Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement
Tue Oct 25, 2005 at 10:27:59 am EDT
Subject
The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #26, now with added flying neo-spiffy hell-lord mystery guest star
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ACT 1

It’s a huge red bed covered in crimson sheets in a red room. There’s a red theme. Outside the window the winds of desolation howl across the desert of despair. It’s not a good neighbourhood.

But you can’t fault the company, at least not aesthetically, because who’s that sleek raven-haired temptress curled up on those red sheets if not the demoness Regret? And look, Nats is about to notice her:

Nats: “Gaah!!”

Regret: “And good morning to you too, master.”

Nats: “Regret, what have I told you about creeping into my bed?”

Regret: “I’m still awaiting details instructions, but if you’d care to sketch a few diagrams and make up and equipment list…”

Nats: “I mean I’ve made it clear that we’re not having a… a creeping into my bed relationship.”

Regret: “You want to do it outside? Have you seen the weather?”

Nats: “I don’t want to do it. Whatever the weather. Well, I do want to do it but I’m not going to. And I’m not your master.”

Regret: “But by ancient law you are the ruler of this infernal realm. And I’m a poor damned soul in your domain, subject to your every whim and torment. What other definition of master is there?”

Nats: “You know it’s not like that. Anyhow, this domain hasn’t got any damned souls in torment any more.”

Regret: “Do you need me to find you some? I can make a few calls.”

Nats, who has had this conversation quite a bit before: “Look, I accidentally became a demon lord, right, and got a bit of prime infernal real estate. That doesn’t mean I’m going to buy into the whole tormenting-the-damned gig and start getting into the gritty underside of theology. And it doesn’t make you part of my bedroom furniture.”

Regret: “You appointed me mistress of your realm. It’s right there in the job title.”

Nats: “I saved you from your former master, Sage Grimpenghast, by taking you in, that’s all. I gave you a job.”

Regret: “And I’m trying to do it. But you won’t give me the equipment list.”

Nats: “Look, things are a bit… tricky here right now. I’ve got nine calls on my answering machine from Mephistophiles alone. And who knew how expensive brimstone is?”

Regret: “If we took a few damned souls in it would sure help balance the books.”

Nats: “No. I told you, no damned souls, and no creeping into my bed. It’s creepy.”

Regret looks hurt. “Creepy?”

Nats: “Okay, well sexy actually. But I’m not going to be tempted. Well I am going to be tempted, obviously, given your immense hotness, but I’m not giving in to temptation. I’m going to find a way out of this mess. I’m going to find a way of getting rid of these powers that doesn’t involve a major abyssal fiend using them to ransack Earth. And then I’m going home to Uhuna.”

Regret: “Immense hotness. Really?”

Nats, tearing his eyes away. “To Uhuna, dammit.”

Regret, darkly: “I see.” Then she flashes him a bright smile. “Well, if that’s what you want, you’re the master. Although I could so look like Uhuna if that’s what you’re into.”

Nats: “I love Uhuna. I must have broken her heart when I had to leave her at the altar, the poor kid. But I couldn’t let her suffer this torment in hell with me.”

Regret: “The torment of the red silk sheets.”

Nats: “You know what I mean. And how nasty it could turn given a change of writer. But one day I’ll be free to go back to her, to make things right. We’ll live happily ever after.”

Regret smiles. “How nice. But until then, do you think you could just sleep with me occasionally please? For professional reasons.”

Nats: “I’m not going to sleep with you. And you don’t have to sleep with me. You’re safe here.”

Regret: “I’m much safer as a hell-lord’s concubine. It gets me much more respect, not to mention the ability to cut in line in the queue for brimstone. And it stops… other beings from taking an interest in me that way.” She looks vulnerable and frightened. “Couldn’t you just abuse me a tiny bit? Please?”

Nats: “No. But… look, if it’s going to make you safer and stuff, I guess you could sleep in here occasionally. And I mean sleep, nothing else. What these other beings assume is up to them, okay?”

Regret: “It’s a start. By the way, if you’re serious about this no damned souls rule then I should warn you we have a couple of stray souls have slipped into the realm unannounced. Do you want me to get them out?”

Nats: “Sure. Like I said, we’re keeping this realm shut down. Whatever Mephistophiles thinks. And whatever they’re printing about me in the Infernal Gazette.”

Regret: “What did you think of my centrefold in that by the way? Or do you only read it for the articles? Anyhow, you can leave these strays to me, master.” She breathes deep. “I promise to take very, very good care of them.”

----------

It’s the interval. Grab the snacks. Go to the bathroom.

----------

ACT 2

It’s still a huge red bed covered in crimson in a red room. We have a limited set budget, after all. And again Nats wakes up with a woman in his bed.

Nats: “Gaah!”

Uhuna: “Bill? Bill!”

Nats: “Dammit, Regret, I told you not to impersonate Uhuna. It’s bad enough you have to sleep in my bed anyway in all your immense hotness.”

Uhuna: “Regret? You’re sleeping with Regret? And she’s immensely hot?”

Nats: “You know what we agreed. And you’re not getting that equipment list, no matter how much you beg for it.”

Uhuna: “When you ditched me at the alter you said it was to save the Earth. Now I find that you’ve been shacking up with some red-skinned floozie!”

Nats: “Coffee-skinned floozie. The red skinned comments last issue were a continuity error. Or an opportunity for a no-prize I guess. But you’d know that if you were Regret. Which means…”

Uhuna: “Bill? It’s me.”

Nats: “Uhuna!” He goes to hug her then scrabbles back doubtfully. “Er, you don’t happen to be able to recite the Lord’s Prayer do you?”

Uhuna: “Bill, what are you talking about. I’m so confused. One minute I was at a picnic, and then…”

Nats uses his demon-lord powers to check Uhuna’s soul. It’s her. It’s really her. “You! It’s really you!”

Uhuna: “Get away from me, you deceiving horrible jilter. Do you know how much wedding cake went to waste because of what you did? Do you?”

Nats: “Uhuna, it’s not like you think. We were victims of a diabolical infernal plot. Or maybe a Xander plot. Or it could have had something to do with the Hooded Hood, I suppose. I never wanted to leave you. Just to save you from this.”

Uhuna: “From being naked in your bed?”

Nats: “From being in hell. How did you get here?”

Uhuna: “It was a very traumatic picnic. But Bill, I have to tell you…”

Nats: “It doesn’t matter, Uhuna. Not now. Nothing matters now you’re back with me! I thought I could live without you, do the noble thing… but now you’re here I couldn’t part with you again!”

Uhuna; “Even though you’re sleeping with Regret? And apparently she does a pretty good Uhuna impression.”

Nats: “It’s not like that. You’re the one I love, Uhuna. Only, always you. Don’t make me do another musical to prove it!”

Uhuna: “Oh Bill! Is it true? You love me?”

Nats: “You know it’s true. And to prove it, let’s do the cutaway scene of waves crashing on the beach and trains racing into railway tunnels and stuff.”

Uhuna: “Oh Bill… You can’t… You mustn’t… I have to tell you… I’m not… Oh… Ohhh… Oh yes, cue the train and railway tunnel cutaway!”

There is a crashing of waves on the beach and a train racing into a railway tunnel. There’s possibly a champagne cork popping and a kettle boiling over as well.

Nats, afterwards: “Aaaahhhh. So what was it you were trying to tell me?”

Uhuna: “Um…”

Regret: “Oh, hello Uhuna. Master, I’ve worked out who the two stray souls are that slipped into the kingdom. I see you’ve already started punishing one of them.”

Nats: “Uhuna? Uhuna is a damned soul?”

Regret: “No. It seems she just had a very bad picnic. Her and her lover.”

Nats: “But I wasn’t even at the picnic. Hell’s no picnic.”

Regret: “Not you, master. Her other lover. The new one.”

Uhuna: “Bill, I was trying to tell you before the train analogy got us…”

De Brown Streak blurs into the room, scattering bits of demon guard as he goes: “Okay, infernal spawn of the pit, let go of the girl before I rip off your… Nats?”

Uhuna: “Josh?”

Nats, catching on, jaw dropping: “Josh?”

Josh, seeing the rumpled red bed: “Uhuna?”

Regret, smirking: “Uhuna.”

Nats, turning to the princess: “Uhuna?”

Uhuna, looking miserable: “Bill…”

Regret: “Cubby. Annette. M-I-C-K-E-Y!” She gestures and De Brown Streak and Uhuna vanish in coils of smoke.

Nats: “Uhuna!”

Regret: “Relax, master. I did what you said. I got rid of the stray souls. It took a while for the enchantments to work, but it got them back to Earth in the end, safe and sound.”

Nats: “But Uhuna was here! With me. Here!”

Regret: “Yes. Who knew when I set your orders in motion and had the hags cast their soul-relocation-spells that you’d be exiling your unfaithful little sex princess?”

Nats: “Unfaithful? Her and Clement?”

Regret: “I have the whole thing on video if you’re interested. Maybe you and Uhuna can watch the tapes and laugh about it when all this is over and you’re living happily ever after?”

Nats: “I had to go to hell and she jumps straight into bed with that mutate lothario? They’re an item now?”

Regret: “Well, after DBS found his girlfriend in bed with her ex there might be a re-evaluation. But sure. Clement and Uhuna were happy little love-bunnies for a while there. The Legion were running out of fire extinguishers to douse them down.”

Nats: “Uhuna…”

Regret: “Don’t start that came-calling-out bit again, please!”

Nats looks so miserable that Regret has to stop being bitchy and give him a hug. “I’m sorry, Bill. Hell sucks. Life sucks. I suck. And I know I’m no Uhuna. But I’m here for you… if you need me.”

And she holds him close and comforts him, there on the red bed with the crimson sheets, in the red room. In hell.

Contined…


And two quick thank you notes, to Nats who filled me in on where he wants the Nats in Hell thing to go, and to HH who long ago sketched out a possible way to stick the knife in further, which I’ve gleefully used above. Nice to know that even while he’s gone, HH can still find ways of tormenting Nats and the rest of us.




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