Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancer does her hello Epitome story
Mon May 31, 2004 at 12:48:08 pm EDT
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Mr Epitome Drinks a Coffee
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[The Scene: Another busy day at the Bean and Donut Coffee Shop is over, and mild-mannered waitress Sarah Shepherdson is turning out the last customers before locking up. Of course, some customers are more difficult to turn out than others.]

Sarah: Excuse me, Mr Epitome? We’re closing up now.

Dominic Clancy, who is supposed to be there undercover in his secret identity of buzz-cut army jock: What? I’m sorry miss, I’m afraid you’re mistaking me for someone else.

Sarah: No, I’m pretty sure I’d recognise that square jaw and frowny forehead anywhere after… er sorry, was this supposed to be a covert operation?

Mr Epitome (for it is he), sighing: Maybe. Sort of. ‘Was’ is the operative word, I suppose.

Sarah, speaking into Mr Epitome’s salt pot: Oops. Sorry Control. Don’t self-destruct him. It was my fault.

Dominic: I was just… reconnoitring.

Sarah: Were you looking for wiretaps? Secret cameras? That kind of thing?

Dominic, straightfaced: Secret cameras? What kind of restaurant is this?

Sarah: It’s the sort where the Lair Legion drop in for coffee, so sometimes the villains try and bug the place to get secret info. Or Flapjack does. But I check the toilets pretty regularly.

Dominic: You… check for cameras.

Sarah: And wiretaps. And tape bugs. In fact I found some earlier today. They’re in the drawer over there if you’d like to take a look at them. I usually pawn them for the Seaman’s Mission, but today’s collection is pretty nice stuff. Maybe your OPS department could use them?

Dominic: Ah… thank you, Ms Shepherdson.

Sarah: No problem. Always happy to help a customer. So how’s the LL thing going?

Dominic: The LL thing? You mean my membership of the Lair Legion?

Sarah: Sure. I figured that you were sitting here brooding into your coffee over something, and because this is an LL hangout I thought maybe it was an LL-brood. Was it?

Dominic: I can’t discuss the Lair Legion with a civilian, Ms Shepherdson.

Sarah: What makes you different then? The rest of them tell me how things are going. Nats fills me in on his delivery missions. Yo keeps me up-to-date on the bunny news. CSFB! talks comics and adventures. Falc brings Lindy down for ice cream. This is dull thud’s sobering-up place of choice. I had Mumphrey in here for his Earl Grey and cream scone just this afternoon.

Dominic, getting interested: And what do they say? About me?

Sarah: Oh, I could'nt tell you. A good waitress listens but never gossips. Except I’d like to add for the record that I’m only doing the waiting thing until my big show-biz break comes along. *picks up the cruet again and says in louder voice* Available for off-Broadway chorus lines and immediate stardom, Control.

Dominic: Isn’t it the barman who listens and never gossips?

Sarah: I’m kind of a low-alcohol listener. Like a priest, only, y’know, not quite as celibate. So c’mon Mr E, tell me how the new gig’s gigging.

Dominic: Just because others breach security protocol…

Sarah: After all we’ve been through together, big fellah? I don’t let just any guy into my bathroom you know. Are you one of those call-you-in-the-morning guys who then forgets all the beautiful things you said the night before?

Dominic: Miss Shepherdson, I advised you to call an attorney because there was a severed finger in your u-bend.

Sarah: And that was very sweet of you. I don’t usually do handcuffs on a first date.

Dominic: When do you do… I mean, it still wouldn’t be appropriate to discuss Lair Legion business with you, Miss…”

Sarah: Sarah. You can call me Sarah. Or Shep, as long as you don’t confuse me with Glory. And I’ll call you Mr Broody, shall I?

Dominic: I don’t think that’s necessary, Miss, er, Sarah. I’m not brooding.

Sarah: Oh, you are, believe me. I am a connoisseur of brood. I’ve seen brooding by the best. Moody sexual-tension stubbly brooding from Messenger. Grim, tragedy-laden borderline-psychotic brooding from Dark Knight. Intense, self-questioning existential poetic brooding from Fin Fang Foom. Even desperate, what-have-I-done-to-deserve-this-possibly-fake-life brooding from Vizh. I know my broods. I am brood-aware.

Dominic: It’s a matter of national security, and therefore I cannot comment.

Sarah: So you may or may not be brooding in the national interest. Check. So can I guess what’s bugging you then? You don’t have to confirm or deny. You just have to sit there as if you’re being interrogated by the KGB wondering how to get out of this awkward social situation, okay?

Dominic: Well… if I can get another Maryland cookie perhaps.

Sarah: Ooh, humour! Call Washington and get them to declare an alert. *hands over cookie* Okay, so I’m guessing you’re at the why-did-I-ever-get-into-this-League stage. Dancer and I, er, we talk a lot, and she’s been where you are now.

Dominic: In this diner eating cookies?

Sarah: Well sure, but also as a newbie in the LL. And let’s face it, they’re a pretty strange bunch. And people actually liked Dancer and wanted her to join.

Dominic: Ouch. You didn’t go to waitressing school the day they did tact then?

Sarah: I missed that day and the one about not groining guys who think it’s okay to paw the help. But the point is the Legion’s got all kinds of really extreme personalities, and you’ve got to learn to cope.

Dominic: With the likes of CrazySugarFreakBoy! and the Manga Shoggoth? Or Lisa?

Sarah: Yeah. Dream’s great when you get to know him, although I can see a kind of jock-nerd dynamic going with you two that might take a bit of getting past. And the Shoggoth’s kind of sweet in a gooey jelloid sort of way. And lonely, I think. And Lisa… well, you know the one thing all those guys and gals have in common with you?

Dominic: Most of them are carbon-based life-forms?

Sarah: All of them care about doing the right thing. All of them would fight and die to save somebody who was in trouble. None of them would ever back down from stopping evil. You fight evil, right, Broodster?

Dominic: I uphold the law and work for the betterment of the planet through strong government and appropriate socio-economic development.

Sarah: Yeah, but you also fight evil, right? I mean when you don’t have a flagpole stuck a mile up your butt.

Dominic: Evil is a rather subjective word, Ms Sh… Sarah.

Sarah: Yeah, but it’s a real thing, right? I mean there’s good and there’s bad, and there’s heroes and there’s villains, and sooner or later you have to decide which you are.

Dominic: That’s a very stark way of putting it.

Sarah: And the LL, they don’t know which you are yet. Not really.

Dominic: But you do?

Sarah: Well, it’s all in the way people treat their cookies. Some people just dunk and drown their biscuit, subjugating it to their will. Others pick out the chocolate pieces and eat them first, which tells you everything. Some bite then sip, like master-planners. And you… well you just go right in there and snap it in half. Always precisely in half.

Dominic: And what does that tell you?

Sarah: That you’re a good guy, but you don’t really believe it. That you haven’t yet come to the crunch where you’ll have to find out.

Dominic: You get all this from a cookie?

Sarah: Well, it’s not like I’ve had much other chance to get to know you, right? So what you have to do is get over this Legion-funk. Don’t spend all your time worrying what these guys might be saying at the Bean and Donut or trying to catch their secret agendas about you. Don’t even fret about what they think of you. Just be you, and let them see you for the good guy you are.

Dominic: You are a very good waitress.

Sarah, with salt cellar: Did you get that, Control? Add that to my CIA file please.

Dominic: Does Mr Papadapopolis have a drug-testing programme?

Sarah: Now it’s locking up time, big guy, so you gotta go. You wouldn’t like me when I’m mopping. It brings out my dark side.

Dominic, getting up and leaving a 17½ percent tip: I’d better escape while I can then, and get back to the madhouse.

Sarah: Give my love to the Legion, then. And don’t tell Dancer I told you she thinks you have great buns.

Dominic: I promise. Really.

Sarah, watching him go: He just needs a chance to prove himself, that’s all. And possibly a different haircut.

[Mr Epitome leaves the Bean and Donut, heads for the unmarked black van across the Plaza, and climbs in]

Guy with earphones: So how did it go, sir?

Mr E, pulling recording wire from beneath his raincoat: Pretty good. She doesn’t know anything about what’s going on with the Lair Legion. She’s ditzy as hell but a low priority security risk. And she doesn’t suspect a thing about me. Let’s go.

[Van heads off towards Sheldon, where Beth Shellett lives]




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