Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancer with a belated birthday present
Wed Oct 26, 2005 at 11:50:57 am EDT
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Lisa L Waltz and the Heart of Darkness #20
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[The Scene: Castle von Zemo, a monstrous carbuncle ruining the landscape of Pierce Heights above Parodiopolis, home of the supervillainous Baroness Elizabeth von Zemo von Lots Of Things. And there’s the supervillain right now, answering the phone.]

Baroness: Blast it, I’m going to flay my phone answering staff. Yes, who is it?

Voice on the other end of the wire: Lisa L Waltz here, CEO of the Save Visionary and Shep Consortium. I’m ringing to accept a donation.

Baroness: A what? Who do you think I am.

Lisa: *tells her* But that’s not important right now. What’s important is the file I have open in front of me.

Baroness: I already gave at the office. Besides, the best thing anybody could do for Visionary is to quietly put him to sleep.

Lisa: And what this file evidences is a chain of manipulation and libel orchestrated by a verminous little man called Roni Y Avis. Mr Avis is currently having a bad day.

Baroness: I’m not contributing to Save the Avis either.

Lisa: I have just interviewed Mr Avis regarding the contents of an exclusive expose in the Daily Trombone revealing a massive conspiracy aimed at my client Mr Visionary. Mr Visionary is paying me a very great amount of money indeed to clear his good name. Well, his relatively average name.

Baroness: Visionary doesn’t have a great deal of money. Or a great deal of anything. Except maybe irritating friends.

Lisa: Exactly. Which is why I’m ringing for a donation from those who want to be helpful. I thought a million dollars from you would be about right, Baroness.

Baroness: Then you need to go smoke some more of whatever it is you’re on. Why should I lift a finger to help the man who destroyed my last home, the former guardian of that public menace Kerry Shepherdson?

Lisa: Because otherwise I’d have to bring Mr Avis’ testimony to court regarding the well-endowed woman who hired him to conduct the smear campaign. A woman who sounds an awful lot like Ms Sally Rezilyant, a.k.a. Silicone Sally, a.k.a. your right hand woman. Liz.

Baroness: I hardly think that’s proof of any involvement from me. Certainly not enough to blackmail me for a million dollars. And don’t call me Liz, Lis.

Lisa: Blackmail is a nasty word. I’d prefer to think of it as a freewill donation towards my client’s legal defences. Otherwise we’ll have to sell the story to the papers to cover costs, and then summons you to appear in court to defend yourself against our damages claim. And then every supervillain you’ve ever cheated will know where and how to find you away from your well-defended castle. In fact even some new and as-yet-unknown supervillains in unfamiliar costumes might turn up to beat the crap out of you. And nobody wants that, do they?

Baroness: You are aware that this conversation is being recorded and can be used as evidence?

Lisa: You are aware that I’ve got Hacker 9 on retainer and your recording computers crashed three seconds into this phone call?

Baroness: You are aware that I have people on retainer myself who could make life very unpleasant for Visionary? I mean even more unpleasant than his life is now?

Lisa: You are aware that Kerry Shepherdson is still loose out there, unaccounted for, and that I’m ruthless enough to tell her who was behind the plot to ruin her guardian and send her to lobotomy camp?

Baroness: ……….

Lisa: A cheque by close of business will be just fine. Oh, and if you ever try to go after my client or his ward again I won’t be ringing up for a donation. I’ll be referring business to my other associate.

Baroness: Little Lisette? Bring her on.

Other Associate: Tis not Lisette of whom the lady speakest, vile villainess. Tis one who wilt be coming to thy house to ensure there ist a reckoning. And I canst do e’en more damage than yon Hellraisers didest last time. I swear it by the frothing foam of Jormundgander, the world slitherer!

Lisa: Well, it’s been lovely to chat, and thank you for your support, Baroness.

Baroness, snarling: Fine. Visionary gets his cheque. And then I’ll make sure that he and you get everything that’s due to you. *cuts the call*

Lisa: There, that’s another little problem solved. Now we just need to deal with the Vizh/Shep marriage to allow Kerry to stay in his care. And there’s no easy way out that one.

Ma Shepherdson: It’ll be lovely to have him in the family. I’m knitting him a sweater.

Lisa: I know that Vizh is specially looking forward to having Karl and Kerry as his new brother and sister.

Ma: If we could only find Kerry. Or Karl. Or Sarah. Or Visionary.

Asil, rushing in. And we have to find them quickly! Xander’s worked out what’s about to happen. We have to find them fast or it’s the end of the world!

Ma: It can’t be the end of the world. We’ve already booked the reception.

To be continued… by Visionary! Yay!!




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