[The Scene: The Hatman Roast, as
Kerry Shepherdson takes the microphone]
Kerry: Hat-guy, I just want to say, even though most people are all about how
much you’re this square boring dorcus with no life, at least Fashion Accessory
wants to jump your bones.
Fashion Accessory, from the crowd: Oh my G…
Harlagaz: Nay, tis verily sooth. I hast seen yon scribing on the cover of yon
schoolbooks.
Hacker Nine: Also it’s right there in the private section of you e-journals.
Glory: He would make a good mate. You would have strong puppies.
Ham-Boy, looking sour: Hat Man? He just wears hats. I have pretend-meat on my
head.
FA: I’m not coming out from under this table until the dinner’s over and
everybody’s gone. Or perhaps ever.
Kerry: But FA, that’s not Hatty’s table.
Harlagaz: Methinks yon fair Samantha should not have told yon spiffy that Kerry
was still missing him. My lady Kerry seems slightly irked.
Kerry, finishing her speech: Anyway, all I’m saying Hatty is just hold on a few
weeks longer and FA’ll be completely legal. Don’t listen to what everybody’s
saying about you never dating again. And have a good night. If you want a really
good night go and sit at that table FA’s hiding under.
{And at Vizh’s table…]
Hallie: Kerry seems so much kinder and gentler after her recent misadventures.
Vizh: That is the kinder gentler Kerry. She didn’t set fire to FA’s hair,
did she?
Asil: I thought those two were best friends. So why is Kerry treating her so
badly?
Vizh: Because they’re best friends? I dunno. It’s not like I can understand what
happens on Planet Woman. *looks round at Hallie, Asil, Lisa, Yo-Woman etc.* Um,
I mean, because it’s far above my meagre male level of comprehension and stuff.
Yeah.
Sarah Shepherdson, arriving just in time to save Vizh’s life with a tray of
canapés: Hey guys, how’s it going? And do you want in on Trickshot’s book on
what minute of the evening Hatty goes completely insane and turns on the crowd
with a machine gun?
Vizh: Sarah? You’re working here tonight? That explains why Dan…
Sarah: Why Dancer recommended Mr Papadapopolis’ catering service. Yes. We’re
doing all the catering except for that huge plot-point significant fancy cake
they’re bringing on stage at the end of the evening to celebrate Jay’s life and
achievements. But more of that in later episodes written by other people.
Yo: Is cake? Yo is liking cake. Has icing bunnies?
Sarah: Little icing hats, actually. These Auto-Censor Bakery guys do good work,
whoever they are.
Vizh: It doesn’t seem fair that you have to work tonight, Sarah. You could be
enjoying yourself being mean to Hatty instead.
Sarah: Well, I had to choose between being mean to Hatty and buying new shoes. I
can be mean to Hatty anytime. So enjoy the buffet.
Sarah, hving another thought: Oh, and maybe avoid the coleslaw. I’m not sure all
of Messenger’s dry-heaving was that dry.
Asil: Good tip.
[Sarah heads over to the table where Hatman is being flanked by CSFB! and Nats…
just in case he snaps and goes Messenger at the torment]
Sarah: Hey Jay, bearing up?
Hatman: Explain again why I’m sitting through this?
Nats: Maybe you were Adolf Hitler in a past life. *thinks more* That would
explain the mania about fastening everything together with paper clips.
Sarah: Isn’t it because the $360 plate fee goes to charity to help rebuild
Hell’s Bathroom?
Nats: Plate fee? $360? *slips under table* Fashion Accessory? What are you doing
under here?
April Apple: Ooh, that kind of dinner party? Excuse me. *slips under table next
to CSFB!*
Hatman: That does it. I’m going to sit next to Mumphrey. Um, where is he?
Sarah: He’s sitting at that table where Lisa was sitting a couple of minutes
ago. Smiling.
Hatman: Can we all get back to insulting me. And also can I get a fresh table?
Uhuna: Hey, where’s Nats?
Sarah: He’s under the table with Fashion Accessory and April.
Uhuna: *Dives under table wrathfully*
Sarah: Well, my work here is done. I need to go over and intervene before
Kerry’s diatribe about the inadequacy of the table candles becomes a practical
demonstration. Have a nice Roast, Hatty.
[Table collapses]
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