Tales of the Parodyverse

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Ack! That banter below with Vizh reminded me I should have posted this from Dancer days ago. Sorry.
Mon Feb 23, 2004 at 10:31:48 am EST
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Dancer/Alcheman Welcome to the Parodyverse Special
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Dancer/Alcheman Welcome to the Parodyverse Special

[The Scene: Dancer has heard there’s a new superhero in town, and although she disapproves of tattoos and other body modification has decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and say hi.]

Dancer: Hi.

Alcheman: Aaagh! Er, I mean, sorry, I thought I was alone in this alley.

Dancer: Yeah. Spandex tip. Always include a fly in the costume so you can deal with pre-patrol nerves more simply.

Alcheman, fumbling: Right. Yes. Good tip.

Dancer: Preferably a Velcro fly, because a metal-toothed one isn’t really something you want malfunctioning if you’re attacked during a pre-patrol nerves relief moment.

Alcheman: Thank you. Yes. Um, have we met?

Dancer: I feel I know you pretty well now. Anyway, I’m Dancer. Welcome to the superhero biz.

Alcheman: Really? I kind of thought we had to have a misunderstanding fight first before we got to the pleasantries.

Dancer: Yeah, Trickshot tried that we’ve-gotta-wrestle line too.

Alcheman, blushing: No, I didn’t mean…

Dancer: Boy, you’d better hope you’re not attacked by VelcroVixen any time soon. She’d eat you for breakfast. *glances downwards for a moment* Well, a diet breakfast maybe.

Alcheman: I was… you surprised me.

Dancer: Yeah, sorry. I guess that’s your pile of civilian clothes over there, but they can do wonders with dry cleaning these days, honestly.

Alcheman: How did you find me – oh, Probability Dancer, right?

Dancer: Bing! I love heroes with brains. So, come on. As a special welcome to heroing I’m going to go on patrol with you.

Alcheman: Gosh, thanks. Is this a traditional welcome for new heroes on Paradopolis.

Dancer: I guess so. When I started nearly all the heroes in town took me out on patrols all the time. And afterwards there’s got to be Italian, apparently.

Alcheman: I have so much to learn.

Dancer: Stick with me. There should be a super-villain incident happening in that drug store over there right now. Let’s go in and deal with it, okay. You face the bad guy and I’ll see how you do.

Alcheman: No problem. I have the power to change chemicals into other chemicals you know.

Dancer: Could be worse. You could have a fern. Okay, into the shop.

Alcheman, entering drug store: Excuse me miss, is this wrongdoer bothering you with his strange futuristic-looking ray gun device?

Dancer: Hmm. Dialogue could use some work. Also, she’s probably a Mz.

Villain with futuristic-looking ray gun device: Huh? What is this?

Dancer: Oh, don’t mind me. Just pretend I’m not here. Let Alcheman smite you, okay. I’m just auditing.

Alcheman: Should I smite him now?

Dancer: It’s usually considered polite to let him introduce himself and talk in the third person for a while.

Villain with etc.: That’s right. And both of you will rue the day when you crossed the path of… um…

Dancer, sympathetically: Oh dear. Premature exposition?

Villain: No. It’s just that this is my first time out and I haven’t actually got a villainy name yet. But I shall have one. And then you shall both die! Mwa-hah-hah!

Alcheman: He certainly has the laugh down already, don’t you think?

Dancer: It’s a good laugh, but not a great laugh. Perhaps if he had a moustache to twirl?

Villain: You dare! You dare to mock the villainous laugh of… [checks the drugstore shelves for inspiration] …of Generic Viagra!

Dancer: Eew.

Alcheman: Well that certainly makes me feel better about calling myself Alcheman.

Generic Viagra: Back, or face the awesome power of Generic Viagra. Mwa-hah-hah!

Dancer: I’m so sorry, Alcheman. I thought you could get a good new villain for your rogues gallery, but even Nappyrash would be better than this.

Alcheman: Ah, no problem. I can just stop the hold-up and slip away anonymously.

Generic Viagra: Not so, hero! For behold! *fires ray gun at Alcheman*

Dancer, looking down at Alcheman: Ah, right. Now I see why he calls himself Generic Viagra, and what the special power of that ray gun is.

Alcheman, hastily transmuting oxygen to lead sheeting in the appropriate region: No listen Dancer, no disrespect was meant…

Dancer: None taken. That was quite flattering, really. When you’ve beaten the villain senseless you might want to keep that ray for personal recreation.

Alcheman: Um.. *flattens villain out of embarrassment*

Dancer: Not bad. Although under the circumstances I’m not sure about turning his clothes into rubber to keep him tied up,.

Alcheman: Right. Now I’ll just go stand guard behind this waist-high magazine stand until the police arrive.

Dancer: You shouldn’t have any problems standing guard for at least twenty four hours. Plus, I think that shop assistant wants to say thanks for rescuing her and give you her phone number.

Alcheman: Is it always like this, superheroing in Paradopolis?

Dancer: Oh no. Some days it gets positively weird.




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