Tales of the Parodyverse

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Josh Clement says you have to read this one becuase it ties in with Untold Tales and has loads of input from the Hooded Hood
Sun Aug 14, 2005 at 08:03:53 am EDT
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The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak and Uhuna: Now With Added Abhuman Sex-Princess
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This story follows after Untold Tales #228, the Wedding of Nats and Uhuna, and has spoilers for that story. Thanks to HH for his input to this chapter. He did the good bits, of course.

___

It’s two in the morning, and De Brown Streak can’t sleep. So he’s sitting watching the fishes swim round in the Lair Aquarium, trying to work out why Al B. Harper is so excited about the blue ones.

Uhunalura, Princess of the Abhumans: “Josh? What are you doing here?”

DBS, guiltily: “Uhuna! I wasn’t watching the blue fish. I’m not Al B.”

Uhuna looks around the big aquarium room. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been in here before.”

DBS: “It’s part of the Alien Zoo. Some people say the Lair Mansion doesn’t have one, and when they go looking for it it’s not there. But I like to come here and think.”

Uhuna: “It’s nice. I like those blue fish.”

DBS: “I guess you would. So, couldn’t you sleep?”

The pretty redhead girl looks like she’s going to burst into tears. “I’m not used to sleeping on my own. I keep reaching over for… I keep reaching over, and nobody’s there.”

DBS: “For Nats?” Okay, so Josh Clement’s not that great on tact. He’s a lover not a social worker.

Uhuna: “Yes, for Nats. For Bill. But Bill is gone. Bill decided that he didn’t want an equal partnership where we faced good and bad together whatever came, but that he would unilaterally make a decision for both of us about him being better able to deal with going to rule a plane of hell alone than we could together. That Nats.”

DBS: “Ah. Right. Yes, the Nats I probably shouldn’t have mentioned, now I come to review the way the conversation has gone.” He thinks. “Would it help if I dipped my head in the fish tank in penance? Because I will if it helps.”

Uhuna’s scowl softens. “That won’t be necessary, Josh. Not this time.”

DBS: “Good. Because I think those blue fish might be carnivorous.”

The princess realises that it’s odd that De Brown Streak is down here at two in the morning. “Do you come here often, Josh? To think?”

“Only when I’m confused.”

“So all the time?”

DBS smiled ruefully. “I have some stuff on my mind. Nothing like being jilted at the altar by a proto-demon lord who shall not be named. Just stuff.”

“Like what?”

DBS: “Hey, I don’t need healing, Uhuna. It’s not like I’m one of your patients. My life’s not suddenly become a morass of confusing moral uncertainties and painful secrets leading to a nightmare existence of conflicting loyalties or anything.”

Uhuna: “Uh-huh. You just like Al’s fish.”

DBS: “No. I just… I’m not sure who I am, that’s all.”

Uhuna: “We could do a basic genetic scan. In fact I can probably determine if you’re human just by touching you and using the diagnostic aspect of my health transference powers.”

DBS: “No, that’s okay. Here outside the Abhuman refuge we sometimes use figures of speech. What I mean is I don’t know who I’m supposed to be. The kind of person. Am I a mutate freedom fighter, or a hero of the Lair Legion, or a free-spirited lover, or a loyal family member, or a rebel iconoclast or what?”

Uhuna: “Can’t you be all of them? Or a little bit of each?”

“What if I had a guilty secret?” Josh asks her. “What if there was something I hadn’t told the LL?”

“We all have guilty secrets, Josh. Like the time I borrowed Lisa’s…”

“I mean, a guilty family secret,” Josh says hurriedly.

Uhuna: “Like the time Suresnout sat on Brown Blot’s best tuning fork and bent it out of shape? Or when he went number twos is Karkus’ ceremonial helmet and Karkus didn’t notice until it was too late. And we all blamed Toadton.”

“Kind of not at all like that. You see, the truth is, I have a…”

“Twin sister?” Uhuna guessed. “Yeah, word gets round quite fast. Apparently she was in bed with Visionary.”

“She was not in bed with Visionary. She just got lost looking for my room and tripped in the dark and snagged her clothing and toppling onto Vizh’s bed. He explained it all to me afterwards. And then I let him down from the wall, and didn’t rip his privates off.”

Uhuna: “Right. But we all know your secret about your sister.”

But they don’t know that Josh now knows she’s the mutate terrorist the Vermillion Vex, or that his father is Morbido the Magnificent, leader of the Botherhood of Evil Mutates, or that he’s expected to join them in their plans to crush mankind. “But… Pricilla is family, and she doesn’t approve of what I do.”

Uhuna: “My family don’t approve of what I do, either. In fact they threw me out of the Great Relief, and when they thought I was dead they sent word that as far as they were concerned I could be tossed into a ditch to rot.”

DBS: “Ack! I’m able to put my foot in it at superspeed as well, aren’t I? Is it the fishtank for sure this time? Those blue Alfish are looking hungry.”

Uhuna even cracks a little smile: “You can live. What I’m saying is, you can’t let your family decide what you should do with your life, no matter how much you love them.” She thinks a bit more about this. “Mind you, look at how my life’s worked out, so you might want to just ignore everything I’m saying.”

DBS: “Your life’s… Well, I know things can’t be so good for you right now. I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive and stuff after the wedding disaster, but really I don’t know how to relate to girls who are all upset. I usually just kiss them until they feel better and then we go to bed. I’m not sure how to cope with situations where that’s not applicable.”

“Like with your sister.”

Josh shivers. “Oh sure. Absolutely. I’m in therapy about going to try and chat her up before I knew who she was. Eew.”

Uhuna looks up at him with those big, green eyes. “What about me, then, Josh? Why don’t you kiss me until I feel better and then take me to bed?”

DBS finds he has an Abhuman sex-princess in his arms. “Er…”

Uhuna: “Don’t you want to take me to bed, Josh?”

DBS: “Yes. I can answer that one with 100% certainty and accuracy. I most definitely do want to take you to bed, Uhuna.”

Uhuna: “Well then…”

DBS: “But, the thing is, you see, and I’m going to absolutely hate myself in the morning for saying this, but I don’t think it would be right to go to bed with you. I don’t think you’re thinking very straight. I think you’re all upset about he-who-shall-not-be-named…”

Uhuna: “Lord Voldemort?”

DBS: “I was thinking about your ex fiancée, but whatever’s got you so upset… You’re not thinking straight. You’re lonely and miserable, and your first instinct is…”

Uhuna: “To have hot, steamy, no-inhibitions rampant sex in remorseless abandon for hours on end, until we’re both quivering wrecks of spent passion, broken by ecstasy after a carnal coupling fit for legend?”

DBS, in a stained voice: “Yes. That’s your first instinct. What you said.”

Uhuna, pressing closer: “And so?”

DBS: “But then, after… after the quivering wreck part – which sounds very very nice, by the way – but after that, how would you feel?”

Uhuna: “Sore? In need of breakfast?”

DBS: “I was thinking maybe guilty. And cheap. And you wouldn’t like yourself very much, or the guy who’d taken advantage of you. And really, Uhuna, you’re too wonderful and beautiful a person to do that to yourself, or for me to let you do it. Oh, and by the way, I really want to die now. I think I’m going into the tank.”

Uhuna: “Don’t jump, Josh. You have so much to live for.”

DBS: “Yeah, but I can’t have it, because it would be wrong.”

Uhuna wipes a tear as it trickles down her cheek. “I’m all alone now, Josh. My family disowned me, and B-bill left me, and this outside world is so cold and strange. I’m confused. I’m afraid. What’s going to happen to me? What will I become?”

Josh gives her a comforting hug so she can cry on his shoulder. “We can watch the fish for a while, okay? And then we’ll get through tonight. Then tomorrow. And each day it’ll get a little bit better, okay. And I’ll hug you until you feel better?”

“It’s okay to hug then?”

“Sure. But, uh, maybe you don’t hug that bit? I’m only human.”

Uhuna: “Well then, there’s your answer to who you are, Josh Clement. Sometimes it’s no bad thing to be only human.”

And they embrace and watch the fish. Not just the blue fish, either.



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