Dancer/Finny Valentine Special #9 was made by by Dancer, via HH, and even less error-filled than before on 2/19/2003 at 3:46:48 PM.
Dancer/Finny Valentine Special #9
[Whew! You people don’t make it easy for a girl to get on with her simple little crossover story, do you? I mean, there I was doing a simple Finny gets a date story and suddenly we have a cast of thousands getting pregnant all over and a rewriting of the Laws of the Parodyverse. Good job it was wickedly funny! :-) But it doesn’t make it any easier to get the story completed. Eeek. Hmmm. So let’s see…
The Scene: Wang the Conqueror is about to turn his pregnancy gun on the fifteen-year old virgin Lair Legion and their fifteen-year old virgin friends]
GirlGirl: But will he still respect us in the morning?
Trickskirt: Agh! No. I don’t wanna be in the family way by a pink-sock wearing future-villain!
Al B., still staring at those scanner readings of his: Careful guys! I’m picking up massive levels of panic and denial here. I think we might all be heading for a…
[There’s a massive swirly effect as described in AG’s story as lots of in-denial teens vanish off into the Happy Place… or would have done, except that, in a certain clock and plumbing shop…]
Xander the Improbable: Ooh, awkward. Expensive. Can’t get the parts.
Chronicler of Stories: Look, it’s one flaming Happy Place Transfer Law. Can you fix it or not? You’re not the only repair shop in the multiverse you know.
Xander * sucks air in though his teeth and scratches head *: I can have a go. Come back in six weeks.
Chronicler: Six weeks? Look, the Happy and Unhappy Places are reversed. People who would normally retreat into the Happy place are ending up in a realm of killer ferns and carnivore bunnies. And you don’t want to know what this is doing to the credibility strands.
Xander: Oh, like the credibility strands were in good condition before.
[So in fact all the teen virgin heroes (and Chronic) don’t end up in the Happy Place but actually get zapped to the Unhappy Place. Meanwhile, at the Lair Mansion…]
Falcon: Hey, I’m back to normal. I’m not a teenage virgin girl. How?
Sorceress: When have we ever needed an explanation for you changing identities before?
Wang the Conqueror: Hey, where did everybody go? I haven’t finished impregnating them yet!
Flapjack: Aw, man! You had a roomful of fifteen-year old virgins to impregnate and you let them get away! You suck!
Sorceress: I’m a bit sensitive about people trying to breed me, you know. * changes Wang into a big monkey *
Al B., nervously: You know I wasn’t really offering to deflower you back in #5, right?
Wang: Ook. You won’t get away with this. All you’ve done is add a touch of bestiality into the mix. I’m tracking your friends to the happy place and then I’ll be back for you! And for a banana.
[So now Wang gets a wobbly special effect and he follows the LL, and like them he ends up in the Unhappy Place]
Wang: Now, my pretties, prepare to be my love-monkeys!
Wang: * looks around and finds he is surrounded by carnivorous rabbits *
Wang: Aaaagh!
Nats: Ouch. That had to hurt!
G-Eyed: I guess the moral of the story is, never try to fight off carnivorous rabbits with a pregnancy gun. It only makes the problem multiply.
ManMan: Hey, I’m a man again!
Knifey: Well, as much as you were before.
ManMan: But how?
CSFB!: Never mind that. Let’s find some snow to write our names in.
Pegasus: This is a realm of pure thought. Here we are what we think ourselves to be. However, when we return to Earth we shall still be… nubile.
Chronic: We’re how we think we are? Is that why I’m all fuzzy?
Hatman: Well, that and lack of the occasional shower. But I don’t think this is the Happy Place. Or if it is, it needs a new interior decorator. This looks more like Evil Tellytubby Land.
Pegasus: No! Don’t say it! Don’t think it! This is a world of pure thought…!
Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, La-La, and Po: Hey-ho! Blood!
Nats: Run!!!
[While the LL are fleeing from four large fluffy marketing icons, back in the Happy Place Lisa is using the last resort of a lawyer: the appeal]
Lisa: I don’t know what’s wrong with them. Those bunnies are guarding the Happy Place conduit and they don’t seem interested in… trading.
Yi, guardian of the Happy Place: Is to be naughty NTU-150’s Happy Place Conduit that is to be disrupting the Laws of the Happy Place, cute-Lisa-bush-ex-bunny. That is to be why strange things are happening.
Lisa: Like me turning into a plant between chapters?
Yi: Yes. Is to be right.
Lisa: But why did I become poison ivy?
Yi: You will have to be asking cute-Visi about that one. But not when you are to be near any sharp or heavy objects. Meantime all we are having to be doing is to be turning off the conduit.
Lisa: Won’t that trap everybody where they are now, with no way to get back home?
Yi: Is only way to save the multiverse, Lisa-friend.
Lisa: Then step back. * looks at fierce buck bunnies * I’m going in!
Yi: Perhaps you could be asking cute Enty to be improving his conduit. That is usually to be making his inventions blow up.
[And on the SHAG rocket, where Dancer, spiffy, Yo, dull thud and Weasel Visionary have just managed to panic Finny and Ziles off to what they expected was the Happy Place…]
dull thud: Okay, I’m confused. I thought at the end of AG’s chapter we were in the Unhappy Place?
Cressida: ~~You’re confused? I’m a two-year-old telepathic intestinal worm suffering the sudden onset of puberty and all its mating urges, trapped inside a Glaswegian roadie and expected to procreate with a weed.
spiffy: Hey, my fern is a healthy plant of the order filices!
dull thud: I don’t think she meant your plant, dude.
Dancer: I think my probability powers are interacting with Enty’s Happy place conduit, shuffling people around to make narrative sense. Or at least more narrative sense. So we’re trapped back on the love rocket and other people are all over the place.
spiffy: So we have to stay here and procreate?
Yo: Or to be escaping.
spiffy: There is no escape. I’m pretty sure of it. No point even trying.
Veasal: We could at least try to, say, change people back to the gender AND SHAPE they were before all of this started and they got their ages, genders AND SHAPES all messed up. Please?
Dancer: We have to get back and stop SHAG’s nefarious plans. And also, I’m due at work in two hours and I don’t want to get docked.
Yo, looking at spiffy and thud: Yo is thinking that none of us want to get docked.
[Meanwhile, at SHAG control, that soldiery guy that Finny described in his chapter is still watching the action aboard the love rocket on his monitor screen, the little pervert]
Soldiery Guy: Hey! Wait a minute? Since when did we let that sub-human creature aboard the conception vessel?
Technician: Sir?
Soldiery guy points to screen where dull thud is washing his feet in the bidet: That! How did that get there!
Technician, checking data: Uh, sir, that’s the human carrier of Cressida, the Worm Wonder.
Soldiery Guy: That? That’s human?
Technician: Well, technically, yes.
Soldiery guy: Do you know what kind of damage that thing could do to the gene pool? Get it out of there, now. Fire up the teleport grid. Get a full decontamination team over there. Oh, and get Enormous Irma and the Lovetoad on standby. If these people don’t want to play nicely…
[And back in the Unhappy Place with Ziles and Finny…]
Ziles: Ever since things started trying to kill you here in the Unhappy Place you’ve seemed a lot happier.
Finny: I’m a dragon of habit. I like familiar things. Coffee. Comic books. Psychotic creatures leaping out to try and rip me to pieces. I can cope with that stuff. * disembowels a killer rabbit *
Ziles: How do we get out of here, exactly? I mean, I read “A Fable For Yo” and it doesn’t exactly explain how things got sorted out, does it?
Finny: I’m pretty sure they did, though. Somehow. Otherwise how did we survive to get in this mess? I’m pretty sure the LL’s over that way. I think that was Nats screaming like a girlie. * disembowels a killer giant gerbil.
Ziles: We shouldn’t be here anyway. * looks slyly at Finny * By now I should just be at home tucked up in bed.
Finny: Er…
Ziles, smirking: Something wrong, Andy?
Finny: Yeah. I’m trying to figure how to disembowel this Unhappy Place Killer Fern when it doesn’t have bowels.
[And back in Parodiopolis, at Dr Mango’s Fruitery of Infamy…]
Lackey: Bad news, Dr Mango. The teenage virgin Lair Legion have dropped off our monitors. We don’t know where they are or what they’re doing, or even who they’re doing it with, if at all.
Dr Mango: Dat’s slightly disturbing, but I trust de hormones to be doin’ dere stuff.
Lackey: And some of our other field teams are having limited success as well. The squad we sent out to teenage-virginise Messenger are in surgery now having their fruit dislodged. And the team that went after Dark Knight are scheduled for therapy when they will come out of the cupboard they’re hiding in.
Dr Mango: Don’t worry. Dese heroes are all over-rated. When we got dem all in our special maternity wing, den we be bringin dem under control. We have de gynaecology! Nothin’ can stop us now.
Falcon, landing a Lairjet through the roof of the fruitery: Surrender now, or we crush your berries!
Dr Mango: You dare to attack de great Dr Mango??? Send in de killer fruit!
[Pineapples start exploding around the Lairjet, barely fended off by Sorceress]
Sorceress: I can keep the explosions at bay, but some of the grape-shot is getting through!
Al B. Harper: Okay Mango, you asked for this! Time to unleash the power of… Visionary’s toaster!
[Dr Mango is crushed between two cosmically-charged slices of bread]
Dr Mango: Argh! All right. Now you done gone an’ made me vexed…
[And the three hundred foot high berserker kumquats rise up over the city, ready for the kill]
[So, to summarise, we have Dancer, Yo, spiffy, and thuddy on the love rocket, about to be attacked by the teleporting-in hordes of SHAG fanatics. We have Lisa in the Happy Place having to make her way through a horde of rampant rabbits to close down the Happy Place conduit that is our heroes’ only hope of getting home but that is royally buggering up the structure of the Parodyverse. We have Sorceress, Al B., Falcon and so on fighting a berserker kumquat and Dr Mango in central Parodiopolis. We have the rest of the LL, Chronic, and Manny in the Unhappy Place vs the Tellytubbies of Doom, and we also have Finny and Ziles in a different bit of the Unhappy Place, happier than they’ve been for some time. Why o why o why do we start these things off? Do we never learn? Are we doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again for all eternity?
Ahem. So, the next issue (from me) doesn’t really deal with any of that, but I felt like writing it anyway. And after that, it just needs some kind person *ahemFinnyahem* to finish it off and make everyone live happily ever after. Except Wang. But if people want to do more chapters between well that’s just fine. All I need is for someone to contrive a way for Dancer and Finny to get some alone time together in the Happy or Unhappy Place, because in my next chapter, Fin * finally * gets that date with Dancer he was wanting. Really. And it’s written in proper prose, not dialogue, too. Scary.]