if I was you. We’re on the third floor above the Bean and Donut here. Vizh: I’m not afraid of commitment dammit. Sarah: That’s what all guys say too. And then they find a sofa and hide behind it with Finny. Vizh: Look, it’s not that I’m not grateful that you’re lending me a couch while the Lair Mansion’s being repaired... Sarah: Who could have foreseen a contractor overrun because they found a pile of Space Ghost’s old socks and had to get the EPA involved? Vizh: But I could have found somewhere. Somehow. Sarah: Oh yeah? And how is that, exactly? I thought you were broke, jobless, and without anything to wear but the clothes on your back? Vizh: I also have a handkerchief, but I lent it to Yo. Sarah: And you have all that memorabilia in storage that Yo rescued from the ruins of your Condo. Amazing how it all survived the inferno because Yo expected it would have. Vizh: Yeah. I’m penniless and destitute but the toaster survived. Sarah: Probably because of all the lead shielding Enty used on it. And you have a Fuzzy Bunnies Bowling Trophy. Vizh: That is a comfort, yes. Sarah: And all your friends are there for you. You could have stayed in Jamie’s fantastic Philippines Mansion. Or Badripoor. Or in Donar’s Emod Sronad in Ausgard. Or at Lisa’s ranch. Vizh: I could have used a lead-shielded toaster at Enty’s place, for sure. Last time Kerry was in Badripoor she kind of blew up the imperial palace. Donar’s is fine if you like early morning Gjarlenwroth Hunts. And quaffing. But Lisa’s ranch, well you don’t go there if you’re down to your last set of pants. Really. Sarah: Besides, you need to keep living in this country while the Social Services is assessing your suitability to look after Kerry, right? Vizh: I guess. They’re taking Elizabeth Zemo’s complaint far too seriously. Just because the investigator’s car exploded. Sarah: Speaking of spontaneous combustion, have you told Kerry that’s she’s moving back in with her big sister for a while yet? Kerry: No way. No. Way. This is mediaeval. It’s child cruelty. It’s an offence against the Geneva Convention. Vizh: It’s just for a few days, Kerry. While the nice men in the radiation suits clean up Space Ghost’s laundry pile. Kerry: So you stay there. I have a standing offer from the guys at Phi Kappa Beta. Vizh: But the guys at Phi Kappa Beta are going to be unable to make good on their promises, on account of a sudden meteor strike during a heavy lightning storm. In about one phone call’s time from now. Believe me. Kerry: I could stay with FA in California. She has an underlit swimming pool and everything. Vizh: Actually, I have a restraining order on file from the Governors of most States in the Union stopping you entering their territories. Kerry, sighing: Okay. We do the Sarah thing at the Bean and Donut attic of horrors. But no way am I the one to share the bed with charity girl. I mean, who knows what those blankets have seen? Vizh: I don’t think there’s much choice. There’s only two rooms, and one spare couch. Kerry: So you sleep with big sis instead. I’m okay with the sofa for a night or two, and Sarah’s gotta be used to having some guy hogging all the bedclothes by now. Vizh: I don’t think that would be very appropriate, Kerry. Kerry: Ah, don’t worry about your rep. We all know nothing’s going to happen, even if you do share a mattress with my sister. Vizh: What? Why not? Kerry: C’mon. Have you seen you? And besides, you’re not stubbly enough, rude enough, selfish enough, or dangerously psycho enough to be Sarah’s type. Vizh: Hey! I can be stubbly, rude, and selfish! Anyway, I’m not going to share a bed with Sarah. You and she take the bedroom and I’ll have the couch next to the TV with the late-night ball games on it. Kerry: You could have the shower. Vizh, considering it; after all showers aren’t that flammable: Look, could you just co-operate for once? We have the Social Services lady coming to visit us and it’s bad enough I don’t have a job or possessions or a house. Or, y’know, any hope for the future. Kerry: *looks slyly at Vizh* But really we can’t stay with Sarah. After all... what happens when she wants to change to her secret identity as Dancer? Hey, I was able to say it! Yeah! What about that, fakeoid? My big sister is secretly Dancer!! Vizh: Yeah, I know. So she’s nice as waitress Shep and nice as a superheroine. Kerry: You know? How do you know? You don’t ever know stuff! Vizh: She told me. What, she didn’t tell you she told me? Kerry: Grrrrr. Everybody is a spoilsport. Vizh: Just be on your best behaviour at tomorrow’s meeting, okay? I mean, don’t blow Mrs Finstermeyer up while she’s actually talking. Please? Mrs Finstermeyer: Mr Visionary, what are you doing? You just threw my purse out of the window. Visionary: Sorry. It was... a mouse. Yeah, a mouse. That’s it. There was a mouse in your handbag. Not in any way an explosive device. Kerry, innocently: A ticking mouse, sounded like. Mrs Finstermeyer: You have mice in this flat? Sarah Shepherdson: No. Not mice. Just one. One mouse. Yes. It’s, um, it’s a pet. Mrs Finstermeyer: So you threw your pet mouse out of the window. In my handbag. Sarah: No. Well yes, apparently we did. But only because, um... it likes it. The mouse. We’re training it to, to parachute. Kerry: Yeah. Because everyone loves parachuting mice. Vizh: Okay, it wasn’t actually a mouse. It might have been, maybe say, a bomb. Mrs Finstermeyer: A bomb? You have explosives in this flat? Kerry: Define explosives. Sarah: It’s just a precaution, Mrs Finstermayer. Visionary here is a big-name superhero. As seen on the Transworlds Challenge. He saves planets. Mrs Finstermeyer: Him? Kerry: Hard to believe we’re that desperate, isn’t it? Sarah: So when Vizh heard your handbag ticking, he thought that maybe one of his old enemies was attacking. Kerry: Because we always have to be on the look-out for Argy!Yle, Evillest of Socks. Mrs Finstermayer: You’re telling me this man lives a life of constant danger, and is exposing this innocent child to the threat of super-villain terrorism? Kerry: Hey! Who are you calling innocent? Vizh: Er, no. I didn’t actually say that. I was just... overcautious. I had a bad experience once fighting... Handbag Man. That’s it. I was fighting Handbag Man. I had a flashback. Kerry: Way to make up a thoroughly lame excuse, fake-o. Sarah: But really Vizh is the ideal guardian for Kerry. Everybody says so. Mrs Finstermayer: Not everybody. For example, not a former neighbour who says, and I quote, "He does not have the disciplinary capacities of a wet hanky, the intellect of a sponge, or the capability of a used toilet roll." Kerry: Harsh but fair. Vizh: I do too have the capability of a used toilet roll. Er, I mean... Mrs Finstermayer: There’s also the allegation that you are not actually a US citizen at all, but in fact, "A cheap shoddy fake built as a joke to warn society of the hazards of knock-off robot manufacture." Dancer: Vizh is real, dammit. Well, probably. And he has expert testimony to prove it. Mrs Finstermayer: From who? Vizh: Well, there’s Hallie, and Fleabot, and Quoth, and... um... Mrs Finstermayer: I really don’t think I can recommend you as Kerry’s guardian, Mr Visionary. You appear to have no regular income except from some unspecified and supposedly classified 'teaching appointment'. You have no fixed abode, no experience of parenting, and you live a dangerous and irregular lifestyle. Kerry: Hey, wait a minute. I thought this was about the state having to give Vizh somewhere to stay so we didn’t have to camp out at big sis’s? Whatdoya mean Vizh can’t be my guardian?? Mrs Finstermayer: I’m afraid I’m going to have to recommend that Kerry Shepherdson be sent home to Ireland. Sarah: You can’t do that! They’ve devised an entirely new classification of Juvenile Detention Centre specially for her back home if she ever sets foot on Irish territory again! Mrs Finstermayer: Dr Crowe’s programme is proving very successful with troubled young people. Kerry: You can’t deport me! I’m staying! I’ll be good!! Please! Vizh: Look, I’m happy to do whatver it takes to meet your criteria, really. I can get a normal job, find a place to live... Mrs Finstermayer: It’s really not that simple. You aren’t even related to this young girl you’ve been caring for. I checked the original application form from Ms Shepherdson about your eligibility and apparently it said "because he’s a real nice guy, and just dumb enough to do it." I can’t tell you how unlikely it was that the application was ever passed in the first place. Sarah: I can. But you see, Vizh is going to be related to Kerry. Honestly. *grabs Vizh by the arm and snuggles him* We’re getting married! Kerry: I feel faint. Vizh: Me too. We are? Er, yes, we are. Apparently. Um... Kerry: Stop it! I am now in the Twilight Zone! There is no way you two are getting married, even if it will keep me out of Bleak House Home for Institutionally Thrashed Tearaways or whatever. Mrs Finstermayer: I must say it does seem rather sudden, as if it was a convenience to get round deporting this youngster. There does not seem to have been any kind of pre-existing relationship. Dancer: Are you kidding? Vizh was my first time! We go way back. I can swear an affidavit. Kerry: Did I die in a car crash during the opening credits? Is this hell? Vizh: Um, look Mrs Finstermayer, if I can prove Kerry’s in a stable family relationship, with a proper home, and I have a proper regular income... Mrs Finstermayer: That doesn’t come as a handout from one of your rich superhero friends... Vizh: Yeah. If I can do that stuff, can I keep Kerry? Kerry: ....You want to keep me? Really? Mrs Finstermayer: If you can do all of that we'll consider allowing you to have Kerry back. If you can put all that together in one month, the house, the job, the wedding, all of it. For a month we’ll find a suitable place to foster her. Sarah: You have asbestos foster homes? Mrs Finstermayer: You have twenty-eight days. I’ll send someone round to collect Kerry. Now I must go and salvage my handbag. Noise outside: BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!! Kerry: You’ll never take me alive, coppers! Sarah, glancing at Vizh: So... what the hell do we do now? Continued... |