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spiffy #6- To Lead a Lair Legion, part two!.. finally. Sunday, 19-Dec-1999 19:46:37
spiffy #6- To Lead a Lair Legion, part two “What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?” spiffy chanted rhytmically, rocking slowly back and forth. His fingers were wrapped tightly around the edge of the seat in front of him, and Banjooooo was eyeing his whitened knuckles nervously. His fern writhed around him in a panicked frenzy as spiffy’s widened eyes stared unblinkingly out the window. “Uh... spiff?” Banjooooo offered finally. “We’re okay... Donar and Enty caught the LairJet and they’re flying us downtown.” The ferned wonder moved his gaze to his friend’s concerned face, and his grip became slightly less tight. “We’re okay?” he asked weakly. “Uh huh,” Banjooooo nodded emphatically, gently prying spiffy’s index finger from the back of his chair. Then there was a massive explosion, the sound of tearing metal, and the cockpit suddenly wasn’t there anymore. A loud snap was heard as the seat’s frame finally gave way. “Oh my God...” Cheryl closed her eyes and lay her head on the couch’s armrest. “What?” Tina asked, walking in the door and sitting down next to her. “Look,” Cheryl pointed at the television screen in front of them. The telepath’s eyes narrowed. It showed nothing but Bob’s Discount Tire Warehouse. “What?” she repeated. “They crashed the LairJet in his roof,” Cheryl moaned. “And I just wrapped up his last lawsuit.” “Which one was that?” “Rampaging Rhubarb.” “Oooh...” Tina winced. “I wouldn’t worry about it, though,” she assured her friend. “He wouldn’t try to sue twice in a...” At that moment, a loud voice came through the hole in Bob’s roof. “I’m gonna sue you Lair folk for all you’ve got!” Cheryl’s head dropped back to the armrest. Tina patted her shoulder encouragingly. Nancy Daniel appeared on the screen. “That was the scene several minutes ago, after the Lair Legion’s jet was fired upon by the city’s latest threat- Proctology.” She expertly ignored the sniggers in the background. “The heroes have yet to engage... oh... I’m receiving an update, the Lair Legion has arrived on the scene. Over to you, Ken.” The scene shifted to Parody Square. “Thank you, Nancy. No battle has yet broken out, presumably in protection of the hostages. And... wait... Swingy is stepping forward. He seems to be addressing the Lair Legion.” The camera rotated over to reveal the sinister swinger. “Lair Legion! You now face the wrath of...” he paused reluctantly before spitting out, “... Proctology!” Pudu Lad received a very nasty look. “I advise you to surrender or face the consequences!” Pudu Lad, Mr. Ed, the man in the business suit, and the Living Statement moved in behind him while Star-fish lay gasping on the cement. The camera moved to the right, where Lisa, Fin Fang Foom, Banjooooo, Starseed, Space Ghost, Hatman, Yo, Donar, NTU-150, CrazySugarFreakBoy!, Goldeneyed, and Visionary all seemed to be staring expectantly at spiffy. The ferned wonder looked around helplessly. Cheryl moaned again and covered her face with a pillow. The twelve heroes walked reluctantly forwards in preparation to follow spiffy’s order to “stop looking at me and beat the living crap out of them,” leaving their temporary leader to face the main villain, as was traditional. “So... Swingy, was it?” spiffy asked, groping desperately for the proper pre-fight banter. “Uh... what’s your motivation, again?” “Respect,” the villain answered conversationally. “That’s all I’m looking for.” Finishing his sentence, he grabbed a conveniently-placed vine and jumped off the ground, its arc carrying him towards spiffy. “And... you thought taking a bunch of tourists hostage would do that?” The ferned wonder shook his head in disappointment, taking a step to the left. Swingy flew harmlessly past him. “No... I thought that defeating the almighty Lair Legion would be a start, though,” the villain grunted, landing several meters past his target. “Oh.” Something suddenly occured to spiffy. “What’re your powers, anyway?” Swingy’s mouth curled into a particularly nasty grin. “I control plants.” “This is seeming to not being of fairness,” Yo noted, frowning. “He is being one, we are being four.” “So let’s get this over with, I’m missing Days of our Lives,” Visionary muttered. The pair, accompanied by NTU-150 and Goldeneyed, were eyeing the Living Statement, who stood awkardly in front of them, mumbling the word “breathe” over and over. They just watched for about thirty seconds. “He just keeps talking!” Goldeneyed said, a note of disbelief in his voice. “I’m not picking up any kind of sonic attack,” NTU scanned the charts flowing rapidly before his eyes. “No radiation, not even any kind of knockout gas.” “Is uncute-kidnapper of people going to do anything?” Yo finally asked. No response. S/he leaned forwards and poked the Statement on the arm. The repetitous “breathe” was briefly interrupted by “look” as he glanced down at the thought being’s finger, then a short flurry of “breathe” came as he tried to catch up. “Want me to like... teleport him somewhere?” Goldeneyed asked dubiously. “I... guess you could send him to the Lair’s holding cells, if you want...” NTU replied slowly. Goldeneyed shrugged and raised his hands to teleport the hapless villain. Then, suddenly, the Living Statement sucked in a lungful of air and held it for a few seconds, pausing the stream of “breathe’s”. Then, just as suddenly, he expelled it, uttering two words at the same time before starting to breathe again. “Mind control.” Goldeneyed and Visionary suddenly stopped dead and their eyes glazed over. They turned to face NTU and Yo, and started to move threateningly forward. “Yes!” Yo nodded in approval. “Uncute villain is getting the shoulder of it!” “Sorry about this, guys…” NTU said grimly, powering up his repulsors. Setting them carefully on ‘stun’, he fired. Both blasts went harmlessly through Goldeneyed’s newly-formed portal. “Hm…” the inventor pondered as Visionary leapt at him. “Ah… shouldst I smite him?” Donar asked, staring down at Pudu Lad with a puzzled expression. The latter was happily kicking the Ausgardian’s ankles. Hatman shrugged. “We’d probably get sued for violence against minors,” he considered. “I smiteth spiffy at each given chance!” Donar objected, absently shaking his leg to try and dislodge the underage villain. “Yeah, but spiffy’s never thought of suing you.” “Ah, point taken,” the demigod conceded. “So what shouldst we do?” “Um…” Hatman’s eyes flickered from Pudu Lad, who was busily gnawing Donar’s boot, to his hatility belt. There was no juvenile psychologist or babysitter hat. “I… don’t know.” Shrugging, he grabbed his Winnipeg Jets hat and snatched Pudu Lad, soaring high into the air. “Be he defeated yet?” Donar called after him. “Um…” there was a pause before he shouted. “I don’t think so… he’s still squirming!” Then a different, higher voice screamed “Feel the power of the Pudu!!” and Hatman came plummeting back to earth, impacting on the street. His opponent came down about two seconds later, softly landing in a dumpster. “Ooowwww…” Hatman groaned. “You’re next, God-boy!” Pudu Lad chirped. Donar’s eyes narrowed. “I shall smite him now,” he said decisively. He stood perfectly still as Pudu Lad sprinted towards him, finally bouncing off the Ausgardian’s muscular legs. The villain woozily stood up. Donar grinned, and smote him. There was a small explosion, and as the smoke cleared, there were six small deer glaring at the celebrating demigod. “Bambi?” Hatman grinned sleepily. “Get up!” CrazySugarFreakBoy! enthused. “Get up get up get up! We can’t fight you if you don’t get up! We’ll fight, we’ll beat you, you’ll go to jail! It’ll be cool! Get up!” “Y’know, he may be on to something here…” Lisa considered, eyeing the prone Star-Fish. “If he doesn’t fight, he can’t be defeated.” Starseed nodded slowly. “The unbeatable foe.” Star-Fish gurgled in appreciation. “You trying to tell us something, boy?” CSFB! leapt from foot to foot excitedly. “Do you need something? Need some water, boy?” Star-Fish nodded weakly, and the caffeineated hero turned to his teammates. “He needs water!” he announced happily and bounded away. “You wanna go get a coffee or something?” Starseed asked after a moment. Then a cascade of water slammed into Star-Fish’s gasping body, with CSFB! surfing on it. “I gave him water! We can fight now! Get u-” He was abruptly cut off as four tentacled arms shot out of the water and wrapped around his colourful body. “Oooh, me next!” Lisa clapped. “G-” Starseed managed before Lisa muffled him with her hand. “You might hit CSFB!” she warned him. “Besides, I think he’s having fun.” A multicoloured fist gave them a thumbs-up before being pulled back into the mass of writhing tentacles. “So what do I do?” the GAH! Master asked. “You were saying something about coffee?” Fin Fang Foom, last of the Makluan, and Banjoooooo, king of sea monkeys, looked way, way, way, way, way, way down to where Space Ghost was hitting on the zombie Mr. Ed and the man in the business suit was clearing his throat for another song. “The confetti at a party, The beaches at Club Med, The confetti in your tuna, He’s the undead Mr. Ed.” “That one didn’t even make sense,” Finny tsk’d disapprovingly. “Do they even have powers?” Banjooooo frowned. “He hash th’ power t’make my knees buckle,” Space Ghost slurred with an arm around Mr. Ed’s shoulders. To his credit, the horse was uneasily edging away. The man in the business suit cleared his throat again. Fin Fang Foom rolled his eyes and unceremoniously punted the man clear across town. The sounds of a PR consultant sobbing could be heard all the way from LL Island. Mr. Ed stared in disbelief at his vanishing singer, then got a decidedly nasty look in his eyes… and started to grow. “Whoa, whoa, size ain’t everything,” Space Ghost cried in alarm as he was hoisted into the air on the back of the now-massive horse. “Hmm…” Finny pondered. “He’s big now.” Five minutes later, everything was tying itself up nicely. Yo decided that the mind-control shouldn’t work on Visionary and Goldeneyed because they were “cute bunny-friends” and they’d promptly joined NTU-150 in making the Living Statement intersperse his “breathe”s with cries of “pain!”. Donar was busily smiting each of the six pudus in turn while Hatman happily talked to the pavement. CrazySugarFreakBoy! was busily tying Star-Fish up in silly string. Starseed and Lisa provided the occasional helpful comment from their café table. Fin Fang Foom and Banjoooooo had discovered that if Mr. Ed was pushed on his side, he had trouble standing up again. As each battle was about to finish with the heroes victorious, however, their leader’s voice rang out. “Drop everything and help me!” spiffy screamed heroically. Every hero present turned to find spiffy’s fern suspending him in a complex web between two lampposts with Swingy proudly examining his handiwork. Donar groaned and slapped his forehead. “Nay, coatrack… thy fern allows thee to smite the enemy, it dost not allow the villain to smite thee!” “Cute-spiffy should probably come down and send uncute-Swingy to jail now,” Yo contributed. “Heroes!” Swingy bellowed. “Hear me! I hold your leader at the very thin line between life and death itself!” “Actually I’m feeling fine… I just can’t move,” spiffy noted. “Surrender to me, or he shall join Satan in the fiery pits of hell!” “Hell, Nebraska. And I didn’t see Satan down there,” the ferned wonder corrected. “He died once and got better…” Starseed considered. “I wonder…” Then a brick struck Swingy in the forehead. He adopted a stunned expression and collapsed in a heap. Everyone turned to stare at Visionary, who was looking slightly guilty. “He was annoying,” the possibly fake man shrugged. “Well, that was anti-climactic,” Lisa settled down on the couch and flipped on the TV. “Hey!” Visionary exclaimed. “It was, honey,” Cheryl said gently. “So I guess I’m not leader anymore, huh?” spiffy asked hopefully. “No,” was the unanimous response. “spiffy!” Troia called before he could cheer. “Message for you! Caveguy says… hooga.” spiffy froze, his breath catching in his throat. “Caveguy found the Bone? Is that what you’re saying?” he demanded. “I… said hooga,” she replied uncertainly. “I’ve gotta go,” he said, and ran out the door. “I’ve failed you, master.” Swingy kneeled on the floor in front of a figure shrouded in darkness. His team hovered nervously in the hallway. There was no reply. “Their forces were too great, their teamwork too well-knit,” Swingy explained. “We put up a fight, but it wasn’t enough.” “No matter, Swingy,” the figure said slowly. “You were never intended to win. You now have fought the Lair Legion, you have their measure. And soon, very soon, when my plans come to fruition… you shall be on the front lines.” NEXT: spiffy on the trail of the Bone, with a special surprise guest-star! spiffy |
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