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J. Jonah Jerkson
Wed Dec 08, 2004 at 11:29:09 pm EST
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The Baroness, Part 14. Hatman and CSFB! encounter Baroness Zemo (after some more schtick, of course)
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The Baroness, Part 14
Hatman and CSFB! encounter Baroness Zemo (after some more schtick, of course)

“Whatever gave you the idea to take me out to that place?” Elizabeth Zemo complained to her real estate agent as they drove away from the castle in the Guernsey Morass.

“I’m surprised you feel that way. It had everything on your list of things you wanted, right down to the hot tub,” Brandi replied.

“And everything it had was full of mold, crumbling or suitable only for dwarves,” Elizabeth riposted. “I told you I was willing to spend over a million, Brandi. For that kind of money, you should be showing me places in Pierce Heights that aren’t underwater at high tide.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll like the next place better,” Brandi chirped. “It’s in Pierce Heights – 123 Mockingbird Lane.”

. . . .

His Excellency, Baron Ottokar Attila Kublai Tamerlane Zemo von Saxe-Lurkburg-Schreckhausen, had had a sleepless night. Not that that made any difference to his perpetually crabbed disposition. A careful observer, though, would have noted just the hint of a smile as he saw the Extraordinary Endeavour Enterprises delivery van pull up behind the fire truck parked in front of Visionary’s condo next door.

A man in a black and orange outfit walked up to the door, followed by a large transparent container floating in air behind him. “I have a delivery for Miss Elizabeth Dewdrop,” he announced. “Biological materials.”

“I’ll sign for it,” the ghost volunteered.

“And you are?”

“Her grandfather. Elizabeth asked me to stay here while she ran some errands.”

“Well, it seems to be all right,” Nats replied. “Just sign here, and write down that you’re her grandfather.” He presented Baron Otto a clipboard with a bill of lading to sign. Otto did so, and continued.

“Thank you, Herr Nats.”

“No problem.”

. . . .

“That place wouldn’t have been too bad,” Elizabeth whined, “but when that nutcase who was dressed like a vampire started ranting about how no one would ever move his coffin, that was too much. I told you, Brandi, I need quick occupancy.”

“Don’t worry, the next place is right around the corner. It has a certain antique charm. The family has a European background and has the most marvelous collection of unusual bric-a-brac.”

“Brandi,” Elizabeth complained a few minutes later, “this house needs painting also.”

“Just on the outside. Let me ring the bell.” A deep foghorn sounded. Moments later, the tall, black door squeaked open, and a seven-foot tall butler clad in black and white and sporting hair as white as his shirt answered.

“You rang?” the butler growled in a voice low enough to shake the leaves from the nearby bushes.

“I’m Brandi Alexender, Lurch, with a possible buyer for the house,” the real estate agent piped up.

“Uhh hhh hhh,” groaned Lurch, and motioned them in.

“Welcome, welcome,” a dapper, black-mustached man who looked like an escapee from a 1940’s Carmen Miranda musical set in Cuba exclaimed. I’m Gomez Addams, and welcome to our humble abode.”

A lion roared right behind Elizabeth, who jumped a foot into the air and barely regained her footing. “It’s Kitty Cat. She likes you,” the owner smiled.

“Brandi, I want out of here, now.”

. . . .

Elizabeth burst through the front door of her condo and threw her jacket on the nearest chair. As it happened, Baron Otto was sitting in it.

“Child, how dare you employ me as a coat rack. Apologize at once.”

“Sorry, sorry, Grandfather Baron Zemo, sir,” Elizabeth snapped back. “The morning was a total waste, I still don’t have a decent castle, and I’m late for my run. And where the hell is Sally? Doesn’t she even bother to phone if she’s late?”

“You need not worry about Miss Rezilyant’s impudence. She is right here.”

“I don’t see her. Have you turned her into some kind of ghost, too?”

“No, my dear granddaughter, just observe that flask near the fireplace.” He motioned toward a transparent plastic bottle about the size of a water cooler flask, filled with an oily transparent liquid. With another motion, he caused the top to fly off and the bottle to topple to the floor. As Elizabeth watched, the liquid poured to the floor, but did not spread.

“What’s . . . .”

“Just watch, Elizabeth.”

The liquid oozed toward its center and began to pile upward. In moments the rough outline of a woman appeared, and soon Sally Rezilyant stood before them. She was not the blithe spirit who had boarded the jet to Moscow. This woman was trembling, darting her eyes back and forth as if looking for some horror beyond.

“Miss Rezilyant,” Baron Otto growled. “You have returned to us. Or rather, been returned to us. Do not make it necessary, or even pleasurable, for me to punish you again.” Sally’s only response was a low whine.

“What did you do to her?”

“She lacked respect. Thus, I made some arrangements with the thugs in Moscow to teach her a lesson. Some extra-strong ultraviolet light in one of those garish nightclubs of theirs to liquefy her, followed by two or three hours in a large, vibrating paint mixer. Now she knows what occurs if one treats a Zemo lightly.”

“Dammit, Grandfather, I need her – with all of her wits, not with her mind turned into scrambled eggs.”

“She will recover in plenty of time before the Lair Legion arrives.”

“The communications taps are working?”

“Of course. They are rather busy, so you should only expect Hatman and the Crazy Sugar Freak Boy!”

“Do I have time for a run?”

“Yes, and even time to freshen up.”

“All right. I’ll be back around two.”

“I will have to leave before then.”

“Fine, just make sure Sally’s back in shape – mentally too, and things are ready for our guests.”

“I will be taking the originals of my brother’s papers with me to the castle. You have the copies.”

“Fine. Just have everything ready for those two Legionnaires.”


Elizabeth returned precisely at two and donned an elegant black dress before going in search of Silicone Sally. She found her assistant – now minion – cowering in the kitchen.

“Come on, Sally, you need to get into your uniform,” the Baroness coaxed.

Miss Rezilyant shuddered. “You’re not going to hurt me, are you?”

“Only if you’re bad. Now get into your uniform. I’m expecting the Lair Legion.”

. . . .

“I knew the address was familiar,” Hatman remarked to CSFB! as they landed on the street near Visionary’s condo.

“A baddie living right next door to a hero? Too strange,” answered the Wired Wonder. “Did Visionary call this one in?”

“Nope, this was a request from Dan Drury himself.”

“Can you believe it? Old Iron-ass himself thinks that Miss Elizabeth Dewdrop is really a new Baroness Zemo. Hey, you know, if we get into any kung-fu fighting, we may put a few holes in Vizh’s place. Not that it couldn’t do with a rehab.”

“That’s one reason why we’re going to do this just as a recon mission,” replied Hatman, as he replaced his Jets cap with his old, reliable Steelers gear. “Scope out the neighborhood, get some readings on these gadgets Al B. Harper sent along, and then see if we can get invited in to look around.”

“Jay, you’re not playing to my strengths here. Plodding around taking readings is not what a CrazySugarFreakHero! is all about. Can’t I just break down the door and go in after her?”

“No.”

“Ah, I get it. The Hat doesn’t want to turn the sweet little Miss Dewdrop off. Keep the date potential hot, huh?”

“I am NOT thinking about a date with her. Now take a bounce over her house and see if this transluminal energy detector can find out something.”

“Aye, aye, cap. Up, up and away!”


Ten minutes later, Hatman and CSFB! rejoined to compare notes. Neither had found anything remotely suspicious.

“Well, let’s try the direct approach,” Hatman decided and motioned CSFB! toward the townhouse’s door.

“That’s the only way, mon frere. Gotta be direct with the shy ones, you know.”

Surprisingly, Elizabeth Zemo answered the door almost immediately after the ring.

“Miss Dewdrop?” Hatman asked in a polite, but firm voice.

“I am.”

“I’m Hatman, of the Lair Legion, and this is my colleague CrazySugarFreakBoy! We’d like to ask you a few questions. May we come in?”

“I’ve been expecting you. Come in.”

As the heroes entered the house, Hatman was confronted by a young woman with bubblegum pink skin and transparent, long hair. She was wearing an outfit seen only at fine restaurants and cabarets, and she immediately took Jay’s hand. “Hi, I’m Sally the Hatcheck Girl, and I’m here to take your hats.”

“But, but, but, you can’t take my hats. I need them.”

“Not in here you don’t,” simpered Sally. “It wouldn’t be orderly. Now give me your hats, and I’ll give you your check. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait here.”

Hatman was paralyzed. As a representative of Serious Order, he was unable to defy Hatcheck Girl’s request; yet he dared not relinquish his Hatility Belt. “I’ll give you the one I’m wearing; the others don’t count,” he temporized.

”Not good enough,” Sally twittered, reaching for the Hatility Belt with one arm while stretching her other rubbery one toward his Steelers cap. Before he knew it, Sally had both. Realizing he had stumbled into a trap, Hatman, sans hats, called for CSFB! “Hey, I need some help here, fast!”

As the Wired Wonder whirled around to help his comrade, Elizabeth Zemo lifted what appeared to be a very large SuperSoaker watergun and pointed it at CSFB!
“Not so fast,” she chuckled, spraying it on the Bounding Boy as he headed back toward Hatman.

CSFB!, ignoring Elizabeth, rushed to Hatman’s aid, but only got a step or two before he collapsed on the floor, giggling. A sharp odor of alcohol arose from his body. “Floshman’s Hyperconcentrated Yeast solution,” Elizabeth Zemo smirked. “Converts sugar to grain alcohol almost instantly. No sugar, no freak powers. Just an overaged drunk.”

CSFB! blearily raised his head to argue. “I’m not, uh, drunk. Just a lil’ dizzy, thass all. Come on, try me. I dare ya!” He got to one knee before collapsing again as Elizabeth played another spray of liquid yeast on the suddenly inebriated hero.

Hatman was in no better shape. Although he still possessed his normal strength and reflexes, Sally had chucked his equipment into a nearby closet and was now giving him a full body bear hug with both of her rubbery arms. As he struggled, she kept adding body mass to her arms, thinning her body but enwrapping him more and more.

Elizabeth strode into the hallway and addressed both her guests. “I would hardly expect two of the Lair Legion to go visiting Beth Dewdrop. So I will answer your questions for you.

“First, I am the heiress to Baron Heinrich Zemo’s empire. Second, I am now the Baroness Elizabeth Zemo von Saxe-Lurkburg-Schreckhausen, and third, I will achieve the position that is rightfully mine – Empress of Earth. I am prepared to defeat the entire Lair Legion, if I must. My little traps for you today are only a mild taste of what I can inflict on you and your companions if you attempt to interfere with me.

“I do not believe in needless violence, so I will send you both back to the Lair Mansion unharmed. Your hats, Herr Hatman, will be sent with you in a sealed steel case that will unlock when you arrive at the Mansion. Do not call on me again unless you are prepared to be destroyed.”

“You realize that we will never rest until you are defeated and locked up,” Hatman replied.

“Thass right,” came a groaning voice from the floor. “Tell ‘er, Hat. Hic!”

“Of course. How else is the game to be played? Helmut!” Elizabeth motioned toward a nearby door, through which four beefy goons entered. “Take these gentlemen to the limousine I ordered, and return them to the Lair Mansion. Don’t forget the hatbox.”

As Sally unwound herself from the hapless Hatman, he attempted a swing at Helmut. The thug merely grabbed his arm, twisted it behind Hatman’s back, and frog-marched him out the door. Two more grabbed the limp CSFB!, ostentatiously wrinkling their noses at the alcoholic odor, and dragged him after Helmut and Hatman. The last scooped up Jay’s cap and Hatility Belt, dropped them in the metal case, locked it, and left.

“Shall I clean up, madam?” Sally asked.

“Of course, Sally. Nice job with Hatman, there.”

“Thank you, Your Excellency.”

Elizabeth strolled back through the house into a small, cozy den, and turned on the television news.

“And we’re here in Downtown Parodiopolis at the Blockbusted video rental store, where a major confrontation seems to be brewing between two sets of supervillains,” burbled the TV reporter.

“That’s De Brown Streak!” Elizabeth realized, watching a brown-clad blur forcing beef jerky down the muzzle of a Canine-American. “And who’s that floozy with him in the bird outfit?” She continued watching the live coverage for several minutes, noting the clear attraction between DBS and the pigeon-woman, until they and Mr. Epitome vanished from the scene.

“How dare he!” Elizabeth began stalking around the room in a rage. “Acts like such a gentleman, and then turns around and goes out for videos with some alien with feathers on her body and feathers in her head. How dare he betray a Zemo!” After fulminating for a few more minutes, she flips through a rolodex and dialed a number.

“This is Elizabeth Zemo, with a message for the Huntmaster. I have a new quarry for you; how are you at capturing birds? . . . .”

Playing the part of Baroness Elizabeth Zemo von Saxe-Lurkburg-Schreckhausen:

J. Jonah Jerkson
VOICE OF THE PEOPLE


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