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Josh Clement
Wed Sep 21, 2005 at 02:50:02 pm EDT
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #23: Now With Added Guest-Villainy From… the Hooded Hood!
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #23: Now With Added Guest-Villainy From… the Hooded Hood!


De Brown Streak: “Okay. Can we talk? I have a problem.”

Yuki Shiro puts down the case files she’s leafing through and looks at Josh Clement with a kind of stary frown. “Only one? Let me get my list and check.”

DBS winces. “You’re pissed with me too because I’m seeing Uhuna?”

Yuki Shiro: “Not pissed. Disappointed. She’s just getting over a really bad break up and you’re exploiting her loneliness and vulnerability.”

DBS winces more. “What about my loneliness and vulnerability?”

Yuki: “What about them? Why should you be lonely, Mr Dated Half of Parodiopolis?”

DBS: “Statistically it’s less than .1%. Just. I’m working on it. But I might have all kinds of issues going on.”

Yuki puts her hands on her hips. “Like not being able to handle your twin sister dating Visionary?”

“I can totally handle that. Just not him… handling her.”

Yuki: “So another problem you have is you don’t know what a double standard is?”

DBS: “It’s not that. Well, not totally that. I think they’d be… bad for each other. I warned Vizh.”

Yuki: “Yes, I heard that Hatman had to drag you out of Vizh’s room when he heard the screaming.”

DBS: “I was just trying to save Vizh’s life, that’s all.”

Yuki: “By pulling him down from the wall where’s he’d somehow gotten pinned?”

DBS: ….

And meanwhile, over at Herringcarp Asylum:

Morbido the Magnificent, supreme leader of the Botherhood of Evil Mutates and future ruler of a world where homo sapiens are a broken slave race under the hell of their rightful mutate masters: “Can we talk? I have a problem.”

The Hooded Hood: “Well, I warned you against that helmet. Premature baldness is a natural consequence of…

Morbido: “Not about the helmet. There is nothing wrong with the helmet. The helmet shows that I am above homo sapiens fashion. Have you not read all the recent debate about why mutates wear distinctive outfits to show they are superior to mere humans?”

The Hood: “Are you trying to prove or disprove the argument?”

Morbido: “Look, I’m trying to talk about a serious problem here. Parenting issues. You’re a father too. You should know what I’m talking about.”

The Hood looks kind of moody and shadowy. He’s a great villain, he really doesn’t have to do much but stand there and brood.

Morbido, just a bit irritated that he’s having to do all the work: “You have a son and a daughter as well. And your daughter’s of dating age also.”

“Indeed. But you will notice that I have arranged for my daughter Troia to be queen of an island in another dimension where no men are allowed to set foot. Just saying.”

Morbido considers this: “I was thinking I’d just annihilate any man who came near Pricilla. And probably his whole family.”

The Hooded Hood: “Visionary counts the Lair Legion as his family. They do not annihilate easily. And there is a waiting list. “

Morbido: “Visionary? Who said anything about Visionary? What have you heard?”

And back with Josh and Yuki…

DBS: “Everybody hates me.”

Yuki: “We don’t hate you. Well, not everybody. We just think that maybe you’re a bit…”

DBS: “Too sexy for my own good?”

Yuki: “…Dumb.”

De Brown Streak thinks about this. “Okay, I can live with that, too. But I think I’ve kind of blown it with the Lair Legion. Ever since they heard that I was with Uhuna, they’re all totally freaked.”

Yuki shrugs. “Well, Nats was their friend back when you were just a quirky guest star causing trouble. And you have kind of stolen his girl.”

Josh shakes his head. “I never told him to jilt Uhuna at the altar and go off with some hot red-skinned demon wench to become Prince of Fibs in the infernal deeps. If he’d asked me I’d have told him not to. I’d have said have a fling with the hot red-skinned infernal wench then do right by Uhuna.”

Yuki: “You should be a marriage guidance counsellor. Really.”

DBS: “That’s the best job offer I’ve got all year.” He means it too. The only other offer he’s got is to go join Morbido in the Botherhood of Evil Mutatates and help wipe out humankind. And a lot of humankind has made it into his little black book.

Yuki: “So we can add failing to recognise sarcasm to your list of problems.”

DBS: “Thing is, I didn’t really want to be in the Lair Legion anyway. It completely messed up my life, wrecked my rep in the mutate community, dropped me into all kinds of murky moral messes that it’s really hard to do funny stories about, but…”

Yuki: “But?”

DBS: “But for some reason it kind of gets to you. Saving the world. Fighting the bad guys. Being the team. Even if I don’t get a cut of the merchandising.”

Yuki: “And you think you’re gonna get booted?”

DBS: “Hello? Team with Hatman on it? And Epitome. They’ve already made their views quite clear. I think Epitome was looking for a bowling ball.”

And at Herringcarp again:

“So what you’re saying,” suggests the Hood, “is that although you have sworn to wipe all human life off the planet, having first dragged them into a mire of pain and slavery to pay them back for oppressing your people and denying them their natural genetic heritage, and although I am a mere baseline homo sapiens on the list of enemies who must be ground into the dust on your inevitable road to triumph, you still want to discuss active parenting with me?”

Morbido: “Yes. Kind of. Yes.”

The Hood: “You’re not happy that your daughter is dating a possibly fake man.”

Morbido: “Of course not. That means he’s possibly real. And if he’s real, then she’s dating a human. A dimgene. I mean it’s bad enough that my son is betraying his genetic heritage with those wanton homo sapiens he’s always chasing, but what if Pricilla… I mean, what if it goes past the holding hands stage?”

The Hood: “The holding hands stage? That’s what she’s telling you, is it?”

Morbido: “Oh, they’re not at the holding hands stage yet. But I can tell she’s considering it. Visionary is getting a manicure in readiness. I overheard them talking about it when I bugged her phone.”

The Hood: “A manicure?”

Morbido: “Yes. They were discussing him getting a hand job.”

The Hood: “Noted.”

And yet again, with Yuki and DBS:

Yuki: “Hatman and Epitome told you off? What did they say? And feel free to include all the juicy words.”

DBS: “Hatman said he was disgusted that I would betray a team-mate by seducing his girlfriend the minute he was unable to be present, and that I should be ashamed of myself for exploiting the situation and the person.”

Yuki: “And you said?”

DBS: “I said Whitney thought he was dead back then. Then I ran away really fast.”

Yuki: “And still he’s not supporting you in the Legion. Amazing.”

DBS: “That was sarcasm, right? Epitome said I was a lawless scum with no regard for other people, self-centred and arrogant and due for a fall.”

“So he felt pretty strongly about you dating Uhuna too?”

“Thinking back, I don’t think he mentioned Uhuna. Just that I was a lawless scum with no regard for other people, self-centred and arrogant and due for a fall.”

“But there must be other Legionnaires supporting you. What about Dancer or Yo?”

DBS confesses: “Dancer said that all men were slime and that I was living proof if I let Uhuna down after I’d messed with her for my own selfish pleasures. And then she confiscated my chocolate biscuits.”

Yuki: “That is serious. And Yo?”

DBS: “Yo said that I was being to be wickedy because now Yo could not be to be reconciling cute Uhuna and cute-but-confused Nats but instead Nats would be to be driven deeper into being of evil demon lording who would be to be coming back and trying to be destroying of us all. Or words to that effect.”

Yuki: “Yo has a point. Nats isn’t going to love you if he still has any feelings left for his sex princess.”

“Nats can take a number.” Josh shudders. “The Shoggoth said my relationship was precipitous, and then he looked like he was about to suck my head off.”

Yuki: “The Shoggoth always looks as if he’s going to suck your head off.”

DBS: “Oh, well that makes it so much better then. Lisa just threatened me with Donar if I did anything bad to Uhuna. Said I'd be right on his list with gjalenwolves, frosting giants, and people who diss Xena. Al B. Harper said there was all kinds of technology around now to take down velocity-manipulating adversaries. The Librarian said that adulterous exploitation of vulnerable women was a key theme in tragic literature, and then he date-stamped my hand.”

Yuki: “CrazySugarFreakBoy!?”

DBS: “Nats’ best man? What do you think? He says he thought I was Hermes in the Lair Pantheon but now I might be Loki. There was a whole bunch of stuff about Norman Osborn and Gwen Stacy too, but by that point he was frothing at the mouth and I couldn’t really understand him.”

Yuki: “Trickshot? What about Trickshot?”

DBS: “He didn’t say anything.”

“Well that’s good then. I mean, he’s usually the outspoken on, which is why I keep having to hurl him out of windows. If he’s not having a go…”

“He just tried to shoot me with his arrows.” Josh rubs his temples. “Those sonic boom arrows can really give you a headache.”

And changing scene again:

“I just retconned my unsuitable son,” the Hood explains. “I can really recommend it. Of course, that leaves a massive subplot untold so far, but I expect there’ll be a 30-part epic to fill in the details sooner or later.”

Morbido: “I am actively plotting to bring Josh to my side, that we might reign in glory over the ashes of the human world. I’m thinking of offering him a bigger allowance.”

The Hooded Hood: “And his new girlfriend? Does an Abhuman sex-princess meet your criteria for genetic purity? Please do not froth on the carpet, Morbido. I’ve just retconned it clean from the Baroness’ argument with the Lynchpin over the gateaux tray.”

“That bioengineered freak must die!” Morbido screeches. “Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!”

“So not 100% parental approval,” the Hood notes. “Still, if Uhunalura died tragically it would help to alienate Joshua from his team-mates and drive him to your side.”

Mordido considers this: “I like it. I like it a lot. And if I get Pricilla to kill her then leak it to Visionary who did it, that might drive a wedge between them before they get to the hand job.”

The Hood: “Er, yes. But assuming the Vermillion Vex is reluctant to endanger her new, um, partner in dexterity, you may prefer to dial this cellphone number.”

Morbido checks the number: “666-1776-9338? What kind of prefix code is that?”

“Hell,” answers the Cowled Crime Czar. “That’s the pager of the demoness temptress Regret. It’s probably time to talk to her about complicating the plot and reintroducing Nats to the series.”

Morbido: “Wow. You may be a mere homo sapiens but you’re an absolutely complete bastard!”

The Hood preens.

And back with DBS one last time before we can move on to the To be Continued bit…

Yuki: “What about Uhuna? How does she feel about all this?”

DBS sighs. “Honestly, I think she still misses Nats. I think I’m a distraction. And I think… maybe everybody’s right about me. I was supposed to be her friend, and instead I’ve made things more complicated.”

Yuki: “See, there’s hope for you yet. So now…”

DBS: “Also, she feels that we aren’t getting enough variety in our sex life and so now I’ve got to buy skis.”

Yuki: “…..”

That’s not the end of Josh’s list of difficulties though. “And then there’s Sir Mumphrey.”

Yuki: “You have to buy skis for him?”

DBS: “He’s scowling at me. I mean more than usual. I think I might have been promoted from oik to bounder. Maybe even blaggard.”

Yuki: “There’s a sliding scale?”

DBS: “Apparently. Anyway, I’m certainly a cad, if not a rotter. So like I said, I think I might have blown my time with the LL.”

Yuki decides it’s time to cut to the conclusion. “So what are you going to do then?”

DBS: “I don’t know. If I leave, will Uhuna come with me? Should she? Where would we go? What should I do? I… The only job offer I actually have isn’t the sort of thing I could take Uhuna along with me. And it’s not strictly legal. Or moral. Or, y’know, free from human rights violations.”

Yuki: “Sounds interesting. Go on.”

DBS: “Uh-uh. No detecting me, Yuki. All I’m saying is things aren’t going too well. And now we’re facing the greatest menace in the history of the Legion, and I…”

Yuki: “Whoa! Back up, Brownie. Greatest menace? The Hellraisers are back? The Parody Master’s attacking? The Hooded Hood’s come for tea? What?”

DBS: “A week Saturday. The Lair Picnic! Dancer and Yo have organised it, and we all have to go on pain of getting stared at later.”

Yuki: “You’re worried about the Lair Picnic?”

DBS: “Everybody gets to bring a date. So either I take Uhuna and everybody hates me, or I don’t take her and everybody hates me. See a theme here?”

Yuki: “I wonder who I should take? I wonder if Al’s taking ‘Amy’ with him? Or Miss Frigidlicker?”

DBS: “Hello? My problem time here? You can have subplots in your own series. And you can bet Vizh is going to bring Pricilla, and that’s going to make things ten times worse. Fifty times if she’s in one of her moods.”

Yuki: “Yes, I can see that. It looks like the next episode could be a very difficult chapter indeed.

To be continued…






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