Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement
Mon Dec 12, 2005 at 06:40:54 am EST
Subject
The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #30: Now With Added Low-Calorie Moral Quandaries For Healthier Teeth and Gums
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The Story So Far: Morbido the Magnificent - leader of the terrorist the Botherhood of Evil Mutates - has sent his daughter Pricilla DuBois - the hex-witch Vermillion Vex - to manipulate her twin brother Josh (our hero) Clement - De Brown Streak – into leaving the Lair Legion – the Parodyverse’s greatest heroes, sadly – and joining the Botherhood as a wanted fugitive. And that’s worked.

But now Morbido has sent Josh to kidnap of kill Visionary – a hapless possibly fake founding Legionnaire – who is dating Pricilla, not realising that she is an undercover – and on top of the covers, on the wardrobe, and in the Jacuzzi, and that one time hidden under the breakfast table in the Lair Kitchen – agent for the Botherhood, before Vizh works out that Pricilla is secretly the Vex, and to prepare the way for her luring the Legion to their dooms in an inescapable death trap TM.

If you really want to catch up, there’s an almost up-to-date archive right there at De Brown Streak’s Run. Maybe even up to date if Ian has added the new version I sent him.

And now on with the new stuff:

The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #30: Now With Added Low-Calorie Moral Quandaries For Healthier Teeth and Gums


Officer Alabama: “Okay, turn of the engine and step out of the car. And keep your hands where I can see them.”

Visionary: “Huh? I don’t understand, officer. What have I done wrong? Have I a tail light out?” The possibly-fake man looks at his newly pimped-up Pinto of Doom.

Officer: “Oh no. You’re tail light’s working just fine, perp. Every time you brake it flashes up a read sign that says DIE PIGS DIE!”

Pricilla DuBois: “That is so cool.”

Vizh: “Er, I didn’t know that. It’s just… I’m extremely anxious… about the vegetarian movement… unhealthy lack of protein in our children’s diet…”

Officer Alabama: “Against the car and spread ‘em.”

Pricilla: “Hey, that’s my line! And aren’t you supposed to handcuff the guy first?”

Vizh: “Do you mind? This is getting intimate enough as it is.”

Pricilla: “Nice night stick.”

Officer Alabama: “And what’s this in your pocket?”

Vizh: “It’s my robot flea.”

Fleabot: “Die, pigs, die!” He hops away.

Vizh: “Oh, thank you so much. Look officer, I didn’t mean any offence. You see my car got… upgraded recently. Against my will. Do I look like a tigerskin seats kind of guy?”

Pricilla: “Or the kind of man who’d score with a hot chick like me, for that matter?”

Officer Alabama: “So he’s your john, is that it? And what’s this thing on the dashboard marked ‘Cocaine Dispenser’?”

Pricilla: “Windshield wiper control. And the RPG in the door pocket is fake too. Really. I checked.”

Vizh: “If you’d just reach into my other pocket there’s this Lair Legion ID card that will explain why you shouldn’t be arresting me.”

Officer Alabama: “Shut up you coke-pushing whore-mongering cop-killer. I’ve got a good mind to beat the crap out of you right here and now!”

Fleabot: “Hey, watch it! Visionary has bled on experts.”

Pricilla: “Well, this has been fun but we’re late for the movie so now I’m afraid you’re about to have a really crappy day.” The Vermillion Vex prepares to hex the police officer into oblivion.

And then Visionary disappears. Just like that. One minute he’s there, the next he’s gone.

Officer Alabama: “Hey, where’s he gone?”

Pricilla: “Vizh? How did you do that? Vizh?”

Fleabot: “Vizh?”

And three states away…

Visionary: “Wait. What?”

De Brown Streak: “Hey Vizh, how’s it hanging?”

Vizh: “Well, it was hanging a bit worriedly a minute ago before you rescued me. But now we need to get back and save your sister. And the Pinto of Doom. It’ll hang a lot better after that. Whatever it is.”

DBS: “Pricilla can take care of herself. Really. And, um, I didn’t exactly rescue you.”

Vizh: “Don’t be so modest. I don’t think Officer Alabama liked seeing a white guy driving around in a pink Pinto with a black girl. And he might have been allergic to synthetic tigerskin. I know I am. Things could have turned nasty.”

DBS: “Yeah. But now I want you to think back to the ending of last issue, and the major plot development that happened there.”

Vizh: “You… quit the Lair Legion and joined the Botherhood of Evil Mutates.” Visionary looks around and spots the unmistakable signs of a villains hideout – the Hatman dartboard, the modified Dancer poster, the death ray cabinet, the big white swivel chair. “Hey, I got one of those for the lighthouse. From Peter von Doom’s collection. I haven’t dared try the buttons yet.”

DBS: “Yes, the Blofeld Swivelmax 3000 was a classic. Dad really likes it. He says it’s good for his lower back.”

“Dad as in… Morbido the Magnificent, the world’s foremost mutate terrorist.”

“Yes, that dad. Which is why this wasn’t actually a rescue. Sorry Vizh, but I was ordered to capture you so we could lure the Legion into a death trap then take over the planet. You know how it is.”

“You’re a baddie now? That doesn’t seem like very consistent characterisation.”

“I prefer to think of myself as having been rejected by the superhero community, cast aside by my sexy but fickle and treacherous girlfriend, and outlawed by an unfeeling and intolerant society. And basically dad won’t let me borrow the car to go cruising unless I help him conquer the world and stuff.”

Visionary looks at Josh. Josh doesn’t seem very happy. “You don’t seem very happy. And there’s no reason you should turn evil just to please your dad. I mean, Pricilla is your twin sister and you don’t see here committing crimes and doing wicked deeds, do you?”

DBS: “No. because usually when she does that stuff she’s in her Vermillion Vex costume, dimwit!”

Vizh: “Heh. Yeah, she sure fills out that cost… er, I mean, her Halloween outfit was very tasteful and… Not that I noticed her form-fitting crimson body stocking.”

DBS: “Try to follow me here, Vizh. I warned you about seeing my sister…”

Vizh: “Hey, its okay. I’m a brother now too so I understand those protective urges. You probably want to beat me up and kick me out of the lighthouse along with the rest of the whole damn football team. Er, that is…”

DBS puts a shushing finger on Vizh’s lips. “I warned you about seeing my sister because she’s very dangerous. The reason she’s got a Vermillion Vex costume is because she is the Vermillion Vex. She’s part of the Botherhood, and she’s using you to get inside information on the LL. And also to annoy dad, apparently, since he ordered me to, y’know, kill you.”

Vizh: “Capture or kill. I’m sure he said capture as well.”

Vizh, thinks more: “And hey! What do you mean Pricilla is the Vermillion Vex? We’d all have made that connection long before if it was true. It’s not like she’s able to protect her identity like Dancer does by twisting…” Vizh stares at the wall. “Oh crap.”

“Yeah. Crap indeed. Sorry man. You’ve been set up. I’ve been set up. And now we’ve doomed the Lair Legion and doomed the planet.”

Vizh: “This started out as such a nice afternoon.”

DBS: “See, even now Pricilla will be telling Mumph about you vanishing, with Fleabot as a witness. And later she’ll help the LL find and rescue you.”

Vizh: “That’s a relief. So she does like me after all.”

“She’ll lead the Legion into a big honking trap!” De Brown Streak shouts. “The team will all get destroyed, and then nobody can stop Morbido from triggering his Genebomb TM, which will turn all non-mutates into mindless obedient slaves and bring about the triumph of homo peculiaris. Then it’s game over, Morbido rules the world!”

Vizh: “Oh. Well then, we’d better stop them. If you could just show me the way to the secret control room where the self-destruct button is…?”

DBS: “One problem.” He points to the Botherhood of Evil Mutates standing behind Visionary.

Vizh: “Er, hi.”

And 24 hours later:

“Lair Legion, attend me well! This is Morbido the Magnificent broadcasting my ultimatum on every TV channel across America. Except Fox. And the Cookery Channel. No point interrupting the good recipes. But I’m definitely broadcasting on the rest.”

“The Botherhood of Evil Mutates has captured the Legionnaire known as Visionary. He is now out helpless prisoner, being fed only on cheap junk food bought at the local Dunkin’ Donuts. And unless the Lair Legion arranges the release of all captive mutates everywhere, he will die!”

“But not quickly. Oh no. After our deadline is up, every hour we will Fed Ex one small body part to the Lair Legion. I have already decided which bits to start with, since this lecherous swine has dared date my precious unsullied daughter. Who’s snickering back there? Is that you, Jumbuck? Do you want your body parts Fed Exing too? Well, do you?”

“Where was I? Oh yes. Unsullied daughter. So, that’s the deal. Release all mutate prisoners by midnight tomorrow, or receive your fake man back in kit form.”

Muffled sound from off-camera: “I’m real dammit.”

To be continued…






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