Tales of the Parodyverse

Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #8: I Can Explain Everything But the Frozen Yoghurt


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HH got back home after a 500 round trip and found there weren't that many new stories; but one was waiting in his e-mail, and here it is; from Dancer naturally
Fri Aug 15, 2003 at 02:19:14 pm EST
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Dancer/spiffy April Fools Special #8: I Can Explain Everything But the Frozen Yoghurt

[The Scene: We pan down on the crater where there used to be a motel trailer park (as previously seen in all its seedy one-towel glory in #7) as a sleek Lair Legion Lairjet hovers down to land. The back opens up and the Lair Legion stand there in a Nu-Marvel Cover Shot pose for a moment, then move through the smoke in dramatic slow motion as our theme music and title credits begin…

Hey, who says I can’t have title credits?

Starring: Andy Dean as Fin Fang Foom, a sort of draconic Charlie Brown…

Bry Katz as Goldeneyed, a sort of black bodystockinged Linus who can’t play the piano…

Penny Chrisadopoulos (or near relative with a slightly different spelled surname) as Pegasus. She’s definitely Lucy, on one of her really crabby days…

Dreamcatcher Kokopelli Foxglove as CrazySugarFreakBoy!, a sort of sucrose-powered Snoopy…

And a bunch of other guys, but we need to get on with the action

Well, if your really want to know, it’s TrickshotSorceressHatmanZilesdullthud&CressidatheWonderWormandNats, okay? How long do you think you get for these opening credits? I mean by the time you’ve had the clips of Finny breathing fire, eating reindeer, hiding in a closet from womenkind, denying his super-shlong, and ranting about comics is there time for much else? Don’t blame me, blame Andy.

Anyway they all get out of the LairJet and look around at the devastation.]

Goldeneyed: What happened here, Ziles? It looks like my place after that Come As Your Favourite Food Product Party.

CSFB!: That was a good party. I’m still finding walnut whip in crevices when I shower.

Ziles: I don’t know what happened. Here, I mean. I’m all too aware of what happened with the walnut whip, but therapy is helping. I’m afraid I’m not on sensor readings today.

G-Eyed: Why not? I thought you had all these useful plot-explaining gadgets?

Ziles: Dancer’s not here right now, so I’m on Calming Down Finny duty. It’s someone else’s turn to get all the exposition lines.

dull thud, waking up: Oh, aye. That’d be me. I’ll be with the readings in just a minutes. Just as soon as I find the flaming on switch. *sounds of expensive equipment being banged against a wall*

Pegasus, looking at the devastion in the crater: There is a villain embedded in this rock.

Nats: Yeah. I’ve always wondered how they do that. I mean how can they get the name to run all the way through the candy stick?

Hatman: Focus, people. Not enough of us are enjoying seeing Anvil Man hammered into the bedrock.

Anvil Man, from the bedrock: Thank you so much for the attention.

Sorceress: Isn’t Anvil Man supposed to be indestructible, if a little rusty? And, if I can say so, in serious need of some personal freshness products.

Anvil Man, still in the bedrock: Hey, I am indestructible. I mean, I survived that meteor, didn’t I?

Trickshot: Meteor? You got hit by a meteor? Not that it couldn’t happen to a better guy.

Anvil Man: Well, I don’t think the meteor was aimed at me. I just couldn’t move out of the way fast enough, on account of my slipped disc.

Ziles: The indestructible Anvil Man slipped a disc? That’s very… Uh-oh, excuse me. Finny’s about to get into a jurisdictional turf war with SPUD and OPS and possibly bite someone. Pass me the heavy duty caffeine spray.

Trickshot: I’m just waiting for the day Al B. gets finished with my caffeine arrow. Then it’s right on to the donut arrow design.

dull thud: *more sounds of banging, and a little swearing as he hammers his thumb*

Pegasus: The SPUD people appear to be guarding a large blob of slowly-melting frozen yoghurt.

Nats: Yes. Apparently because sooner or later the Ass-Raping Ninjas inside of it will thaw out of it.

Sorceress: That one is awake enough to shout right now. *listens* Apparently he wants (a) his lawyer, (b) to complain that somebody stole their borrowed B.A.L.D. hover-gunship and he won’t be getting back the deposit, and (c) to demand a chocolate flake to go with the frozen yoghurt he’s embedded in.

Hatman: There’s all kinds of other bad guys scattered about the place too. Look, there’s the Captor straining to free his head from that portaloo that somehow survived the meteor strike. And there’s Manseed trying to climb from under that pile of rotting fish. And I think those sequinned chaps sticking out from the smouldering septic waste tanker belong to Carslbad Carl the Albino Probability Cowboy.

CSFB!: Who cares? That’s Gamona the Assassin over there, in the glorious green-tattoos-and-nothing-else flesh. I’m going to go and arrest her!

Pegasus: Isn’t she already arrested?

CSFB!: Who cares? I have *got* to get her in my Rogues Gallery.

Ziles, in the background: Look, I’m sure we can work this all out peaceably. You put down the atomic disassembler cannons and Finny will spit out your legal advisor…

[Suddenly the ground shakes as the inconceivable Yurt burrows up from the canyon created by a six thousand ton chunk of space-rock hitting him on the forehead]

G-Eyed: Oh, great, just what we need! Nats, go and calm him down.

Nats: Sure. Just let me check the group to make sure there’s no other people here of that name. Anyone? Hello?

Yurt: Yurt want Asprin!

Nats: Goodbye, everyone. Hey, Yurt, remember me, your old friend? Puny Flying Man…?

G-Eyed: Right. We have a bout two dozen bad guys spread across the landscape in various forms of clobberedness. We have a really big still-steaming hole. We have a motel owner worrying if his insurance covers him from meteor collisions. So what happened, people? Did someone try to boost Donar’s Xena DVD collection again or what?

Trickshot: I’m thinking some kind of weird underworld Fish and Frozen Yoghurt Exchange Deal went sour.

Sorceress, sniffing: I’m pretty sure some of it did.

dull thud: *throws the monitor away* Hey, Anvil Man, what the hell happened here?

Anvil Man: I need a winch. I’m in agony here.

Pegasus: Good. Now speak, malefactor, and I will not place any of these fish down the gaps in your armour.

Hatman: I’m pretty sure Finny would rule that cruel and usual punishment.

Trickshot: Aw, Finny’s busy right now. Give the guy the halibut.

Ziles, in the background: Finny, I think he has a point. Even SPUD issued flying craft aren’t really designed to be dragon stools…

Nats, also in the background: Sure, Yurt. G-Eyed loves to have people just turn up at his house, and he’s always happy to cook extra-hot chilli for them…

CSFB!, also also in the background: No really, you’d be way, way cooler in my top ten baddies than Argh!Yle, Evillest of Socks…

Anvil Man: All right, I’ll talk! All of us were hired by different criminal bosses to try an’ find spiffy and his chick and get back the alien weaponry he’s smuggling, right? And maybe divert the weaponry to our respective bosses as well, yeah?

Pegasus: So spiffy is behind this plot to smuggle Battleworld ordinance, and is a legitimate target for execution on the spot.

Sorceress: and he’s dragging poor innocent Kerry along with him too. The swine!

Anvil Man: Yeah. We wuz all creeping up on them when we got interrupted by the superhero. And then we all got kind of beaten up.

Hatman: This was Donar? Mr Epitome? Premiere??

Anvil Man: Dancer.

Everyone: Dancer?

Anvil Man: Yeah. She seemed royally ticked when spiffy and his moll skipped the battle in that BALD hover- weapons-platform. And then all kinds of crazy stuff started happening, like the Yurt appearing expecting a picnic…

G-Eyed: And a meteor.

Anvil Man: Yeah. But just the one. I think.

Sorceress: Dancer? Didn’t she try and talk you out of your life of crime in a kind of cute but irritating way?

Anvil Man: I wish. Could I get that winch now?

Pegasus: Remain there and suffer, felon. But I shall spare you the herring.

Trickshot: Okay, so where’s Dancer now? Or spiffy and Kerry? Or the weapons? Or Jimmy Hoffa?

Anvil Man: Dunno, dunno, dunno, and can’t say. Oh, there was a guy with this pony-tail on his cowl around as well, but I think he took off afterwards with this waitress he’d got trussed up in his trunk.

Cressida: Waitress? You don’t mean Sarah Shepherdson, who has been looking after Kerry, do you?

Ziles: He does. I can see it in his mind! Finny, the bad guys have kidnapped Shep!

Finny: What? Nobody messes with my waitress and lives! This means war!

Nats: Lair Legion Line Urrrrk * Is thrown in melting frozen yoghurt by team-mates *

[Continued in #9, “I Thought I Was Pretty Safe Just Sitting Quietly Far Away in Dullard’s Corner”]




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