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Josh Clement via HH
Thu Dec 08, 2005 at 10:15:09 am EST
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #29: Now With Added Angst and Betrayal
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #29: Now With Added Angst and Betrayal


Uhuna, Josh’s kind of ex-girlfriend: “Defected? Josh has joined the Botherhood of Evil Mutates?”

Pricilla DuBois, Josh’s twin sister and secretly the hex-wielding Vermillion Vex: “What can I say? We’re all terribly shocked. I can only assume my poor brother felt he had no reason to stay around in the Lair Legion.”

Uhuna: “You mean… me? Because of what I did?”

Pricilla: “Who knows? If you’re lucky Josh wasn’t at all hurt that you rejected and betrayed him. He might just have been using you for cheap easy sex, so what you did doesn’t matter at all.”

Uhuna: “……….”

Pricilla lays an almost comforting hand on the stricken Abhuman sex-princess. “Maybe it’s just your lot in life to be abandoned by the people you care about? I mean Nats traded you in for a better model, didn’t he? I hear that Fatale can be a hot date. Ask Hallie.”

Uhuna looks distressed and wipes back a tear. “But what’s going to happen to Josh now? I mean, won’t everybody be trying to kill him again? And what will happen if he refuses to become as bad as all those mutate terrorists he’s gone to join? What if they hurt him? And who’s going to heal his friction sores?”

Pricilla: “I don’t think you should blame yourself entirely for driving him to a life of evil. You can blame Sir Mumphrey Wilton, and Hatman, and Epitome, and the other Legionnaires as well if you like.”

Uhuna shudders. “This… this is going to send a terrible message to the mutate community about peaceful co-operation, isn’t it? Couldn’t you use your influence as a mutate rights worker?”

Pricilla: “Oh, I promise you I will be doing…”

And in a hidden base at a location that must remain classified…

De Brown Streak: “So let me get this straight. You guys are the world’s foremost mutate liberation force and you still can’t get dates for Saturday night?”

Kismet puts down her knitting and stares at Josh Clement (which is quite a feat for a blind old lady) “Wanted by the whole planet, forced to join his long-lost archvillain father in a crusade against all he formerly held dear, and this is his number one concern?”

DBS: “Hey, I stick to what I know.”

The Jumbuck: “It’s not that we can’t get dates. It’s just that we… train, and stuff. Lots of training.” He flexes to show his muscles, but manages to reveal the rather large sweat stain under his hairy armpit.

The Slob: “I’d buy a girl dinner, if they weren’t all so into this cult of appearances. But it’s always ‘I don’t date anybody who weighs over three tons’ and that.”

Obo the Indestructible: “No point dating anyhow when you have an impenetrable force field that you can’t switch off. And don’t get me talking about bathroom breaks.”

DBS: “Really, I won’t.”

Turbulence looks up from his Confederate Times. “Ah could take y’all with me when ah go line dancing. Of course, ah’ve been banned from most clubs cause of the earthquakes an’ stuff, but ah swear there was a lady in cowboy boots givin’ me th’eye that time in Tulsa just before ah accidentally blew the roof off’n the hall.”

DBS: “Wow. And I thought the Legion were a bunch of prime losers. Even Trickshot gets more than you guys do.”

The Wailer: “Trickshot? Waaaaaaahhhhh!!!!”

Flame-O smiles at the newbie and sips his Pink Lady. “If you need someone to show you round and be with you for a night out, Josh, I’d be happy to help you settle in. And I have a big bottle of muscle relaxant back in my quarters if…”

DBS: “Best not to go that way, Flamey, as a sock in the teeth often offends. Look, I’m just recovering from a heartbreak, okay. And also from accidentally quitting the LL and joining a band of lame supervillains.” He considers his life. “I needs lots of mindless sex and I need it now, but really I was hoping for something with two X chromosomes. Or maybe 16 X chromosomes in all would be good.”

The Slug: “I could paralyse somebody cute for you with my narcotic hallucigenic sucker cups.”

DBS: “Only if you feel the need for a prolonged hospital stay. Did being gelded by Dancer teach you nothing?”

The Slug: “Well, Flamo-O’s started looking better to me.”

Flame-O: “Eew.”

Miragemind: “Remember that one time I used my illusion powers to make a pig look like Halle Berry and the Jumbuck…?”

The Jumbuck, quickly: “We’re helping Clement fit in just now. No time for silly old stories with no relevance.”

Obo: “Yeah, but if you’re the best there is at what you do and the best you do is date porkers…”

The Jumbuck: “Be glad you’re indestructible, kid, cause I swear one of these days…”

The Slob: “You’ll mistake him for Halle Berry?”

DBS, thoughtfully: “You know, I’m pretty sure I could be at Halle Berry’s house in under three minutes from here.”

Fatale stalks into the HQ. “You’d be caught by the mutate detectors they’ve got tuned to your frequency all over the country. The minute you leave this base unshielded they’ll be onto you with every Sentinoid they’ve got.” She smiles unpleasantly at Josh. “Seems as if one of your former team-mates took your genetic profile and passed it to the Office for Paranormal Security so if you went rogue they’d be able to plug it into their detention satellite grid and find you instantly.”

DBS, grinding his teeth: “I wonder who that was.”

The Jumbuck: “Bet that porker’s starting to sound pretty good right now, boy.”

Kismet: “It gets better, Josh. Your father’s about to call you to give you your first mission.”

Morbido the Magnificent: “Josh, come here. I have your first mission for you.”

And back at the Lair Mansion:

Visionary: “That’s enough. She’s already told you what you want to know!”

General Rott: “She’s the daughter of the leader of the mutate terrorist movement. She’s the sister of the most wanted mutate on the planet. She can’t hide behind you forever, Lair Legion man.”

Pricilla: “Actually, given his cruller intake these days, it’s getting easier and easier to hide behind him.”

Vizh: “Hey! I’m trying to help you here!”

Pricilla, wearing her white Sharon Stone dress and sitting facing her interrogators: “I don’t need help, Vizhikins. I’ve already told the General that I had no idea who my true father was. I was adopted into the DuBois family as a baby. I was told my parents had died in a freak dental accident.”

Hallie, suspiciously: “Then how did you know that Josh was your brother, Ms DuBois? Damn, I’m getting glitching on my transmitter array subsystems again! I thought I fixed that. Be right back!”

Pricilla: “I realised Josh was my brother when I saw him holding Lania hostage on that TV show. But then I had to go out to buy milk and I never did hear how that one turned out.”

Rott: “You just recognised him?”

Pricilla: “He set my twin-sense tingling, okay? Then later he tried to hit on me so I knew he must be my brother.”

Rott: “…………”

Mr Epitome steps forward. “Tell us everything you can about him, Ms DuBois. After all, now that he’s gone rogue and almost killed Herbert Garrick, it’s up to this Lair Legion to bring him in.”

Trickshot: “To thank him?”

And back with Josh:

DBS: “You owe me twenty-four birthday presents.”

Morbido the Magnificent: “What?”

DBS: “Birthday presents. And where were you when I was worried about the hairs I was sprouting?”

Morbido: “Hairs?”

DBS: “If Mrs Baxtermeyer my piano teacher hadn’t been so helpful to a growing boy I’d have been very worried.”

Morbido: “Mrs Baxtermayer?” This isn’t the conversation he’d been expecting with his long-lost son. “Don’t you want to challenge me on my radical agenda to enslave humankind and raise homo mutatis to become the supreme rulers of the planet?”

DBS: “Nah. I’m no good at debating games. I thought I’d probably just wait until you went over the line then kick the crap out of you. After the birthday presents.”

Morbido: “Do not tempt my wrath, child. Even though you are my only son, there are limits to my patience.” To prove it he does one of those supervillain poses.

DBS: “Do I get an allowance?”

Morbido: “No, you do not get an allowance. Look, I’m your father. Deal with it. Now act like my true son and heir and get with my programme of world conquest, will you? It’s not like you have anything to lose.”

DBS: “Well, it’s true that the world hates and fears me. And has dialled me into their international mutate elimination systems, apparently. I feel so wanted.”

Morbido: “Soon the world will tremble at your name.”

DBS grins reminiscently: “Lots of people do already. Well, melt anyhow.”

Morbido: “The time is coming when we will rise up and crush all opposition, and your intimate knowledge of the Lair Legion will help us triumph.”

DBS: “Well, I really only got intimate knowledge of Lisa and Uhuna, but that wasn’t for want of trying. And as I said to Amber, it’s very important to explore all the alternatives before…”

Morbido: “To. Crush. Them. And the first step is to capture the one member who might guess that we have planted an agent amongst them, who might realise that your sister is actually… the Vermillion Vex!”

DBS: “I thought she was hexing things so nobody could find out who she was? Kind of like Dancer does only more evil.”

Morbido: “Perhaps. But We will take no risks. Joshua, your first mission for the Botherhood will be… to capture or kill the Legionnaire known only as Visionary!”

DBS: “Oh, we have plenty of other names for Vizh, I assure you.”

Continued…




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